Dear Seungwan,

You were the absolute apple of my eye. No other person could ever get me to feel the same adrenaline you made me feel. From your purple hair to your expressive eyes, and to what I loved about you the most, your smile.

It was like a drug, a drug that I could never get enough of. Your smile would radiate my day no matter how bad it was. With the twinkle of your eyes and the soft smile you gave me, I knew I was damned.

You were introduced to me through a friend. I was a loner who only didn’t even have close friends to rely on at that time. Having come to school a week after it had just started because I was on a trip, everything was awkward for me. I felt out of place, lonely, and behind. Everyone already had their respective cliques, and I was all alone. You introduced me to your friends, the same people who ended up making the rest of my junior year the best I could ever have.

My world was dark until I met you. Now thinking back at it, I don’t even remember when I fell in love with you. Maybe it was during the school trip when we were fooling around and having the time of our life. Perhaps it was when you had that knowing smile while asking me if I was gay. Maybe it was when I felt that pang of jealousy in my heart when I saw you cuddling with your best friend.

I knew you didn’t like me back and chose to handle it bitterly. I treated you the way I shouldn’t have treated you. I called you names, said snarky remarks and refused to admit my feelings for you. It’s no surprise you thought I hated you. Despite my cold demeanor to you, I absolutely adored you. Secretly, I went the extra mile to see you smile and to be in the same room as you. I even remember rushing upstairs after school every day to where you waited for your ride to pick you up just so I could talk to you for 5 minutes.

We didn't talk a lot at the time since we weren’t close. You would just talk to your best friend while I sat there. I never complained though, your presence itself calmed me and made me feel happy. I could just sit there and stare at you all day with how beautiful you are. Everything about you made me feel fuzzy.

I realized I was in love with you only after my mother told me I was transferring schools. I had always known that I felt something for you but never acknowledged it as love until I knew for sure. Even today, I hate texting first, but for you, I wouldn’t mind. I would always text you after school to ask how your day was or ask who your crush was. It was never me, but I still supported you and whoever you were talking to because your happiness comes first.

Gradually, I became softer with you. I showered you with compliments and got rewarded with us getting closer. We would hug, and I would always compliment you on how you gave the best hugs. I even daydreamed of days of us as a couple. Creepy? Maybe, but what can I say, I was a lovesick fool.

I would dream of days where I would be able to take you out and buy things for you. I would imagine of days where I would be able to casually tell you those three words. I always remembered that you liked BigBang, so I even tried getting a signed album just for you. I definitely would've dropped everything I had only to give you the world because you deserved it. 

Even today, you’ve been the only person who I was willing to drop everything for. 

I tried becoming a better person for you, I worked harder in school so we could possibly have a future together, and I carried myself better. I wanted to make myself a better person just for you. 

Towards our last days together, I would always stare at you. No matter what, it just seemed like my eyes would shift to you. You had that effect on me. I learned to cherish every last moment we’d have. From our group of friends planning a surprise party for you to you laying on my lap as I stared down at you with loving eyes, even today I remember and cherish it all. We took a picture together. I’m sure you don’t have it anymore, but I kept my copy for 3 years. Pathetic, right? I kept it in a box where I keep all of my prized possessions.

I destroyed those happy days because we ended in a bitter way.

I hated myself that day. I cried myself to sleep with regret and begged my friends to keep me updated with you. 

I had told a mutual friend of mine a secret you had, and you found out. My heart hurts thinking about it right now… you had a crush on me then, and we could’ve worked it out if I hadn’t of ed up. I’ll always be bitter at myself for that. There's a deep hatred I'll always have towards myself in the pit of my heart.

You yelled at me, and I yelled back because I was defensive. I didn’t want to admit I was wrong and, consequently, I completely lost your trust that day. It happened just a week after you tried to hang out with me one on one… I didn’t want to because I was trying to get over you and I knew seeing you face to face would make me fall all over again. 

To add insult to injury, I even got a text from your internet friend saying how wrong it was of me to do that.

I never even got to tell you I was in love with you. You only knew I had a crush on you.

Yet here I am, telling my friends to get over their exes. The irony. I’m over here thinking about you even though we haven’t talked in a year. I’m sure you’ve forgotten me.

I wrote this not because I'm still in love with you but because I just want some sort of closure. You always come to my head when I’m depressed. My mistake with you always comes back up to tell me how worthless and stupid I am, or how terrible of a person I am. All of it. 

But, writing this out has definitely helped. Now when I see you my heart doesn’t do summersaults anymore. 

they say you only fall in love with 3 people so at least I have 2 more chances left, right?

You’ll never see this message, but I just wanted to let you know that I was in love with you, so much to where my friends told me they noticed because I always went beyond for you. They teased me about how I would always stare at you and would try to impress you. 

Are you my first love? Definitely. My first adult love. The kind of love where you’d drop everything for them.

I wish you the very best. It's the only thing I can do now anyway.

Lots of love,

Bae Joohyun

"Stop doodling in your notebook, Joohyun!"

I tear out the page from my notebook and crumble it up. As I walk towards my friend, I hastily throw it in the trash.

"What was that?" My friend asks.

"Oh nothing," I reply as I give her a smile, "Just some old notes. Did you hear about that new ramen place? I heard it's really good, so et's go!"

"Your treat then!" she replies.

"Of course."

We run out of the campus. The note being long gone in the trashcan, but I know that it'll be engraved in my heart forever.

********

A/N: So it's pride month! It made me think of my first love, so I actually wrote this at 3 am while thinking of her. I just tweaked a few minor details to make it go with Wendy's actual features lol. For example, it was initially 'From your red hair,' but I changed it to 'From your purple hair' because Wendy has purple hair (Not anymore actually but she looks SO SO SO hot with purple hair I couldn't help myself).

I hope you guys enjoyed this! Happy pride month everyone!

Stay gay, or straight, or whatever the crap your ual orientation is!