She's just playing around with you.

She couldn't lie and say her friends didn't warn her several times. Couldn't say she wasn't aware of everything when it all started. She took all the precautions and yet, she fell the same way.

She fell like the dumb girl she was.

When you hear something bad about a person, usually you stay away from them, you push them back and try to keep as much distance as possible. 

Mainly when you're know that you are very sensitive and easy to fool. Very easy to fall, very hard to let go.

"You should know I'm not good for you"

She warned so many times. She had the decency to tell, to say that she wasn't a good person, that she wouldn't be there, that she wasn't planning on staying.

In the end, she even became a true monster, acting cold and distant so Seungwan could get used to losing her but of course that didn't work out too.

"I am so sorry, Wan"

Seungwan knew those words weren't true and they weren't comforting also but she didn't say anything about that anyway, she knew it would change nothing. There was so much she could do and still it was too much to handle.

She was waiting for that. She legit sat on a chair and waited for Joohyun to come inside the room and waited for the girl to break her heart with no mercy. She waited, she knew it was coming.

But still, it hurts so much.

To the day, Seungwan doesn't know how she's still breathing because it hurts. It just burns inside whenever she thinks of her, whenever she walks by the river bank or listen to her favorite song - because she got used to doing all that with Joohyun.

(she also doesn't know if she loves or hates the fact that Joohyun's smell is still in her favorite shirt)

-

Seungwan had trouble finding a free space in the parking lot and when she did, she had even more trouble to park the car correctly.

She isn't in her right mind.

She lays her head in the steering wheel, pressing her foread firmly because she wants to feel that pain. She wants to be able to feel something again because somehow, it always seems like she's blank, like she's empty - as if her chest became a black hole that just swallows everything in front of her and grows bigger, until the moment it'll become her ruin.

She's tired of waiting for something to happen. Tired of staring at the door at night as she expects Joohyun to come back. That won't happen.

As Seungwan gets out of her car, the silence grows more and more disturbing.

(it was never like that with Joohyun)

It makes her body itch, how she can hear her own breath so clearly and the sounds of the city in the background. 

She wants something vivid instead.

There's no way to stop it. The black hole will only grow to the point where there is nothing more to consume and then the end.

And it'll be like that.

Is it what Joohyun's so afraid of?

"You know I won't just let you go like that"

Seungwan had said before, getting a "I'm too scared of being hurt" as a response.

So Seungwan could be hurt, but not her.

Joohyun never gave Seungwan that much power anyway. 

Scared of getting hurt. Seungwan laughs at the irony of the thought as she takes the elevator alone.

There's nothing for her out there.

Seungwan tries to think of ways she could try again. She could grab her phone, tell Joohyun she's over and is just coming over to have some fun - they used to do that a lot - but would it be worth it in the next day, when she wakes up and see someone she will never have? Of course not.

So maybe the pain she's feeling right now, the pain of losing something, is slightly better than the pain of being able to have temporarily something you can't have forever.

It will hurt both ways.

It is just pain, it doesn't matter what path you choose.

In the end, there is just pain.