She tried all the possibilities to think positively and doing everything right. In fact, she already gave all the best out of her just to make her fit right in. But theres always a glimpse of insecurity slapped her hard just every second she found herself in warmth and comfort. 

      Her life couldn't be any worse. She wanted to smoke, but she couldn't even bear a cloud of steam from the boiling water. She wanted to get drunk, but she couldn't even smell the stinky alcohol coming out from someone's breath. She wanted to take drug, but she don't want overdose to be her cause of death. She wanted to punch the mirror, but she couldn't even bear a second pain of pinch. She wanted to scream out, but she bet nobody would listen, no one would care.

      From the outside, she showed that she was the brightest human the entire world can't deny. Sweet, funny, easygoing. Say all the good things people has been calling her. Friendly, it was her nature. But some of them accused her for neglecting her own members. 

      Yes, she knows every bitter words they talked about her at the back. But she tend to let it passes by, never once she tried to defend herself. Holding it in probably better than anything, she thought. But the truth that inside, the scars slowly bleed and immediately turned to pain that she felt theres no more air for her to breathe in.

      And everytime she looked in the mirror, all she ever think was 'Damn, my life is over.'

****************

      For the past few years, Namjoo has been meeting psychiatrist without her members knowings. She didn't mean to keep it as secret. She just couldn't express herself well when the problem itself was involving themselves. It all started after Yookyung's departure from Apink. She was heartbroken when she found out about the matter. After the official news released, she accidentally go through the comment section and a comment captured her attention which wrote "Namjoo must be the next. She has no talent." For a person who just debuted for two years, it really broke her apart. She was hoping to get support and love, not the otherwise. Ever since then, she was feeling insecure but she never showed it to anyone. She would be smiling on the stage, but everytime she was alone, she would constantly thought about it.

      It gotten worse after few months later she had to cover the main vocalist's part, Eunji because she was feeling unwell. She already knew it was a hard task for her but she did her best. Unfortunately the audience's response has proven that she really did bad. The comments after the incident confirmed it. Some of the fans complained why she took Eunji's part, some accused her trying to gain popularity by doing Eunji's part, some even said she sounded worse that she should just sit down and do nothing. She was feeling torn at that moment and started to refuse to accept highnote parts whenever they discussed about lyrics distribution for new songs. The members already acknowledged her ability and forced her to agree but she was solid with her decision.

      The production team started giving her less parts. Less screentime. No need to mention the commercial projects they took part, she been knew she barely caught more than five seconds of her appearence onscreen. Thats why she never bother to check the released commercial ads. Obviously they didn't intend to involve her at all but they had to since it was Apink and its not Apink if they exclude one member in the content. She was supposed to be happy since thats what the fans wanted. But somehow she felt sad. She was treated unfairly but she just stay silent. Its what she really deserves, right?

      Namjoo was known as a cheerful and healthy kid since the training days, but the hateful comments and cold treatment she received from outside her agency have killed her from inside. She tried not to read any of those hurtful words but she just couldn't restrain herself from doing it. She tried to just accept the unfair treatment but she wanted to feel appreciated for her hard works too. She was giving away her full commitment but why do these people close their eyes and pretend she never exists? 

      Being with her member is the only way she could forget her sadness. Whenever she was with them, she would able to be herself, smiles, laughs, jokes around. But everytime she stood up in front of the cameras and audiences, she loses all her confidence. She couldn't stop thinking that she was being watched, she was being judged. She was afraid that she was going to make mistake. She knew she needed to talk to someone about her panics and constant worries therefore, silently seek for help. She met the psychiatrist and shared all her problems and she was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. The doctor motivated her and gave her reassurance that she was going to be fine. He prescribed her with medications that could help her endure the anxiety. 

      The only good part of getting help from the psychiatrist was the medications. She still couldn't stop people from judging her. The most hardest pain to endure was when she was accused to gain popularity by getting close to the most shining members. She admitted she was lacking in all aspects; singing was just her passion and not talent, the least pretty when compared with the other members, being called stupid for doing jokes although the members laughs and she. She was underrated and she thought she deserved it. She ignored almost all nasty words people had been calling her but being accused as attention seeker for being clingy with her own member was the only thing that made her crashed and burnt. 

      Honestly the members was like her own family, she gained strength whenever she was with them, she got attached to them as they were always together nights and days and she felt comfortable clinging onto them no matter when the cameras on or off. Most importantly, she won't be reminded of all the s that sometimes caused her to lose her own sanity. Can't people just see the way it was? 

      No. People only wanted to see everything the way they want. Once again, she act by her own and tried to distance herself from any of the members. Of course, without anyone noticed. She tried to befriend with someone less-received just like her. She started to get close with the staffs and minor artists outside the agency, just so that she could spend her time with them and rather than with her own members.

      The members knows her friendly nature, they let her do thing she wanted to do but they didn't know the fact that she had to. The family bond stayed strong although the only thing changed was their amount of time spent together. Just when she thought she could breathe normally, she was forever chained to the netizen's prejudices when they said she was being fake, big headed maknae for ignoring her own members. Just what the hell is wrong with this world that she had to swallow every knives that people have shoved into ? 

      It was so pathetic to be her. It was to be her. She thought she was doing fine. In the end, they kept killing her more and more inside.

****************

      Today's just another bad day for her. Waking up only to find herself alone in the dorm she shared with Chorong and Bomi as she checked both of ther rooms empty. She walked back into her room and grab her phone beside her pillow to check the group chat.

Naeun: Morning guys. I have photoshoot today. Gosh its tiring.

Eunji: Naeun ah don't overwork yourself. Rest if you're tired. Don't forget to eat. You can do it!

Hayoung: Naeun unnie, fighting! I'd be rooting for you.

Bomi: Our Nangni is the best! Ahh by the way I'm with Chorong unnie right now, on our way to eat at her friend's restaurant in Gangnam. 

Hayoung: How dare you leave meㅠㅠ

Bomi: I thought you were sleeping.

Naeun: Thanks everyone. I gotta go now.

Eunji: Yah Bomi! By the way is Namjoo having class today?

Hayoung: I'm not sure.

Bomi: Maybe.

Eunji: Namjoo, come in come in.

Eunji: Namjoo? Where are you?

Eunji: .......

      She sighs. She was left alone. She typed inside the blank column.

Namjoo: Eunji unnie, sorry I just woke up. I'm home, no class for today.
        Naeun unnie, cheer up! fighting!
        Hayoung ah, you must be sleeping by now right? I knew it.
        Chorong unnie, Bomi unnie, have fun.

      She felt her heart throbbing. She shoved her phone back on the bed and made her way to the bathroom. Too used to the silence surround her. She let the face cleanser foam on her face while brushing her teeth, slow. Somehow she felt disappointed because Bomi and Chorong didn't wake her.

      Bomi didn't even asked her whether she got classes today. She don't really mind if she didn't get to join them but, they could at least told h