Chaeyoung’s POV

 

When I transferred to another school for the fifth time, I had a sour expression plastered on my face. At first, I hated how I was always transferred from one school to another. But after meeting you, all of my words flipped upside down… It felt as though everything happened as a reason. A reason so I could meet you.

 

The world was cruel though, to me, especially. I knew more than anyone else in the world that you were the one I loved. That from the very first time I laid my eyes on you, my heart immediately became yours. I knew all of that but…

 

Even with that said, the only thing I could do was to watch you from afar. There are times where I would try approaching you, but each step I take would only raise my heart’s beat. And before I know it, I would be running away.

 

It was pitiful of me.

 

But what can I do? Even if I befriended you, even if I told you I loved you, even if I shout to the world all of my feelings towards you… It’s not like we can be together…

 

We can’t be together…

 

It’s impossible for us to be so…

 

Even kids would know that…

 

We’re both girls, after all.

 

 

 

My feelings for you started when you first began a conversation with me. It was still my first week in this school back then, and as a transfer student, I had no friends at that time. But then you came. You came and talked to me as though you’ve already known me for a long time. You threw short jokes and made me laugh until I let out a tear. You sat by my side and told me that I would be fine.

 

I wasn’t sure of those feelings back then. For my 20 years of life, I have never experience something teenage girls call ‘Love’. I thought back then that my heart was only pounding wildly out of happiness. But after talking these feelings out to my mother, she said that I might be in love… In love with someone like you… In love with someone of the same gender as me.

 

Mother didn’t say anything about it after finding out that the person I’ve been talking to her about was you. Instead, she gave me a sincere smile and told me that she would love to meet you someday. That from my story, she could tell that you were a nice girl. And I, for one, agree to that wholly.

 

And then, our second conversation turned out to be our last...

 

A club was a must in the school. And knowing that the only thing I’m good at was drawing, I decided to join the Arts club. Joining ones that involved physical activities would kill me, after all. My stamina was way below everyone else’s, and sure enough, my strength was nothing more than an average girl’s.

 

It took me awhile to find the room for the club, but after I found it, the first person who greeted me was you.

 

“Welcome.” You said to me with a smile as soon as I opened the door. “Ah, it’s you! I knew we would meet again someday.”  As usual, your bluntness never failed to surprise me- It even made my heart skip a beat and made my face turn to red. “Are you here to join the club?”

 

I simply gave a nod in response; my heart wouldn’t stop itself from beating wildly. As though it wanted to jump out from my chest, “Is… Is it alright if I do?” I cleared my throat. Deep down, I was wishing desperately that you would say yes. I thought that my whole world would fall apart if you’d say no. And so, quietly, I kept on praying.

 

“I don’t see why not.” You kept your smile on. To me, it seemed like it was the best smile I’ve ever seen, to me, it was the brightest star out of the others within the dark sky. And the fact that you said yes made it even brighter. “Oh, I almost forgot. My name is Myoui Mina; I’m the president of this club. There are two more members here. Minatozaki Sana and Chou Tzuyu, but both of them are currently in their cleaning duty... Hopefully, they’ll come by later.”

 

“Son Chaeyoung… I look forward in meeting the other members.” I smiled back.

 

“Say, Chaeyoung-sshi, if you don’t mind, why don’t you draw something for me and show me how good you are?” With your smile still plastered on your face, you gave me one of the sketchpads placed neatly on the table and a mechanical pencil. Gesturing me to draw on it afterward.

 

“Eh? But I’m only good at drawing abst-“

 

“Even so, please draw!”

 

My brows furrowed down to the middle, with it leaving in an instant as soon as I saw you with a frown on. It was too adorable that my hand immediately picked the pencil up and began sketching on the sketchpad. It even took me awhile until I finally noticed what I was doing- What I was drawing- Rather, who…

 

The fact that you were actually sitting down beside me and watching me as I draw made my heart beat fast, but this time, calmer than earlier. And just like my heart, my hand began to shake lightly.

 

“You’re really good at drawing, Chaeyoung-sshi.” Your compliment only made my heart beat even faster. It’s as though your words were soaked with spells that were bound to capture my heart any time. I was at loss for words. I was this in love. And yet, I can’t even say it to you. You were so close to me, yet I wasn’t able to say those three words.

 

“Ah, no… I’m still a beginner when it comes to this…” I managed to utter out before my head dropped itself down. I had to hide it. I had to hide my blush; I had to hide my urge to cry. I had to hide my feelings. For I knew that telling you I loved you ever since our first meeting, that I have been watching you from afar ever since then, would only ruin our friendship.

 

A relationship only has two ending, anyway.

 

It’s either you marry with that person…

 

… Or you break up.

 

With that in mind, even if we were to miraculously date each other, our ending is bound to be the latter one. It was yet another cruelty fate has put me into. And whether I like it or not, the only thing I can do is to accept it. To accept the fact that you and I were not meant to be.

 

“May I ask who this is in the drawing?” My whole world stopped. What was I supposed to answer? My drawing was far too different from reality. It had wings. It had a halo. It was an angel, an angel with a hair coated with the shade of black, and a skin covered with the tone of porcelain. Lying about who it was would, without a doubt, cut me deep inside. That was one of my odd flaws. Even though it’s only a drawing, I can’t lie about it.

 

Especially since in that drawing, I poured all of my heart in it; all of my feelings, all of my desires, and all of my admiration to you. That’s right. My drawing was all about you. An angel who suddenly came to my aid when I was alone, when I had no one to talk to, and an angel who taught me that everything would be alright.

 

“It’s an angel.” I smiled after I gave my answer. But even though I was already satisfied with that vague answer of mine, my thoughts continued on voicing out my feelings. “An angel who helped me not too long ago” I was beginning to panic inwardly. I wanted to run away. But my body wouldn’t move. “An angel named Myoui Mina.”

 

Your stare felt as though it was stabbing daggers right through my heart. It hurt. I wanted to cry.

 

Say…

 

You must be thinking I’m weird now, yes? That’s alright. I was simply answering your question. If you will come to hate me for my answer then that’s alright, I’ll accept it.

 

I’m sorry…

 

I can’t see anything clearly anymore. My vision was already blurry from the tears that had gathered around my eyes. Why am I crying, anyway? I’m putting on a smile, yet small trails of tears wouldn’t stop itself from dropping down for my eyes. That’s weird. This is weird. Everything’s too weird. My feelings, my tears, everything.

 

“Chaeyoung… sshi…?” Your voice echoed throughout my mind.

 

“I’m sorry. I…” I’m already at my limit. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep my feelings inside me anymore. Being near you was like planting a bomb inside me. It feels as though any time now, I’m going to burst. Burst into tears while crying out loudly. Like a new born baby, or even worse than that. “I don’t think I’ll be joining this club after all.” I bowed my head down before turning around, quickly dragging my feet outside as I opened the door before me.

 

“Chaeyoung-sshi, wait!”

 

I could still hear your voice from the room. Still, I continued on running.

 

I’m sorry…

 

I’m sorry for being a wimp…

 

I’m sorry for being scared of rejection…

 

I’m sorry…

 

If only I was born as a man, then this wouldn’t have happened.

 

If only I was born as a man, then maybe,

 

Just maybe…

 

The two of us would have been happier.