“Where are you going?” Joy asked suspiciously. It was far too late for a tteokbokki run, and Wendy was just a bit too dolled up for the convenience store, anyway.

“Wait, no… Wendy, we talked about this.”

Wendy tried her best to ignore Joy as she made her way towards their apartment door. Joy intercepted and grabbed her by the wrist.

“Don’t do it,” the taller girl warned.

“Joy,” Wendy said with a smile, not looking up. “Just let me go.”

“But… why?” Joy asked, holding onto the smaller girl firmly.

Wendy finally looked up at her with watery eyes. “Because… because if I don’t, I’m afraid she’ll stop calling.”

+++

It was infrequent, but every time her phone buzzed, she knew right away who it was. Who else would text her this late at night? There were so many times - every time, really - where Wendy debated not answering. She could pretend to be asleep already. She could say she was out.

But more painful than hearing her phone vibrate once again against the wood of her desk at 1 o’clock in the morning, was the possibility that she may never hear it again.

So she reached up and unlocked her phone, not even bothering to check the notification before opening the chat screen.

Seul: [Hey]

Wannie: [Hey.]

And so it went. It had been almost a year since they had broken up, but still Wendy responded. It had been months since they had dropped all pretense of conversation, but still Wendy couldn’t tell her no. It had been weeks since Joy had found out, but still Wendy left. It had been only days since their last liaison, but still Wendy was willing.

So as she stood there with Joy in her way - the strangest incarnation her conscience could have taken - she just had the most lifeless, resigned expression on her face.

“She’s hurting you.”

“I know.”

“So…?”

“I don’t know. Please, Joy,” Wendy begged in a weak, tired voice. She knew clinging to the ghost of their past relationship was unhealthy, but she was more afraid of making a clean break. It was better than being alone.

“Give me one good reason why I should let you go,” Joy said, knowing that if it came down to it, she was strong enough to literally carry Wendy back to her room.

“Because I still love her.”

Joy made a disparaging noise. “And? Do you think she still loves you? Would she treat you like this if she did?” Joy gesticulated as she tried to show Wendy the stupidity of the idea.

But Joy wasn’t there. She didn’t know Seulgi like Wendy knew her. She couldn’t feel how tenderly Seulgi always held her afterwards. She didn’t see that dark look Seulgi got in the morning, mentally beating herself up as Wendy got dressed to leave.

‘You don’t understand,” Wendy sighed. “It’s not like that.”

“Oh, don’t give me that bullsh*t!” Joy spat. “She’s the worst! Who does this to a person? Look at you! Can you really look me in the eye and tell me you’re happy like this?”

Wendy flinched under her tirade, and she knew Joy was right. She couldn’t lie. That fleeting moment in the dark, where the world revolved around just her and Seulgi - the only sound their breathing, the only sensation the contact of their skin - was always tainted by this notion. Of course she wasn’t happy. Of course she wished she wasn’t so weak. But tonight, like too many other nights this past year, she knew that even just for a moment she would be Seulgi’s again, and Seulgi would be hers.

And that was enough.

“You know, the Japanese have this saying,” Wendy started softly.

Joy rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, already crafting an argument against whatever point Wendy was about to make.

“It’s called wabi-sabi. It’s like… it’s like seeing the ‘beauty in the transience of things’.”

“Wasabi?”

“Wabi-sabi.”

“Whatever. You can’t use some literary philosophy to get out of this. This is real life, Wendy. Your life.”

“I’m doing the best I can,” she said with a half-smile. “I just don’t want to let her go. Not completely.”

The pain on Wendy’s face was the only thing keeping Joy between her and the door. It wasn’t fair for her to dig this deep into Wendy’s business. She was an adult and could make her own decisions, but Joy couldn’t let Wendy just go with a clean conscience.

“She let you go.”

But not completely, Wendy thought to herself. She knew Joy was just trying to help, and it was touching that the taller girl cared about her so much, but the anticipation of having Seulgi’s arms around her again was making it hard to see reason. She would have plenty of time tomorrow during the daylight hours for regret, but right now, she just wanted Joy to let her be.

She gently pried Joy’s hand off her wrist and reached around her to get the door.

Joy watched her with a dark look and eventually stepped out of the way.

“Can you at least promise me this’ll be the last time?” she asked.

Wendy turned and smiled at her sadly from the hallway.

“I don’t think I can.”