5 Years Ago . . .

I sigh quietly, close my eyes and lean my back against the railing, propping my hands against it on both sides. I stayed like that for a moment, enjoying the autumn breeze and silence. It is expected to be cold but I didn’t know it would be this cold. I think I need a cigarette.

I fish in my pocket a stick and my newly bought lighter. To be honest, I’m just using the cold as an excuse. I need to smoke to release my frustration.  I’m hoping it would, at least. I turn around and lean over the railing, facing the grandeur of New York City.

I take a long drag of my cigarette, letting the smoke warm my lungs and seep into my numb soul. The sound of the sliding door breaks the silence as I blew the smoke in the air carefully. It was shoved open so hard I expect it to spit a human out onto that room’s balcony.

The room besides mine spits out a girl. I still didn’t look but our room’s balcony is close enough to each other to see the silhouette leaning over the railing. I take another small, slow draw and exhaled the smoke into the air, watching it disappear.

I finally allowed my eyes to look at the figure besides me. Just looking at her profile, I definitely can tell that she’s beautiful. Yes, I’m very certain that she is gorgeous. She has long, wavy brown hair and porcelain skin. Her choice of clothing is too big for her petite frame but I guess that’s just her style . . . I find it interesting.

She’s staring out blankly into the night. Our close proximity allows me to make out the heavy rise and fall of her chest as she drags in deep breaths and exhales them out. I stare at her a little bit longer and she appears to be in the verge of a breakdown.

I don’t know if I should speak up or clear my throat to let her know she has company. I think she still hasn’t realized that she’s not alone. I turn my face away to take another drag of my cigarette then out of nowhere, there’s a loud crash and screaming and swearing . . . a lot of swearing.

I turn my head back to her and watch how she murders the poor cellphone. She doesn’t stop with one just one kick. She stomps on her cellphone over and over again. She eventually stops when the cellphone turned into thousands of glittering fragments.

The girl is breathing heavily. She’s just standing there, her hands clenched in fist at her sides. Her back is facing me and I watch as she heaves a sigh. I think it’s time to speak up.

“So what did the poor cellphone do to make you so angry?” She squealed and spins around to face me. Her eyes widen in surprise and slightly open. She definitely doesn’t know she has an audience.

“What. . . You speak Korean? I mean, y-you’re Korean? Wait. . . How do you know I’m Korean?” She stammers and I just raise a brow, finding it amusing.

We stare at each other longer than necessary until she shakes her head and sighs. “I’m sorry. I- I. . . I’m sorry. I didn’t realize someone else is out here.”

I take a final draw and stubbed out my cigarette in the floor. I don’t have any ashtray right now and I’m too lazy to get back inside my room so the floor will do.

“You obviously didn’t realize. You are so lost in your thoughts. I was already here before you came out.” She scrunched up her nose and look away from me. Cute. “And to answer your question, you’re swearing in Korean . . . a lot. That’s an obvious hint.”

She’s silent as she walks back to the railing and leans over it. Then she looks at me and gives me an apologetic smile. Damn! This woman is really beautiful.

“I’m sorry you had to witness. . . .  that.”

“The murder of your cellphone? Oh, don’t worry. I swear I won’t tell it to the hotel staffs or the police.” I gave her a lopsided smile and much to my surprise, I heard her giggle. “What did it do to you anyways?”

She didn’t answer me right away. Of course, she wouldn’t. I’m practically a stranger and her guard is still up.

“You know . . . just having a ty day and all. I needed an outlet and my cellphone was the first thing I saw so . . . yeah.” She tried to smile but I can see a hint of sadness behind it.

“Whoa! Good thing you didn’t see me or else I would be the one lying lifelessly on the ground.” I attempted to lighten up the air. I hope she caught my humour though.

She only offered a faint smile. She moves her eyes away from mine and now we’re back again in silence. I also turn my head and join her in watching the lights blazing from every skyscraper, every office block, and even the bridge outline. I’ve seen this kind of view a million times but it never fails to fascinate me. They are just so captivating and astounding. It simply . . . calms me.

“The universe is being unfair.” She uttered and my head automatically twisted at her direction. I think she said it more to herself but I’ll respond to her anyways.

“What made you say that?”

She shrugs her shoulders, lifting her eyes to mine. “I don’t know . . . I mean. . . I feel like the universe is a big bully and I’m its favourite subject. I think the universe hates me.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at her statement. For some reason, I found it absurd but that what makes it funny. At least, it was for me . . . not for her though. She didn’t even crack a smile. So I did what I think is necessary – to shut up. Nice one, Jiyong.

I clear my throat and shifted on my feet. “Well, I have this little theory. Do you want to hear it?” I tease for a little bit to lighten up the mood but she only raise a brow then stares blankly at me.

“No, thanks.”

Great. I think I pissed her off.

“Come on. I think it might help you to feel better.” She tilts her head sideways. Her eyebrows are drawn together in contemplation.

She slowly nods. “Okay… What’d you got?”

I smile and proceed with my own little theory. “I believe everyone has their own s in life. Everyone has their own screwed up moments. No matter how big or small it is."

“Really?” She didn’t sound convinced. “I mean . . . you don’t like someone who’s dealing with s in life.” I grinned just as she air-quoted the word s.

I fully turn my body to her, leaning my sides over the railing. “That’s because I’m good at pretending.”

“W-What?” Her face contorted in confusion and I have to stifle my laugh. Her expressions are so . . . interesting and I’m so determined to see more of it.

“Everyone will or is going through s and stuff. Like I said, no matter how big or small it is. happens to everyone.  Well, that’s life. Life isn’t fair sometimes. My point is . . . well, my theory’s point is, everyone in the world is going through stuff like you are. They’re just better at pretending.”

She looks up to the sky and left us in silence for a while. Then she said, “Tell me something.”

“Tell you what?”

She shrugs. “Something that will make me feel better. Something that will make me feel a little less ty . . . a little less screwed up.”

She’s staring up to the starless sky, waiting for my answer. My eyes travel along the line of her jaw, moving up to the curve of her cheeks then to her long eyelashes. My gaze drop and let it linger on the outline of her lips. 

She’s really cute. No, cute is an insult.

She’s beautiful. She’s gorgeous. . . She’s – she’s stunning. Did I mention she’s beautiful?

I think about my answer and when I come up with one, I also stare up to the sky. “I was dumped by my girlfriend last week.” I can tell that she’s looking at me but I keep my gaze up.

“Did you try to talk her about it?” She asked cautiously, it made me look right at her. Her eyes were soft.

“No. I just came out from an 18-hour surgery when she broke up with me. I guess I’m too tired and drained to even argue with her.”

I’m expecting her to call me a dickhead, a bastard, an . . . or whatever but they never come to my ears. I hold her gaze and try to read any reaction from them but there’s none. She’s looking at me without any judgement in her eyes. Instead, she throws another question. A question I did not anticipate.

“Did you regret it? Did you regret not talking to her that day?”

I blink, then I blink again . . . and another blink. I never consider this question before. To be honest, I wouldn’t have known my own answer if she hadn’t asks.

“Do you want an honest answer?”

She lifts an eyebrow. “Why would I want a dishonest answer?”

I grin at her and shrug my shoulders. “Fair enough.”

I never tell information so freely, especially to people I barely know. Hell, I don’t even share this particular topic to my friends. That’s how I value my privacy. But this girl – This girl is effortlessly pushing me out of my comfort zone.

“No, I didn’t. It’s for the best—the breakup, I mean. I did love her and I know that she loved me too but somehow, along the way, we started to drift apart. Then I realized, we both didn’t mind being apart from each other. It’s not supposed to be that way, you know? And we both know that we’re unhappy, that our relationship is not working anymore.”

Something flickered in her eyes but she quickly masked it before I can even put a name on it. She clears and face forward again. She leans over the railing let her arms dangle as she stares at the horizon. She stays like that for a while, and I stare at her the entire time.

 “Sooooo,” I drag, attempting to break the silence. “Your turn.”

She takes in a deep breath and meets my gaze steadily. “First of all, I’ll give a piece of advice. Don’t ever make surprises on your own birthday. It’ll bloody backfire.” She laughs but it sounded so . . . broken.

So today is her birthday. I’ll make sure to bring that up later.

I don’t know if she’s comfortable enough to talk to me about it, but my curiosity isn’t easily put to rest. Somehow, I want her to share her problems with me. “Well, I’m intrigued.”

She breaks our gaze and stares down at the street. “The reason why I came here was to surprise my boyfriend. He moved here in New York because of work and we haven’t seen each other since then. Considering our tight work schedules and the distance, visiting each other was just impossible. Thank God for the internet and FaceTime, it made our LDR somewhat bearable.” She paused. She tried to blink her impending tears away but a single tear manages to escape. She quickly wipes it with the back of her hand.

“When I learned about a tiny opening on my schedule, I didn’t have any second thoughts and planned my visit. Now, here I am.” She trails off, lifting her eyes to mine. “I wanted the surprise to be perfect but . . . little did I know that this surprise would cause me my ultimate heartbreak.”

Her voice cracks. More tears have slipped through her eyes.

I already have an idea how her story will go but I’ll let her continue. She needs this. She needs to pour out all of her emotions.

“I went to his apartment and what I saw there was beyond my imagination. He was there, lying on his bed with my bestfriend on top of him.” Her hands balled into a ti