I'm pretty sure you've seen this around the writers in such platforms, like them, my heart broke when the news broke. 

I was overseas when the story broke to me, I was down with slight fever and flu. I had only about 5 days before I would return back from from the overseas school trip. Getting ready to pack my luggage at the few gifts I've gotten for the people around me, I recevied a KKT text from a fellow roleplay friend, asking if I had known about Jonghyun. Had I was a Jinki-face claim-roleplayer, I thought she was talking about my roleplay (ex) boyfriend, who's face claim was Jonghyun. But when she said, no. It is about the real one. He is gone.

My whole world seemed like crashing down. I almost fell. I rushed to my bed and sat down, trying my best to not hyperventilate, I looked at Twitter (I had limited internet that I was able to use so I was not at Twitter for days already) and went scrolling through my timeline, seeing how everyone was not believing it. Seeing tweets how some already said words like RIP when SM had not given their official statement at that time. I kept laughing at myself, almost seemed like I was going crazy. I was thinking, how would my dear one choose to end his life? He couldn't have, right? All these news are fake, right? Some of the tweets I saw was saying how they prayed it was a prank and prayed that he'd left SHINee than to be forever gone. I just kept laughing, I kept laughing like I was mental. I was in denial. I kept tweeting that I couldn't believe the news, never, not till I see any confirmed news from SM. Was not going to trust anything on Twitter. I laughed, then I cried, then I spammed Twitter, then I cried again. At that time, I was sick, and I had no one by my side. My friends were all out exploring the city while I was trying to get my rest. I panicked. I wanted to text my friend, to ask her to come back quickly. But she had no internet access. I cried. I stared at my Twitter timeline endlessly. I kept telling myself, "This isn't real right? He really isn't gone right? How could he?"

But a part of me somehow knew things weren't pretty. A part of me knew how depression was eating him and a part of me knew that he was having a hard time and he could not fight pass the evil, mean, monster named depression. I texted my ex-boyfriend continuously. We both wished for a miracle to happen. I couldn't talk to anyone rl. No one knew how much I love SHINee. None of my friends are shawols, I can proudly go around and say that among my friends, I might have been the only one that only stanned SHINee since the start when I knew about KPop. I had a few friends that do know that I love SHINee or they too like SHINee but not like how I am, asking me if I'm alright, asking if it was true. I could not really reply. My replies were mad. I had I did not want to trust any piece of information, not until I see any from SM. Never. 

And that mental breakdown lasted almost 6 hours. 6 painful hours. I kept asking my ex-boyfriend if he saw any news, because half way through the tough waiting time, my friend returned and she asked me, "Hey are you getting better?"

Me being me, holding in my tears, I bluntly replied "Nope. Because I received news that Jonghyun decided to give in his life and he isn't here anymore." (I did not say these words, I said harsher words that I do not wish to type out because I decide to respect Jonghyun's decision and not mention the method of him giving his life away.) She did a small scream and jumped onto the bed, looking at me, she knew. My friend knew how much I liked SHINee. It was to the point where when they would fangirl about BTS, I smiled because I was not up to date on their songs, until she updated me, and I appreciated the music. When Wanna One promoted, I didn't listen to their songs until my friend pestered me to play the song, I appreciated the song, I like to see Kang Daniel when I watched Key on Masterkey. But that was it. I could not bring myself to like other groups, any other group than SHINee. And she knew that. She was saying how he was her bias until she moved on to other groups, and I could not say anything. I just smiled. Because I didn't know what else to reply. 

Since she went out, she fell asleep earlier than me, or, rather, I could not sleep. I just kept scrolling my timeline. But my heart dropped when my ex-boyfriend told me, "I think I might have seen something I was dreading to even see." 

That was when I knew, everything was over.

I just kept crying. I knew I could not accept it, but I had to. I saw SM's official statement. I saw how everything went down on my timeline. I saw how many brokedown because we all knew, we all lost someone important in our lives. And it was too heart breaking. I would cry myself to sleep unknowingly, and I would wake up hour later, looking out at the window, at the sky (because we couldn't close the curtains fully, I could still see a faint of the outside world through the semi-transparent curtains) thinking to myself, "Jonghyun is there... He is there... with my other 3 family members that too left this world this year" I couldn't sleep that night. I woke up at 430am. Thinking to myself, he really isn't here anymore. He became an angel already. What is this? Is this really true? 

I just couldn't stop crying ever since. Whenever I could be on Twitter, I would read tweets that would make me cry. I would stop my meal suddenly even if I was super hungry a minute ago, I just stopped eating and told my friend that I was full and I couldn't eat anymore. My other friends who came along the trip knew how I liked SHINee too. They approached me too, asking if I was alright, because my eyes were red. I just faintly smiled at them, telling them that even if I wasn't alright, life still goes on. I couldn't be like "No. I'm not fine, I want him back, alive." Because that wouldn't happen. He has upgraded now, he is now an angel there. 

I would be exploring the city, and I would cry. I would silence myself from the crowd when they were having fun, until they found me and tried to talk to me, trying to cheer me up. The intention was thoughtful, but I still could not accept it. I may or may not still not be accepting it now, but I still choose to believe and respect his decision and that he is happy there now. He finally found his peace, and I'm glad he is at peace now. 

By now, I honestly don't know what I've typed. I just remember the past week of my memories just playing like a flashback at the movies. Remembering it so clearly like as if it was just yesterday. There are many things that I missed out because I don't know, some are beyond words to describe, I guess. 

I hope he is fine, seeing how we saw that pearl aqua moon, seeing how many different signs people witnessed hinting that it might just be him, showing us that he is watching over us, I love that. I may or may not saw small signs too, but that was also why my heart felt at ease. It was heart warming because it was the brightest love I could ever witness, and I'm thankful for that. 

It has been days, yes, these few days I may still just be crying and such, but I kept thinking, as long as he is happy, I am happy that he is happy. It hurts, for sure. But what can I do? I can only take my time to accept this truth and slowly learn how to celebrate his life and enjoy and appreciate every single song he has produced. 

Therefore, meanwhile, I do not have the heart to write anything because like many others, I am still learning to accept. And to anyone that has managed to read until here, shawol or not, I am here to give you a big warm hug, because at times like this, we all need a little support from someone else because we might just be so lonely. And like what Jinki posted on his instagram earlier, always remember that someone else loves you more than you love yourself. Take as much time as you need to heal, but always remember, you have to take care of yourself after. If you still cry a lot? It is fine, just remember to drink water to replenish back that water. You can't sleep? It is fine, just don't go too long without sleep! You wouldn't want your health to drop drastically, he wouldn't want you to be sad and sick right? You can't find anyone to talk to? I'm here! Even though I might not even log back in here anymore, I am open for you to text and if I'm online, I am more than willing to talk to you! Please take care of yourself, each and everyone of you.

수고했어요 종현오빠...
I will miss you, I'm sorry, Thank you.