It was D-Day tomorrow. Ilhoon dragged the slide-out bed under Sungjae’s bed silently, hoping not to wake the light-sleeper up. He straightened the bed sheet and lying down, he stared at the beautiful ceiling dusted with glow-in-the-dark stars strongly glued on. Yook Sungjae, how lame can you get? He smiled a little at the thought of the young one he secretly loved. It was a pathetic one-way love he didn’t mind. Enough about Yook Sungjae you fool. He agreed with the matured inner-Ilhoon who persuaded him to think about himself tonight. He decided to think about himself tonight. Not anyone or anything else, but himself. His mind had been preoccupied with Sungjae for the past 1003 days. Before it was too late, he wanted to love himself a little. He was unprepared; unprepared to leave this memory-filled room, unprepared to say goodbye.

The contract was ending, and he breached the terms right from the very beginning. Sungjae strictly specified that the condition for his 1004-day stay was: “No personal feelings allowed.” Ilhoon wished the younger one felt the same as he did. All he ever wished for was to hear the 3 words he had never heard. He hopelessly hoped that they could break that rule together. But he was the only one who did. He wondered why he voluntarily dragged himself into a lonely life, when he could have just accepted the countless proposals that others made. He lived his entire childhood in an orphanage and yet, he decided to carry on with this lonely life after graduating from the orphanage and finding a job. Jung Ilhoon you fool, why Sungjae? Still, he had no regrets.

/tick tick tick tick tick/ Once again, for the 1003th time, he drifted off to sleep listening to the same old lullaby.

At 10.04p.m., the alarm rang, breaking the heartening tick sounds Ilhoon loved. Sungjae and his secret lover woke up. They continued looking up at the glittery ceiling.

1 hour and 54 minutes left.

Sungjae adjusted his blanket and cleared his throat. “Ya Jung Ilhoon.” Ilhoon listened. “You know you are my best friend right?” Ilhoon nodded as if the younger one could see. His heart fluttered a little. As if those words could slow time down, the tick sounds slowed down together. They continued talking, about the memories they made over the past 1003 days, about everything. The ticks sounds slowed down even more.

/tick tick tick tick/ “Jung Ilhoon.” Sungjae’s firmer voice signaled Ilhoon to shut up so he could say something.

“Don’t ever be a loser and cry after you leave. Find a better job, a better room to rent, a person who you can rely on. Stop living your life liking someone who will never love you.” Ilhoon coughed a bit. I guess I got caught. “Stay healthy and eat well. Don’t you dare walk into this room again, or even come close.” /tick tick tick/ “Don’t ever feel sorry, or blame anyone for making this choice. I made this choice. I chose this number.” “Not this life. Just not this one. Maybe in our next life, I’ll accept you. Maybe if I make good deals there, we’ll form our dream group. I’ll be the centre.” Ilhoon smiled. Despite Sungjae’s cold self, he had always mentioned a dream group; some idol-group with 7 members just because his second favourite number after 1004 was 7, and 1004 members made no sense. He was even bored enough to think of the details. He wanted to be the maknae so 6Sungjae would have 6 hyungs. He said he’ll be the tallest because he hated how short he was. He even went far enough to name the group; BtoB, which meant Born to Beat. His love for music. I wish he can give me that love instead. “Jung Ilhoon, maybe in my next life, I’ll even call you hyung. But not this one.” Ilhoon pouted. Sungjae refused to call him hyung since day 1, insisting that the word ‘hyung’ carried too much emotions. /tick tick/ 

Sungjae paused. “Thank you.” “Thank you for accompanying me. Thank you for respecting my decision to end with no pain. You know, you shouldn't ever feel that I could have, or should have, stayed longer. You shouldn’t ever think this was a sad choice. Think about it. This is something every human is afraid of, something everyone, whether rich or poor, young or old, short or tall, fears. Why? Because you never know when this day will come. They are scared to leave unfinished tasks behind, to leave those they love and those who love them shocked and lost, to miss out on the chance to apologise to those they have wronged, and to thank those they are grateful for. But none of these apply to me. That’s how lucky I am. Don’t you agree?”

“Jung Ilhoon, it’s almost time. Day 1004. Thank you for the one thousand and 3, almost 4 days. We’ll leave together today. You’ll leave this medicine-smelling room, and I’ll go my own way, to meet my favourite, angels/1004s. I told you I’m not going to leave this world with regrets right?” Ilhoon nodded as if the younger one could see, again. 

“Jung Ilhoon.” Sungjae’s tone demanded a response this time. “Hmm?” 

/tick/ 

“I love you too.”

A long beep followed and Ilhoon’s lullaby ended. A flat line formed on the monitor attached to the boy smiling with his eyes closed on the higher bed. A tear rolled down Ilhoon’s cheek. “Goodnight Yook Sungjae. Goodbye.”