It seemed like the sky, the birds, the clouds, even the sun were also mourning that day.

It was as gloomy as the day felt, and it was stretching on and on, like a spiral that went on endlessly, tightening around the four of them.

Four.

The word daunted him.

Today was the day he discovered his unlucky number.

It was suffocating.

Like being trapped in your worst nightmare, but this time you can’t jerk yourself awake, no matter how much you yell, sob or call for comfort.

The knot kept tightening.

Four.

He watched as Minho fumbled with the keys, trying to open the door to their place. His hands were trembling slightly, probably due to the cold. Or a reason much colder than the weather. He wrapped his arms around himself as he waited, red circles around his eyes and vision blurry.

About two minutes and a string of curses from Minho later, they were finally on the other side of the door. Just standing there motionlessly, unable to decide what to do next, as if nothing made sense anymore. Of course nothing did, it was like living the day backwards, from night to day. Like watching the clock turn the other way around. Everything felt wrong, like someone trying to fit two pieces of puzzle together but they can never match because the third piece that connects them together was lost, and now the whole picture is ruined.

After an agonizing period of time has passed with them lost in sadness that encircled them, Taemin felt his hand being taken into a bigger one. He felt it instead of saw it because his tears were an endless river, and they rendered him from seeing properly.

They walked to the living room, Minho the heater and grabbed two blankets, passing one to Taemin. They huddled on the floor, in desperate need to warm up, even though both of them knew it was not going to happen. Nothing can warm you up when your insides are colder than ice. When the wind has been knocked out of you. Nonetheless, they sat close on the floor, leaning onto each other even though it was uncomfortable since they were both still wearing their black suits, but who cares.

They didn’t know how long have passed with them sitting like this, but after a while Taemin felt Minho’s whole body shaking and he looked up to see his tears staining his reddened face, but strangely enough he was laughing. Taemin waited in silence.

“God,” Minho inhaled, only it came out as a sob, “what if he saw us like this.”

Taemin was blank for a second before he joined him. Laughing despite the fact that he was being torn apart on the inside.

“We look so ing miserable, it’d drive him insane.” he said.

“He’d declare war on us. Attack us with kisses, smother us with never-ending hugs, he’d probably send Roo on us too!” Minho choked on a laugh and tried to breathe, “speaking of which, remember when you were upset about something a fan said to you and he literally camped in our living room for three days until you came out of the slump?”

This hurt.

“And he went on our group chat, ‘Key we seem to have a situation out here requiring some chocolate, a warm bath, and you for a counselling session’” Taemin imitated, sobbing and giggling all at once. He felt out of control.

Silence settled over them for a few minutes again, both of them recalling their favorite memories of Jonghyun wordlessly.

“Remember when he roasted you and key on twitter? God, I laughed for days.” Taemin said quietly with a sour smile.

“Or how extra he was whenever you released something? Like freaking football mom.” Minho added.

“He’s not a football mom, he’s the fanclub president.”

They both laughed softly.

“I remember how I used to tune in on his radio show whenever I was out late on my way from a schedule. His voice was like coming home.”

“I know,” Minho nodded, “he was the warmest person to ever walk on earth. Too bad he couldn’t see what he brought into this world. He affected so many people. Helped so many.”

Their words tasted bitter. Like poison seeping into their veins, circling through their bodies, feeding every single cell that made them up. Taemin didn’t understand how people got over grief and the sorrow and pain that came with it, because now that he thought about it felt like an impossible mission to accomplish. How do you stop thinking about someone you spent more than half your life with? A person you shared your proudest moments with. Someone who’s been your biggest source of comfort for the past decade of your life. It made no sense that there is such a thing as forgetting.

Taemin leaned back on Minho, not being able to hold himself together anymore. He let himself cry for all that Jonghyun meant to him. He couldn’t make himself smile anymore, and the only memory that was in his mind at this very moment was the headlines that occupied every single new’s website.

“Such a shame, I had a new short joke to tell him tomorrow.” Minho tried to go on but his voice failed him and he cracked, cracked and kept on cracking. Seemingly nonstop.

They shifted so they could hold each other, a tangled mess on the floor and they both wept, letting out all the bottled up emotions, the held back tears that set fire to their insides.

Jonghyun was gone. They’ve repeated those words over and over again in their minds, trying to make them click, to make them sound rational. Real. But they never did. It was hard to accept the fact that they might have to go on as four now. Its seemed impossible that their songs would be sung by four instead of five, because they weren’t meant to be. It didn’t make sense how earth kept on spinning, or how the sun dared to come up this morning. Because Jonghyun was a person that deserved to have time stop for him, to have flowers blossom by his mere presence. He was a person with the warmest, biggest heart that could engulf any trace of darkness. He was an example of pure love, a person who brought on joy and delight to whoever encountered him, by his silly jokes and sarcastic remarks.

It seemed beyond futile to imagine a world where Jonghyun didn’t exist in their lives, yet in those unfathomable moments it was a source of comfort knowing how well he did. How kind he was. How much he gave and loved and cared. Because in every act of love, in every warm smile, in every laugh and in every kiss, there would be a piece of him.

those are hard times and all we have is each other to lean on. stay strong guys. and here's a quote from my favorite book that sounds aproppiate for this time.

“And so I try to be kind to everything I see, and in everything I see, I see him.” 
― Hanya Yanagihara, A Little Life.

be kind. for him.