I am actually thankful.

We were happy together. We completed each other. You are the missing puzzle part of my life. We were inseparable.

You would drive and I would lay on your shoulder. We would sang along to the songs on the radio. Having fun together. I tried to understand you, I really did. My heart breaks when others want to see us separated. I am not wrong. I loved you.

On our first date, you took me to a nice restaurant for a meal. You bought me a lipstick. I was so happy because of how thoughtful you are. I felt like I was in cloud nine. 

But this hurts me.

You hurt me.

We were fine. It was the usual day for us. Me in our room above the print shop you worked for. Me skipping my classes because I was too tired to go. Me feeling like my studies werent important. I felt and thought that we were more important. My friends were asking for me, but I didnt hang out with them anymore. I had you.

Someone messaged me through instagram. She asked if I know you, Eric. My heart skipped a beat. I told her, yes I know you. 

The girl started telling me the bad things you did. My heart sank. I tried to understand you. I tried to solve it for you. You owed the girl thousands of dollars. You ran to Busan with me just to get away from your creditors. And also to some loan sharks. Thousand of dollars.

I tried to understand you. In my head, I was thinking about the few things we could do. Including me applying for a loan from the sharks as well. I was stupid. But I was stupid in love. 

That was the day. My heart broke more than a thousand pieces. You yelled at me. You scolded me angrily. You threw your vape at me. It hurts. But my heart hurts more. I was thinking if we could solve it together. I loved you.

You went back to your work as I kept on thinking about my future. What have I done? Am I really in love with a trash? Why am I even here? This is not me. This is not Andy anymore.

I hate myself. And I wanna blame everyone else for my misfortune. I dont want a man who is violent to me. I remember I was joking around with you. But you were so angry that you punched the wall and bleed your knuckles. What was it for? To shove your dominance to me? To show that I am way below you?

You are a jerk Eric.

I am thankful I got away from you.

I cried and called my mom. I told her that I hate her. I hate my family who are pious. I hate that I have to grow up being devoutly religious like them. I wanted to be me. I wanted to rebel. Perhaps thats why I was comfortable with you. I was running away too.

I told my mom I was gonna kill myself that night. I cried in the shower. Smelling the body wash which we shared. It was disgusting. That night I went away from you. To take a break from you. My parents took me back to Seoul. You never knew the reason I ran away. You thought I had to go to the hospital.

But then, I didnt learn my mistake. I still loved you. And I seek your forgiveness for going away from you.

I went Busan with a heart that is still healing from the wound you gave me, with the hope of mending what we have. You picked me up and we went back to our love nest. We laid next to each other. I started crying as I missed you too much.

We kissed and made love. I was glad because I thought we were okay. You told me to go and take a shower. I did. And I went back to our room, suddenly you told me this isnt working anymore. You are a psycho. You had to wait till we have , only then tell me 'we' aint gonna make it?

That night I was too broken. I let you me without any feelings. I was a hollow person. Nothing inside my heart anymore.

I was so stupid.

To think of the time when I was hungry for a week, just to share my meals with you. Just to pay for your car's fuel. I was so stupid. However, now I know. Now I know that there are men out there just like you. And it's a lesson learnt. Never ever give away my heart anymore. Even if I was sure about it. Never anymore.