Hey Daehyun,

So I know I probably don’t have the right to well send you this but I wanted to get it out of my system. Hell I don’t know if I’ll ever even let you read this, maybe I’m just writing to myself.

Well let’s begin I guess.

We had the same class, and sometimes I’d see you sitting outside before 11:00 playing games. I was shy, and still am, so I didn’t say anything back then. At least not at first.

One day I did. “Is that Monster Hunter?”

And you looked up. “Yeah it is actually. Do you play…?” Your eyes were wide with surprise, a feeling that I understood; I felt the same.

“I do, yeah. I’m glad I finally found someone who does, haha.”

“Oh, awesome.” You closed the game and gave me your full attention for a while. “You’re...Youngjae, right?” I nodded. “Okay well nice to meet you. I’m--”

“--Daehyun-hyung, I know.” I smiled sheepishly. “You always give good answers in class.”

“Well so do you, and I know you but it’s just I’m bad at names.” You looked away as you scratched your head. “Hey...did you wanna play together sometime? I’m always here early so we could play while we wait for class to start.”

That sounded like fun. “Sure.” I shyly smiled.

And that was that. We quickly became friends, though I have to admit I was wary around someone like you. I had a history with your type and I didn’t want to get involved again. Too involved, at least.

One evening I got a message from you through the school system.

[Jung Daehyun]:

Hey Youngjae, I don’t wanna sound imposing or anything but...I was wondering if you wanted to go out to dinner with me sometime? Just to get to know you better.

Oh.

[Yoo Youngjae]:

Sorry Daehyun-hyung, but I don’t actually do those things with anyone anymore. Trust issues, you know? Sorry. It’s not your fault, really. It’s just I get nervous.

It was you though, actually. I’d been through this before and I was afraid to do it again. I liked you as a friend, but anything more I wasn’t ready for. At least not with you.

The next time I saw you was awkward to say the least, but you were as chill as possible and soon the discomfort I felt (and I’m sure you felt) went away as the semester went on. We did play together before class, and I realized that you were much better than I was, which I admit made me a little salty but also made me a little competitive, too. That’s a good sign, by the way; it means I cared enough to want to get better to be on par with your skills, Daehyun. Even for something petty like a video game.

But I digress. After that semester we kept talking quite often, almost everyday because I was bold enough to ask for your Kakao. So yeah, I initiated this friendship of ours, both with asking about your game and asking for your contact info. You were a good friend.

But I knew you liked me more than a friend. And that made me...uncomfortable. You would often buy me things and claim it was because you like doing these things for your friends, and that it made you feel good. With that perspective, how could I argue? How could I tell you to stop? It made me feel guilty though, like I needed to give you something back in return. Maybe you’re really just an altruistic nut that does like buying people things, or maybe you were trying to guilt me. I still don’t know.

Eventually you kind of confessed to my face.

“Hey Youngjae, I wouldn’t mind helping you get over your trust issues. I have trust issues too, actually; my history with relationships hasn’t been the best either.”

“Yeah, but...I don’t know, hyung.”

“I wouldn’t mind because I do think I like you, and I’d be willing to help you get through this as long as it takes, okay?”

“...I appreciate that.”

I left it at that because I’m too nice. I’m a yes-man. I don’t know how to confront people, so I left you with the ambiguity. I guess maybe that was the starting point for all this right now. Sorry.

I did have someone I liked at the time however. I would talk to him about you, trying to get a reaction out of him that felt like he was being protective of me. But all he responded with was:

“He sounds like a nice guy. He’s probably just trying to be your friend.”

“No I think he actually really likes me, but I don’t like him…” I liked Jaebum, not you, Daehyun.

“Well if he’s friendly why not give him a chance?” How could he say that when he knew I liked him, and that he like me too? Jaebum, you didn’t make any sense at the time.

But I’m not writing to Jaebum right now. He’s gone. He disappeared from my life. Not because he left, but because I pushed him away. He started getting...weird and angry about everything. He tried to force his opinions onto me and I didn’t appreciate it. So I left.

I don’t know if that was the right decision or not. I do miss him. But Daehyun, I miss you more right now.

Anyways, after Jaebum left I started to talk to you more and more. It helped distract me from the pain, especially because maybe I did have some super miniscule feelings for you hidden in the deepest depths of wherever feelings hang out in the body. Where do they hang out? The heart? Who knows. The point is you helped me heal, which made those puny feelings for you start to bloom. That was probably the beginning, I think.

But I still didn’t want a relationship.

“Youngjae, I really like you. Did you wanna give a relationship a go with me? I promise to not break your trust because I know what it feels like to have it broken. All too well.”

“Daehyun-hyung, I’m sorry but I don’t like you that way.” I did, maybe, but I at relationships. I didn’t wanna ruin you. I knew you had become my new boy-toy at that point, just like Jaebum had when my very first relationship exploded: I was alone, became friends with Jaebum, started talking to him everyday, projected feelings onto him, and bam there you have it. Then he left so I started talking to you everyday, and I guess my feelings grew from there. But I didn’t move forward because I knew I was repeating the same pattern and you were so innocent. I didn’t want to do that to you, too.

I don’t remember the actual transition between rejecting you and considering accepting you. Do you remember? Sorry, I have a ty memory. You know that. Give me some time to think, hold up.

Oh yeah. I gave some lame- excuse of “You don’t exactly fit my aesthetic tastes. I’m super into aesthetics, Daehyun-hyung. It I know and I’m stupid but, that’s me.”

“Oh...I see.”

I bet you couldn’t even understand why you didn’t fit my preferences. Maybe that wasn’t even the reason. It wasn’t, spoiler warning.

The reason was if I accepted you, it would’ve been too easy of a victory for me. You liked me so much all I had to do was say “okay” and you would’ve been mine instantly. Why didn’t I just say so, then?

Sigh. Okay who actually writes out ‘sigh’? Anyways it was because it didn’t feel like I worked hard enough for you. What good is a prize if it’s given to you freely? You gotta work for what you want, right? And you were basically throwing yourself at me (not ually) and I didn’t feel like there’d be anything to celebrate if I won you. That wouldn’t even be winning.

I make it sound like a game, don’t I? That’s funny; this friendship was established by gaming and here I am treating it like one. My bad.

I remember I almost caved when you invited me to that musical, which was really fun by the way. It was much colder outside after the play than when we first went into the building and I only had a light sweater so you gave me your jacket for a while. My first response was “damn that’s cliche” and my second was “also this is a very nice jacket and it smells nice.”

Forget that last bit. Though don’t forget I suppose because I’m not gonna delete it I’ll just keep it there. But that sparked something in me and I wanted to say something once I was sure you arrived home safely but I didn’t. Was it my pride? I think it was more the fact that I kept telling myself I was gonna regret it if I accepted your feelings. So I denied everything and went back to labeling you as just a friend.

I think I kept doing this to you without really realizing how it was affecting you. I know how it feels now, and that’s why I’m even going through all the effort of writing this because I’m feeling a little angsty and edgy and I need to get everything out. The only time I realized how much you hurt was when I got angry at you about it.

“We don’t even really have to be in a relationship, Jae. We could just be companions, you know? Like best friends but maybe with a little but of affection on the side.” You said this because I told you I was afraid of relationship status. “We don’t even have to have the ‘boyfriends’ title, we could just be there for each other. I’d be willing to do that if it means I get to stay with you.”

“Daehyun, I don’t like you like that. At all. If you were really my friend, and really liked me, you’d understand and leave me be.”

And that hurt you. The whole “if you really liked me you’d let me go” thing is bull. Who actually does that? It’s almost like humanly impossible. At least I’m not that strong.

You stopped talking to me for a couple of days. I did the same, but I forced myself. I kept checking my Kakao to see if I got any messages but there was nothing. I wasn’t about to break the ice first, I was too stubborn for that, but it really bummed me out. Daehyun-hyung, did you feel the same way?

At some point we met up at school. Being the player I am I plastered my happy-go-lucky mask on my dainty face and acted like nothing was wrong. I could definitely see that something was wrong, however. Your eyes have always been one of my favorite things about you. They relayed everything you were feeling, and...to be honest just thinking about it right now makes me wanna cry.

The things I’m remembering right now. You really loved me didn’t you?

That day your eyes were so sullen, dark and cold. You were trying to act normal but I could see you were hurting. And it hurt me like hell. I did this to you? I wanted to give in and accept your confession right then and there. But what if that was your strategy? Was that another way of you guilt tripping me into liking you? So I held my tongue, the one time I was actually able to hold it (remember all those, well, unsavory conversations we had through text where I blew things out of proportion?). Yeah.

You asked later that night, after a heavy conversation about how we both felt at school, if you could just continue liking me without expecting anything in return. I said no.

“There’s no point in it, hyung. You’ll only be hurting yourself more.”

“It’s okay; the thought of forgetting about you that way hurts more to me.”

“Well…” If you insisted, which you did, I let you be.

That cheered you up, and even though I knew my exact conditions weren’t being met it made me happy. Seeing a smile on your face made me happy again, even if it was kinda annoying how you kept pursuing me. Didn’t you have any dignity left? Find someone better for you.

Right now I should take my own advice, huh? Except from my experience thus far with people you are the best for me. Were.

In a sense, that conversation led us to the most intimate friendship we had had thus far. You became my best friend, officially, even though you were actually really my only friend. I loved you only as a friend. But I liked you romantically, I think. It did get to that stage, yes.

Suddenly some went down in my family and you comforted me. I don’t really wanna talk about what happened because it’s too long to put in this letter and it still hurts to think about. We are fine now, but it was rough. Anyways, you comforted me. It was the first time we were able to meet up after my fam incident and I put on that mask again like I always did when I was feeling down and didn’t want to burden you. But you saw through it.

You stood up from where you were seated across from me on the other side of the table, walked over and pulled me into a hug. It was a little awkward because I was still seated but I almost broke down then and there, in your embrace. It was an extremely conflicting feeling. I was depressed that day and my brain was yelling that the things I was feeling for you was only because I was vulnerable in that moment, but the things I felt were so real and right and I wanted to stay in your arms with my cheek against your chest and your warm breath against my hair for a really long time. But we were in public and I’m not a fan of PDA so I let you end it, because you knew the PDA made me uncomfortable too. You were always really considerate, weren’t you.

That was after your birthday, June 28th being the day I actually almost confessed to you but didn’t because what if my feelings weren’t really sincere? I couldn’t put you through a fake relationship after everything you’ve done for me. You bought me things, you talked to me everyday and I mean EVERYday, and you were a precious friend to me. I couldn’t ruin that with a crappy half-assed relationship. That hug made me kind of wish I had confessed, though. I wanted more of those, a lot more. More with the context of us being boyfriends. I wanted the title then, I guess, but was still afraid. Was I still playing you? Was it still a game to me, hyung?

It was a game still. But there was authenticity to it as well. The fact that I didn’t wanna hurt you with a fake relationship was proof.

Giant time skip but you got me some nice things for Christmas and also wrote a very nice note. Hold on let me get it out, I wanna reference it here.

Oh right you bought me a lamp because you knew I was afraid of the dark. I still am, by the way.

Okay here’s that line I wanted:

“I just wanted to say that you are a great friend to me and I enjoy every second that I get to be around you, so thank you for being there for me when I needed it.”

Oh the irony. Daehyun-hyung, it’s the opposite. Yes I know there was more to that letter but that’s the line that sticks with me the most.

I wish you could just accept how awful I am, Daehyun.

During winter break I did accept your confession. I said:

“I think I might be getting over the aesthetics thing.”

“...oh?”

“Yeah. Personality is more important to me and you’ve always been there for me so...I think I wanna give this a go.”

“...I see.”

“This doesn’t mean we’ll be boyfriends or anything right away it just means I’m willing to work towards that now.”

“Okay.”

“...you alright?”

“Yeah...I’m just smitten, I think. I’m not used to this, sorry.”

My heart swelled at that. ‘Smitten’ was a nice word.

We got really close to what I called ‘Rank 10’ didn’t we? Remember that stupid system I made up to mirror one of your games. Anyways I think I got you to 9.9 actually.

There were moments where you actually made me blush and stuff, much to my dismay. I started to not be able to look you straight in the eyes anymore, and eating around you became wayyyy more awkward than I expected. Maybe that’s random but it’s true. I started to be much more aware of how I looked around you, and how I acted. We still had some arguments but the fact that I openly liked you made it easier for me to allow myself to be calmed down by you whenever I did get incendiary. It was really nice.

I even told you I loved you, after you did it first. Of course you did it first.

I got to kiss you too. You’d think with that mouth of yours you’d be an expert, but you were actually pretty terrible. We only got to do it twice (both within the same 5 minutes actually) and you missed both times. Well, the second was better than the first. But I ruined it by accidentally using tongue even though we both agreed not to go there until we were Rank 10 or above, until we were actually officially boyfriends. That’s my bad.

You allowed yourself to become more physical too. And not ually, which I appreciated because I wasn’t ready for that yet, but you did small things like pet my hair. After our first kiss I buried my face in your chest because I didn’t want you to see me blushing up a storm.

“...you okay?” Your husky voice sent tingles down my back. I nodded and could only answer with a pathetic squeak. Stupid me. Also there was someone parked outside my place and that made it more awkward like what the hell nobody ever parks there. Ever. At night. And that made it PDA because their stupid decided to sit there out of all the curbs in my neighborhood. Yes I’m still salty.

Anyways back to my blushing problem. It was night so you probably wouldn’t have been able to anyways, but still. As I tucked my head close to you I felt your fingers brush lazily over my brunette strands, a feeling that made me melt. I really liked that, Daehyun. I wish I could feel that now.

Do you do that to her now instead?

I hit a point where I started feeling nothing for you. Blame it on stress, I don’t know, but there were periods of time where all I felt was annoyance towards you. I wanted nothing but to play with your emotions and make you hate me. I’m not sure what this stemmed from, hyung, I just know that I’m sorry.

If I’d kept feeling what I did, maybe you could’ve made it past 9.9 and we could’ve became boyfriends. Maybe we could have later on down the line hit Rank 11, marriage, and soon after Rank 12, which was ual stuff. This whole ranking system was stupid and I’m sorry it just sounds so dumb now that I’m writing it out.

Back to the point, I was one of those rare (sure call me weird) people who didn’t want anything ual until after marriage. That actually was a trust thing, no lie this time. And you accepted me for that, also rare. I should’ve valued you more.

Now she can value your morals instead.

Eventually I called everything off. You broke and called me names that broke me. You were a monster with how you acted, or was I? Maybe we both were. The point is, you felt betrayed. And I felt violated.

It was scary seeing you mad, even through text.

“You’re exactly the ing same as the rest of them. You take me halfway and abandon me.”

“ no I’m still here aren’t I?” I was still your friend even with everything happening. “If I really didn’t give a about you I would’ve really left and never come back. But I’m still here.”

“So?”

“Or better yet, I would’ve abused your kindness. I would’ve faked it, kept letting you buy me stuff, play that sugar daddy/baby dynamic. But I didn’t, and I won’t.”

You admitted that that was true. That argument came to a close, but unlike our arguments before, nothing felt resolved when it was over.

I saw you at school again three days after that. Remember before when I mentioned that incident where we met up and your eyes looked cold and sad? At least that day you still wore a small smile, though it was fake. This time around your expression was hollow. It scared me, Daehyun-hyung. You would always wear a smile around me and your eyes were so warm when you looked at me. I used to think of that gaze negatively. It even disgusted me sometimes.

Now I miss it. Do you look at her that way, now?

You looked so broken that I couldn’t keep my composure. My mask fell and I think I wore the same expression as you. You tell me; I couldn’t see myself. It hurt so much it was hard to breathe. Legit I’m serious. I told you that at the time though so you already know.

I realized that sure I was unhappy before with you liking me even though it was still pretty much one-sided, but I was much more unhappy then, with you in that broken state. I let you compromise.

Again, you offered to continue liking me without the reciprocated feelings from me. You said “I’m willing to wait. You’re that important for me.”

That was three months ago. Two weeks ago I told you that I didn’t think anything was going to change. I said I liked my freedom, that I liked being able to “explore my options” and that I didn’t want to be tied down.

You didn’t understand relationships. You thought if you enter one, it becomes permanent. The end. Dead end, game over. I decided I couldn’t do that to you again: I couldn’t pretend to be devoted to you when I know how I am. I’m fickle. I’m indecisive. I act in the moment and don’t think of the consequences. You know what that means, right? I means that a relationship with me could potentially be a time bomb, except you don’t know if it is or not. You’d be always guessing.

It’s complicated.

Two weeks ago I called it off for good. You sadly obliged, after I played victim and started saying that I was doing this for your own good and that “Why would you just accept what I’m trying to do for you, Daehyun? I’m doing this as your friend. I care for you, that’s why I’m doing it. It hurts like hell but I’m willing to do this for you.”

Oh that sounds familiar. That ‘willingness’.

It was Tuesday during lunch that you told me you found a girl. I knew you were into girls already; some of your past relationships had been girls. That wasn’t the shock. The shock was that you found someone, and so quickly after I had finally called everything off for good.

I suppose I had leveled up my mask-wearing skills, or I was feeding off of the positive vibes we’d been having after I finally declared us as only friends, because I was happy for you.

To continue that point, I realized that I was starting to finally have consistent positive feelings for you when I thought of you as only a friend. I was able to be more myself around you. The friend aspect of our dynamic was getting better.

And then you announced that you met someone. I asked how. You said she had tripped and grabbed onto you during your field trip this past weekend and you two started talking. Then you offered to take her out and she responded

“I tHoUGht yoU’d nEVeR AsK”

and I smiled at you. “Aw, so I can ship it now, yeah?” and you smiled back sheepishly.

I was a very good actor that day. Or maybe I was actually happy for you.

I’m not right now. I hate her. Make her go away.

I want you back.

But this is my fault.

But I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I love you more when I love you as a friend.

But now, with our history and the fact that you’re in a relationship, we can’t be friends like we used to be.

There’s boundaries now.

With our history, I have to be careful what I say. I don’t wanna upset her, right? That would upset you, right? Would you hate me?

I want my friend back.

Come back.

Please.

Please.

Maybe I do actually want a relationship now?

But, too little too late.

Thanks for listening this whole time, Daehyun. That is if I ever gather enough courage to send this to you. I hope I do, even though I’m terrified. Is this stepping over boundaries?

-Jae