This is an open letter to you, my ex-boyfriend/bestfriend,

This is the day that I've been dreading for like eternity. I am writing this letter not because I want to but because I need to. I don't even think that you will ever read this damn letter but I guess I really need to send this as soon as possible for my sanity or lack thereof.

You see, It's been  years since I caught your ing mouth latched on to that japanese girl Kiko in our Tree House of all places!!! I cannot believe for the life of me that you will bring anyone in our childhood hideout and just to let you know, I ING HATE YOU FOR THAT, YOU ING !

 I knew you were a boy since we were very little because you are so adorable, cute and charming. You definitely know a way or two to any woman's heart, but knowing it and seeing it for myself is a different story. Bom and Hyoni told me off about you since the beggining of time but my dumb heart didn't listen. I loved you since you were a little boy and it ing didn't change even after all those shenanigans of yours. I probably abandoned my country in my previous life to be so dumb in loving you after all your ing flaws.You had your moments and I certainly had mine.

You were my star, moon and sun from the time immemorial.

I was so mad at you for betraying our friendship and bringing your flavour of the month in our sacred hideout so I did the most irrational move and brought Joongki in there too. Do you remember him? He was the popular nerd in our school who is majoring in Theatre Arts! That boy is such a sweetheart and I still feel bad for using him against you. I barely know him but he approached me one gloomy afternoon in the ampitheatre where I was crying my heart out upon catching you kissing that girl. I can't  tell Bom or Hyoni of what I witnessed because I was too afraid of the word "I Told You So" from them so I opted the empty theatre. Pretty sure I spooked a couple of students for my ghostlike wailing. He certainly was not spooked because he approached me and urged me to tell him my problems. He said that it'll be better for me if I breathe out my worries to someone I didn't know.. that it'll make me feel better so I told him about you and I. He was so kind and sweet. When I asked him a few days after if he can hang out with in the Tree house, after all the things that he knew, and despite the fact that I am using him, he went with me willingly. I would be hypocrite if I say I didn't wish for you to see us there, that's the point of it all. I want to hurt you the way I did but whether you believe it or not, I regretted bringing him there as soon as I saw that pain in your eyes but I ignored it. You ing started it so we're even.

Then.. you stopped talking to me in the pulic but you still have the audacity to climb up my room and hug me while we sleep and I ing hated myself more than I hated you because I know deep in my heart, I desperately wait for you every single night.. despite our indifference in public, you still choose to be with me during your unconsious hours. No words.. just our beating hearts and for some reason, it is enough.. to know that no matter how many women you are with during the day, you still come to me, where you belong. I love you, you ing idiot and I hate myself for that.

I love you oh so dearly for the longest time but for some reason, Joongki crept in my heart and put a dent on it. Maybe because he's not really that hard to love. During the day that I was with Joongki, I know that you were furious, you never told me but the boys always complain about your behaviour, Seungri in particular because you were extra to him. Well I can't do anything about it,  can I?

Joongki was very patient with me and despite the fact that he knows how I feel about you, he still pursued me. He was the sweetest. He's your complete opposite and I know in my heart I loved him. He was the first man that I dated .  I don't know what I did to deserve a man like him but he's with me and he showed me how to be loved and cherished as a woman but sadly, I cannot love him the way I love you .. I ing love you so much. Even after a whole day with him, I still long for your warmth during the nights and it is overwhelming. No one knows about our sleeping arrangement, not Bom nor Hyoni. They didn't know that we were sleeping (innocently) together since you learned how to climb my window from that mango tree that's in between our yard and yours, where our tree house is situated made by Uncle Yonghwan . Our weird unspoken arrangement was not breathed to any other soul other than Iye and Dadoong, our babies.

Oddly, this very arrangement made me decide to break things off with Joongki. I felt guilty smiling at him but wishing it was you. I felt guilty that while I am enjoying his company, I cannot stop myself from wishing for the day to become night so that I can be alone with your warm embrace again.

I broke Joongki's heart but he never once say anything bad.. maybe because he knows that I tried to love him and I know that I did love him, God I hope he knows.

Breaking up Joongki was my breaking point. I gathered all the courage that I could muster just to tell you how much I love you.. That I love you since you were a boy. That night, I was so anxious and restless.. It has been past midnight and you're still not home to me. I was about to stand, go to my window to somehow look out for you when I hear you knock. I didn't know that my window was locked, maybe mom did it. When I opened it, you jumped hugged me. I was so shocked with your behaviour but I welcomed your embrace. You were crying and I hint a smell of liquor but you didn't look drunk. You kneeled down and held my hands. You kissed it like its the most precious thing in the world. You looked up to me and asked me the question that I've been waiting for, that seems like eternity. "Darong.. Please be mine?"

We come around didn't we? I was planning for so long to confess.. but I'm glad that you did it first. I looked down and I saw the eyes of that innocent boy that I adored since the beggining of time and I nodded, "Yes, I would love to claim you."

Everything was a blur after that.

You stood and kissed me like there's no tomorrow. It was not our first kiss but it never fail to surprise me with the intensity that it brought me. I had to hold on to you cuz I feel like I'm melting in your arms. I was so thankful when you carried me and sat me to my vanity cabinet. I had to hold on to you for dear life because I know that any moment I'll melt. All our pent up desires.. its like a fire burning my soul.

That night, when we become one, is one of my best moments in this life.

After that night everything stayed the same but with my name attched to yours, and yours to mine. We were the talk of the town. I basked not to their attention but to yours. you looked at me the same way as you did even before we became together but you were a bit different this time. The way you look at me seems like you're afraid that I'll be gone in one second.. or maybe its me? Since I can see myself in you and I certaily can see a woman who is terrified that one day, she'll wake up from her sweet dreams of being loved by the man she wished for so long.

We were inseparable. I graduated the Uni first. Opened my own flower shop and started my lifelong dreams of being a Wedding planner. You know how much I love weddings. You finished school 2 years later then took over your family business.

Everything is so perfect ...It is so perfect that it's starting to scare the out of me. Life is not perfect. It cannot be perfect no matter how hard we try.

August 12, 2014 is when you proposed to me and it was magical. It was a clear night in Seoul. We had our evening walk planned out to Bugaksan Mountain. It was one of our regular escape from our busy life. I was excited for this monthly trip because its the only time when I can only be Sandara and you can be just Jiyong..not a budding entrepreneur and definitely not a stressed out General Manager who is trying to prove himself to his company's board. After reaching the peak and basking on the calming beauty of Seoul city lights, we sat on the nearby bench over looking the city then you told me a story of a boy who fell for a quirky girl.

She's the eldest daughter of the family who moved in  the house next to his.She looks like a bunny with her big round eyes and her pale skin. She smiled at him and he thought she's the prettiest girl he had ever seen in his life. She's 4 years older than him. She approached him at school and introduced herself as Dara nuna. He started hanging out with her more than his friends Seunghyun and Youngbae. She looks so fragile but she's a feisty little butterfly. She's very gentle with a heart of gold but is very scary when mad. She once defended him from his  bully who kept on  taking his  lunch. She started bringing food not only for herself but for him too. Her mom makes wicked clubhouse chicken sandwich and oh it was heavenly. He begged his father to make a tree house for him and Dara nuna. He hangs out with her from morning to evening. Did his homeworks in the tree house. Talked about his big dreams and little worries. He promised himself that he will be marrying her when the right time comes. One day when he was 10, upon knowing that she's out of school, he was worried sick because her mom and siblings went out to Miryang for a vacation and she chose to stay at home. He cut class and went home to look for her. He banged her door but no one's answering. His parents weren't home either nor his sister. He was so anxious so when he looked up and saw her windows open, he climbed  up the Tree house which has a big branch that is almost connected to her window. He went inside her room and found her sweating and shaking. He held her and she was so hot. He did what his mom always do when he and his sister Dami has fever, he fetch a basin with cold water and a towel, folded it and placed it to her forhead. He took care of her and waited for his mom to come home and asked for her to make her a porridge. After his mom tucked him in for the night, he secretly went out and went back to her room and slept there. After that incident, he vowed to protect her no matter what, hence the nightly sleeping arrangement  in her room. . He did it until he grew up to be a young man. The fondness he developed towards her blossomed into Love. He was the most eligible bachelor in their Uni because of his family status so it eventually drew different types of crowd. Girls wanted to be in his pants and swore that he touched no one and is reserving himself to his Dara. Although he didn't touch any of the girls, he didn't dispell any rumours either, as a young man of his age, it boosted his confidence. He was too full of himself, too confident that she will never believe the rumour even without confirming it. He regretted it because he didn't know any better. He was not kissing the girl Kiko in their Tree house. She followed him home and climed the Tree house  and tried to kiss him and thats when his girl saw him.

When she drifted apart, he can't pull himself together and became a ticking bomb specially when she started noticing other guys who were vying for her attention, after all she's prettiest amongst all. Some girls hates her because they ain't her, while some loves her because of her kindness, generosity and happy desposition, boys desperately tried to be noticed by her but because of him, they can't go near her. He was beyond furious when she brought Song Joongki in their tree house. He partied and drink every night just to forget the pain. Everytime he sees her with him, she looks radiantly beautiful and was so happy and it breaks his heart. He reached his breaking point when he saw her hugging him behind aviary of the school. They were both crying and smiling but he was too afraid to confront them.. because of the possibilities. He went to the nearest club and tried to bury his sorrow in alcholol but after few drinks, he decided to confront her and beg for her. He did and it was the best decision he had ever made in his life. That night was so precious and vowed to the beggining of their forever.

I was crying ugly tears when that story ended. We have never spoken about what happened that night with kiko nor joongki. We started that night and never looked back. I felt bad knowing the story but it's an opportunity for us, to communicate well and talk about our worries.

You held my face and wiped my tears with both of your thumb. You kissed my lips and flicked my forehead. "You crybaby! You are so adorable nuna!" you teased me. Next thing I know, you kneeled down and open this square box. It has the most exquisite yet simple ring that I have ever seen. It is a round cut halo ring in rose gold with smaller diamonds around the big round cut and the ring. "Please be mine forever..Will you give me the honor and the joy of being your husband?"  you asked nervously. I was wailing this time. A few months later, we were married.

Planning for  our wedding was the easiest.. you know why? Because I planned for it since I was a kid. I know in my heart that you'll be mine and I'll be yours forever. I honestly never had a wedding jitters or cold feet. I was excited as hell. I will never cry, I said to myself but when Cheondoong and I started walking towards you, I started laughing and ing crying because you were wailing!!! Not cool at all. Every guest were crying and laughing at you,  you were so hilarious! I can't forget when Eomeonim wacked your just to stop you from crying. Seungri was laughing his off looking at you. Daesung definitely handling the secondhand embarassment not well, he looks like he wanted to cry so bad too. Youngbae who was ever loyal to you just pats your back as a form of support while Seunghyun is just as entertained as Seungri and he seems like he was doing a Live feed on instagram of your hysterics. Later on I found out that he had 3K viewers! He even had photos of you ugly crying on his IG! HAHAHAHAHA! Our wedding is perfect after the ceremony and I know that your performance will go down on history and will be passed on to the generations of Kwons!

We were continously blessed for conceiving our first born Jinu then Mino and lastly our twins  Jaewon and Jisoo. I couldn't be happier with our little family.

I started believing in fairytales and happily ever after.

BUT THEN YOU ING IDIOT MESSED UP BIG TIME!

I told you to ing change your tires with the winter tires! I told you to follow us after the storm because we were fine and we can wait another day but NO! YOU WORRYWART HAD TO DRIVE YOUR IN GANGWON-DO BECAUSE YOU SAID THAT YOU CAN'T LET YOUR BABIES BE IN THE MIDDLE OF SNOW STORM WTHOUT YOU.

YOU ING IDIOT HAD TO LEAVE US.

I HATE YOU FOR DYING. I HATE YOU FOR NOT FULLFILLING YOUR PROMISE OF FOREVER. I HATE THAT I HAD TO WAKE UP EVERY MORNING WITHOUT YOU BESIDE ME. I HATE THAT WE CANNOT  TREK IN ALL THE MOUNTAINS OF KOREA ANYMORE. I HATE THAT YOU WEREN'T ABLE TO HEAR OUR JAEWON AND JISOO UTTER THE WORD APPA. I HATE THAT I WANTED TO DIE JUST SO I WILL NOT FEEL THIS PAIN ANYMORE. I HATE THAT EVERY DAY SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GONE, I CONTIMPLATE OF LEAVING OUR BABIES. I HATE THIS FEELING AND I HATE BEING AWAY FROM YOU. 

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW. 

I HOPE THAT YOU WILL READ ALL THE LETTERS WE WILL BE WRITING YOU. PLEASE KNOW THAT WHATEVER HAPPENS, I WILL TAKE CARE OF OUR CHILDREN TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITIES. 
 

I LOVE YOU TO ETERNITY AND BEYOND.

P.S

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. PLEASE COME BACK.