Part 1: Losing Her

And now all this time is passing by

But I still can’t seem to tell you why

It hurts me every time I see you.

Realize how much I need you.

The one thing… one thing, that Jihyo had asked when you both came out as a couple to her was, “What happens when you two break up?”

Full of hope, you were quick to say, “Don’t be silly. We won’t break up.” You squeeze Tzuyu’s hand when you see her eyebrows crease and her lips fall into frown.

“That’s nice, Sana. But if you do, what happens? What happens to the group?”

“It’s not like we have to break up the group, unnie.” Tzuyu says quavering. There’s a small sense of pride that you felt when she spoke up. She was very worried about what your members would say – especially Jihyo (you’ve never understood why Jihyo’s opinion had always mattered the most to Tzuyu), but you reminded her it’ll be alright. Because Twice is a family, and they’ll be supportive… Jihyo… Jihyo is just a little rough on the edges, you guess. (And she’s being protective of Tzuyu – extra protective)

“That’s my point, Tzuyu. We cannot break the group. So, when things get rough…--”

“Yah! Why can’t you be supportive of us? We were supportive of you—” You don’t like her tone. You don’t like Jihyo was suddenly ready to wreck the wall you and Tzuyu had worked hard to build. Does she even know the sacrifices you made to get Tzuyu to love you back?? Why can’t she just be happy that ‘her’ Tzuyu has found the love of her life?!

“Because I know the two of you. And how… you love. So, if you two break up,” she paused, and took an extra step to hold Tzuyu’s hand, “it’s gonna ruin you. It’s gonna be so painful.” Her eyes full of worry when she turns to you, “You could be naive and say you'd still be friends, but you can't. At least not right away. Because it will hurt so much you will feel like you’d rather die than experience that heartbreak. We live under the same roof. It’s not like you can get away from each other to heal—”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there…” Realizing what you just said, you were quick to correct yourself, “If we get there.” You say sternly, equally standing ground, you want to end the conversation badly. You came bearing good news and Jihyo was ready to pop your bubble talking about break-ups and how much it will hurt. Like?? She couldn't wait at least a week after to tell you that?? A month maybe? Or well… maybe when you’ve had your first fight?!

And you chuckle bitterly at the memory.

What did happen when you two broke up?

Tzuyu was the one who pulled the trigger.

“Let’s break up.” She said, barely a whisper.

You had her pinned to the wall, but you found yourself drained when she said that. Like the words had you soul. Like… Tzuyu snatched her heart back from you.

What?

You had fights about this… but all those times, Tzuyu was never like this. Never like this.

No more words were said. They didn't need to be. It was a lost cause. It was too late. Because for all you know Tzuyu… when she’s done, she’s done.

Memories, all you would ever have were the memories of what once was.

Break up… Over a freaking V Live.

She couldn’t handle the jealousy. She hated being jealous and insecure—and honestly that’s the last thing you ever wanted her to feel, but what were you gonna do? You thought it was harmless: being touchy with others. You thought you can fix it, but she wasn’t even fighting anymore. Tzuyu just looked tired and just done.

Now that you think about it, Chaeyoung did warn you. She warned you to stop being clingy to literally everyone else so publicly… especially right in front of Tzuyu… especially with Dahyun.

After one fight, when all was forgiven Chaeyoung had said, “You’re making a mess in here, Sana-unnie. And you can’t see it. You fix this now, but every time you fight, you put a dent to Tzuyu. And one day, she’ll crack. One day, she’ll have enough and break up with you. And the worse? Is you’ve dragged Dahyun-unnie as well. So, she’ll blame herself too. So where does that leave me? Where does that leave the rest of the group? You’re gonna make us choose?”

But Tzuyu…

Tzuyu made the decision for everyone else. She had secluded herself from the group. Gave you the space you needed, even if it was hard… living in the same dorm and all, seeing each other every day. Breathing in the same space… Having the same friends – that. That, exactly was what Jihyo was warning you about.

Because just as Jihyo had warned the both of you: it will be painful, heart-wrenching, and suffocating.

You wanted to erase the memories, and start fresh. You wanted to forget the stolen glances, the hand-touching, the sneaking kisses, and the secret cuddles you two gave each other at night – but really, you just wanted to get over the heartbreak. But you miss her too much.

Sometimes you take your chance. When you’re out in public and you see the cameras recording. You hug her, steal a kiss from her: making it seem like it’s innocent. You know she couldn’t resist you there.

But the slap in the face is when she’s returning the affection to someone else but not you. When she ignores you when the cameras aren't there to record, when the fans aren't there to cheer for you.

When she starts spending her free-time to the Chinese-speaking ‘crew’ more than the group, it starts settling in.

Momo was the first to complain about it, using slurs of Japanese you couldn’t even follow. “How stubborn does she have to be?”

“She probably needs the space as well.” Mina replies.

But you’re there… speechless. Wondering if you should reopen the album full of your pictures together or see if anyone online had seen Tzuyu. Was she having fun? Without you?

“Well she wouldn’t need the space if she didn’t break up with Sana, would she?” You understand why Momo was getting hostile about this. Because she’s probably missing Tzuyu the most (next to you probably). Tzuyu was quick to pull away from her, saying Momo was your bestfriend first. And it’s ridiculous really. And you saw how Momo looked like a kicked puppy every time Tzuyu would pull away from her.

“Just because she was the one who broke it off doesn’t mean she’s not hurting.” Mina defends Tzuyu. And you’re quite not sure why. You didn’t think they were that close. If anything, you’d expected Momo to come to Tzuyu’s defense.

You ignore the pained look the members give your way. You didn’t want them to choose a side. But it was quite obvious that most of them picked you – surprisingly even Jihyo. (Probably because Tzuyu wouldn't let them choose differently) Your leader had assured you countless times. That Tzuyu will come back. That Tzuyu loves you… That—

Because really, you’ve been telling yourself that. But just like how you two started… it seems like you were the only one loving her, and she was just accepting your affection.

Later that night at the privacy of your room, Mina joins you in your bed and hugs you.

“She cried to me before she went out.”

You were silent. Staring off to the ceiling, trying not to cry, or lash out – you’re quite not sure what to feel these days.

“I told her… that I’m there for her. That we didn’t have to talk. Just that, I’m there. If she needs someone… That she doesn’t have to cut us off. And she cried. She didn’t say anything. So, I know she’s going through it as well.

I couldn’t possibly understand what you’re going through. And know that I’m not choosing a side… Just that… Before she breaks it off. Before she gave up on you… Whatever you think happened, she put up a fight. Okay?”

You feel the tears falling even before you can stop them, and Mina just held you quietly, tightening her hold on you.

You don’t hate Tzuyu. Not really.

You can’t.

If anything, you just want her back.

You two were never alone in the same room, never stood next to each other (and at the rare chance that you are, you keep an acceptable distance with each other, not even taking a glance): it's silent and awkward.

You try to distract yourself with music, movies, stupid K-dramas, but it doesn't work. You can't focus, you feel alone. Cause when Tzuyu broke up with you, she took her heart back and it left a void inside you no one can ever fill.

I hate you, I love you

I hate that I love you

Don’t want to but I can’t

Put nobody else above you.

If you were in the stages of grief, then at this point you’re at Anger.

You wanted to rub it in her face on what she’s missing out. Or really you just want to spark jealousy and maybe Tzuyu will snap and take you back.

Momo think it’s your worst idea ever. (Which is saying something). Because Tzuyu’s jealousy is the reason why you two broke up anyway. But damn it, you just want to get something from her. Anything.

So, you go on a date with two idols in the past three weeks. Making sure to post it online, for everyone to see.

You were being extra clingy and touchy (you were sure to actually kiss Dahyun). And Chaeyoung… If looks could kill, you would have been murdered by Chaeyoung by now. But you don’t care. If it’s the only way to forget about the heartbreak, and for Tzuyu to even glance at your direction. You would do it.

But one time, when Chaeyoung had finally got the courage to hiss at you, “Why don’t you just stab her heart while you’re at it.”

You snap your head back to her and shot daggers at her, “She’s the one who broke my heart!”

You two avoid each other after that.

Dropping your hand, you took to pacing the floor, unable to stay still. The longer you left it, the less chance you had of intervening if you finally made the decision to do so.

Closing your eyes tightly, you fought the wave of emotion crashing against you. It was pure torture.

"Stop being such a ing enigma, Tzuyu!" You scream at her, your voice wavering in frustration, "Just for once in your life, ing tell me something—anything! Stop ing with my head!"

"I don't know, okay?" She cries. "I just don't know what I'm supposed to say!"

You begged her to take you back… it’s almost pathetic. But you’re at Bargaining.

You press yourself against her, kissing her forcefully. You can feel the tears in your face… and hers. And everything about this is just heartbreaking. She tries to push you away, but this is not the time she will out-power you.

You remember: all the times that you were together, every inch of her pressed into yours, and her taste in your mouth as she comes undone. Her sweet nothings, your name slipping smoothly from her lips... and the rare but precious, I love you. The shy smile, and when her eyes travel across the room just to seek yours in secret. All those things you have taken for granted.

It goes on and on and on, until you can't breathe anymore; until your whole body is numb."Just take me back. I’ll do anything."

She doesn’t look away this time, doesn’t wipe away the tears, “That’s what you said last time.”

“You’ve never broken up with me before.”

“Then this should tell you… I had enough.”

Chaeyoung corners you the next day, and you’re actually tired to deal with her so you say, “Not today.” Tzuyu’s rejection is still bitter in your mouth, still fresh in your memories, replaying over and over.

I had enough.

But she’s relentless, “Don’t ever do that to her again.”

You roll your eyes at her and said, “Can you just give me space, Chaeng? I’m tired. I’m really just tired.”

She takes a step near you and say, “She is too. So, stop messing with her head. Why can’t you just be friends?”

You glare at her because sweet summer child Chaeyoung would never understand, “I still love her.” And exes don’t ever just stay friends. Like??

“Could’ve fooled me. Weren’t you making out with Dahyun-unnie last month? Wait that was just a fling. You did go out with Eunha-sunbaenim this week though, or was it—”

“I would rethink your next words if I were you.” You growl at her. “I’m not gonna apologize for how I choose to fix what she had broken.”

“If that’s how you deal with your heart break, then that’s fine. But it’s not how she deals with hers. So just stop. She doesn’t want you anymore.”

“Did she ever love me?” There it is. The question you’ve been asking.

The short girl looked pained, as if unsure whether you were ready to hear her answer. You waited patient