White.

The only color she remembered about him. The only color which reminded her of him. The color which suited him.

White.

His apartment's interior always got stuck in her mind. It was purely because his place was full of white. The ceiling, the walls, the floor and his whole bed.

She loved being in his bed. It reminded her of his scent. It was their cuddling place on every Friday and Sunday night where they hang out and watch marathon movies-including Harry Potter series and Pitch Perfect.

She remembered being in his arms. His warm arms which were always wrapped around her small waist. She loved being in that position. It made her feel loved.

Loneliness.

That was the only thing she felt right now. All the love he gave her she took it for granted. She didn't feel his love anymore. It was gone-just like the wind. Her heart ached. She doesn't even remember the last time they had meals together. She doesn't even recall the last time they spent together.

When was the last time I saw him anyway?

Chaeyeon lost track of time. Spending all her days inside the small apartment of theirs made her confused. She doesn't know what date it was and what day it was. How long she hasn't been outside, she can't remember. It felt too long.

She waited too long.

Jaehyun hasn't been back for a while. She glanced at the soft pillow beside her. It looked untouched and stagnant. How long has he not come back and slept there? She doesn't know. She doesn't even know why she doesn't remember.

You make me wonder about you.

Where are you?

Her phone had rung for about six times but she didn't bother to answer. She was too tired to talk. She was tired. Tired of everything. Tired of his absence. Tired of his presence. Tired of his love. Tired of life, honestly. Nothing much was going on and she just wanted to lie down and drown.

Her phone had rang again. This time, she actually answered the call. Not minding the caller, she kept mum-not even greeting a 'hello'.

"Chaeyeon?"

"How are you? It's been so long since we last talked. Are you doing fine?"

"You're not answering. That's alright. Have you eaten? Want to go out? I can come by. We can go somewhere and talk. Watch a movie or something?"

Movies reminded her of Jaehyun.

"Chaeyeon, don't forget to eat. It's not okay to keep on like this. You're going to get sick."

"I care, alright? I care for you. Don't be like this,"

"Are you feeling well? Have you been living right? How are you?"

"Please answer, it hurts me when you're like this. Just answer me, I want to know."

"Are you tired? You can rest. I'll come by later. I'll bring something. Does ice cream sound fine? Or chicken stew? Do you want wine? Let's drink, hm? Can that make you feel better? I shouldn't let you drink, but since I took a few days off, it'll be fine. I'll take care of you."

Chaeyeon gulped down a slump of saliva. Guilty conscience was killing her. She needed time. Especially, alone time. She didn't want to meet anyone. It didn't felt right.

Her fingers felt heavy. She gripped onto Jaehyun's pillow—pulling it close to her chest. Her nose picked up his usual scent. A scent she loved and was used to. A deep sigh left her dry lips. her dry lips, she could almost taste the bitter blood. It didn't set well with her but she wasn't in the mood to even move a muscle. A finger caressed her own lips. She can't remember much but she recalled what happened on that morning. He had pampered her with kisses right after he woke up and won't let her go for another 'five minutes' as he usually say every morning. She regretted stopping him. She regretted not kissing him back. 

I should have kissed you longer.

Who knew? 

"Please, be fine, Chaeyeon. I love you,"

Her ears perked up by the last three words. It reminded her of Jaehyun. The last time he said it was also on the call. Recalling the conversation, her head spun. Her memories were blurry and the only thing she remembered him saying was; "I love you, I'm sorry,"

"Let's go out today, please, not just for me, Chae."

Chaeyeon squeezed the pillow in her arms and leaned back onto the wall, facing the closed door. A picture frame was hung beside it. A picture of them both. A token from their trip to Osaka, Japan. Chaeyeon, dressed in a traditional kimono and Jaehyun in a yukata.

She closed her eyes shut-memories of the trip ran through her mind. That had been their first trip and probably the last too.

"Let's go and see Jaehyun today, okay?"

Hearing his name from Yuju's lips left her stunned. She wasn't ready to meet him. Not after what happened. She wasn't prepared to see him. She didn't want to look stupid and dumb. She didn't want to look weak. Not right now.

Not with him by her side anymore.

"Yuju,"

"Thank God you answered me, I was starting to worry. Thank you, Chaeyeon. I'm almost there. Another stop and I'll be there. Please open up the door, okay?"

"I want to see Jaehyun,"

"I know, Chaeyeon, I know. We will."

"Is he willing to see me?"

The line was silent and a sigh followed, coming from Yuju.

"He'll see everyone, Chae."

"He will?"

A soft sob came from Yuju and she sniffed. "Chaeyeon, please."

"Why? He doesn't want to see me?" Chaeyeon asked with a hoarse voice. She was getting frustrated and her heart clenched itself.

"Accept it, he's gone, Chae."

Chaeyeon put down the phone without hanging up. She had let go of his pillow just to stare at it. She sniffed his scent again.

How can he be gone when I can still sense him?

A few minutes later, the doorbell rang and rang. Chaeyeon didn't even move to answer it. She was upset. Upset at Yuju, upset at Jaehyun but mostly, at herself.

Why can't she just accept it?

The fact that he's no longer there.

Why?

The only reason Chaeyeon had was, she can still sense his presence.

And also white.

The white interior he loved.

The white color he loved most.

White as snow.

She remembered him calling her that once.

He loved white and she was his own white.