You were in the background again, for what seemed like the millionth time now since you started dating him. Sitting on a couch positioned right at the back of the large ballroom, you were surrounded by countless faceless, nameless celebrities yet all you could see was him and the way the other female celebrities were hanging off every word he spoke.

Jiyong had begged you last week to go with him to this party, stating that it was ‘small’ and ‘intimate’. Small and intimate my , you thought. Maybe to the great G-dragon this was small but not to you. He was only Jiyong, the shy guy that asked for your number at the coffee shop so many years ago and never let you go. Yet nowadays, it felt like the distance between you two was getting bigger and bigger, not just physically but also emotionally.

You knew you were never the prettiest girl or the smartest, nor the most popular girl but somehow Jiyong was attracted to you and fought to gain your affection. The effort and care he put in at the beginning of your relationship was what made you date him, regardless of the fact that he was a world famous idol and could cause severe complications to your private life but you let all the worries go because you began to love Jiyong for the man that he was when he wasn’t in front of the cameras or surrounded by fan girls.

Yet somehow, the worries began again, this time taking a hateful form and condensing into jealousy and envy that boiled inside of you every time you saw Jiyong with one of the models or other female idols that always seemed to follow him around and find any chance to talk to him and get close to him. You knew that you were nowhere near the level of those girls, in looks, brains or fame, with their perfect faces and bodies and other worldly statuses. You were just an average girl concerned with finishing university and finding a stable job and hopefully starting a family in the future.

But you couldn’t help feeling small and undeserving of Jiyong as the years went by, especially in big social events such as this party that he had dragged you to. The amount of women around Jiyong grew from each event to the next in parallel to the constant ascend of his face in commercials and shows. You knew it couldn’t be helped but that didn’t appease the green monster raging within your depths, threatening the very existence of your relationship and future because you knew without a doubt that if you told Jiyong, he would finally realise too, that you were just a place holder for the greater things in life he would achieve without you and just the thought of that was too painful for you to even comprehend, threatening to burst at the seams of your fragile heart.

Unbeknownst to you, Jiyong was watching you over the rim of his champagne glass while seeming that he was completely immersed in the conversation taking place. He couldn’t completely read the neutral expression you had on your face but after all the years you have spent with him, he could see something brewing behind your eyes. He didn’t know what but he could feel that he wouldn’t like it one bit.

As if you could feel his intense gaze on you, you glanced towards Jiyong, catching the gaze that had been on you all night without you knowing. Unable to take it anymore, you stiffly stood up and began to push past the crowd to the balcony, hoping that a bit of fresh air could clear up your head, and heart, but you knew it was a lost cause.  

You stood leaning against the railing in the balcony, the cold wind sweeping through your hair and on the tops of your shoulders but you didn’t feel the cold as your emotions swallowed you whole. The pretentious party and music was just a distant disturbance in the background as you looked out to the city lights on the horizon and contemplated what your next move would be about Jiyong.

Without a sound, you felt a warm presence at your back and an all too familiar scent engulfing you as a heavy coat was placed on you, one that you knew was custom made and too expensive to even think of the numbers. You stiffened, already knowing who this formidable presence was and wondering why he was out here with you and not with the numerous beauties inside the party.

“Y/N let’s go inside. You must be freezing here,” You could hear the concern in your voice but refused to admit it as anger began eating its way from inside of you.

“I don’t want to. You can go back inside and finish off your conversation Jiyong,” You said without turning around, the coldness in your tone surprising the both of you.

“What's that supposed to mean?” Confusion coloured his voice as he placed his hands on your now covered shoulders and turned you around so that now you had no choice but to face you.

“It means exactly what I just said. You know what, I’m just going to go home. I’ll see you at the apartment,” With that, you tried side stepping Jiyong and thought that he might actually let you go without an argument that would allow your pride to remain as you tried to leash the tears that chewed at the back of your eyes.

“Y/N, what’s going on? Just talk to me. I’ve seen how you’ve been acting tonight so just tell me what's wrong,” His exasperated and aloof tone felt like a slap in the face to you. Was he just that oblivious to what has been going on or does he simply not care? You don’t know which one would hurt you more.

“It’s nothing. I’m fine. I’ll see you later,” With your last attempt at escape, the leash holding your tears back broke as you turned your back to him and made your way to the exit.

You didn't have enough strength, physically or emotionally, to pull away from the firm grasp that was holding your forearm. Jiyong pulled you to him, diverting you from your unsuccessful escape and your last hope that he wouldn't see your traitor tears that were now making your foundation run and your mascara to smear under your eyes.

You refused to look up at this frame, still taller than you with your heels and small stature. You refused to allow him to see what months, even years, of being placed last on your mental ranking of all the females around him had done to you. You refused to allow him to see your ugly jealousy that wanted nothing more than to scream and shout at Jiyong until your throat was hoarse.

“Look at me Y/N.” When no answer came from you, he tried again. “Look at me Y/N damn it!”

You have never heard Jiyong raise his voice. Not to you or to anyone. Your surprise was reflected in your teary eyes when you glanced up at him, wondering why he was acting like this. What startled you even more was the glassy look in his eyes and the salty hints of tears threatening to escape the corners of his eyes.

“Jiyong…” You whispered, afraid that even the slightest sound would break the both of you.

“Y/N, I know I’m hurting. I know I don't deserve you. But please just talk to me! I’m tired of seeing the light in your eyes dim every day. Just tell me how I can fix this! You mean everything to me! I can’t take it if you say that… you and me… can’t… Just talk to me, please. I can’t take it anymore,” It looked as if it was too painful for Jiyong to even utter the words out that you had so traitorously thought about this whole night and the last few weeks.

You saw his tears spill and it made the hole in your chest even bigger. Of course you should have known that you weren’t the only one hurting. Whenever you hurt, Jiyong also hurt and vice versa, without even uttering one word.

“You want me to talk? Then fine I’ll talk. I’m tired of this Jiyong. How long did you think I could last with you when your life is based on being surrounded by women that are so much more than me in every aspect? I can't just stand around and wait for you to come home as you’re doing God knows what with those beautiful women inside. How can I not think that every moment is my last moment with you because every time I see you looking and talking to one of those women, I feel the fear in my heart that you’ll never look at me again when you can have someone so much better than me. Tell me Jiyong. How do you expect me to just stay by your side and do nothing as I watch you?” At this point, the tears mingled together and blurred your vision and your mouth was dry from letting out months of frustration and inferiority that has been increasingly building up inside of you.

Jiyong could do nothing but just stare at you slack jawed. He would have never thought that was the reason for the rising distance between you. Never could have even fathomed that you even felt this way. As he thought about the months, years, of him forcing you to attend lavish parties such as these and do nothing but talk to potential sponsors and celebrity friends as you were forced to do nothing but wait for him. His tears emerged again, thinking about how much his interactions with other females must have hurt you yet he still did not fully understand how you could come to the conclusion that he might leave.

Jiyong stepped forward and pulled you so close to him that he could now burrow his face in the crook of your neck. You could feel every jagged breath and salty tear that escaped him.

“Y/N… how in the world could you even think that I could ever leave you?” He now looked up and you had no choice but to stare into his deep brown eyes that seemed depthless and what was one of the many things you loved about this man.

“How could you think that I could survive without you in my life? I’m nothing without you. I love you. There could never and will never be anyone else that can mean as much as you do. All the other girls I talked to? I can barely remember their faces and names because all that is on my mind is you and your face when I talk to every single one of them. How could you think that you’re nothing compared to them when you’re the most beautiful woman to ever walk this earth? Y/N, I love you and I have since the day I accidently on purpose bumped into you to get your number. Please say you believe me,” His desperate pleas were empty to your ears because as you looked into his eyes, you could see the love and adoration he held for you and knew that every word he spoke was nothing but the honest truth.

You could do nothing but bury your face into his chest, ruining his previously white shirt as guilty arose within you for even thinking about leaving Jiyong for your petty insecurities. You knew Jiyong was the man you would spend the rest of your life with because no one has loved you or cared for you as much as he has in your entire life.

“I believe you Jiyong. I’m so sorry for being this way. I love you so much and I don’t know what I would do without you,” You mumbled into his chest, feeling the aftermath of embarrassment and shame that washed over you. You felt Jiyong your hair softly and he pulled you in closer to his body, allowing you to feel the warmth that has been missing for too long.

“It’s okay baby. You don't have to apologise. Let’s get you out of here and back home,” Returning home had never sounded better to you because you knew that home would always be where Jiyong was.