Chapter 1: the first petal that fell

 

The hallways were crowded, a constant scenery for a student’s life. It is a chaotic, as the monotone shouts and whispers are filling up the calmness that the warm afternoon air gives. Every rooms have different noise, playing like an orchestra with full of fuss and deadbeat musicians.

Renjun runs, flowing to the river of people; never stopping, swirling around them like they are the obstacle to his goal. Lunch break. The time where most of the students prefer to either stay in classrooms or in courtyard. But for him, the garden behind the school building was his safe haven. A perfect place to conceal his own petals, hiding, covering with the true blossoming flowers.

The stone path of the garden was almost covered by grass and moss; the green color is turning yellow as the sunlight heat streaming on it. There are a lot of neglected fruit trees, from apple to mango. The flower beds with tangled thorns are next to the huge stones and disheveled lawns. He sat on the stone bench and let the bulk of white petals and vomit spilled out of his mouth.

White. He’s been on the first stage of hanahaki for almost a year, supporting himself with the medicines that was prescribed. White means pure and gentle; reflecting how his feelings for Jeno are still mild and innocence. The first flower he vomited was a gardenia which means secret love. A hidden affection he felt towards the boy who was seating next to him in his classes. The next flower was daisy, a moon pennies that are well-known for its message of true and loyal love. And of course, white means new beginnings. The eye-smile of the younger boy that carved his deepest wounds, gave life to his first bud of flower inside his lungs.

The first stage of hanahaki disease was the vomiting of white flower and medicine can somehow prevent its body pain, tolls, and side effects as the patient’s body won’t survive the sudden blossoming of the flowers for the first stage. Medicines are usually effective to him, drinking those tablets is part of his morning routine. It helps him to control his lungs for those sudden explosion of petals. It is just today, his fate tried to give some twist to his dull, monotonous life. Something similar to a game where the other player tried to pull out some dirty trick, hitting his weakest spot.

It’s strange, as Jeno approached him in time between their classes, more frequent than he usually does. Talking about random things, from the unjust homework to the latest hearsay that pass down to every student while trying to hide behind the old wooden walls of the classrooms. For Renjun, these moments are test, a challenge for his capacity. An assessment for his limit of how long he can hold his petals; covering it with the taste of sweet candies that he chewed as the clock ticks its seconds and minutes.

“Here.”

There is a voice coming from his behind, it’s Donghyuck; who’s stretching his arm, giving a bottle of water to Renjun. “Have you drink your medicine? You’re vomiting petals again.”

It is his usual worried tone, concerned but oblivious at the same time. He’s one of those rare type of friend, a secret keeper. A friend who is willing to hide and conceal all of the secret and weakness of Renjun. He’s a kid that who only prefer to listen and don’t have guts to ask, as if being curious is a sin, a disrespectful manner.

“I… I forgot.” He lied, gulping the water he received from the younger boy, soothing his itchy throat.

It is better to utter a two-words lie than narrate and explain the whole truth. For him, it is better to keep Donghyuck under the shadows, hiding from the painful light of truth that love is not all about those butterflies and stars. As for other people, the unfortunate one, love also means curse flowers, roots, and thorns that blossoming in their soul. His friend is guiltless; telling him all of these truths also means he will know that his late father didn’t just died from a uncurable disease, but indeed it is because of loving someone else. It will tarnish his idea of true love, soulmates, and family.

Renjun wiped his mouth, making his saliva and the acidic residue to form and adhere to his uniform sleeve. Unconscious that it will stain and leave a metallic smell. “Eww, stop that. Get some wipes.” Donghyuck whined, flinched to what he seen. Renjun laughed, finally calm after the mess he experienced. It is his own storm that comes and go. “You followed me here so savour the view of my mess.”

They both laugh, decided that it is better to stay in the garden for a while, wasting every minute of their free time.

---

The sound of the warning bell echoed to every corner of the school. It wakes up the two boys who were daydreaming, resting in the secluded garden, as if the bell was tinkled right into their ears.

They ran, scorched down the muddy garden path. Quickened their pace as if the tempo of the clock hands speeds up; making them feel that the formerly short and crowded hallways are now isolated and will end hundreds of meters away. The salty droplets start to fell in their faces, drenched their uniforms, leaving map of perspiration. As they walk through the door, they gasp all the air that they can breathe, making their chests rise and fall in aggressive manner. Both of them rush to their respective assigned seats, settling themselves as the proctor’s presence is still nowhere to be seen.

---

The lessons are as usual, hard, complicated to understand for the given short time. Renjun is struggling, so much, between whether he will focus on listening or jotting down the lecture notes. Maybe the other, his classmates, manage to do both except him. Not now; his body loves to suffer, having some aftermath pain as if his battle a while ago was not enough. It is neither another pile of petals nor suffocation; his stomach keeps on swirling, waving, as it feels like his stomach was slowly digesting itself little by little. He remembers now that he and Donghyuck starve themselves during the lunch break. They stayed for too long in the garden, wasted their free time for him being sick and his friend for comforting him.

Renjun swallowed back a pool of saliva. Fighting the involuntary shakes of his wobbly body, feeling light-headed and empty. His stomach snarled like how a little puppy whimpers in a subtle undertone of pain. He breathes deeply, thinking if his candies are enough to satisfy the hunger and nausea he currently feels, even though he already eaten a lot of it since this morning. The sugar already overkilled his taste buds, leaving the sour aftertaste behind.

“Hey” someone said, tapping Renjun’s shoulder in hope to get his attention.

He whirled around when he noticed that their teacher was now too busy writing some words on the board. He’s trying to shift half of his body to see the person behind him; knowing exactly who it may be. The younger boy who he silently curses and love at the same time.

“Take this,” Jeno says, lifted his one arm that’s holding two cereal bars, leaning forward, resting his chin on his palm, closing the distance between him and Renjun. “Did you hear it?” Renjun whisper, cheeks turned crimson from shyness.

Jeno snickered, gently moving his head from one side to another, “Just take these,” shaking his hand, waving the cereal bars that he’s holding.

Renjun crinkled his nose, whisper a soft ‘thank you’ while grabbing the snacks and trying his best to avoid any contact, like his skin touching the other might make his nausea worse.

He turned around facing the board again, acting as if nothing happened. His whole face lit up. Silently opened the pack and take a bite; being careful that he won’t create any sound and making sure that no one can spot him eating while in class. He’s too grateful and delighted so he doesn’t even care that he’s eating a dark chocolate-flavoured nutty cereal bar. Renjun doesn’t like any bitter food, but he can disregard the taste of it at that moment.

There must be something with his hunger, it might really have left him soul-empty as his mind are clouded by those sparks of affection. Other than the food, he is thankful as the throes of his hanahaki didn’t even blossom even though his heart is currently skipping from so much glee for their short interaction.

---

It is weekend in the middle of September, but Renjun and Donghyuck are currently stress to their mountain of unfinished homeworks.

The books and notes are scattered everywhere, from the cold carpeted floor to the small single bed. Cold and darkness can be felt inside the room as everything is in monochrome; making black as the dominant color and white balancing the mood. The view of the night sky freckled with stars from the skylight makes the ambience peacefully surreal. The room seems spacious even though there’s a television, game consoles, bookshelf, and half-finished canvas leaning on the wall. There are paintings on the walls covered by fabrics, concealing its beauty from the world. The air still carries the scent of paints even though Renjun stopped creating his masterpieces since he got hanahaki disease.

“I can’t wait for the winter break.” Donghyuck mumble, he’s just like any other people who dislike autumn season, hating it even though it just got started.

“Shut up. You’re just lazy, don’t even blame the season for it.” Renjun hissed, kicked Donghyuck away from him as both of them are slumping in his cold bedroom floor while holding their textbooks. The autumn breeze makes his friend lazier than usual as if he’s starting to feel more tired and makes him want to rest more. Renjun still remember what are the exact words that Donghyuck answered to him when he asked why he even hatred a season.