It was the first day of college.

It was the first day that I met you.

 

I still remembered that you were wearing a pair of dark blue jeans and a short cropped top. Your socks were mismatched and it looked funny yet cute on you. Your hair was blonde and long with cute little bangs covering your forehead. I swear you looked beautiful more than ever.

and that very day, was the day I fell in love with you.

 

"Hi! My name is Hirai Momo. You can call me, Momo. What's yours? And... could I perhaps get your number?" You blurted out that question as soon as you introduced yourself to me. You grabbed my phone and immediately pushes the button to save your phone number for me. I didn't even ask you for it but yet you gave me one.

 

Smiling, I nodded even though you grabbed my phone before I could even answer. "Sure, Momo. I'm Jeongyeon, Yoo Jeongyeon."

"I'm sorry. I'm kind of excited to have more new friends." You let out a small chuckled at the end of your sentence.

"It's alright, Momo. I am more than happy to be your friend." I smiled, and you smiled at me back. I swear that smile made my heart skipped a beat and I knew by that, it means you've just booked a place in my heart.

 

I was so happy that I became your friend. I was secretly hoping that maybe, maybe you will like me too.

 

Starting from that day, we grew closer and closer. The weekend and free times we have were filled with us watching movies together or just talking about random stuffs, ideas and thoughts. Sometimes we would be talking about serious topics and some other time we would just be completely dumb and dumber, talking about ridiculous things like 'can we die from eating too much toothpaste?' I laughed out loud when you asked me that kind of question. I just love how weird we are and the fact that we are we and nothing could change us from being one.

 

I love you more when I get to know more about you. I fell even harder for you because of that. What is there not to love about you, Momo? You're beautiful, kind, funny and perfect in my eyes.

 

If we weren't in college or if we were away from each other, we would spend our days skyping or texting to each other from day to night. Even if we see each other, we would still be texting to ask how the days were and talked about our activities in classes. We would still be talking even if there was no need to talk to. We just kinda did what we did. We were very fond of each other. Attached, yeah that's what our friends told us. We were practically attached to each other like magnets. We were like a 'couple' and some people were jealous of us too.

 

Talking was our daily routine and we never grew tired of it. It was either me or you who would initiated a text first. Every second that we stopped is either because we're busy or we're doing something else. I would start to grew to miss you when I don't receive any replies from you. I don't know about you but I miss you every second I didn't get the chance to see or talk to you. Either ways, either one of us will eventually started to text back if we ever stopped. But, that rarely happens because none of us will try to end it.

 

One day, we had a misunderstanding and it was indeed, my mistake. It was during the holidays. I ignored your text messages or reply with short replies purposely, trying to joke around with you. I wanted to see if you would ever miss me. But, I was wrong to do so. It was too harsh and it made you sad. It made you mad.

 

Why were you sad, Momo? Why were you mad?

Did you perhaps like me too?

 

I swear I felt like I have lost you the second you left me with no talks or jokes to share with. You were quiet and you stopped texting me.

 

When I apologized and told you the truth about wanting to see your reactions, you told me you were upset and I should never toy with your feelings. I said sorry over and over again but you replied with just a lol and you never replied to any of my texts after that. I tried to call you and you wouldn't pick up any of my calls.

 

I soon realized that I missed you so much. And... I was sorry that I made you mad. I didn't mean to. I am really sorry. The holidays passed and both of us had to return to college. When I saw you, I scream out your name.

 

"Momo!" I ran as fast as I could to you so that I could apologize for what I did.

Thankfully, you did not run. You stood there, waiting for me. Before I could even say sorry, you opened up your mouth and say, "I could never be mad of you, Jeongyeon. You're my best friend. I'm sorry I didn't reply to any of your texts. Will you forgive me?" You hold both of hands while looking at me with your pretty round brown eyes. How are you so kind, Momo? It was my fault, yet you're the one who apologized first? How unfair.

 

"I'm sorry too, Momo. Shall we go for a lunch? I've missed you!" I asked for a 'date' with you and you smiled at me, showing your perfect white teeth before saying, "Sure, Jeong! Let's go get ourselves a meal and have all the time we want. Oh, and I missed you more!" You claimed and gave me a quick kiss on my right cheek. It made me blush really hard and I felt so happy, it's like I'm outside of the universe! Before I even knew it, you grabbed my right hand with your left hand and dragged me to the cafeteria. Our hands were intertwined for the very first time.

 

We got even more closer than ever after the incident. We would be sleeping together, as friends of course on my bed or yours. We cuddled a lot whenever we have the time to do so. We were very comfortable with each other. Hugs that we gave to each other made me feel safe and warm. I felt love when you hugged me but I don't know if it was out of your friendly gesture or genuinely, love.

 

You started to call me baby in and out of text. When you call me that, my heart flutters every single time. I never grew tired of it. Having used to that sweet callings, I started to call you baby too. I changed your contact name from 'Momo' to 'Baby ❤️'. We also never stopped exchanging I love yous and I miss yous whenever we talked to each other. I knew something sparked in the little heart of ours. We loved each other so much but none of us tried to tell one another.

 

You asked me once if it's okay for you to try and kiss me. I said yes, and you said it was for experimenting purposes. But I knew you just wanted to kiss me and I wanted to kiss you too. Your lips felt soft and moist when it came in contact with my mine. The kiss were sweet and it lasted for few minutes. We looked into each other eyes and I saw what people say, true love. You fell in love with me too, Momo.

Little did you know, I fell in love since the day I met you. And I never stopped loving you, Momo. If only you knew about that...

 

We then started to go for little dates but I was a coward, I never really asked you out and all the dates we went were just as friends. But, I didn't care. I was happy and so did you.

 

Until one day, everything changed. I let myself hurt you again and it gave you a deep scar. I could never forgive myself for what I did to you.

 

It was on the 1st November last two years when we fought for the very first time. Why did it have to be that day? It was my day, my birthday. You knew it was... I made a mistake, again. I let the demons took over me and I hurt you. You knew what I was going through but... that doesn't help to cover the mistakes I did to you. I knew that.

'Excuses', that's what you said to me in a tone of half disappointed and half mad.

 

I am sorry, Momo.

I never wanted to hurt you.

It was my fault I am like this until today.

It was my fault, my actions did this to you.

And it wasn't yours. Never yours.

 

I begged for your forgiveness that day. I didn't want to end us. I knew we never declared ourselves to be a couple but, you knew we were more than friends. We knew we were belong to each other and the fact that we were about to end our special friendship made our hearts bleed crimson red, pain was painted all over our heart. It torn our beating hearts like a glass shattered into million pieces. I managed to have a talk with you. You came to my room and told me what you were feeling. How sad you were that you managed to hurt me. You trusted me that I will never hurt you but... it was all lie. You cried in my arms that night. I whispered sorry and sorry all over again. You stopped crying after few minutes and without saying anything, you left me and we didn't talk for a month.

 

I felt empty, hopeless without you. I tried to talk to you but you never responded to any of my calls or texts. You avoided me whenever we ran into each other at college too. I was truly sad. I thought we would end. But, it didn't. God gave you and I another chance. You gave me another chance to fix us. So, we became friends again but it was never the same. We grew apart and we never stopped fighting. There will always be something that we would fight for. I was tired and you were too. But then, you looked happy in the midst of all our fights. It wasn't the same for me, all that I could ever think was the thought of fixing my relationship with you. All that I ever think of is you.

 

I wondered why and soon I knew about the new friend of yours. You met her on the first day we fought. You've replaced me with her. I didn't know how to react to that so I stayed quiet and believed that it was for your happiness after all.

 

Day after day,

Less texts, less calls, less talks.

and never... the I love yous.

and I never had the chance to feel your lips on mine ever again.

 

I got busy with my tasks and assignments. And so do you. Only the fact that, you were accompanied by her while I didn't have anyone. I was alone, trapped in a jail with the demons I had inside of me.

 

Without you on my side, I became more and more insane. I forgot who I was. I needed help and I scream for it but no heard my cry because when we were still together, it was you the only one who heard me and saw the pain I had inside of me.

Pain. Hurt. That was all that I felt. I couldn't take it anymore. I was tired of all these bulls. I wanted it to stop. I was stuck in the dream of ours. I was stuck with the imagination of holding you in my arms again. I couldn't accept the fact that you were now someone else's other half.

I knew you loved her. The way you looked her in the eyes told me so. It was the same way you looked at me before, baby.

 

You were mine and I was yours.

I was the one for you,

and you were the one for me..

 

I cried. All over again. Anger took over me. Why would I be mad? 'We were never a couple!' Feeling mad at myself, I threw everything that was on my desk. The glass cups with a coffee in it breaks after it comes to contact with the hard marbled floor. The black coffee spilled all over the floor. I then picked the glass up and a sudden thought came into my head.

 

'Would you be happy if I was gone, baby?'

You have forgotten me, didn't you?

 

With the glass on my hand, I crushed them with my bare hands. Bloods flowed and gushed outside of my hands and it blended well with the coffee that were spilled on the floor.

'You're such a pathetic, Jeongyeon', I whispered to myself. I got up from the floor and went washing my hands. Ever since that day, I never stopped hurting myself. I hurt myself because I hate myself for hurting you.,Scars could be seen all over my body but I hid them well so only I could see them. I wished you knew what I did. I wished you would come and stop me. But, you didn't.

You really did forget about me.

 

You looked really happy. You laughed a lot. I was so happy for you. Your happiness is my happiness, Momo. It was all that I asked for. I love you, Momo. Even if you don't love me, I will still love you.

 

One year passed, and we never talked again. One day, I quit college and you asked me why. You talked to me after so long and I missed your voice so much. I lied to you. I said I needed to work and find money for college funds. But that wasn't it, I quit because I have reached my limits.

 

I was tired. I needed to rest, not short, but for a very long time. That night, I looked at the photo of us for the very last time. 'You're happy now aren't you?', I smiled at that thought. I decided to give myself one last chance and went to the college next day.

 

I saw you at the bench near the park. I walked towards you but was stopped with a sight of you kissing your new friend. I felt tears on my cheek... All sorts of feelings were inside of me. I ran as fast as I could to my car and drove home.

 

I arrived home and went to the kitchen. I rummaged through the drawers to find myself a sharp tool for my next agenda. I didn't find any, but I found something that was even better. I found it in small cabinet hidden under boxes of cereals.

I took it with me to my room. I locked myself in my room. The demons were getting stronger.

 

I need to stop this. I need to.

With the last deep breath that I took, I brought the item near my head.

I closed my eyes and the sight of you smiling at me was the last thing that made me smile and...

 

'Bang!'

 

Everything next were nothing but the color black.