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I try to see you who I can't see, I try to hear you who I can’t hear

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The flower I was holding was as white as the snow that fell down on me. I held it tightly but with care against my chest. Sorrowfully I followed the now snow-white path. Every breath left a foam in the air. My footsteps heavy but also determined to arrive where I wanted to be so bad. My lips pressed together tightly I turned left and followed the path that was decorated with beautiful flowers. A memory from last month began to form in my head…

 

 

Again I did it wrong! I was sitting on the floor frustrated, not able to dance the new choreo right… “Soo don't look so down, let's cheer up” you said and ruffled my head softly. Even if I glared at you I was smiling on the inside. I felt my cheeks getting warm at your playful touch and the nickname that you blessed me with “Come on! We will just try again” you added with your smiley eyes. How I wished to tell you… How I wished to be that strong to tell you what your words meant to me but I couldn't. I just stood up and began to dance again, being mad at myself.

 

I arrived at the place, the place that let's me miss you, feel you and imagine you. I fell on my knees holding the flower and falling into my thoughts of ‘what ifs’, ‘what would have been’ and promises. I began to hang on to those memories of you like a lifebelt that would rescue me from my sorrow. 

 

The truth can bring release to those who speak it, for those who are able to say it out loud. Would you have been with me if I had told you? Did you think of me how I thought of you? Was I as pretty in your eyes as you were in mine? Be honest with me would you tell me I look good right now? Would you have chosen me an outfit  if I asked? Would you smile at me with your sweet smile if I complained about your choice? I wanted to be with you for a long time, would you have wanted the same? 

 

Would you be with me if I could turn back time? Would you embrace me and tell me everything’s alright? If I told you how much you mean to me would it end differently? If we were together tonight would you see my sincerity? If we were together tonight would we watch the movie you desperately wanted to watch? Would you cuddle with me and share popcorn? Would you tease me, disturb me? Would you laugh with me at the funny scenes and cry with me at sad ones? Would you wipe my tears with your long fingers soothing me?

 

 

”Where is everyone?” I asked him confused as I looked through the emptying dorm. “They have schedule and some went out” he answered settling himself on the couch. Was this my chance? Get Yourself together Do Kyungsoo! I urged myself! You just have to ask him to watch something together, there’s nothing too weird out about that! I sat myself at the other edge of the couch and took a deep breath. I tried to form the right question but it was harder than I’d imagined. I hadn't realize how long I had sat there, deep in my thoughts, until his phone began to ring and he took the call with the sweetest of smiles. “Oh … Of course! I will be there in a few!” My face began to fall…  frustrated with myself… the disappointment that took over me was almost unbearable. “Soo I will go out as well.” I nod and offered him a smile that I hoped looked sincere.

 

 

 

The fading memory wetted my eyes and only brought more painful questions…. What would you have done if I kissed you then? If I’d put my plumper lips on yours? Would you have rejected it or would you have accept me? Would we have shared a beautiful night together? I still really want to kiss and touch you! Is it a sin to miss your warmth? Is it a sin to crave your presence? Do you remember those times? Do you still watch over me? If you were here, would you hug me one last time? Would you give me just one kiss?

 

What would have happened if I would have been stronger and showed you how much I loved you? If I hadn't been too weak, too shy to ask you, to tell you? Even if you rejected me I could have been at ease, I wouldn't be the wreck I am now... I could at least put you out of my heart. I could have moved on and not long for you as I do now... I wouldn't be sat here crying and dying for you.... 

 

What If you had accepted me? Would we have been together for at least a short time? Would we have dated? Where would you have taken me? To the ice skating rink you wanted to go this year? Would we have skated together, hand in hand, smiling at each other? Would you watch as I tripped over my own feet and laughed with me when I fell? Would you have helped me up and taught me how to do it right? Would you grabbed my small hand in yours, which fits mine so well? 

 

If you had accepted me would you have spent more time with me? Would you have wanted to make memories together? Would we do the cheese things that couples do? Would we have those couple shirts that are so embarrassing? Would you have taken me to your parents’ place? Would you have introduced me? Because I would have! If I hadn't been this dumb I would have! I would have introduce you as my boyfriend, my love, my life…

 

You were smiling at me, showing me your perfect teeth. Your gentle grip on my hips that held me tight against your chest. The sweets words of love that tinted my cheeks red. You took my chin between your fingers to look at me like I always dreamed of. “Saranghae…” you said before you kissed me lightly on the lips. I wished that moment would be everlasting…. but as I opened my eyes I realized that it was a dream… the same dream I dream since forever…

 

 

I want you... I miss you... So bad that it hurts.... So badly that I don't know how to deal with the lingering pain that doesn't want to leave my heart... The pain that stops me from smiling, the smile that I showed just for you... The tears won't stop, they burn my pale skin... It hurts like a fire that won't cease... It hurts like a thousand daggers piercing and shredding my heart into thousands of pieces...

 

I promise you! I will love you! I promise you to cherish you in my heart, the heart  that will never forget you. The heart that will only beat for yours... The heart that will beat for two.... The heart that will cherish each moment of us...I promise you that you won't be hurt anymore, that you are safe now... I promise you that I will remember, that I will miss you forever!

 

Softly I putted my hand on the stone bearing your name... caressing the letters and holding the flowers I brought for you tightly in my hand. The tears won't stop falling... It hurts to breathe... It hurts to think...The feel of another’s hand on my shoulder isn’t enough to make my eyes leave the man that might have been mine…

 

I can't hear your voice anymore... The laugh that brought me life... The beautiful tone that has such an impact on me... The voice that was so unique when you sang....

 

I can't see you anymore... I can't see the sheepish smile of yours... The cheeks red from embarrassment when I praised you. I can't see you dancing to every beat to perfection...

 

It doesn't matter how much I wanted to, there won't be a chance again.... It doesn't matter how much my body, my heart, my soul screams for you... you will never hear it...

 

"Kyungsoo.... We have to go now... Let's come back another day..." The owner of the voice helped me to stand up and embraced me from behind. When he took me into his arms I knew that he was crying too. We stood  for a while then, with a few last words we turned and I left with Chanyeol, hand in hand :

 

You did well my love.... I will come again to visit you.... RIP Kim Jongin....