A Hundred more Autumns and Long Winters

"Mina?"

Whipping my head to the right, I saw a colleague of mine taking the empty seat next to mine. She offered a hot cup of coffee. Her face brightened the second my hand reached out to receive the item, and soon, she was grinning to herself with whatever reason that I might have missed, for I was spacing out for too long in my seat. Besides, I had done my entire task for today and so I had the leisure of spending it idly.

And the huge glass wall of the floor I'm at offered a scenic view of snow slowly coating the vast Seoul Metropolis and replacing the long autumn that this year had. It was breath taking, I must say.

It was the 31st of december, the last day of the year when everyone tries to reconcile with lost friends and families, to do the things they haven't so much done, and of course, to catch up with the holiday sales. Nobody wants to miss the holiday sale!

Crap. Holiday sales.

I remembered seeing an advertisement in the telly this morning that mangoes were sold at an incredibly low price at the mart, and I have to buy some two kilos or more, otherwise I won't be able to make Jihyo - my one and only roommate slash bestfriend - her favorite mango dessert for New Year's Eve. 

I scrunched my eyebrows together as though they were meant that way. With fists pumped and a determined soul to buy some darned mangoes after work, I probably looked like a complete dimwit because my colleague (who apparently was still seated next to me) started to laugh.

The internal struggles that I was having might have amused her, really.

"What's funny, Nayeon?" I asked, though I kind of already knew the answer.

 She smiled at me and waved her free hand whilst the other held her own mug.

"It's your expression, it was silly." She said before taking a sip of her coffee, "but it was cute too. If I did that, I would look like a moron."

This time, it was I who laughed. Who wouldn't when Nayeon, the cynosure of almost everyone's eyes, indirectly bashed herself? "I'm pretty sure you wouldn't look like a moron."

"Hey," Nayeon said before turning to the window. "I didn't know it was already snowing." She said with amusement peaking in her tone of voice. She placed her mug on the table and settled her hands on her lap, gripping on the fabric that she had worn. She seemed too amused at the gentle snow tapping against the window because for a second there, her eyes sparkled like how a child's would. She chuckled as she turned to me, "I might have been too engrossed in my work earlier."

"It had been snowing for an hour or so." I said. "It's a bummer that we still have to work during the holidays, aye?"

Being part of a company that is involved with making and marketing coffee, of course it was a bustling job. There are millions of people dependent on coffee, making it as an everyday companion, and we have to satisfy each and everyone's needs. It originally wasn't my line of work, being an art and music graduate myself, but this harsh world had lead me to such odd choice that I had no other option but to accept it.

First rule in the real world - we have to have an open eye and mind for us to fit in and survive.

Besides, I love coffee and the pay is really good.

"Yeah, it's a bummer. At least we get to go home early today." Nayeon said. She then leaned closer to me and cupped her palm next to and whispered, "Hey do you want to hear something funny?"

I nodded, anticipating whatever joke she had come up.

"This better be good."

"It's the first snow of the year... on the last day of the year." She then pulled this proud smile on her face and had both her index fingers pointed at me as she pulled away, as if urging me to laugh with her.

It wasn't funny and yet I found myself laughing because dear Lord, this woman was being too cute.

○○○

The walk to the mart was uncomfortable.

I was almost freezing to death. If I hadn't ignored the weather forecast of a snowy afternoon, I would have worn a thicker jacket, a wooly bonnet and some warm gloves to get me by. Thick headed as I was, I suffered the consequence by walking on the street with barely anything warm on.

Among other things that tried to catch up this year, I honestly believed it wasn't going to snow, yet snow slapped me right in the face with its sudden appearance. And what's even more interesting? It made a grand entrance on the last day of the year when it usually starts snowing when November rolls around.

The first snow.

They say the first snow should be celebrated with a significant other. If you both confess your love under the first snow, the relationship is going to last a life time, so I've heard. It's a silly belief probably made up by lovesick people; there was no harm in believing such thing, and so maybe that's why I've entertained the thought of it.

Briefly recalling an almost vague memory, the last time I stood under the first snow with someone I considered special was years ago, four outstanding years it was actually.

In my case, however, it was more like a promise rather than a confession of love. Though in a way it's still the same, for love is like a promise, meant to be kept and treasured.

Under the first snow that day, we promised to wait for each other, and with an honest heart I committed to that promise like the diligent, patient girl that I was. She needed time and I gave her time. Never did I realize that I might be just blindly waiting for nothing, for years passed by that even a trace of her shadow was nowhere to be found.

When she first went away to study abroad, we still connected through online messaging, though they were barely just how are you's and brief stories of how our days had been. It was like that until such time our personal worries with life gobbled us up without putting too many thoughts on our emotion.

Weeks, months, years had come and pass since the last how are you's were exchanged. Maybe she was busy, I reassured myself with a smile layered with pity. Being in college, in a foreign country to add to that, might have consumed her time. As for I, I had graduation to take care of and then job hunting came next. I was pretty occupied for months.

And yet, I still believed the promise she said.

And I still keep count of the days.

"I' swear I'll make you fall in love with me when I come back!"

I held on to what she promised, and that’s already enough for me to get by in my everyday life; knowing that someone is waiting for you on the other side of the spectrum. It felt good, though most of the time I felt... lonely.

A snow flake fell on the tip on my nose and a strange nostalgia enveloped me.

Odd.

Focusing on what's ahead of me, I saw a familiar figure crossing the street. A small gasp came out of my mouth as I tried to take in the sight.

She had long brown locks, her way of stylizing her coat – with stars patched on to the sleeves – and how the color stood out in the monochromatic street scene behind her was somehow tantlizing and intimidating at the same time. She walked across the street with much fluidity in her every step as if she knew the street too well, and if not for the fact that she still had the same dimpled cheeks and puppy eyes that adorned her beautiful face, I would have mistaken her for someone else.

But no.

She was someone that I knew too well and someone I'd been waiting for too long.

"Chaeyoung."

The name just slipped out of my mouth. It felt foreign at first to be enunciating something that I have considered Latin in my vocabulary.

My feet involuntary moved by their own.

And I have already forgotten that I was freezing cold.

I started to walk faster, to catch up with her hurried steps. And though I wanted to call out for her name again, I couldn't do so. My lips were pressed hard against each other. The cold winter wind blew brushing past me, but still I braved it. I couldn't lose sight of Chaeyoung who was now just a few steps in front of me.

My hands reached out so I could grab her shoulders – inch by inch I move closer – just a little bit more and I'll be able to yank her to me like I did the last time I saw her.

But back then pair of glistening orbs greeted my own pair much to my surprise.

“I like you,” I remembered her saying this to me; but it wasn't snowing just yet and so it wasn't considered as a first snow confession. With glimmering eyes she continued, “And I don’t care if you’re going to dismiss my feelings just because I’m still a kid.”

It was funny because I never saw Chaeyoung as a kid, though yes she sometimes do act as one, but that just adds to her over-all charm. Even from the beginning, I’ve always seen her as someone independent and reliable. There was just something to Chaeyoung that I always enjoy being in her company. Not a day I waste when I was with her. And even if we’d just sit side by side for hours without saying anything, it oddly felt comfortable; like hearing the crackling of roasted chestnuts on fire, it was soothing.

Everything about Chaeyoung was soothing.

Just when I was about to grab her, she turned a sharp left and went inside a building. I almost lost hold of my balance and almost tripped, luckily I was able move a foot forward to balance out my weight. My breathing skyrocketed after such chase, so much that I was already gripping my chest.

I haven't felt so alive in years.

Only Chaeyoung could make me feel such things.

I stood outside the building where Chaeoung disappeared to.

Should I? I asked myself not just once, not just twice. I was having a serious battle with my head and heart that it hurts.

In the end, with ever trembling steps and a wildly throbbing heart inside my chest, I went inside.

One step and I was inside the building. Two step and I was already inside the lobby. And there Chaeyoung was standing in the middle of the lobby, with her arms frivolously waving at someone.

"Dahyunnie!" I heard her calling out for someone. “Hey, Kim Dahyun!”

A girl, around Chaeyoung's age and height, skipped across the room and hugged Chaeyoung while squealing softly with something I wasn't able to make out. They pull away seconds later and still the cheeky smile that this Dahyun had still graced her face. She's charming and quite the beauty too, and unknowningly, I touched my face whilst a surge of insecurity filled my senses.

Chaeyoung's back was at me, and so I wasn't able to see her reaction. But judging by the tone of her voice, she was quite elated.

"It's the first snow!" Dahyun exclaimed as she held Chaeyoung's arms. "It's finally snowing!"

"Easy there, Dahyun!" Chaeyoung's melodious laughter filled the air. "I'm excited for the first snow too!"

"I know right? We've been waiting for this day."

Wait, did she just say we?

I just stood there as if my feet were frozen on the ground. I wanted to move away seeing how much of a bad idea it was to follow Chaeyoung. I looked down to the ground and sighed softly, I really should go.

"Oh, is that Mina-ssi?" I heard Dahyun say. The moment I look up, I was met with Dahyun's sharp eyes. "It is Mina-ssi!" She exclaimed; I could see how she turned to Chaeyoung to offer her a confused look before darting her eyes back to me.

Like in the movies, everything went in slow motion when Chaeyoung finally decided to turn to face me. It felt like centuries when she finally fully faced me and I felt my soul float out of my body.

She's gone prettier than I'd ever imagine, her lips were now more full, her body now conforms that of a lady, and she's even grew out her once bob-cut hair. I wasn't faced with the kid Chaeyoung that I knew; this Chaeyoung in front of me was a lady.

I