"I am getting married....." My hands which are placing food containers into his fridge pause for a millisecond. But I pretend to keep myself busy by moving and stacking the containers in the fridge unnecessarily again and again. "My mom is forcing me......" his weak voice comes out again. I pretend like I don't hear him and take out all the food containers I just put in the fridge. "Cabbage kimchi?" I see a box of full kimchi. I guess those are from his camp where he made kimchi together with his mom. He even left a few in front of my door. With lots of sesame seeds. But why the container is still full? Why doesn't he eat? I place the container on the floor. I pull out another container of kimchi; green onions kimchi. The one I made for him because he said he likes it. And I think he doesn't lie because the kimchi are almost gone, only a few left. I think he really likes green onions kimchin more than cabbage kimchi. I should make more for him tomorrow. I keep myself busy while pretending to deaf to his words. 

"Eric ah...." he calls me weakly as I don't reply him anything. "Your green onion kimchi is almost gone. I will make some tomorrow and give you." I still don't turn face to him and place all the boxes back into the fridge again.

"Eric ah...." he speaks again. 

"Do you want anything more? Dongchimi??" I close the refrigerator door, "I will make some while I am making kimchi." I stand up and walk towards glasses. 

"Dongchimi sounds good...." he replies, "but I want you to come and sit now" 

I walk towards the coffee maker , completely ignoring his request. "Coffee??" I ask him, holding two glasses. He opens his mouth to talk something, but closes his mouth back and just nods lightly. I pour coffee into two cups, place one in front of him, and one in my hand. I walk to the other side of table and sit in front of him. "Thanks.." he murmurs softly and grabs the coffee cup but doesn't drink. The empty soup bowl is in front of him. He just finishes his hangover soup I prepared for him this morning. When I came into his apartment this morning, he was still asleep from drunk last night. I didn't want to wake him up , so I quietly prepared hangover soup for him in his kitchen. But as a light sleeper, he soon wakes up on hearing sounds from my cooking. His eyes were all swollen and his face was bloated from alcohol he had last night. He was surprised to see me in his kitchen, well, he should be too. Because when was the last time that I came to his apartment? After my wedding? No....I think the last time was...when I announced my wedding. Yeah, that day. That day, he phoned me and asked me to come to his apartment to congratulate me. I thought other members would be there too, but to my surprise, there was only him and me. That night was awfully quiet and awkward. We drank and drank,well, we talked a little too, but as far as I could remember, we both avoided the topic about my wedding announcement. He called me to congratulate me but that night, he didn't mention a single word about my marriage. And I didn't mind, in fact, I was thankful for that too. I too wanted to avoid that topic, at least, when I was with him. I thought he would pass out after one and half soju bottles, but strangely, he didn't. We kept drinking and drinking without a single word, but strangely we were still sober even after a plenty of empty soju bottles pilled up, maybe because we both were so afraid that , if we became drunk , we might say all our hidden feelings, so we both tried ourselves to control ourselves not to be drunk. Finally , I decided to excuse myself from his apartment before we became complete drunk , "...Eric ah, be happy..."he said while I was standing at the door, "...at least, one of us should be happy." those were his words before I left. I didn't turn back to look at him, because I knew myself. If I did, if I turned my back and looked at him, if I saw his hazy face, I would not be able to control myself and run towards him....and ruined everything. So I didn't. After that night, I didn't go to his apartment even after my wedding, since this morning.

"Do you regret being Eric, Jung Hyuk ah?" I was startled to see at his message.I checked the time on my phone and it was showing 1:30 AM. Is he drunk? That thought came into my mind and first thing, I did was , dialed his phone. I quietly left the bed because I didn't want to wake Hyemi who was sleeping beside me. So I left for the veranda to talk."Hyesung ah, please pick up the phone..." I wished in mind.The line was connected on fourth dial, "Hyesung ah.., where are...."

"Hyung, it's me..." the familiar voice answered.

"Jinnie?"

"Yes, Hyung. Hyesung hyung is drunk now, Eric Hyung. And I am sending him to Home, so don't worry, Hyung."

"...okay..if you are with him together...." 

"Yes, Hyung. I am hinging up. Bye.." Junjin hung up the phone and the line was disconnected. But my thoughts were still running. First thing that worried me was ; why the hell he was drinking at this time. It's not like Shin Hyesung is a heavy drinker who would drink any time , any where. Being low alcohol tolerance person, he drinks occasionally. When he drinks, it means he is happy or sad. 

Second thing was Shin Hyesung definitely is not a person who would send me a message first. Even when he has things to discuss about our album , he would send messages in the group chat, not in private message. The thing that he was sending me message was absolutely strange thing. And lately, the content. What did he mean by that message? Do I regret being Eric? What does he mean...I kept thinking and thinking till morning reached. I could not wait anymore and I came down to his apartment, with an excuse that I would make hangover soup for him. All the thoughts of why he would be drunk occupied my brain while preparing hungover soup for him, and now I know why.

He heads down while still holding the cup of coffee. "My mom has always been asking me to get married already and...I..I just turn 39 this year." He takes his hands away from cup and rubs his hands together. That's the action he always does when he is nervous. What is making him nervous? I think. "You know.., she has been telling me since our return in 2014,...but I could give her alibis that we were busy over comeback after long time and busy filming ShinBang too." Oh yeah, he is right. That time, we were busy and tired like hell. Just preparing for comeback alone is tiring , but we needed to film ShinBang once a week too. And we needed to go almost every show to promote. It was our comeback after four long years, we were not sure of how many our fans still waited for us. We were so nervous and worried. What if our comeback was not a success? What if they didn't wait for us? What if our concerts not have full people? We were worried over so many things, and we wanted to make everything perfect for the fans who patiently waited for us unchanging. 

We faced lots of difficulties in those years. Our enlistment into army, having difficult times to meet with other members, moreover, his blacklist thing. Everything was a chaos. But little thing I was so grateful in those times was, being close neighbors, we got to spend a lot of times together alone, because it was hard to gather all members. He didn't get to enlist into army, so whenever I came back from my social work, I went to visit him, because we had only each other at that time. And like that, I used to visit his apartment almost everyday when his gambling came into the light. He was really depressed at that time, as being the introvert person, he chose to pile up all his feelings within himself. We spent alone together in those days as I was the only closest person living to him and the member whom I could contact easily was him too. And little by little, he started to feel bright, he started to open his heart for me. He stopped playing push and pull game which we played for decades, but instead he took the very first pull towards me during that time. The distance between us became little by little. Other members were hard to contact, so we two were almost always together. We were too tired from preparing comeback, promoting albums, shooting variety shows, but we were happy that we were always together. And that was when we started to realize our feelings towards each other. We did not speak out loud yet our actions were shown clearly what our feelings towards another. And even when we did not admit towards each other, everybody could see how we felt towards another and I knew how his feelings for me and I bet he knew mine towards him too. We were too happy. We were ready to take challenge.

"My mom asks me to rush after our comeback this year...." he says while still holding his coffee cup without taking a sip. Yes, we both were ready to take challenges but.....the things we forgot. Our family, our status, our members and most importantly , Shinhwa. Chasing our happiness might harm not only the two of us, but it might also effect on our family , our innocent members and Shinhwa, which we spent all our youth and time in it. We could not let lose all of it just for our happiness. And it was the reason why I started to play Push for the first time. I decided to come the things to the end which we hadn't even started .When I let members knew about me dating,  I can still clearly remember the look on his face, the pain in his eyes. Yet, I pretended like I saw nothing when my own heart was ripping in pain to see him like that. And that night, he came back home drinking. Of course I knew because that night, he phoned me and asked a question, "Do you like being Idol?" That night, I didn't answer him the question he asked. Because I was so busy asking the question myself. 

And last night, he asked the different question yet similar meaning once again. "Do I regret being Eric?" I look at the man who is now sitting quietly in front of me , holding now , not hot-anymore- coffee cup. 

"Hyesung ya...." he looks up. His face is still a little swollen up. "Hyesung ya...." I call him again. He looks me in confused.I smile as I get the answer. Yeah, the man who is currently sitting in front me is Shin Hyesung. 

"No....I don't regret." He looks me dumbfounded, probably thinking what non-sense I am saying now. "I don't regret being Eric...." I say slowly.

"Ah....." he seems like he remembers his question. "So that is your answer..." he speaks softly yet I manage to hear that. He lowers his head and stares at the coffee cup which he never lifts to drink. Looks like he never had any craving for coffee since from the start.  "Yes, this is my answer. But I need to add some word for the answer to be complete. " He lifts his head and looks at me. 

"I never regret being Shinhwa's Eric in my life, Shin Hyesung. Even once in my life...." I say while directly staring into his eyes. He seems like dumbfounded, "And I am always thankful for you being Shinhwa's Shin Hyesung....if I didn't choose to become Idol, if I could not able to debut as Shinhwa, I would have never known you." I say and he listens to every single word of mine carefully. "There are a lots of thing ...no, one thing, you and I won't be able to have in this life. But still, I am so grateful for just knowing you. Just being by your side is enough for me. I don't want to be greedy more than this. Just being by your side and you beside me, even just as member is enough for me." He keeps his head down on hearing mine. "Hyesung ya, I don't regret and not going to regret every decision I make as Shinhwa's Eric. " He doesn't reply me back anything. 

"So promise me, Hyesung ya...." I call him, he doesn't lift his head , but I know he is listening all my words , "...Please be happy, for us" He startles and just stares at me blankly for a few seconds. Then, he fleshes a smile, and nods weakly. I stand up from the chair, and heads to the door. I look back and watch his overly neat apartment once again. The white couch where we leaned our head on while drinking beers like crazy on our free days. His refrigerator which I often come and change for containers with his favorites dishes. The wide and tidy kitchen where we often bickered after I Messy up on  cooking. They will all be filled with another woman's scents in no sooner time, right? He is still quietly sitting alone on the dinner table with now two steam less , untouched coffee cups in front of him. I look at his back for a few minutes. The back I always used to hug from behind, the back I used to lean my head on , will it be filled with another woman's scents too? I bitterly think. I head back towards the door again , and the big poster in his changing room, near the entrance, catch my attention. Our Shinhwa's official photo for Return comeback. He really was excited for that comeback, and guess he really loves it . I smile remembering the time we shot the photos for the comeback. I stand in front of that room, look at the photos which he keep in there. This room is said to be his little escape. He has that habit of curl up in the corner of the wardrobe and he still sometimes do these days. He doesn't usually let others come into this room. He keeps many photos on his wall; most are our group photos, his solo shoots, photos with group S. I glance around the room and the little photo kept in the frame catch my attention. I enter the room and look carefully at the photo. The many photos of me and Hyesung together moments grip together into one big heart shape. Below the photo, the words "Ricsyung Forever " with little heart near the corner.I remember a fan gave him during fan signing, and he was furious ,  told her not to do things like these. I thought he would throw this away but it is surprised to see he keeps this. I gently rub the photo and place it slowly on its place again. I come out of the room , "Hye..." I shut my mouth immediately which were preparing to say 'Hyesung'.

"Pilkyo ...."he is surprised to hear me calling him.He turns and looks at me "I thought you left already...." he is surprised to see me still standing on the hallway.

"Kyo ah..." I know his weakness. He always turns soft on hearing his real name. "In our next life, lets be just Pilkyo and Jung Hyuk , and let's try the thing which we can't in this life, okay? Promise?..." I ask him without taking my eyes away from him. He just blinks and stands there. But in a few seconds, he nods "Okay, let's be just Junghyuk and Pilkyo in our next life." He smiles shyly and with that , I leave his apartment. I think I won't be able to visit his apartment as freely as I can like now after his marriage. I look at the blue sky, placing my hands near my chest, "God, I know I am being selfish now,  but please...please , let me be a greedy person in our next life..."for the first time in my life, I wish without thinking of other people. I just wish for myself for the very first time.