--

 

“You don’t understand.”

 

“I don’t. But I can see through you, hyung.”

 

“You can’t. Just let me leave.”

 

“But why? I can’t let you leave if you won’t tell me why.”

 

“...”

 

“Please, hyung.”

 

--

 

The days without you become pale

Just like it never happened

So I start my story from the beginning

A new perspective and a world

I didn’t know they come to me with no limit

I’ll become more of an adult than yesterday

and take one more step to you

 

--

 

June 9th, 1999

 

My name is Lee Sungjong. I am 5 years old. I live in Gwangju, Jeolla-dol. I have a 3 year old brother.

 

I got this from my father. He told me to write down my feelings.

 

I went to my uncle’s church at Jeonju, Jeollabok-do. He gave me a necklace called a rosary and told me to keep it with me at all times.

 

I don't know much about my uncle but the church has lots of people.

 

--

 

June 15th, 1999

 

I went to my uncle's church again. It's boring there, but I like dancing in front of everyone. Everyone's eyes are on me.

 

But after, there was one boy that kept looking at me. It was weird, so I looked away.

 

When I looked back, he was gone.

 

Hmm. He looked older than me.

 

--

 

July 19th, 1999

 

It's been a while since I went to Jeonju.

 

The people at the church smiled at me warmly.

 

But I found that boy again! He has small eyes. I think that if I were to compare them to sunflower seeds, they'd be the same.

 

He said his name was Kim Sunggyu.

 

--

 

July 20th, 1999

 

I asked my mother to drive me to uncle's church again. I told her I wanted to ask my uncle about the rosary.

 

I wanted to see Kim Sunggyu again.

 

He wasn't there, though.

 

I asked uncle about the rosary anyway.

 

He said that the rosary wards away badness and evilness of both the past and the future.

 

Somehow, I kind of doubted that.

 

--

 

August 24th, 1999

 

I kept asking Mother to drive me to the church since then.

 

She got annoyed at me, but thought it was because I was getting interested in our religion.

 

Father supported me, saying I could be even smarter.

 

I found Kim Sunggyu again, though. When I was dancing in front of the church people.

 

Kim Sunggyu was smiling.

 

After that, I told him he'd never find someone as great as dancing as me.

 

He laughed.

 

--

 

August 27th, 1999

 

Kim Sunggyu is 9 years old. He lives in Jeonju. He told me he'd come to the church when I'd come.

 

He promised me that.

 

He also said to call him hyung.

 

Did you know Sunggyu-hyung likes sunflower seeds?

 

But, he didn't like me saying that they looked like his eyes.

 

--

 

April 28th, 2001

 

Sunggyu-hyung is 11 today! He came to the church.

My parents like Hyung. My younger brother doesn't seem to like him, though.

 

I gave Hyung a book today. It was about law and justice. He seemed to like it, even though it was like a thousand pages.

 

Happy Birthday, Sunggyu-hyung!

 

--

 

September 3rd, 2001

 

It's my birthday. Mother is ill, so Uncle came over to drive me to church.

 

As always, Hyung was there. He was carrying a large white stuffed bear in his hands.

 

“Happy Birthday.”

 

He said that while giving me the bear.

 

I decided to name it Sunggyu.

 

He sung, too

 

Sunggyu-hyung’s good at singing

 

--

 

March 3rd, 2004

 

Sunggyu-hyung told me he was going to leave.

 

Why? Sunggyu-hyung’s still in school, and his parents don't want him to leave, either.

 

I asked him why, but he said I wouldn't understand.

 

That night, I punched teddy bear Hyung and cried into his fluffy neck.

 

--

 

“You don’t understand.”

 

“I don’t. But I can see through you, hyung.”

 

“You can’t. Just let me leave.”

 

“But why? I can’t let you leave if you won’t tell me why.”

 

“...”

 

“Please, hyung.”

 

“I'm going to Seoul.”

 

“Hyung...”

 

“I'll miss you.”

 

--

 

March 4th, 2004

 

Hyung left.

 

--

 

April 28th, 2006

 

Sunggyu-hyung still hasn't come back.

 

I wonder if he's doing well in Seoul.

 

Maybe if I go there, I'll be able to see him again…

 

Mother and Father probably won't like it, though

 

It's Hyung’s birthday

 

I wish I could give him something

 

Sunggyu-hyung, happy 16th birthday!

 

--

 

August 13th, 2006

 

Uncle asked me why I didn't come to church anymore

 

I said I was busy

 

I like performing at my church

 

Along with my middle school

 

Though mother and father won't like it, I think I'll become a dancer someday

 

Sunggyu-hyung also said he wanted to become a rock band singer

 

Like Nell

 

--

 

16 year old Lee Sungjong walked the streets of Seoul, before stumbling on the practice room location that auditions were taking place in.

 

He had decided to audition at Woollim Entertainment, after being rejected by every other company.

 

A steady line of people trailed from the entrance, and Sungjong could see that stickers were placed upon their shirts.

 

“Hey! Are you auditioning?” The security guard's voice shouted towards him, to where Sungjong nodded. “What's your name, kid?”

 

“Lee Sungjong, sir.”

 

The man looked at his clipboard, before turning the pages several times. “Lee… Ah, Sungjong, is it? Here,” he handed him a sticker with his name and birthday printed neatly on it, “Put that on your shirt. The audition groups are separated in teams, and you're in the last one. Group E. There's only a couple more trainees after you. Good luck, kid.”

 

“Thank you.” Sungjong briefly bowed, before placing the large rectangular sticker over his stomach.

 

He stood in the lengthy line, patiently waiting as Group D went into the practice room as a whole.

 

Only 3 more trainees came after Sungjong, all above his age, around their 20s.

Group E seemed to be a lot more cheerier than their previous group, and the line noisily practiced their auditioning performance.

 

Sungjong didn't need to. He was confident now, even though he had been rejected many times over. He had practiced this routine over many sleepless nights, and practiced many alternatives to be ready. The only thing that was stopping him was vocals, since he had too high of a voice for it to be stable and strong.

 

Nevertheless, Sungjong was confident.

 

“Group E! We're ready for you!”

 

Nervousness quietly bubbled in Sungjong's stomach, but he walked in comfortable strides into the practice room.

 

The room was small and stuffy, definitely unlike SM’s auditioning rooms. A long table with 4 men, 1 woman, and multiple cameras was placed at the far right of the room.

 

Sungjong looked down. 14th. He was the 14th trainee to audition.

The inactive trainees sat in a row of chairs away from the camera, while the auditioning trainee introduced himself at the center of the room.

 

“Hello! My name is Park Youngsoo!” The trainee bowed, before loud music came on.

 

Sungjong had to admit, he was really good at rapping.

 

The next 12 trainees were a mixture of OK’s and GREAT’S. It made Sungjong nervous to see such raw talent right in front of him. It felt like his chances were getting much smaller as of now.

 

“Lee Sungjong?” He flinched out of his seat, before nodding at the woman at the table, who smiled reassuringly.

 

He strode to the center of the room with fake confidence, smiling while biting his lips.

 

“Yes. My name is Lee Sungjong!” He bowed at the judges in a 90 degree angle, and smiled as the judges chuckled endearingly.

 

As the music faded in, he could feel his worries blow away. He focused more on making sharp and precise moves, even with his constricting skinny jeans on.

 

Before he knew it, it was over. He was outside the company room, adrenaline fading from his veins. The cold air met his sweat, making Sungjong shiver as he flagged down a taxi.

 

The CEO seemed pleased at his dance, but Sungjong could notice his grimace when Sungjong began to sing. His smile seemed a lot more forced after the female vocal trainer asked him to dance to a girl group's song.

The rest seemed to like him, although the other male trainer criticized his weak vocals. One of the male choreographers complimented how exact and strong his dance was.

 

All in all, it seemed like they liked him.

 

This was his chance. His chance to become an idol and to dance on the stage he had dreamed of.

 

Sungjong wouldn't give this up. He had to make it.

 

--

 

He had made it.

He had passed the other 2 rounds of the audition, and made the cut.

 

The CEO had told him he was perfect for the cut, especially with his cute image.

 

“You'll be placed into our upcoming boy group. They'll debut in 2010, so you won't have much time to train. This means you'll have to practice a lot, Sungjong-ah.”

 

“Yes, I understand… Thank you so much, Taepyo-nim. I won't disappoint you.”

 

“Of course. You'll be meeting the rest of the group tomorrow afternoon.”

 

Sungjong’s heart beat with nervousness once he thought over the CEO’s last words.

 

What if his teammates were all jerks? He was the maknae, after all. What if they were all mean people?

 

He shook his head. That couldn't be it. The CEO wouldn't bring people like that into their first boy group.

 

But what if…

 

Sungjong sighed, hanging his head with despair and worry.

 

Sunggyu-hyung, give me strength…

 

--

 

The taxi drove through the streets of Seoul with difficulty, as cars jammed the intersection.

 

Sungjong bit his lips and tapped his foot nervously on the carpeted ground, making sure not to aggravate the taxi driver.

 

They finally drove into the lot, which was also the CEO’s home. Sungjong tried to shake off the fact that the company wasn't very wealthy, but couldn't. What if they didn't succeed?

 

“Kid? We're here.” The driver's voice broke into his thoughts, and Sungjong flinched in his seat. “A-ah, yes. Thank you.”

 

He stepped out of the taxi and got his bags of belongings from the trunk. His mother and father had packed them with care, as an apology for yelling at him when they found out he auditioned.

 

The bags were heavy, and he had to lug them out roughly. His breath was almost ragged afterwards.

He rolled them to the entrance of the place, where he rung the doorbell (which seemed weirdly smashed inwards, almost merging with the wall.)

 

After a couple minutes, he opted for knocking on the door multiple times, the insistent rapping hurting his knuckles.

 

Almost immediately after that, the door swung open with a loud squeak. Behind the door was Lee Jungyeop, the CEO.

He seemed haggard, with a ripped white t-shirt on and brown Capri pants. He looked nothing like the smooth, suit-wearing man from the auditions.

 

His arms opened with a greeting smile. “Lee Sungjong! What good timing! Not all of the members are here, but there's enough to introduce you. Come in, while I gather the others.”

 

Sungjong smiled and nodded, and took off his shoes before stepping into the residence. The hardwood floors creaked as he took each step. He rolled his luggages slowly into the small living room, where a worn down brown sofa rested.

 

Meanwhile, Jungyeop turned to the 3 doors to the right of the residence.

 

“YAH! YOU TRAINEES! GET UP AND COME HERE!”

 

Sungjong stumbled at the loud voice, before mumbling softly, “Geez… Is that how he'll call us?”

 

Jongyeop seemed to understand Sungjong's sentiments, as he laughed heartily. “Sorry, Sungjong-ah. These kids won't pay attention unless I yell.”

 

Sungjong laughed lightly. “Understood, Taepyo-nim.”

 

Before he could say more, a brown-haired trainee stumbled out from the far left door. He was wearing a sleeveless white hoodie with black shorts. He didn't seem to notice Sungjong. “Ah, Taepyo-nim. What's up?”

 

Another trainee, this time a tall one, ran from the direction of the garage. “I'm here, I'm here!”

 

3 trainees ran from the middle room, and they were all shorter than the second trainee. One was holding a handheld game, and his face seemed really handsome.

 

Jungyeop’s face brightened at the sight, but he muttered something about a leader under his breath.

 

The CEO clapped his hands together, just as the sleeveless hoodie trainee finally noticed Sungjong. “Oh-?”

 

“Yes! Everyone, this is our new and final trainee, Lee Sungjong! He will be our maknae and lead vocal! Treat him well, won't you?”

 

The handsome, black haired trainee’s eyes brightened at the word ‘maknae.’ He immediately approached Sungjong with a smile, placing his handheld game on a nearby table.

 

Jungyeop watched the interaction with a smile. “That's Kim Myungsoo, our lead vocal and visual. He used to be the maknae. He was born in 1992. Before you hound him, let me introduce the others!”

 

He pointed at the sleeveless hoodie guy, who looked upon Sungjong with wary and dark eyes. Then, the smallest of smiles, almost a twitch of lip corners, broke out. “Let us introduce ourselves, Taepyo-nim. I'm Nam Woohyun. I'm the main vocal and dancer. I was born in 1991, so I'm the 3rd oldest. Nice to meet you.”

 

Sungjong briefly bowed with a small smile in return, before turning to look at another guy. He had a bright smile, but his brown hair was cropped short and messy.

“I'm Jang Dongwoo! I'm a rapper and lead dancer! I was born in 1990, so I'm 2nd oldest! Nice to meet you!”

 

His words were stumbled and messy, but endearing. Sungjong vaguely wondered if anyone could comprehend his raps.

 

(Two days later, he was pleasantly surprised.)

 

A black haired boy suddenly broke his thoughts. He wore a purple shirt with black track pants. “I'm Lee Howon, but call me Hoya. I'm the main rapper and dancer. I was born in 1991 too, but I'm 4th oldest. Nice to meet you.”

 

Sungjong nodded and repeated the words back, smiling. He turned to the tallest trainee, who seemed to be bouncing in his heels, but stopped once Sungjong turned to make eye contact with him.

 

“I'm Lee Sungyeol. I'm the lead vocal along with you and Myungsoo. I was born in the 1991, and I'm 5th oldest. Nice to meet you.”

 

Myungsoo suddenly broke out in laughter. “What's that, hyung? Your voice suddenly got much deeper. Are you trying to act cool?”

 

Sungyeol strode over and elbowed him in his side. “Yah! You're not supposed to reveal that!”

 

Sungjong couldn't help but laugh, which led to everyone's eyes on him.

 

He smiled brightly. “It's nice to meet you all. I was born in 1993, so I'm definitely the maknae. I look forward to working with you all.”

 

He bowed down in a 90 degree angle.

 

Suddenly, a thought came to the front of his mind.

 

“Aren't there supposed to be 6 other members?”

 

Jungyeop laughed. “Yeah. The leader, who was born in 1989, left to take care of something. He should be back soon, though.”

 

1989… Then he'll be Sunggyu-hyung’s age.

 

The front door’s knob jiggled and rattled loudly, catching everyone's attention.

 

“Oh! That should be him! What good timing!”

 

The door opened, to reveal a man with the same small, sunflower seed-like eyes.

 

Sunggyu-hyung?