I woke up alone, looking beside me only to meet with an empty spot. I touch the pillow, it’s cold, you left without waking me up. I want to cry, but I know I am strong. What is this feeling, is it hurt? Disappoint? Sad? I don’t know, I don’t know what to feel anymore. 

5 years of us together, it feels like nothing now. you are never home, and when you come home there is always a scent that I don’t know linger around you. I know there is something that you are hiding from me, but I keep it to myself, I will wait for you to tell me about it yourself. 

I walk out of the room that we used to stay in together, staring at the space of our living room. A gush of memories came into me. I remember when you first ask me to move in with you after we graduate. When you are helping me moving that sofa, our sofa, where we used to cuddle together watching movies. 

But now, that sofa feels empty, this house feels empty. Because you rarely there filling it. I keep on thinking, what did I do? Did I do something wrong? Why am I alone now? I let myself fall into the sofa, sitting on the side table is our picture. We look happy. I wish I could go back to that time, where we were young and happy, not caring about the world.

I went out that morning, driving to my office. I miss the day when you used to drive me to work before you go to your studio. But now that you are not there anymore I feel empty. I know that you have someone else out there, I am just waiting for you to tell me about it yourself. You know what, I am stupid enough to forgive you if you tell me about it. 

Again, I went home to an empty house. You are nowhere in sight and I know, you are there again tonight. But as I put down the take away that I bought, the door open, you came home.  ‘Welcome home.’  I greet you, and you reply to me with a hum and walk into our room. I know, you just want to try to wash away the scent that lingers around your body, trying to fool me. And I let you. 

You walk out from the room, all fresh, with your fair hair in the light, and you stare at me with your brown eyes. I can feel it, there is nothing inside there. It feels empty. You hug me from behind, kissing my neck and you turn me around. I don’t know why but I give in to you, your lips against mine. Under these clothes that start to scatter around, there used to be two hearts in love. 

The next morning I woke up yet to another empty bed. How can I live without love? What did I do wrong? Tell me, how can I be what you want? How can I make you stay? Because when the morning comes around, you are still gone. 

Every day I wonder where you are, are you happy in someone else’s arms? You know what? You have your way to break my heart. But why can’t I hate you? Why do I still loving you? Tell me, Bora, why did you do this to me?

I saw you one day, you and her, together. You look happy, am I not enough? Did I do something wrong? Tell me, please. I am hurting, I am alone. But I will never hate you because I love you too much.

I went home and I pack my stuff. Enough is enough, I can’t take this anymore. I would rather be alone for real this time, rather than stays in the same space with you but still feels like it’s only me there. I don’t want to feel that anymore. 

When you came home and you saw me with my luggage, you kneel, you cry, you beg for me not to leave, and you say that you are sorry. You know what, sorry can’t change anything anymore, Bora. It’s too late. You have hurt me too deep. But don’t worry, I don’t hate you. I never will. 

I walk out of your house, no turning back. I move on with my life, trying hard not to think about you. But first love never dies, it stays around no matter how hard I tried. I can still remember the taste of your lips against mine, the feel of your touch, the beautiful brown eyes of yours. We used to be two hearts in love.

Months have passed, and I heard from some of our mutual about you. It hurts me too knowing that you are not going well, but I can’t just give in again. I don’t want to be hurt no more. You break my heart, and I am not going to let it happens again. Because, now I am happy, I found someone that can cherish me, and love me the way I wanted to be. 

Maybe in another life, Bora. If we crossed path, maybe I will reconsider having you back, maybe I will let you love me again. But that is the story of us in another life.