After a year of being -no; vacuumed deep into kpop thoughts and doubts started eating my mind. At first I will summarize my kpop life up until now so you can understand my situation better. I got to know kpop via my schoolmate who showed my bts bs&t and fire MVs. And I really liked them a lot. I've been in a stage of my life when It's been really hard for me. Me and my other 4 members of family moved to my grandma's apartment that was really small. So basically it was 6 persons on 70 sqare meters. Me (15), my brother (17) and my sister (9) were living in around 7 sqare meters room in which there were three beds, wardrobes and nowhere to lay your feet on. I didn't have any privacy and I felt wall pressuring on me everywhere. So kpop came like a saving straw. And I grabbed it with the tip of my fingers and then tightened a grip. I didn't know back then, but I was depressed. My future seemed blank and just watching kdramas and kpop and listening to for example Spring day, lead me to another beautiful world where everything is perfect and everyone was so caring and conscious of one another. I would wander by the river or the railway tracks on freezing nights, listening to kpop. And it wasn't rare that I would break down. To put it simple I was living in this melanchonic blubble and even now sometimes if I listen to a song that made me break down at that time, I can-even if just for a second-still feel the feeling or better the aura of that depressed period. Honestly, I wanted to go back to that time many times. I don't know why I would want to, but I guess in that time everything was so perfect in kpop world and it was my own little space. But now everything has changed. I got an impression of how big this fandom is. And we've moved to the house. It kind of like with moving into my own room and new environment would break that bubble and fragile magic of kpop. I still love it though. But everything feel so pressured and I feel like it will soon become famous like Justin Bieber. I wouldn't mind if everything about it would be more natural. Before, I found aegyo cute and charming but now it feels unnatural and forced. Even in kdramas. Recently I started watching Strong woman Do Bong Soon and at first I was really hyped and excited about what a cutie Park Hyung Shik is. But after I gave it some thought, I realised that it's not what I want in my life. I don't know if I have matured or what. I'm really interested in Korean and Japanese history and their traditional side and sometimes find it sick by the fact that a lot of people come to these countries just because of their industrial development and technology. I have developed a more critical view of the world and find it a lot more annoying that people are hanging on their phones all the time, the lack of human interraction and sympathy and the value of money. But I will leave this aside for now. So what I'm trying to say is that I've looke on those two countries from more widened perspective and with a critical eye. I laugh at the fact that in the past I saw kpop idols actually as embodied gods. Everything about them was perfect. But as for now I'm sometimes scared of my eyes seeing too much negative sides of every idol's movement. So I'm still developing a healthy bite of both sides. I've written so much that I've lost a track of my storytelling. Besides kpop I enjoy independent korean artists and indie or rock artists that I find HIGHLY underrated by the weight of all the bash around kpop. I'm telling you that the road through all these realisations I've achieved is spiky and not pleasant. Even after it I feel like a betrayor. Yet I don't think it's wrong. I find the healthy and more distant approach better than fanatically following every flick of a kpop idol's finger and spending waaay too much time on electronic devices instead of developing my talents. Yes the point of my life and my future goal has become more blurry haha but I have my whole life to discover that. It's not my intention to force myself out of this world because I believe that right things will reveal to me over the time. I'm reading a lot of Korean and Japanese (and Chinese) literature, and getting to know their palace lives in the past which is really interesting. To remind you-there is soo many great aspects of these countries besides their birocratic music and kdrama industry. Try to explore some more and enrich your knowlege about these beautifull and stunning countries. Love everyone and don't spread hate among fandoms. Don't forger that kpop idols are just mere human beings who make mistakes, feel anger, love and are and it's not a big deal. They ARE NOT perfect. If anyone can end this brutal entertainment world, it's us. We shouldn't expect too much from our idols. Yeah, on reality shows they present themselves in bright aspects and their music videos can be positive and their life sometimes seems so amazing that we forget the negative and sweaty side and start packing to move to Korea to marry them. One bit of advice. Use your head and look with critical eyes and develop your own opinions about stuff you like and stuff you find wrong or anything. Wush. That was a lot. But I feel better now. Please don't find this offensive and do whatever you find right, I'm not saying that my opinions are all the best. Thank you for reading this and SPREAD LOVE YOU ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE!!!