"Dear lord, when I get to heaven

Please let me bring my man

When he comes tell me that you'll let him in

Father tell me if you can

oh that grace, oh that body

Oh that face makes me wanna party

He's my sun, he makes me shine like diamonds

And will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful

                ......... excerpt from Lana Del Rey's "Young and Beautiful" KJY's IG November 

 

 

l.

Jiyong woke up that morning irritated and not knowing why, he was antsy and knew he had to get up, the longer he slept the more tired he would be, so he got up. He was in his apartment in Seoul with his cat and the plan for the day was to lounge. He did his morning ritual lazily and without any haste, why should he? he had nowhere really pressing to go. Tomorrow though was going to be busy. So today was a gift. 

He was aware Seunghyun's birthday was around the corner and he had promised to show up at his mom's place and they had planned a very small and intimate gathering consisting of the inner, inner circle. Nothing fancy and very low key, they didn't need or want the attention. 

He had spoken to Seunghyun the previous night and he remained skeptical that something was going to leak out. He'd assured him they would go on the offense by posting something innocuous and he won't for the first time in recent years make a fuss over his birthday. That, right there was the bane of why he woke up irritated if he was going, to be honest with himself. 

He remembered their phone conversation....

Seunghyun: 'I really would rather not have any celebration, honestly'

Jiyong: 'Why? It's your birthday, what harm can come from that?'

Seunghyun: 'Don't jinx it'

Jiyong: 'Besides the number is limited and your mom's place is the perfect place to have it. You're welcome that I thought of it'

 

There had been silence and Jiyong just knew what he was thinking and as much as he tried not to be offended, it seeped into his next sentence

 

Jiyong: 'We could always cancel and you can just have the day with your family and we can catch up later'

Seunghyun apparently didn't want to be ensnared and said  'You are part of my family'

Jiyong: 'Hmm, I'm beginning to...'

He was cut off....'not right now ok'

Jiyong: 'Fine, I just don't want you to think this is going to blow up into something huge'

Seunghyun: 'Left to me the day can just be another ordinary day'

Jiyong: 'Don't be silly' 

Jiyong knew he meant it too. The past several months have been pure torture, he had seen Seunghyun only twice since coming home from his tour and that was even a miracle. It had been short and very impersonal, to say the least. On the phone, they were the same old partners but when he saw him and had made a move to get at the very least a quick kiss, it ended up being a very quick hug. He overlooked it as Seunghyun just been extra careful and cautious. The second time it happened he knew something was up.

He tried to get him to talk but was thwarted at every chance, so that went under the rug like most of the issues that had cropped up since the "scandal." 

Jiyong: 'I promise, we won't drag it out, a couple of hours tops. Please quit worrying, you're making me nervous'

Seunghyun: 'Nervous, why?'

Jiyong: 'I feel like you're not going to show'

That was part of it but he kept the other part to himself.

Seunghyun: 'I'll be there'

Jiyong: 'Ok, settled" I'll call the others.'

They then reverted to small talk as Seunghyun had at one time pointed out that he wouldn't be surprised if one or both their phones was tapped, despite the fact that a very expensive encryption software had been paid for exclusively for him and Seunghyun and the other band members by YG and he and Seunghyun's phone had an added layer of encryption that was powerful enough to scramble any virus or spying software out there. 

That wasn't enough to keep the worries at bay for Seunghyun though, he still worried and that was another added strain on their otherwise compromised arrangements as it was. Jiyong was afraid he was going to be adding paranoia to Seunghyun's growing list of ailments.

So here he was, getting those damn butterflies that have permanently taken up residence in his stomach when it comes to all things Seunghyun. God, he hated how their lives were going. He honestly somedays just wants to scream and give it all up and that's what scared the out of him, he would in a heartbeat if he knew his partner would do the same. The condos, the artwork, his holdings, investments and portfolio, all of it, if Seunghyun would run away with him.

That was his go-to fantasy when he was feeling anxious about Seunghyun. There were times though when they spent time together that Seunghyun had hinted he would do just that but it was in the heat of the moment and would pass soon enough. They were at a sort of standstill in their relationship, neither moving forward nor backward.

They were in love, that fact remained undeniable but there was no room to grow the relationship, it was like forgetting to water his plants and each day they got drier and drier, and when he does water them he overdoes it. When they meet up after a long stretch, they clash together like soldiers returning from the battlefront. Then the more time they spent the more they begin to feel the constraints of their situation which inevitably leads to the stagnant feelings they sometimes cannot change which again leads to frustrations on both sides, each interpreting their frustrations differently which then eventually leads to not talking about it at all. 

Sometimes he got so angry he could just scream until the heavens broke. It was times like these and they were very rare, he wished he lived where he and Seunghyun could celebrate his birthday with all the pomp and fuss his heart could conjure up. He could decorate in purple, yellow and all the other colors of the rainbow to his heart's content. Seunghyun had developed a sixth sense about when he starts getting nostalgic and was quick to figuratively throw cold water on his face, which at times he did not appreciate.

The get together was planned at 7p but he was going to be there much earlier to help out. Seunghyun's mom, bless her heart, had asked him to be there earlier, she knew it would help calm his anxiety and give the both of them time together before everyone else arrived. He loved her, she seemed to have a keen sense of their insecurities and struggles and tried to help without being intrusive. His mom and dad were going to be there, all the band members and Seunghyun's sister and nephew and that were it. 

It was glaring the fact that Seunghyun's best friends were not included and Jiyong could careless, this was his gathering and the people he wanted were going to be there. If his friends wanted a get-together, they would have to put one together themselves. He was being selfish but he could care less. He wanted intimacy and he knew all the people invited would be ok when he snuck Seunghyun away.

He had a few things to take care off at YG and then he would be off, he had to pick up Yang Suk Hyun's gift and Teddy's. When that was done, he purposely drove slower than he normally did and took the long route. He needed to clear his mind and calm all his insecurities down. Two opposing feelings dueling inside of him; he was going to see Seunghyun after a spell and he was going to see Seunghyun.

He had told Seughyun that he was leaving his gift at his place and if he wanted it he would have to come to his condo to collect it. He had purposely done that as a barometer of their current status. If Seunghyun showed then that spoke volumes and if he didn't then those spoke mega volumes too. He hoped for the former. He eventually arrived at his Seunghyun's mom's place and the door was open and he was called to come in. She was in the kitchen at the sink washing vegetables, no one else was around yet. He gives her the same tight hug as he would his own mother and she, in turn, did the same, after all, she considered him a son as well. 

"Help me with cutting the vegetable," she said.

"Sure." He grabbed the cabbage and started to chop mindlessly after a while, they were silent for a spell.

"He says he'll be here at four when he leaves the office. Jiyong nods and continues to chop. She continued with her task, making small talk about his upcoming concerts and fan meets and he mindlessly responded, his mind occupied by her son and his worries over her son. 

"He's not as fragile as you think you know," she turned and looked at him.

"I know" he sighs

"But you still worry, which is ok, but to an extent though. We're going to have to trust that he can do this by himself, most of it anyways."

Jiyong subconsciously sighs again, "I know, it's just that I don't even know what I need to help him with. I have tried and he shuts me down even more."

She smiles at him, Jiyong loved her smile, it lit up her eyes and she had one of the kindest and most beautiful smiles in the world. "As long as he knows we're on his side and will be there until whenever (she winks at him), he'll pull through." Jiyong gave her a soft smile in return.

They spent the next hour fussing in the kitchen, Jiyong mostly prepping the ingredients and she doing the cooking, in time the home was filled with delicious smells that evoked memories of his childhood. The cake he ordered arrived and he placed it in the cooler after his mother had admired and cooed about it. Seunghyun's sister and nephew arrived and there were hugs all around. He got a reprieve from kitchen duties by playing with(...), who had grown taller since he last saw him.roze

Jiyong could not help but keep looking at the clock and his anxiety built with each passing of time. 

He was playing hide-and-seek when Seunghyun walked in, Jiyong froze in his hiding spot, he wanted to stay hidden, he should have taken the time to fix his hair which was currently fighting static, he had no eyeliner on and he was spotting a fake mustache (..). His momentary lapse in participation got him outed by (..)and the boy went screaming that he won.