Cries. That’s all I could hear. Cries from around me. Inside, I could hear my own heart breaking. You left too soon. I hate myself for letting you go. I hate­ myself for letting you leave so early. It’s time to stop crying. But how am I supposed to stop crying when the woman I love the most have left me, have left all of us?

Sound of the sun rising at the end of the darkness, in the corner of the room where the night is still stagnated, I stood up from my bed lifelessly, walking towards the closet that you and I used to share. I chuckled sadly as I opened the closet, your old clothes are still there. They told me to get rid of it as it only gives me nightmare but I refused, since your old clothes are the only source of happiness to me, although at the same time it kills me day by day. Your smell, your smell on your old clothes. The smell reminds me so much of you.

I could feel myself falling apart piece by piece as I saw a tiny, small, old and dusty box at the corner of the closet. Taking the box out of the closet, it felt heavy, as heavy as my heart and placed it on the floor. Caress the old box, at the same time caressing my old wound too and blow on it. Finding the key, that’s when I finally open my heart.

Inside, are all of the memories we used to share in the past three years we were together. All those sweet love letters, presents, pictures and even our engagement rings. Why am I doing this to myself? I chuckled sadly and lay on the floor, crying as hard as I can as I was holding our engagement rings hardly. Why am I torturing myself?

I wanna leave.

What I need the most right now is a pair of shoes that will take me somewhere, so that I won’t hurt, so that I won’t stop. So that I won’t tire anymore. I want to see you again. I just want to see you for the last time. We promised that we’d spend our lives together till we’re old, on a wheelchair. Now all the promises vanished to thin air, as if it never even exists anymore.

“So long Seungwan,” That was your last word before leaving me, leaving this world. “Please stay alive… for me. For us.”

Will we ever meet at the end of this long and painful road? Every single day I would walk aimlessly, wherever my feet would take me. Walking for hours and hours nonstop, and at the end I would always arrive at the cemetery, standing in front of your headstone. I would spend hours sitting in front of your headstone, talking to nothing, talking to the air. Talking to you. Every single day.

Did we cross as we wandered in this maze that’s killing both of us? Every night, in my dream, every time I closed my eyes, I would dream of you. How cute your smile was. How your laughter was like music to my ears. How clumsy you act in everything you do. How slow was your reaction towards everything that’s been going on around you.

This story isn’t over yet, left here empty like this. I just want to leave. I want to leave this cruel world, and go with you instead. Why can’t I be with you right now?

When I close my eyes slowly, it’s your voice again, your breath, your smile touched me again. Call me crazy but I missed the way we used to be so happy every day, telling silly stories to each other, cooking together and even singing together. You always complimented on how well I can sing, but I thought that you’re better than me, way better than me. I could clearly remember the way you sing that one English song with your cute pronunciation. I would always correct the way you pronounce the word realize. You got it right in the first few tries, but forgot how to say them correctly a few minutes later. I didn’t mind though; the way you say the word is perfect. You were perfect. The only song that you would sing to me. That song, our song.

I don’t know why but I kept digging through the old box, even though I know I would hurt myself more the longer I spend my time looking inside the box. I couldn’t stop, I won’t stop, I didn’t want to stop.

Looking through the box, inside I found a collection of polaroid pictures that both of us used to take together when you were still alive.

~~~~~~~~

“Seulgi want you to stay alive. Isn’t that what she wished for before she died?” Joohyun said, desperation was clear in her voice. She looked at me with teary eyes. She looked as if she was in the verge of crying. She is crying. “Do you think she would be happy to see you like this?”

I kept mum, eyes staring at the wet ground. I know Joohyun is right. The grip on her hands were getting stronger, she wouldn’t, she doesn’t want to let me go.

“Just let me fix you Seungwan, please.”

“No!” I shouted, pushing Joohyun away from me. “I don’t want to be fixed!” I collapsed on the ground, the rain was getting harder as minutes passed. My whole body was drenched. “No one can fix me…” I sobbed as soon as the sentence escaped my mouth. Kneeling on the ground, I buried my face in my palm, sobbing hard.

“No no no.” Joohyun said and quickly kneeled in front of me. “You’re wrong. I can fix you. Just give me a chance, Seungwan.” She pulled me into a tight hug, where I just cried on her shoulder, accompanied by the rain.

~~~~~~~~

“Here.” Joohyun handed me her fresh set of clothes as soon as I sat on her couch, freezing to death. “Change. I don’t want you to catch a cold.”

Saying nothing, I took the clothes from her and quickly walked into her bathroom, since I was too tired to say anything.

I ended up falling asleep inside her dry bathtub.

~~~~~~~~

Opening my eyes slowly, I found myself in an unfamiliar place, on a comfortable and soft mattress. It’s been a while since I felt this comfortable, though my head was hurting so bad. Ignoring the headache, I got up from the bed and walked towards the living room slowly. There on the couch I could see Joohyun sleeping peacefully. Her bangs covering her forehead perfectly, a white blanket covering her petite body.

She must’ve felt uncomfortable sleeping there.

Unknowingly, I found myself standing in front of Joohyun, who was still sleeping.

Out of the blue, her body shifted and her eyes opened slowly. “You’re awake?” Joohyun said with a groggy voice and stretched her body. “Are you hungry Seungwan-ah?”

I just nodded quietly.

~~~~~~~~

Joohyun accompanied me to the grave that day, and gave me a private space to talk to you. She waited outside the entrance of the cemetery as I was sitting in front of your headstone, talking to you as usual.

~~~~~~~~

It was one of the days where I got a really bad nightmare. The images were so vivid, as if it’s real life. I was sweating so bad, tossing around the bed vigorously. I ended up waking Joohyun who immediately run inside her room, waking me up.

“Seungwan!” Joohyun said worriedly as she shook my body full of sweat, trying to wake me up.

Fortunately, I did.

The image of Joohyun’s worried face welcomed my line of sight as soon as I opened my eyes, realizing that it was all just a really bad dream.

She heaved a sigh of relief and pulled me into a tight hug, caressing my back softly for assurance. “It was just a bad dream Seungwan.”

I know it wasn’t just a dream. Those images are real. Those images are killing me.

“J-Joohyun.” I squeaked, still trembling due to the realistic nightmare. “S-Sleep with me tonight, please.”

~~~~~~~~

Cupping my cheeks firmly, Joohyun looked at me with those loving eyes of her while smiling warmly. Her thumb caressing my cheeks softly as she was still staring at me.

“I can’t be Seulgi. But, I can make you feel loved again.”

And Joohyun kissed my lips, soft, so soft that it made my mind going haywire, my heart was thumping so hard and my stomach felt like there was a zoo in there. I kept my eyes opened, and Joohyun closed hers, her expression looked so peaceful. She then proceeded to wrap her arms around my neck and pulled me closer. I didn’t like it, but I didn’t hate it either.

I just let her kiss me, without me responding to it. But, the way she kissed, the feeling, it’s far more different than Seulgi’s, her kiss warms my heart. Her kiss flickers something in me.

Feeling uncomfortable, I pushed her away, but not too hard. Joohyun looked at me with worried eyes, I know that stare. She’s scared. Scared of what I might think.

“S-Seungwan-“

I pulled her into a hug, a tight, warm hug and buried my face in her neck. We were in that position for a few silent minutes before I broke the hug and looked at her.

“Joohyun…” I whispered, “You remind me of home.” And pulled her into a kiss.

That’s when I know, Joohyun is home. Joohyun is my new home.

This story isn’t over yet, left here empty like this.