A dry chuckle escaped the girl’s lips as she sat on the ledge of the rooftop of her building. The air felt fresh, something that made her feel at peace. The bottle of vodka was held tightly in her left hand, knuckles white from the grip. She sighed, taking a deep breath as she attempted to recall her shattered thoughts. Her world was lacking of colour and the life was drained from her.

But, that didn’t stop her from thinking about everything that had spiralled over the past few years. It was true that words hurt more than you realised. It was true that learning to accept it, even though they were all like bullets, helped. It might seem like common sense to stop dealing with the pain when it never ended, but she realised, it just got easier accept the bullet like words – for that one person.

---

The First Bullet

It didn’t start off with words.

At the start, it was just shy smiles and lingering touches. From the first time Jeongyeon saw Nayeon, her usually calm life was filled with colour and excitement. She was always clingy, reaching out for a hug or asking for a kiss out of nowhere. Jeongyeon found it adorable, even though she never really liked to admit it. She truly treasured Nayeon and her presence in her life.

They had their weekly movie sessions, occasional dinner dates – and cuddle sessions where a partner stole a piece of clothing from the other afterwards. It was everything Jeongyeon expected from a relationship and she was happy that things were going well between the two of them. What could possibly go wrong, when they were so happy.

But, Jeongyeon wasn’t ready.

Slowly, she noticed the tense atmosphere whenever they hung out, Nayeon’s eyes showing no emotion as Jeongyeon talked. She was always spending her time on her phone – barely giving Jeongyeon the time of day. There was a change and Jeongyeon didn’t know why it had happened. She wanted an answer; weren’t they happy?

They were slowly drifting apart while Jeongyeon tried to cling on to the little hope that she had that the relationship would work out. Nayeon’s smiles towards her were forced but Jeongyeon refused to believe that there was nothing between them anymore. It was probably a rough time for Nayeon, and she never meant to act that way.

They were invited to a party.

It was here, where Jeongyeon knew that Nayeon was slipping out of her hands. As soon as they’d reached, the space beside her was emptied, and Nayeon had moved through the crowd, hugging a group of girls. It was the way her hand slipped down to wrap themselves around a girl’s waist later that night, and the way she’d leaned in to whisper.

She knew she should’ve gone and approached Nayeon, told her to stop. But, Nayeon had been stressed all week. It was what she needed; to relax and have fun. All Jeongyeon could do was watch as she watched her girlfriend giggle and laugh, teasingly hitting another woman’s arm as she gulped down shot after shot from the table.

She blamed it on the alcohol.

Having been there, Jeongyeon had kept an eye on Nayeon the entire night. She blamed Nayeon’s actions on her lack of sobriety. She pretended not to hear Nayeon when she muttered another name as Jeongyeon carried her back to the car from drinking past her limit. Her insecurities came raging back, making her question where she’d gone wrong.

She loved Nayeon, cherished her and cared for her endlessly. She listened to her when she wanted to rant, took her out on dates and participated in activities that she’d never heard of before. Had Jeongyeon been doing incorrect things all this time? How was she to go about the fact that her girlfriend had uttered someone else’s name.

Jeongyeon pretended the incident never happened.

The Second Bullet

The two of them rarely met.

Jeongyeon was home, Nayeon wasn’t. She’d make breakfast before she left for work, come home to coldness and a lack of presence. What was home if it didn’t feel like it at all anymore? The door would creak at two am and Nayeon would sneak in, reeking of alcohol and smoke and another person’s fragrance. Maybe it was a dinner with friends.

Jeongyeon said nothing. Instead, she’d help Nayeon out of her outfit and pulling off the four inch heels that she wore every time she went out. With a sigh, she held her head between her hands as she sat on the edge of the bed, questioning her choice to stay in such a relationship. There was no existing communication. Her messages were ignored.

It was taking a toll on her.

Jeongyeon was grumpier than before. Her mood was steadily declining with the lack of Nayeon’s presence in her life. She didn’t eat on time. She worked through her lunch breaks and took little time for self-care. Her friends had told her to take care of herself more but Jeongyeon was stuck in this black hole with no way out, for now.

Her patience was wearing thin and she was close to burning out. A week later, she out, waking up to the sight of pure white walls and the sickening stench of disinfectant. Jeongyeon moved to sit up too fast, a familiar hand guiding her instead. Maybe it was a hallucination that Nayeon was beside her right now.

She should’ve known.

Good things were never meant to last, perhaps. A few days after being dismissed and taken care of by Nayeon, she was abandoned yet again. But, this time, Jeongyeon was stronger. Maybe, she could finally say something to her. Maybe it was time for her to stand up for herself and their relationship that was falling apart and tearing her too.

It was the first heated argument that they’d had. Jeongyeon had never seen such a spiteful side from Nayeon. As soon as the words escaped Nayeon’s lips, it struck Jeongyeon deep in her heart, lodging itself inside. The words continued to play on loop in her mind. When had Jeongyeon become overbearing and constricting?

It was just in the moment.

Jeongyeon was hurt by the words, but she knew they weren’t true – she paid no heed to them. She prevented it from letting it change how she would act around Nayeon. Nayeon hadn’t meant those words, she was just feeling annoyed at something else and let her anger out on Jeongyeon because she couldn’t hold it in any longer.

She’d gladly take all those words over Nayeon’s departure in her life. She would get used to those words that hurt like bullets, accepting it, regardless of how much it pained her. Jeongyeon would be okay with getting shot at, as long as Nayeon was the one behind the holder of the gun aimed towards her. She didn’t care to be hurt by her.

It wasn’t going to happen again.

The Third Bullet

Nayeon’s words haunted Jeongyeon.

It was safe to say, nothing was the same in Jeongyeon’s eyes. She tried to brave a front that didn’t worry Nayeon – not that she picked up on much. But the damage was done, even if she tried to look okay. Things were just getting worse between them. It hurt so bad, but Jeongyeon refused to give in too soon. She’d bear the pain – she could do it.

The pair often sat in silence, when they happened to find time to spend together. No more cuddling, no more movie nights. It was like there was an invisible barrier between the two of them, like they were two negative charges, repelling each other. The only thing Jeongyeon ever looked forward to was sleeping in her bed at night, alone.

Suspiciously, things looked better all of a sudden.

Something shifted in their relationship after their recent fights. They’d gone back to their honeymoon phase, going out on dates and spending more time together. There was equal input into the relationship. Nayeon was on her phone less and it was all good feelings again. After a long time, Jeongyeon was happy seeing Nayeon smile.

Despite the change, Jeongyeon felt like she was treading on a thin layer of ice, wondering when it’ll crack. She was no longer confident in the longevity of their relationship. She wished she could think positively about how Nayeon was with her again, but she was so used to the feeling of loneliness, she couldn’t trust that Nayeon would stay.

Jeongyeon had her own share of regrets.

She was sensitive about her past. One of the main reasons that she refused to say anything to harm Nayeon was because it had happened once. Seeing Nayeon, crying endlessly, was a memory etched forever into Jeongyeon’s mind. It was her greatest regret and something she never wanted to see again. She had to be careful; she knew the importance of words.

In an instant, it could break someone, if they weren’t strong enough. That’s why she had to take in everything Nayeon said with a brave heart. It was a toxic situation but Jeongyeon felt like it was worth it. She would go on and show Nayeon that she wasn’t going to be affected no matter how bad her words hurt her – she’d be there for Nayeon.

Her past came back to haunt her.

Jeongyeon had simply asked to Nayeon to be careful of who she was friends with, but why had she reminded her of that incident that she hated to recall. How could Nayeon compare Jeongyeon old self with her new friends? She hurt Nayeon and she felt incredibly guilty for it but why did Nayeon have to throw it back in Jeongyeon’s face when she tried to forget it.

The words that escaped Nayeon’s lips, telling Jeongyeon how her attitude hurt Nayeon so much, had broken Jeongyeon. They promised to leave it in the past but clearly, Nayeon was using it as a clarification of how it didn’t matter who she was friends with, if her girlfriend was just the same. But the difference was that Jeongyeon had changed, for Nayeon.

Jeongyeon was speechless and alone, again.

The Fourth Bullet

There were more fights now.

More shouting, more coldness residing in Nayeon’s eyes than before. They wouldn’t talk for days, neither refusing to break first. But, Jeongyeon was always the one who couldn’t bear the silence and pleaded for forgiveness. She couldn’t go through every day, knowing that she’d upset the person that she loved. It never crossed her mind that Nayeon never apologised.

No matter what harsh words were thrown at her, Jeongyeon never said anything that could hurt Nayeon. She couldn’t deal with the guiltiness that would result from saying such words that could have the power to tear someone else apart. It was ironic; Nayeon could say anything to her and she’d take it all, but she couldn’t say anything back.

Jeongyeon was being nagged at.

Her friends tried to convince her to stop and think about herself instead of prioritising Nayeon. The relationship was toxic, they said. Jeongyeon was quick to shoot their worries down, telling them it was okay. But who was she fooling really? One look at her and you could tell that nothing was okay in her life. She couldn’t even convince a fool.

They tried to take her out more, to lunches and dinners. Jeongyeon was looking better than before. She was grateful she had such friends who worried about her and cared about her, even though she was fine. She’d received hugs and motivating speeches, telling her to find someone better, someone who could take care of her.

Nayeon noticed her lack of presence.

It was surprising, really – seeing Nayeon sitting on the couch at home, waiting for Jeongyeon to walk inside. A simple question asking where she was, before Nayeon left Jeongyeon in the hallway yet again. But, to Jeongyeon, that meant that Nayeon still cared. She still sought Jeongyeon out, despite whatever differences they had. It meant a lot.

There was a spring in her step the next morning, everyone could tell. Nayeon was messaging her more and asking where she was when she wasn’t home. It was what Jeongyeon needed to feel whole again. There could be no other reason as to why Nayeon would talk to her more often and check up on her during the day, of course.

It blew over as quickly as it started.

Jeongyeon had just come home from work, a bunch of roses in her hand to surprise her girlfriend. She didn’t react when Nayeon flinched when she hugged her. She felt the change of mood in their home, the darkness clouding Nayeon’s eyes once again. Nayeon asked for a break up and Jeongyeon could only wonder what brought it on.

She didn’t hesitate to ask why and maybe that was her mistake. Apparently Nayeon had a whole list of things she wanted to get off her chest. It started from Jeongyeon’s lack of empathy to her failure to meet Nayeon’s needs. Or, how Jeongyeon was never home. She was heartless and unkind, being selfish only. Jeongyeon remained confused. How had she acted in such a way?

The pain was excruciating.

The Fifth Bullet – The Last

They decided to take a break.

It wasn’t a break up, simply a little bit of time away from each other. Jeongyeon fought herself with much difficulty, trying to stop herself from messaging Nayeon or checking up on her. It would be too soon, she thought. But, clearly, Nayeon’s Instagram updates showed that she was fine going out with friends and partying. Shouldn’t they get back together then?

It was a moment of disarray when Nayeon asked for a break up – not her true feelings, right? So, they would be fine to get back together and fix their relationship which had been falling apart for so long now. Jeongyeon didn’t want to let this break go on for so long. They were already three months in. What if Nayeon forgot her?

It wasn’t going well.

Jeongyeon had gone back to her habits of not eating well, not resting enough. The words her friends spoke flew over her head, nothing making sense anymore. Was it what she deserved? She hadn’t thought that she would be suffering alone again. She thought that taking in what Nayeon had said, again and again would be enough.

But, it seemed like it wasn’t working. It hadn’t worked. Nayeon hadn’t come back to their place in 29 days and 4 hours. Jeongyeon hesitated to pick up her phone, knowing she’d want to dial Nayeon’s number. She couldn’t do that. She shouldn’t do that. A reminder popped up on her screen. Maybe she’d see Nayeon sooner than she thought she would.

There was a party, again.

Jeongyeon knew Nayeon had been invited and would come. After all, it was an end of year graduation party – one of the biggest of the year. Maybe she could finally see the girl in person, who’d been invading her mind with her disappearance. Or would she watch her from the side like that time where Nayeon had gotten drunk?

As soon as Jeongyeon spotted the red head that stood out in the crowd, she didn’t hesitate to move through the crowd, pushing the party attendants as she got closer. Her laughter echoed in Jeongyeon’s ears as she almost neared the group of people she was standing with, the music too loud to hear what she was talking about.

It was finally too much.

When Nayeon’s friends pointed to Jeongyeon, Nayeon turned around. Jeongyeon expected a smile or even some recognition – but maybe she had high hopes. A friend of hers, called Jeongyeon out, asking if she was looking for someone, but Nayeon hadn’t said anything to respond to that. Instead, she threw her head back and laughed out loud, effectively cutting the music.

All eyes were on the two but Jeongyeon was shaken. Nayeon was looking at her with so much spite and hatred and anger, she was struggling to breathe from it all. Then those words tumbled out of , followed by the laughter of the entire crowd of the party. She felt embarrassed, not because of Nayeon’s words, but because she’d let this go on for so long.

She was broken.

---

“Sana?”

“Why have you become so overbearing and constricting? I can’t even breathe with you around me!”

“From what I recall, you were just like him, lousy and uncaring of the world around you. You shouted at me and brought up my family in that conversation, do you remember? I don’t think there’s much of a difference between you two.”

“You can’t relate to anything I say. You just nod all the time, walk with me like a robot and spend time with other people – not even with me! You’re heartless, Yoo Jeongyeon. You never know what I want!”

“This girl? Who is she? Obviously, she doesn’t even belong here.”

Those words were what Nayeon had spoken to Jeongyeon; those words that hurt her, shot towards her like bullets from a gun held up so close. Jeongyeon had tried to take it all in, pretended that none of it had affected her but this fifth bullet, this fifth bullet was the last of what she could take. She stood in front of Nayeon, a smile on her face as a tear rolled down her cheek.

She almost thought that she saw Nayeon worry about the change, that there was something she was expecting from Jeongyeon – maybe even a shout in retaliation. But, Jeongyeon would not do the same as what Nayeon had done. Words have value; words shouldn’t be thrown around as they have been. So much could be expressed, yet they’d been used negatively.

“This is what you’ve wanted for a while, right? I won’t let your words hurt me. Im Nayeon, this is all getting old now. I’m used to this – I hope you’re happy now. You taught me a lot. Thank you for letting me know that vicious words hurt like bullets.” Jeongyeon chuckled bitterly, wiping away the last of her stray tears as she left the party.

---

And as she left, Nayeon simply watched her go. It was a long time coming and she knew. But Jeongyeon was stubborn. Jeongyeon never said a thing to her when she was hurting. Jeongyeon never let her know when her words were too much. Jeongyeon was too good for Im Nayeon. Jeongyeon deserved the world.

The party ended but her mind was a mess. The cluster of fake friends around her had disappeared a long time ago and Nayeon was glad. Reaching through her mini bar, she grabbed a bottle of unopened vodka and a glass, before she left her room and headed towards the elevator. She pressed the button for the rooftop, stumbling into the cold air.

This was what Jeongyeon needed; an escape from her. Jeongyeon deserved better. She hated that she hurt her, broke her, but even with the warnings, she never left Nayeon’s side. Her toxicity was contagious. It infiltrated and engulfed everyone around her and all Nayeon did was cause everyone else pain around her.

She couldn’t do that to Jeongyeon. Jeongyeon, who had stayed by her side and listened to her every word, no matter how painful they were. The one who kissed away her tears and held her tight when she broke down. She couldn’t dare to place her burdens on Jeongyeon who was too pure for this world and the failures she was made up of.

And even all the way towards the end, Jeongyeon had been the better person. She never dared to say anything that would hurt Nayeon. She never shouted back at her yet Nayeon continuously hurt her, over and over again. She spoke harsh words, brought up the past and broke Jeongyeon. She finally got her to let go of her hold on Nayeon.

Just like that, the waterworks began, Nayeon struggling to breathe as she thought about everything that had resulted from their relationship. She’d done the right thing. She made the right choice. She wouldn’t regret it. No matter what, she wouldn’t hold on to the decision that she made tonight because it was for Jeongyeon.

This was for the good.

---