I miss you

When I say that, I miss you more as I remember the memories when the time wasn't so cruel. The time where we shared our time together was something I cherish. But, this time was surely cruel for we never could have the new memories we could have make. All the love was erased after that and right now its middle of December.

Winter had made everything lonely for me, the cold gust of wind was pushing me away so I couldn't visit you. For that is why I hated the season, when the snow falls onto the ground it look so magical. Each snowflake was so beautiful for that I can admit. They drift across parts of the world, they are always together and even disappear until next winter comes once again. I know how science and life works, but this season gives me the saddness and grief everytime it occurs.

Exactly for us, when one of us disappears then we can't meet once again. And that is why I had a hatred for it and call me crazy or insane.

People pited me, they knew I was in pain for I missed you. Sleepless nights is what I always do, I imagine you coming to me and embrace me and that everything will be alright. Only to realize, that the sweet voice they you were speaking to me was all in my head. My brain was just giving me comfort that I couldn'f have anymore.

When spring comes, I always waited for the sign of hope every year. But, hopes don't happen if the other one isn't here anymore. My life has went downhill when your gone, all I do is cry and isolate myself from everything. No one couldn't comfort me like the way you do. Your soft voice, the warmth you carried was something I always adored. Truthfully, the words and thoughts I think of you were being honest.

The particular memory of you doubting of all the compliments I say to you. Your rosy cheeks made me smile as you shyly hit me in the shoulder. A cute pout came acros your face made my heart flutter. The past was something I always miss while for the present, I only just miss you more.

Family and friends always tell me to move on and truthfully I couldn't. All the regret and pain always stays within my broken heart. I tried erasing you, made myself lose memories by injuring my head, even suicide was something that would make me move.

I couldn't let you go, when the news was announced to me that you were gone. My brain couldn't comperhend it at all and to this day, I still couldn't believe it. They say the good people always go first before the bad ones are. Like how everyone would pick the flowers that were bloom first, then the ones who weren't ready yet.

I know you want me to move on, you are probably watching me up there. Well at least that is what I think, but still I miss you. Maybe I can't move on- 

No you probably be upset if I still mourn about you, it has been years since you disappeared in this world. People hated me when I was isolated to everything and you would hated that too. I would skip school, avoid social interaction so I can just stay in my dark room to grief.

“Ahn Yujin, do you wish to be like this forever?”

My bestfriend Choi Yena would always say to me before I completely lock myself in my house. Yes, I do wish not to be like this forever. But, I want someone to comfort me. Exactly, I always rejected them for my mind couldn't think cause all I thought about was her.

As I let myself be consume in the darkness in my room, inside my room you can only hear my cries and my phone buzzing. Everyday, someone will try to call me or text me to see if I am okay. Of course I ain't okay, my family would always try to force me to get outside of my room. Would I listen? No, only when its necessary cause I had a slight fear of dying too. I sometimes eat so I wont starve, but times I just drink water so I don't feel my stomach being in pain.

*Buzz*

​​​​​​​

Another notification, I slowly grab my phone to see who text me this time-

Reminder: Your anniversary with her 

So today is December 19 huh? Time flew too fast that I couldn't even notice. My hand was still gripping onto my phone tightly, as I kept on rereading those words all over again. All of the texts from all of my friends was an blur to my vision, all my eyes focus on was the reminder.

“Should I go... and visit her grave?” I paused midway, I never visit her grave at all. Only when I had to attend the burial which was painful for me to hear all of speeches from her parents. Their pain was probably way more difficult then mines, their only daughter that they only had has already going to an better place.

“Should I go?” I mumbled to myself, having second thoughts cause I felt tensed. Can I ever move on if I visited her grave for once? My breathing went heavy as I suddenly began to feel a wave of emotions going though my head. No, I shouldn't tear up again I need to be strong.

All of the memories was something I always had on my mind. She never deserved to die, get hurt, have to experience the feeling of dying or eve deserved to love me. I was a foolish person who overreacts at everything cause of my own jealousy. Love was something that I never experienced when it comes to relationships. I always feel guilty when I hurt your feelings at that day..

“YOU CAN'T LOVE SOMEONE LIKE THAT AHN YUJIN!”

The words you spoke struck me very hard, I never change even tho I always say I will change. You were hurt by actions and truly I am sorry for I never understood on how to truly love you. I was chosen to be your girlfriend and honestly there was better people who could have gave her more love than me.

Why did you chose me Kim Minju? I was frightened and insecure that you would leave me. But, you somehow still love me and I am thankful that I met you at my birthday. It was a gift that I would never expect to have at all.

“I'll always love you Yujin, even if I am not with you anymore. My presence will always be with you.”

Her voices still lingers through my memories, she was something that came to my life. She made me discovered the love that I never experienced before. Kim Minju, when I first met you at September 1st 2017. I never felt so happy and loved by someone who wasn't family or friends. You were always special in my heart.

My tears were spilling onto my cheeks, I wasn't sad at all. These tears were flowing as all I could think was the happiest time of my life with her. I shouldn't be sulking for these 2 years, she rather see me be happy then me suffering.

“Imma visit her,” I decided as I stood up from my bed, my body was not in good shape to go outside. But, this is something that was important to me. I couldn't let this chance go to waste like how I made myself invisible for the past 2 years.

Grabbing any clothing that was suited for this cold season of mid December. Jeans, a sweater, underneath was a thin shirt and a pair of so