Sorry, if this looks really rushed (because it is). I feel really sad after reading that story and this is the only way I can to make myself okay. 

 

----------

 

There it is again.

The constant string of emotions I never understand whenever my eyes caught you.

Those simple glances, my stolen moments of you. They have gotten bigger into taking pictures of you discreetly, without your permission.

Because I can never deny how much I wanted to enclose you in a bottle to stare at you all day without distraction, without others blocking my sight and most importantly, without the fear of scaring you.

So I settled with hiding, my adoration made me into a stalker that I am. Well, your stalker, precisely. I held my camera close to me, ready to click and stole image of you every time I see you.

I always loved your stolen pictures, where I can feel you, the real you, so unguarded, vulnerable but pure. 

Your smile got me blinded, I literally sometimes stare into space after seeing your lips curved upward with so much happiness on your face. It was such a sight to see.

Maybe, someday, I'm not only going to see it through my camera lens and keep it mine, for my eyes only. But it was just a wishful thinking, I actually don't really held onto hope so much. Because I've already know what it feels like to get wishes unfulfilled.

---

I was surprised when I found you sitting in my class, especially if you are sitting on my seat. My feet stumbled backwards on its own, I can't keep close distance to you. I can't.

I feel like my chest getting tighter that I had to get out of the classroom before I die, before I die because of you.

Maybe, I am that normal teenager who feels undeniable attraction towards someone I adore. A mere attraction, right?

Tell me, how can I ever ignore a beauty like you?

My camera and I had it in common, capturing pretty things everywhere. Mine is you, you were my art.

--

I almost had a heart attack when you tap my shoulders after I took my seat.

"Hi"

I was wide-eyed at first, good thing, there aren't a lot of students inside the room that I was able to recover quickly.

"Hi"

I thought you already left but , you were standing right in front of my fcking eyes. You are within reach. Within arm's length, I don't know how did I manage to even breath and stay alive.

I can't really understand what you were saying because pardon me, I can't stop looking at you like you are the most beautiful daydream. I suddenly felt an itch to get my camera to photograph you. Because even just as simple as talking, you make it seem so mesmerizing, like you were casting some magical spell I would like to have.

Only then, my mind went back when you gestured to my seat mate, finding out she was a freshmen who will take advance lessons that is why (an unfamiliar person for me) you are there to help her socialize.

Apparently, you introduced her to me as your special dongsaeng and you hope I will take care of her.

But wait, did you just really call me by name?

"Lisa, please take care of dongsaeng Son Chaeyoungie"

You know me?

"Lisa?"

You smiled. . You did. You smiled at me. You smiled. 

Can I die? Give me a ing moment to absorb this.

Park Chaeyoung of music department knows me, Lisa, a thai, an arts major and a nobody.

Wth!

"Lisa-ssi?"

"Oh, oh yes of course"

"I'm sorry to this sudden request but I hope you will help my dongsaeng"

"S-sure but how did you know me?"

There was something in your smile that made me nervous like you know something you should never find out.

"How can I not know you? You are practically my constant audience"

She smiled at me pleasantly leaving me dead right where I stand.

Oh Rośe, please, how can you even notice me at a large crowd of students watching you perform in every contest you were in?

, did I just get busted?

---

We had interactions.

But I did not stop, I never stopped becoming your stalker. In every moment you have, I have a part of it to keep. I was not obsessed though I put all your photos on my secret wall.

No one can ever see this, especially not you. It was mine. It belongs to me.

All these shots are mine, inside my room I forget what it is like in reality.

Reality where you don't belong to me and I am just a tiny dot on the crowd watching and cheering for you.

I cannot really say we're close but because of your dongsaeng Chaeyoung's natural interest in art we had moments. Those conversations I deeply treasured though short but for me, all of those were enough to think as keepsakes.

Memories I held close to my heart.

That the art I've loved was once within my grasp.

We were polite with one another, I am of course a bit awkward with the person I tried so hard to hide my existence. But because you are always nice to all, I am no exception seeing your angelic side. 

There was this time, I saw you sitting alone. I was battling myself if I should just walk passed by you. Or get my camera and hide across the tree and take images of you secretly, like what I always do.

But my feet betrayed me when I saw your shoulders shaking. I sat next to you quietly and patiently, waited for you to calm down.

I don't know how it happened. But you buried your face on my shirt that I need to keep myself still from the physical contact.

Even when you made a mess on my favorite shirt, I can't still be mad at you. Your crying only made your cheeks bloom. 

Ah right, I have never told anyone that your cheeks are my most fave part of you.

----

"Do you hate me?"

I was shocked when you confronted me. Jennie and I were sitting at the canteen when you came up to me and asked me such a ridiculous thing.

But I wasn't a fool to declare I only adore you. I spent almost 3 years of stalking you. Does that still looks like a simple attraction.

Thought I can't just simply tell you what it really was.

I can't speak for a moment. Because I did not expect you to ask me or to even talk to me. I don't know.

There was disappointment swimming in your eyes. Considering, I went to my ninja mode (hiding/stalking) again after being so close to you for the first time.

"Why are you treating me like I am no one? Did I do something that upsets you?"

"I only want to be friends with you, why is it so easy for you to ignore me?"

"Why are you so frustrating? After that, that time, whatever you know what I am talking about you never seemed to notice me!"

I don't know why but she looks so stressed about me. I don't know how to react. Of course she is Park Chaeyoung the nicest girl and my first crush. How can I respond to all those questions she asked?

"Lisa-ssi, answer me. Do you hate me?"

I don't, in fact, the scariest thing I ever had to face was the realization that I am falling in love with you.

"I do"

Fck, I just made her cry.

"Your voice, it irritates me"

I lied. Because being close to my subject means danger. So I had to push her where I can have my safe distance placed between us.

"What are you doing Lisa?"

Jennie was shocked to hear my answer but she kept her voice low, asking me why the hell I did such crazy thing.

But more than anything else, the weight my lies put on my shoulder were nothing compared to the heaviness in my chest when your eyes were getting clouded by tears.

I could never dislike you but at that moment, I knew you are going to hate me.

----

Years had gone by and I am still your most dedicated stalker. 

I did it successfully, I created that distance between us and suddenly it grows uncontrollably. You were out of reach, again.

You became what you dreamt of. A singer. A kpop idol.

You and Jennie were in the same group. I visited Jennie one time inside your company. We crossed paths but you treated like I was invisible.

Jennie looked at me with sympathy in her eyes.

"Oh unnie"

She shook her head.

"You should not have said that"

"I can't go back to past, can I?"

"You are silly"

"C'mon let's eat"

I just wanted to keep my mind out of the context of Park Chaeyoung. I don't know if you noticed but every time I visit Jennie unnie, it was only an excuse to see and stalk you.

"She'll have her name as Rośe"

"Rośe? It sounds pretty"  

Suits your pretty face anyway.

"Lisa, if you don't correct your misunderstanding now, it would be hard to for the next few years. So, make a move to clear it up and it is hard for me because you hurt her and I can't tell her that you don't mean it. I don't want my friends not getting along with each other."

"I don't intend to correct what she was thinking of me. This is what I wanted."

"You are such a fool, Lisa. You will regret it"

I smiled painfully. I did. I regretted it the moment those words left my mouth.

I looked over where you are, you were laughing with whatever Jisoo unnie told you. I just really can't control myself and get my phone to capture you again.

"You're unbelievable, Lisa"

"Whatever, Jennie unnie"

---

"Do you like Jennie unnie, Lisa-ssi?"

I, again, was dumbfounded because after so many years you approached me. I was holding a bouquet of flowers.

After your group's successful debut, I wanted to congratulate Jennie and Jisoo unnie. They've come along way. But the truth, the roses are for you. 

Maybe, Jennie unnie is right, I have to clear the misunderstanding between us but I doubt it will, so I decided to just apologize and never show my face to you. Being on a ninja mode to stalk you peacefully.

"Huh?"

"Nevermind, not like I care"

I tilted my head, where did the sweet and nice Chaeyoung go?

Fine, it was my fault.

I mustered all the courage before running after you.

"Chaeyoung"

You turned around while frowning so hard.

I suddenly thought the floor is interesting too, I mean I had pics of you while singing literally on the floor. My stalker mode was definitely distracting. 

Everyday I took countless pictures of you. I stare at you longer than I should have. I had met your eyes many times.

But when you are right there, the real you, not the photographs, I can't look at you without my camera.

I am afraid without it, you'll see what I was hiding.

Maybe my eyes would give it away. The love I had for you. I thought if we were away and far from one another, I could eventually forget my genuine feelings for you and just be deemed as your stalker.

But my genuine feelings are getting stronger. Even my desire of talking to you to get back what I told you before in college is growing.

I don't know, I am just this photographer who easily fall for beautiful things.

Like you.

"This is for you. Congratulations."

I left you alone. I don't know if you will read my letter because I know you still hate me.

Because if I stayed for another minute, my heart is out of my chest.

---

It's been a while since the last time I saw you. I mean stalked you, I was caught busy with the requirements the magazine needed me to submit. I stopped taking pictures of you after you debut as Rośe.

"Son Chaeyoung"

"Sir?"

"Take Lisa with you, go to YG"

I stared at him because I wasn't the one who are assigned for idols. I mean I do photoshoots with them. But not unplanned and without knowing the reason why.

"There is a dating scandal, get their statement and maybe, an exclusive image"

I know what he wants. Dating pictures, what is this company, dispatch? 

For goodness sake, if Chaeyoung did not drag me here for some part-time job before I get into the magazine company that I really dreamt of.

Son Chaeng became a photojournalist instead, she said she had to shift cours because people around her kept on pressuring her. I understand her situation tho, my family never opposed what I want.

"Seriously, Chaeng pass that resignation letter and come with me"

"Unnie, I am not as talented as you"

"C'mon, you can write, paint and take photos. What is there that you can't do?"

"Unnie"

"Fine. So what is with YG, who's dating?"

"It's Chaeyoung unnie"

"What?"

My first love is dating. 

It's like the world is ending. And that's not a joke. My world is ending. Fck

I captured it. You and him. I know that you are probably aware that I have your photos together.

The company I worked part-time for are bribing me with all the resources they have to get evidences. But I am not going to give them these. Not that I let them find out you are dating. 

YG denied it but with your smile, I know you just fell in love too.

They are your happy moments. I vowed to capture everything you are experiencing even when it hurts my eyes, I still did. 

Because I love it when you are the happiest.

And if it's with him then, I will photograph you together.

---

"Thank you, Lisa"

I was surprised when Jennie unnie said, you wanted to talk to me, apparently, I have been meeting Jisoo or Jennie unnie secretly because I don't want to show my face to you after I gave you the letter and those roses.

"I know you have those but you never let it out in the open"

"I don't know what you are talking about"

Of course, I know it, I am the number one stalker, right?

"Thank you" 

You sighed then held my hand which is gripping the cup tightly.

"I know you protected me"

I looked at you for a second, I missed that gentle tone on your voice.

Do you not hate me anymore?

"And what you said back then, I know you didn't mean it. I receive your letter, I thought we can get to talk after that but you disappeared again."

"I'm sorry"

"I forgave you already, Lisa"

The awkward thai girl talking to a korean girl from Australia, I don't think it was a bad sight.

Rather, I did not know it was the start of something unexpected.

---

"Here"

You were crying at some sad movie you forced me to watch.

Rośe of Blackpink is such a crybaby. I should have listened to Jennie unnie that I have to buy boxes of tissue for you.

But then, since I didn't I let you borrow the shirt I was wearing and yes your tears are spilling and wetting my shirt again. We became close because you never let me out of your sight again. You asked Jennie and Jisoo unnie where I worked and suddenly showed up to get me.

Then that is where it started, you hanging out with me. Treating me as close a friend. Don't get me wrong, I love you but because you are aware of me, I can't take pictures of you. I can't get my camera and focus it on you. 

"I just wanted to be friends with you that time. Lisa, why do you have to push me away?"

I got startled when you suddenly stop sobbing and sniffing. Your face was dangerously close to me. 

"Why did you lie?"

"What do you mean?"

I looked away and moved quietly but you held me in place.

"I know you are watching me in every contest in school. Do you think that I don't notice you?"

I did not speak instead I moved away again but I failed.

"Sigh... I can't believe I even asked Chaeyoung to take photography class just to talk to you."

"What?"

I am confused.

"And I can't believe I had to get into that fake dating scandal to make sure you'll come back! You are such a frustrating person, Lisa."

"What're you talking about?"

"Is there really no other way to tell you, hmm?"

You moved so fast, so quick that it only took you seconds before your lips landed on mine. Then, you buried your red face on my neck.

While I remained frozen, I don't know what to do.

My first love kissed me. 

"Do you hate me, Lisa?"

I answered wrongly before, I would be a fool to repeat it.

"I don't"

"Good, because I like you"

You smiled widely. You look so pretty, Chae.

Ahhh I wanted to get that on my camera. 

----

We grow closer, almost as if I can be Blackpink's fourth member. Because she always call me to make sure I know their schedules and asked me to watch them.

Also, she even asked me to be a fan site master of her but I declined and told her I actually had more photos of Jennie unnie and other idols on my cam, which of course, not true. But that got her upset the whole day, almost depressed, I just did't think she'll take it seriously. If she only knew my whole life is dedicated on capturing her though I doubt she would unless she'll see my camera and wall. 

Because I am working a magazine company, I can't avoid having photoshoot with idols especially other girl groups like Blackpink though I am really thankful YG hasn't let our comapny do covers for Blackpink because I am sure I will not be able to stay and do my job correctly. I bet instead of Blackpink, my camera will only focus on her, on my one and only Roseanne Park. 

And it is really surprising when she always welcome me like this after work.

"Why are you late?!"

"I had some photoshoots to do"

"With whom this time?"

"Uhhh twice"

"Twice?!"

"Uhmm yes"

"you enjoyed taking pictures of them, didn't you?"

"uh of course they are so professional and nice to work with"

"tsk right.. You'll say that because they are pretty"

I didn't hear it properly because she murmured under her breath.

"what?"

"Nothing"

I really don't understand your mood sometimes. Why are you getting angry after knowing who are the models I am covering?

There your are after making me get to you quickly, you are ignoring me. What did I do?

"Jennie unnie, what do you think I did this time?"

"Tsk, good luck Lisa"

Or when I am close with Jennie unnie you will be next to me and drag me to your room.

"What are the two of you whispering about?"

"Uh it's uhmm nothing... Just non-sense things, Chae"

"Right"

You rolled your eyes and sat quietly at the corner of your bed.

"Chaeng"

You did not even bother to turn to me.

"Chaeng"

I subtky stole glances at you, because clearly you are not in the mood. But why? Is it something that I did? I mean why are you ignoring me, you called me to get in your dorm quick but now, you don't even pay attention to me.

"Chaeng"

Your shoulders are shaking and your silent sobs are getting louder little by little. You started crying suddenly. I am panicking what the hell, why are you crying?!

I hugged you and kept on calming you down but there is one thing I notice, even at your wrecked state. At your supposed ugly moments, I still found you so perfect in my eyes.

"Chaeng, shhh"

"You are so frustrating"

I never understood what she meant by that.

"I am sorry"

"Did you not think I really mean it when I said I like you?"

She glared at me with those puffy eyes.

Her cheeks red from crying. How can you manage to still look so beautiful in my eyes, Chaeng?

"Park Chaeyoung, didn't I also made it clear that I don't hate you?"

This time, I knew what it was. I knew she thought I liked other girls not her. 

I was about to kiss her but I can't let this moment slip.

"What are you--?"

I held my cam in front of her and took a pic of her messy look. 

"Yah! Lisa-yah! Delete that!"

You kept on trying to get my cam. But I know better how to stop chipmunks like you from talking.

I kissed you.

Because I do really mean it when I said I don't hate you. 

I don't hate you, Chaeyoung-ah. 

---

"Remind me again, why do you have to do that?"

"The dating scandal?"

"Yes"

"Because you promised to disappear on your letter and I know a ninja like you is hard to find, not unless I do something crazy to get you out from your cover."

"Of course I am good at hiding"

"You mean stalking"

She laughed at me.

"Yah, Park Chaeyoung!"

"Just admit it, you are so head over heels for me"

I moved closer to you and embraced you with the hope that you would hold me still while I fall for you deeply.

"I do, I am in love with you"

"I know and I love you too"

You smiled, a smile different from the rest, a smile that you found contentment and happiness.

I know I said I have to get my camera to immortalize you, to keep you on the side of my imagination where you belong to me, but I don't need it anymore.

My eyes were there to get your smile imprinted in my memory forever. 

"And I still can't believe you are jealous of Jennie unnie"

"Yah, Lalisa!"

Maybe, I'll be a camera and you'll be my muse.

Let me have this photograph of ours on my wall, where my reality revolves around loving you.

I love you, Chaeng.