It is exhausting.

 

Simply exhausting. I've been in love with Rosé for a while now. I'm not talking about weeks or months. No. I'm talking about years. Years that I've spent drawing doodles of the two of us into several of note pads until they were filled. Scribbles. Hearts. Our nicknames together.

 

Rosé and I have been best friends since we were little, you see, the type of friends who's mother's were friends, so they become friends, too. Our weekends were spent together, our holidays were spent together, our everything was spent together. And then we went on to high school and the first summer vacation Rosé's grandmother had a bad illness, so the entire family packed up their bags and went to the countryside to take care of her.

 

And then Rosé came back and her legs were just a little longer, her body just a little bit slimmer, but I know that something about her, something inside of her had changed and then when we went back to school...

 

It turned out that everyone else noticed as well. And Rosé, with her new tiny waist and pink lips, became the school's new it girl and I became the girl she used to be friends with.

 

And today, I'm going to stop. I'm going to stop with all this useless yearning. How, you might ask. How can you just get rid of your feelings for this girl?

 

Simple. I'm going to kiss a boy.

 

*

 

“Sehun,” I call out from the door of his classroom. A few heads turn and I hear one of his friends whistling through his lips. Sehun looks at me and swiftly stands up, murmuring a half-hearted apology to his friends.

 

I cross my arms impatiently as I wait for him, raising my chin as I motion for him to go faster. He walks up to me and affectionately tickles my neck. I roll my eyes and sigh, shaking my head.

 

“Let's go outside,” I then say and we fall into step until we reach the school garden. It's still warm outside, late summer, so we're able to sit down on one of the wooden benches that stands close to the small pond.

 

Feeling Sehun's eyes on me, I put my hands into my lap. Suddenly, I feel nervous. The kind of nervousness that creeps up your legs, then your spine and your throat and finally nests in your head and makes you feel all anxious and weird. I'm almost scared. Somehow, I had imagined this to be easier. Faster and certainly less emotional. I look at one of the trees in front of us with my lips sealed tightly shut as my fingers play with one another.

 

One of the things I really appreciate about Sehun is that he knows when to be quiet. He doesn't pressure me to talk, nor does he say anything obnoxious just in order to just say something. We can just sit together in a comfortable silence, without any noise and we're both content.

 

“I...” I swallow slightly to get rid of the lump in my throat. “I need you to kiss me.”

 

*

 

You see, when I told Sehun to kiss me, I knew that he was going to do it. Like me, Sehun had been without a girlfriend for his entire life. I knew that for a fact. And, I also knew hat Sehun had a weak spot for me. A terribly weak spot.

 

I should have felt bad back then, bad for exploiting Sehun who was ready to do anything I asked of him, without questioning it. But I didn't feel bad. I didn't feel bad at all. Because back then, in that last year of high school, when I was still young and dense, I didn't know that the reason for all of Sehun's affection and dedication to me, had been simply and all along, the single fact that he liked me.

 

*

 

Sehun and I kissed. My lips still tingle when I think about it. It wasn't romantic at all. His hand reached for my cheek. It was warm and big and then he looked into my eyes and I saw the uncertainty in them. But I still nodded.

 

“Do it,” I mouthed and he leaned in. I angled my head and my lids fluttered close. Then I felt his mouth on mine.

 

*

 

“Are you dating now?” Lisa asks with incredulousness painted on her pretty features.

 

I shrug. I can only pretened to be nonchalant. I always thought that was my way of dealing with things, dissecting my personal life as if it were a strange medical examination. It certainly made detaching myself from it completely much easier.

 

“Jisoo!” she presses, clicking her tongue. “Tell me at least what is going on. You and Sehun apparently just kissed in the school yard and I have no idea why because I thought you were a les-”

 

Swiftly, I cover with my hands, checking if anyone heard her. The hallway is empty apart from a teacher walking past in the distance. “Don't use that word,” I say., my voice stern.I feel her sighing into my hand.

 

“I am not like that,” I repeat. “I don't...,” I whisper. “I don't like girls.”

 

She removes my hand from my mouth and I try to wipe the remains of her lipgloss on them away with unconcealed but overexaggerated disgust.

 

“So, yes... we did kiss,” I say, not proudly. “But he only did it because I asked him to.”

 

Lisa looks at me like I have gone full on loon. Then, she raises her eyebrows and takes a deep breath. “Jisoo,” she asks, biting her lip slightly and with disappointment marking her face. “Is this about Rosé?”

 

A/N: A story about Rosé but you don't even get to see her! I might write part two.