Jimin sputters as the sudden harsh breath of wind blows his fringe into his face and mouth. He rubs it from his face and reaches to pull his bumper’s sides closer to each other to fight the sudden chill.

He’s rushing to his class, and there’s no need to look at the watch, because he knows he’s late. He hates being late and almost never is, but since he’d switched to night shifts at the convenience store he works at, getting up for classes has gotten much more difficult. But, he can take dance lessons in the evening again, and the pay’s better, too.

 

When his university comes into the view, it seems to fit the cold weather just so, Jimin thinks. The trees lost their final leaves somewhere around last week, at the same time, when the weather suddenly took a turn from somewhat warm to actual autumn chilly. The grey school building’s exterior doesn’t help to lighten this unfriendly atmosphere at all.

 

Jimin crosses the final street in front of the campus. A week ago, the schoolyard was still full of students, relaxing under the fading sun or studying while laying on the grass, now, there’s not a single person. Everyone’s either in class or somewhere warm to do their things.

He closes nearer to the Art building, and looks around for the last time, in wonder how gloomy is the atmosphere around.

His sight stops at a boy seated alone on a bench. It take a while to register, but there’s few things, that seem to be wrong with this picture. First of all, the temperature is under 10 degrees Celsius, but this boy isn’t wearing more that a long-sleaved T-shirt and a pair of jeans. Second, he seems to be ill, because his complexion is so fair, that it’s almost blue, and so are his lips and the circles under his eyes. And lastly, from his pose, with tense back and fists on his knees, he seems to be really distressed, or… lost.

Jimin looks at the front of the building in front of him, where his class started some minutes ago. It seems to be as far from him as the boy and his bench. He already knows what will he choose to do, so he sighs and makes his way to the boy.

 

“Um, hey…. are you alright?” he asks, and jumps a little, when the boy turns his head to him in a jerky movement. Up close, he looks even more ill, his darks circles going deep under his skin, and Jimin cannot help but shudder. At least, he can blame that to the weather.

“I, hm…” the boy’s voice is deep, but raspy as if he didn’t use it for a while and he has to hawk before speaking again, “I, uh, I’m fine, yeah. Why?”

The look he gives Jimin is somehow wary, and Jimin wonders if his tone came out weird.

“Oh, I just… you are not wearing much and it’s really cold outside. And you… I don’t know, I was just wondering if everything’s okay with you, seeing you sitting here and all.” He cringes at his own answer, but his inner psychology student is persistent in helping the person, who doesn’t seem to be alright at all.

“Oh yeah, I kinda… I forgot about the weather. It got cold so suddenly” he wraps arms around himself, as if he suddenly remembered, he’s freezing. Jimin’s not quite convinced with the reaction, but the rational part of his brain cannot help but feel bad for the guy.

Jimin suddenly remembers something and opens his valise to ruffle through it. He pulls out a scarf, that he almost forgot he put in, and extends his hand with it towards the boy, who is just watching him quietly.

“Here, take this at least. I don’t really need it… you can keep it.” he smiles, and hopes it’s convincing, because he really doesn’t want the unknown boy collapse on him, knowing he could have helped.

The boy slowly reaches for it and as their hands touch shortly, Jimin gets startled and the weak restraints in his mind loosen, and he quickly reaches for the boy’s hands to wrap them in his own two.

“Oh, man! Your hands are freezing! Really, how can you be outside here in this weather in what you’re wearing and not even shiver! You’re gonna catch your death like this.” He releases the boy, who is now sporting a shocked expression, and grabs the scarf, wrapping it around the guy’s slender, blue-ish neck, tying it with a firm knot. He puts his arms at his hips and huffs to himself, appreciating his work. “That’s more like it.”

The boy doesn’t seem to be able to move his neck, so he stands up to be able to face Jimin better. Being now face to face makes Jimin realize, how rude he probably was and he’s already breathing in to apologize, but the boy’s (who seems to be the same height with Jimin) smirk stops him from speaking further.

He pats the scarf and his words come out less confident than he seemed awhile ago “That was a bit unnecessary, but thanks. For the scarf, and the worrying, I mean.  You’re right, I should be better at taking care of myself at my age.”

Jimin should be huffing again and exclaiming something like “damn right”, but instead, he finds himself staring into the boy’s eyes, which seem to be lighter that normal person’s, same as the rest of him. Despite his cold appearance, they seem warm, and Jimin gets caught in them before a question pulls him back to reality.

“So, anyways, shouldn’t you be going to class now? Wasn’t that what you were about to do before you decided to save me?”

Jimin blushes at that, but the guy seems to be serious. “Well, I totally should, but 5 or 10 minutes late, what’s the difference. And what about you, shouldn’t you?”

The guy seems to loose his confidence at that again and Jimin wonders why.

“...I guess.”

“So, uh, I’ve gotta be going, but you should get somewhere warm, too. Oh, and I’m Jimin, by the way, I go to the Arts. You, too?” Jimin doesn’t even know why is he talking about himself, but somehow, he doesn’t want to leave just yet, he wants to make sure his unknown stranger is alright. And maybe he just doesn’t want to leave him. Just yet.

Jimin extends his hand and they shake, and Jimin resists a shiver at the guy’s ice-cold touch.

“I’m Yoongi. And no, I don’t go to the Arts.”

Jimin nods, but doesn’t pry. They stare at each other for few seconds, before Jimin starts to feel the time and the fact, that he’s missing the basics of English and it’s gonna be impossible to learn that by himself.

“So, uh, I’m going now, Yoongi.” The name tastes sweet on his tongue and he scowls at his cheesiness in his head. “Be sure to get warm as soon as possible.”

Yoongi smiles, and Jimin wonders how much more healthy he looks like that. “I sure will.”

“Bye then.” Jimin waves lightly in Yoongi's direction and turns to run towards the building, to catch up with some time and mostly so that Yoongi doesn’t see him blush.

“Hey, Jimin, the scarf….!” shouts Yoongi after him, but the door has already closed behind Jimin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s three days later and Jimin is on his night shift again, when the door bells signals a customer. Jimin swiftly open his eyes to greet the newcomer and his eyes meet lighter brown ones.

“Welcome-- Oh, Yoongi?”

He isn’t sure at first, but at second glance, that’s his not-so-unknown, and not-so-ill stranger from before. Yoongi looks much better, his dark circles are gone, his skin tone seems darker, too, and he’s wearing a mustard color padding jacket with beanie. Maybe it’s still too early in the year for padding jackets, but in Jimin’s opinion, it’s much better that the freezing Yoongi from before. His heart strangely warms at the sight.

On the other hand, Yoongi still doesn’t seem that comfortable, standing in the doorway. He looks around first, but smiles when Jimin calls out to him and makes his way straight to the counter.

 

He’s wearing the scarf.

 

“Hey, Jimin, you work here?” he asks and Jimin laughs lightly at the obvious question, his sleepiness gone.

“Yes, I do. You look much better… Yoongi” Jimin says in a hope to see Yoongi’s smile again. And he does.

“Thanks. I’m taking care of myself now. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“I see that, but what are you doing up at” Jimin checks the clock “almost 4AM?”

Yoongi lets out a “hmmm” sound, which sounds like a music to Jimin’s ears, and smiles a big smile again. “My shift ended just now and I wanted to get something, but I actually forgot what it was” when you called out my name, he doesn’t say, but Jimin seems to be blushing again, and Yoongi finds that enticing.

 

Jimin makes blushing looks so easy.

 

Jimin regretted a lot that he didn’t get the charming stranger’s phone number that time, and his roommate had spent a whole evening listening to it, but again, it wasn’t the right time then. And even though that time might be now, no matter how he seems on the outside, Jimin is still shy and maybe a little confused at his unexplainable attraction to Yoongi.

“Oh, oh… then when you remember, I’m here to help.” he smiles sheepishly. “But only until 4, that’s when we close and I’m freeeee.” Jimin cheers and stretches a little, and Yoongi finds himself smiling again.

“It probably wasn’t anything important.

 

 

They spend the last 10 minutes of Jimin’s shift chatting, they find out Yoongi is 24 and Jimin 22, that they both like music and share a common interest in animals, especially dogs. Yoongi says he used to have a dog, and his sad expression signals Jimin to change the topic.

Nobody comes in until 4 and Yoongi waits for Jimin to close the shop (maybe a little longer, because Jimin spends some time in front of a mirror, willing his cheeks to stop blushing). Yoongi then walks with Jimin, slowly, and they talk. Yoongi explains Jimin,  that he lives outside of the city and his buses run from 5AM, and Jimin suggests (too fast), that he’ll wait with Yoongi until that time, that he has nothing planned on today, anyways. And Yoongi can't find it in himself to send the boy to sleep.

The station is at the end of the city, and by the time they get there, the sun is beginning to rise. They sit on a bench and watch it quietly. It’s solemn and beautiful, and Jimin thinks words would only break the moment. And somehow he knows, Yoongi would agree. In a moment of awe, unbeknowingly to himself, he reaches for Yoongi’s hand.

He startles as he grabs it, though, and turns to looks at Yoongi, surprised. He gets only an apologetic expression.

 

Yoongi’s hand is still cold as ice.

 

“Hyung, why…”

Jimin looks at the hand in his own and it’s as pale and blue-ish as Yoongi was the first day at the school. Jimin doesn't understand. Yoongi is wearing a padding in autumn, so how is this possible?

“I have a bad circulation.” says Yoongi weakly, when Jimin studies his face. He leans closer and Yoongi avoids his eyes. Jimin gasps and reaches to swipe his finger across Yoongi's cheek. Then gasps again.

“You’re wearing make-up, hyung?” he asks, and Yoongi cannot help it but hear dissappointment in Jimin’s voice. “Are you still ill?”

“I’m not…. I’m not ill, Jimin.” and he’s not lying, he hasn’t been ill for a while. “I just, I just don’t look good and know it. I can see it in everyone’s eyes, even though they say nothing. I just… want to feel and look normal.” From Jimin eyes, it’s evident he doesn’t know what to think, and Yoongi cannot blame him. But it still hurts. “I swear, I’m not sick, just….”

Suddenly, Jimin grabs his hands again and Yoongi tries to extricate himself, but Jimin holds.

“Okay, I’m sorry, hyung. I’m sorry for how I reacted. If you say you are alright, then you are.” Jimin says, his hands tightly entwined with Yoongi’s, but he’s staring at the sunrise instead of Yoongi's face.

Yoongi wishes to explain himself. He wants to lose the weight on his shoulders, but how could he do that to Jimin?

So they sit, with unsaid words between them, and hold hands until Yoongi’s bus comes.

Jimin only lets go of Yoongi’s hands before he boards, and Yoongi feels the lose of warmth of Jimin heavily.

“Thanks for the morning, hyung. It was expected, but one of the most beautiful mornings, I’ve even had.” Jimin smiles happily. Then he reaches to smudge the make-up on Yoongi’s cheek and grins.

 

“You’re cute, when you’re blushing.”

 

Yoongi doesn’t understand what is Jimin speaking about, but as he’s boarding the bus, he glimpses at his make-up less cheek as it is reflecting in the bus’ back mirror, and he gasps and stops on the stairs, only to be called on by the driver.

He is still shocked when he sits down, so he doesn’t even look outside, to see Jimin waving him goodbyes.

 

Because he was indeed blushing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jimin sends an sms to Yoongi right after they part. He writes and deletes it three times before he settles on “did you get home safely, hyung? :)” The emoji is a must, because he doesn’t want Yoongi to think, that he actually saw Yoongi being distracted when leaving and that he’s now once again worrying for him. Although, he surely is.

He has problems falling asleep that morning. The strange warmth in Yoongi’s eyes, together with his sickly appearance, keeps slipping on his mind, but however hard Jimin thinks, he cannot find an explanation for any of it. He feels like he’s missing something, but he still knows too little about the other boy to make conclusions.

Yoongi doesn’t answer the text for two days, and in the evening of second day, Jimin decides to call him, but the phone is dead. Jimin panics a little, regretting why didn’t he ask exactly where “outside of the city” Yoongi lived, or at least what major he was, because now he has no clue to finding his current whereabouts.

He tries to search for “Yoongi” at his school server, but the only two Yoongis the engine gives him, have graduated respectively 7 and 15 years ago. After that, he’s even more worried, that actually, he didn’t even get the boy’s name right, and that night, he dreams about Yoongi vanishing into a mist like he had never even existed before.

 

 

 

On the third day, Jimin’s phone rings in the middle of a dance lesson, and he ignores the teacher’s scoldings as he hastily rushes outside of the studio to pick up the phone. It reads “yoongi hyung” on the screen.

“Hello?” he says, short of breath.

Yoongi coughs to clear his throat before he speaks. “Jimin? I’m so sorry, I haven’t answered your sms. I don’t use my phone a lot and I didn’t even notice, it was dead…”

Jimin has planned to scold Yoongi, when and if he let his well-being be known to Jimin, and honestly, what 20-something year old doesn’t charge his phone for three days? but hearing finally Yoongi’s voice after days of worrying makes Jimin let out a breath of relief and smile to himself. Of course Yoongi was alright.

“That’s…. I was really worried, you know.”

“I figured, and I’m sorry again. Hey, do you work tonight or are you free?”

“I have a dance practice ‘till 7, and then I’m free.” he says a bit too fast, and hopes it didn’t sound desperate.

“Oh, wanna hang out after, then?”

“Sure, can you pick me up?”

“Yeah, just mail me the address, and I’ll be there.” Yoongi asnwers, and Jimin can hear a change in his voice, as if he relaxed after being tense.

He’s still grinning to himself as he types the address to the phone.

 

 

 

 

Yoongi isn’t wearing any make-up this time, and although Jimin’s first urge is to worry again because his complexion didn’t improve a bit, he persuades himself that Yoongi is fine, as he keeps telling Jimin everytime they meet. He acts fine and doesn’t show any discomfort, so Jimin relaxes after few minutes into their meeting and believes it.

Although they didn’t have any plans, they decide it’s too cold to stay outside and end up in the local cinema. Jimin is terribly hungry after the practice, but he doesn’t want to miss the film and spoil their evening. Also, the prospect of going into the movies with Yoongi makes him feel happy enough to forget about his discomforts for a while. Yoongi himself seems to be hardly holding back a smile after they decide on their evening, and Jimin thinks that it’s cute how his hyung seems to love going to the cinema.

 

But this isn’t a date, convices Jimin himself. It’s a spontageous night out with a friend. (He feels a little sad about it.)

 

Jimin buys himself a large popcorn and coke, while Yoongi waits in front of cinema room. They sit in the back rows, and Jimin offers Yoongi his food, but Yoongi refuses, reasoning, that he’s had a huge dinner right before they met up. The movie starts and it’s a romantic comedy, and it’s honestly really cliche and a little boring to Jimin, so instead of watching, he ends up watching Yoongi instead. The older man is watching the movie in awe, his soft eyes wide and he is laughing a little too much at every comedic scene. Jimin’s hands buzz to touch Yoongi, hold his hand or touch his cheek as he did once before. But the other is enjoying himself and the moment doesn’t feel right. Yet.

They leave the room laughing about something Jimin doesn’t even remember, he's just happy that Yoongi is happy. They pass an attendant, who bows to everybody and wishes them good-byes, but when her eyes meet up with Yoongi’s, she laughs a little into her hand and cheerily wishes them “Happy halloween!” instead. Jimin is confused at first but then he realizes, that she must have thought, that Yoongi is wearing halloween make-up. He gets ready to argue with her, but Yoongi is quicker than ever as he thanks her and drags Jimin away.

They stop in front of the building, it’s late at night, and there’s only few people, who just watched the movie as they did.

“Hyung, that was rude of her, she should have been more proffessional!”

Yoongi shakes his head, “Let it go, Jimin. I get where is she coming from.”

Jimin gasps, shocked at Yoongi’s apathy. “Well, I actually think, that you’re beautiful and I will tell you more often, if needed! Who does she thinks she is, really?” he huffs, but stops when he sees Yoongi freeze on spot and he slowly realizes, what has he just said. He wants to crawl into a hole and never come out again. This wasn’t how he expected he would confess crush to anyone. There should have been flowers and blushing, at least. But instead, Yoongi’s face stays pale, while Jimin's probably red from frustration.

“I-I mean…”

But Yoongi reaches up and Jimin flinches away a little, before having his hair ruffled. Yoongi is smiling now. “Thanks, Jimin. I think you’re really handsome, as well.” he says, and Jimin slowly relaxes. The frustration is gone and now he's probably starting to blush again.

Yoongi then reaches for Jimin’s hands, but remembers something before they touch and instead ruffles in his pockets before pulling out a pair of gloves. They’re woollen, red with Christmasy feel to them and evidently new. Yoongi reaches for Jimin’s hands again and starts putting them on on him. It reminds Jimin on the first day they met, when he'd forced his scarf on the cold-looking stranger, and he thanks himself for being late to the class that day.

After each finger fits into their slot, Yoongi studies his work for a while and then looks up at Jimin and smiles. “Now you can hold my hands without getting cold.”

Jimin wants to protest, but the gesture leaves him speechless and when he looks into Yoongi’s eyes, he’s lost once again.

 

Maybe, this time a little more than before.

 

Yoongi holds and tugs on one of Jimin’s hands to make him start walking, and Jimin staggers a little before regaining his consciousness and following the lead.

They walk to the bus station once again, as Jimin’s shared apartment isn’t that far as well. They keep holding hands the whole time, and autumn’s chill or not, Jimin feels as if he’s walking near the sun itself. His face and hands still feel cold, but the heat spreading inside of him is much stronger than any he’s felt before. They chat about everything and nothing really, Jimin complying to his reputation of chatterbox and Yoongi mostly listening and laughing.

The bus is already waiting for its last passengers, but they still have time to say goodbye, so they stop, facing each other and holding hands, Yoongi’s sickly pale and Jimin’s woollen with reindeers.

“That was a great date, hyung” Jimin says in sudden surge of confidence, and Yoongi smiles even more.

“Yeah, thank you for it, Jimin.”

Jimin wants to feel Yoongi’s lips against his own suddenly, the moment seems finally right, but before he can, he’s wrapped in the older boy’s arms and Yoongi is hugging him lightly.

“I’ll have my phone charged this time” he says quietly.

They they wave to each other as the bus leaves, and Jimin turns to go home, occassionally leaping in his step and smiling through the whole way. He doesn’t even remember until much later, that he’s still forgotten to ask about Yoongi’s home and school.

 

 

 

 

Jimin is busy with school and work for the next week, but that doesn’t stop him from smuggling his phone to the lessons and shifts. Yoongi keeps his mobile charged as promised, and responds to Jimin in matter of minutes, be it night or early morning. They text through days and nights, and although Jimin doesn’t have time to hang out with his friends, he doesn’t feel alone once.

He’s finally free on the weekend and Taehyung’s left to visit his family, so he has all the time and living space to himself. But all he wants right now, is to see Yoongi soon again.

 

me: hyung, im free this weekend, want to have sleepover?

 

Yoongi takes longer to answer than usually, and Jimin worries that his text might have been interpreted differently, than he planned.

me: i mean, we can watch ty movies, eat junk and then sleep… in different rooms…

yoongi hyung: I know how you meant it, Jiminnie. I was just thinking if I’m free, but it’s alright, I guess… I can come…

me: great! meet me by the convenience store at 8 on saturday?

yoongi hyung: Sounds great :)

Jimin squeels and throws the pillows from under him. It’s a date.

 

 

 

Jimin was planning on going out in comfy sweatpants and sports jacket to pick Yoongi up, but in the end, he ended up putting on his best pants and his most expensive beanie. He cringes when he sees himself in the mirror in their doorway, but he can’t change now, so he shrugs it off and leaves the apartment. Although, it’s really obvious, that he’s put efforts into it, he looks good.

The moment Yoongi sees him, he looks like he actually stopped breathing, rather than have his breath taken away. Jimin takes that as a good sign and greets the boy with smile, enveloping him in quick hug, which Yoongi retaliates.

"Hey there" he greets, when Jimin lets go off him. It sounds soft, and Jimin can feel the creeping feeling of blush finding his cheek once again.

 

Jimin leads them into the shop to get some snacks, but Yoongi apologizes, that he was a little sick these two days and he shouldn’t be eating anything at all, probably. Jimin stops smiling  immediately and Yoongi assures him, he’s fine now, just careful, and Jimin still ends up buying some apples to peel for Yoongi later

As it turns out, Yoongi didn’t bring pajamas with him, so Jimin ends up lending him his own and busies himself in kitchen while Yoongi’s changing in the bathroom. He’s grining, only thinking about his clothes on Yoongi.

“I don’t know how you managed it, but the clothes seem to be a bit loose…”

Jimin turns and gasps aloud. The T-shirt of his oversized pajamas is hanging on Yoongi as a rag, showing much more of skin that Jimin’s ever seen. His pale arms are wrapped in a  site of too visible blue veins, so are his collarbones, which are also very defined and there might be a bit of muscle on Yoongi, after all. In the white cloth, Yoongi looks more dead than ever, but to Jimin, he’s nothing but beautiful. He wants to go over there and hug Yoongi tight, but he controls himself and rather tells him, it looks okay and sends him to the sofa.

 

“Cute” he hears Yoongi chuckle, and he slaps his cheeks silently to stop blushing again.

“I’m not cute, I’m strong and manly!” he shouts jokingly, and hears Yoongi laugh in response.

 

 

Jimin is the one who ends up eating all the food he prepared. He feeds reluctant Yoongi two half-moons of the peeled apple, even though the older guy says he doesn’t feel like eating. It take Jimin half a movie to make himself go to the bathroom, even though, he doesn't really need to, and then sit closer to Yoongi by accident as he comes back. They sit side by side, touching only lightly, but still being so close, that Jimin can smell the odor of his own detergent together with Yoongi's unique smell of forest and rain. He doesn't think much longer before grabing Yoongi's hand and etwining their fingers together.

Yoongi grows a little stiff next to Jimin at that.

“Jimin” he speaks up softly “My hands are really cold, you know that. You don't have to force yourself, it's probably pretty uncomfortable…” he tries to extricate his hand from Jimin’s hold, but the younger boy only holds him tighter.

“I don’t care about that.” Jimin looks up and their eyes meet. “Holding hands shouldn't be about the temperature, don't you think? I... don't know why myself, but it just make me feel... good.” he says lamely "but if you don't like, we don't have to do it." he smiles reassuringly at Yoongi and loosens the strength in his fingers, to let Yoongi decide.

Yoongi studies his face for a while, the movie forgotten, and then presses into Jimin’s hand lightly. “No, I want to feel you close, too.”

Jimin doesn’t let go of Yoongi after that, even though the other boy's hand stays cold as the autumn weather whole night.

 

 

 

 

It’s after the third (and last) movie, that Jimin finds himself being shaken and he opens his eyes, realizing he fell asleep on Yoongi’s shoulder. The older boy is smiling softly as he ruffles Jimin's hair in a way, that’s becoming familiar.

“I think it’s time to get you into the bed.” he laughs a little and Jimin can feel the shaking of his body with his own.

He yawns, and even though he doesn’t want to leave Yoongi’s side, he nods, sits up and stretches his body a little. But when he tries to stand up, he wobbles suddenly and falls back, right onto Yoongi, knocking the boy down into laying position with him. Jimin’s head somewhere between Yoongi shoulder and side and soon, they are both gasping for air from laughing too much.

When they calm, Jimin moves his head, and it’s now on Yoongi’s chest and in much more comfortable position. But it’s not only that. Yoongi feels soft (but cold) under Jimin, this is the closest he's ever been to the other boy, and Jimin’s never felt more warm.

 

“Hey, you should really get into the bed.” Yoongi says as he reaches to pat Jimin’s back, not really ready to let go of that yet. It’s been a long since he’s felt somebody so close, and that somebody being Jimin, makes this situation even more unreal. He could lay with this warmth on his chest forever.

“But, so comfortable…” Jimin whines, and Yoongi doesn’t try to protest anymore. He is very sure, by this time, that he would do anything Jimin asks for. And if his cold body is what he wants, he can have it before the time of their sleepover runs out and he has to go back to his reality.

 

 

He’s too lost in his thoughts, that he doesn’t even notice when Jimin’s body goes rigid on his own. He keeps patting his back, thinking about dark forests and warm humans, and doesn't notice the way Jimin’s moving his head across his chest, becoming more and more hectic, searching for what isn’t there.

His sits up abruptly, and Yoongi finally notices something isn’t right. Jimin is almost as pale as Yoongi himself and his eyes are wide open in… fear.

“Hyung” he almost whispers, “I can’t feel your heartbeat…. I don’t…. you don’t… why can’t I find your heartbeat?”

He looks so scared and tiny, suddenly, that Yoongi only wants to hug him tight and never let go, assure it is alright and that it’s normal. But of course it isn’t normal.

Humans are suppossed to have a heartbeat. Humans are suppossed to have a body heat. They are suppossed to blush, and cry, and sleep… and Jimin seems to have come to the same conclusion.

 

Yoongi shakes his head slowly and smiles sadly. “That’s because there is none, you are right.”

 

Jimin is frightened, but he has to ask. To know. “How can you be alive and have no heartbeat?”

 

 

“You cannot. I’m not alive, Jimin, I’m dead.” he whispers and he’s not meeting Jimin’s eyes.

 

 

Yoongi hates to say it. He hates to hear it from himself. Jimin doesn’t deserve this, but he has to know. Yoongi shouldn’t have let this go so far, and now he’s broken Jimin’s heart, and maybe more.

 

There’s silence, only the regular tickling of the clock breaking it, and Yoongi cannot take it and he’s speaking suddenly, he doesn’t even know why.

“About three and half years ago, I was living and working in Busan. I’ve never left the city in my 21 years of life, and I never planned to. I lived pretty monotonous life - I slept, worked, ate and got myself drunk every day. Then one day, I don’t remember how, but I know I'd drunken a lot more than normally, I found myself in the middle of forest, standing on the road. There was a car… and a crash. The driver didn’t even stop to check what he hit… he just drove away, leaving my body in a bush where it flew during the crash. I knew I was dead, but I also wasn’t. My body wouldn’t move, my bones were broken and I spent a month in there, waiting for my body to start working again, watching cars and night animals passing by. I crawled deeper into the forest as soon as I could, and waited there for another three months for the bones to grow together again. Then I burned every evidence of my previous life and resettled myself to a forest near Seoul, where I live now….

I… I don’t sleep, eat, bleed, sweat, cry, drugs and alcohol have no effect, I don’t need to breathe. I cannot die fully, but my heart isn’t beating anymore. I… I tried getting a job few times, illegally, but people don't want to work beside me for my appearance. I occasionally help clean to the dishes in restaurants after they close, just so I have the little money to wash my clothes or body, when it’s too dirty, or to buy myself paper and pencils to write my music, when I run out. I’m… I cannot live a normal life, because I'm not even human anymore...”

 

At the end of his monologue, Yoongi is clenching fists so hard, that if it was possible, his nails would draw blood.

He realizes it and lets loose, but it takes him another seconds to overcome himself and look at Jimin. 

 

If his heart was beating, it would be clenched with pain right now.

 

Jimin was crying soundlessly, his tears and snot running down his face. His eyes were closed, he wasn’t looking at Yoongi. Of course, that he couldn’t, now that he knew.

Yoongi was shaking. From what he did to Jimin (even though he knew he would) and from the hatred he felt for himself.

“Jimin, …. . I…. I’m so sorry. I never wanted you to know. I didn't think. I felt so normal with you, so… so… humane, and happy, but in reality, I was only using you this whole time. I won’t ever forgive myself. I should… I should leave now, and you won’t ever see me again.” he leaped from his spot on the coach and without looking back rushed towards the front door.

He couldn’t look at Jimin. He couldn’t stay with Jimin. He couldn’t even hurt himself physically.

 

 

He was helpless.

 

 

There were fast steps and something appeared in front of Yoongi, and plunged his body back, right before he could reach for the door handle.

Jimin was standing in front of Yoongi, the hands that shoved him rested on Yoongi’s chest, and he looked furious, even through the tears and snot on his face. He wouldn’t meet Yoongi’s eyes.

“Can you give me a ing second to speak, before you decide what I think and want?”

They stayed quiet, Yoongi too shocked and Jimin gathering his emotions.

“Alright, there’s a lot of things, that I wish, I’ve learnt in a different way, and I could surely use some time to let it all pass through my head, but I think I know you enough and I’ve heard enough, to make conclusions on my own. There’s only one thing I want you to answer now, and after that you are free to leave or do as you wish.

Your body might not be working normally, but I have reason to believe your mind is human. If not, why did you keep meeting me all this time? Why did you buy me gloves and cared about me that way? Tell me, hyung, why did you pat my head all these times and called me cute or beautiful? Just this one answer… Then you're free.”

 

 

Yoongi was waching Jimin silently, taking in his anger and sadness, and even though his heart might not be beating, it was crying for the boy when Yoongi himself couldn’t.

“I… Because I was falling for you, all this time.” Yoongi whispered, his own voice surprising him.

Jimin was sobbing again, his tears bitting the wooden floor and his arms long went weak against Yoongi’s chest. He nodded, and finally met Yoongi’s sad, warm warm eyes.

 

“See, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your heart.” Jimin said and before Yoongi could register it, Jimin grabbed Yoongi’s cheeks and connected their lips together. Cold, but soft against warm, but wet.

 

It wasn’t perfect, but it was everything to them at the moment.

When they parted, Yoongi’s hands lay at Jimin’s waist and Jimin had his arms wrapped around Yoongi’s shoulders.

He smiled sadly, and put his palms against Yoongi’s cold, blue cheeks again.

“You’re blushing, hyung.” he whispered.

 

And truly, when Yoongi turned his head to look at himself in hallway mirror, there were pink spots on his cheeks.

 

 

 

 

(one month later, Yoongi shed a tear while watching the movie Hair with Jimin)

 

(two months later, Yoongi wiped his forehead after morning jog with Jimin)

 

(three months into their relationship, Jimin stopped wearing gloves to hold Yoongi’s hand)