jiwoo was sixteen and it was in the summer after her first year of high school when she met somin for the first time. the latter was her waitress at a diner then. her forty-ish minutes long dinner led to them locking eyes several times, and jiwoo swears that everything around her slowed down; and it was somehow like they were the only people there.

that same night, she waited until the other girl's shift was over before awkwardly asking somin out on a late night movie date, to which the brunette surprisingly agreed. jiwoo awkwardly walked her home after that.

somin gave her scarf to jiwoo because it was kind of chilly despite it being a midsummer night.

"your perfume is delightful." jiwoo coughed out in the midst of their awkwardness.

somin stopped in her tracks and turnt to look at the other girl. they stood their looking at each other in silence, and jiwoo wanted to slap herself upon realizing how weird she must have sounded.

they kissed for the first time then; under the street light with somin slightly standing on the tip of her toes and shyly pressing her lips against the corner of the taller's mouth.

jiwoo's breath got caught in , went dry and her knees almost went weak if it wasn't for her fast grasp of the situation.

they lingered there for a few seconds before she eventually pulled back, her cheeks reddening under the dim glow from the street light above.

they were certain that what they had was more than just a passing fling.

and a passing fling it wasn't, fast forwarded to now; they're in their third year of college and their relationship is still going strong.

or at least that's what jiwoo has been trying to convince herself.

somewhere between countless all-nighters and ramen for meals, jiwoo finds herself thinking a lot. about things, about people, about life, about her feelings.

on days she gets to sleep though, like today, jiwoo finds herself waking up in the middle of the night and looking over to her left. and like always, her girlfriend is sleeping soundly next to her. her chest rising softly up and down.

small eyes, thin lips, gentle smile; she still looks exactly like the girl she fell in love with.

except jiwoo just doesn't feel the same way as she used to, and it terrifies her to even think about the possibility of it. she must have stared for what felt like hours as somin's eyes suddenly fluttered open, staring at her with both curiosity and worry.

"are you okay?" she asks, her voice soft and caring. somin reaches out to touch her face, gently like she always has. but somehow, her touch doesn't give jiwoo the calmness and comfort it once did anymore. the sparks that once ignited when her fingers touched her skin are no longer there.

jiwoo stares, she continues to stare into those brown orbs that hold warmth and reassurance, searching her own heart for the same warmth she once felt for the girl lying next to her.

there is nothing other than guilt that she finds. not love, or hatred, or anger, or disappointment, just guilt. guilt of having to pretend that everything is okay, that she still loves her as much as she did when they first got together. and so she can only say,

"no, it's nothing." and gives her a smile.

jiwoo can only hope that her smile looks sincere enough. (even though in the back of her head she knows it's nowhere near that.) and she hates how her heart doesn't skip a beat when somin leans in closer and gives her a tender kiss on her forehead.

she pulls the latter into a hug, tightening her arms around her.

as somin shifts into a comfortable position in her arms, the guilt strikes again.

she does not feel the same.

she does not love the girl in her embrace anymore.

and then it hits her; she has fallen out of love.

jiwoo closes her eyes and tries to drift off to sleep.

∞∞

jiwoo is driving down the street towards their apartment when somin tells her she loves her.

jiwoo finds it hard to say that she does as well. that she loves her, too.

because reality is she does not. and she hates pretending to feel something she does not. she wants to tell somin right there and then that she's sorry but this is not going to work out. that somehow she thinks this is the end of their five-year relationship where they once made vows to be together forever.

but when the light turns red and she turns to look at somin; somin jeon with wind in her hair and a smile so bright it can outshine the sun, jiwoo's words got caught in . and she briefly wonders if she will ever be able to tell her everything when somin always looks at her with nothing but so much love in her eyes.

∞∞

and like the idiot she is, jiwoo starts avoiding somin so she wouldn't have to deceive herself and pretend like everything is still the same. like she still loves her just the same.

because she does not.

∞∞

somin is stubborn.

and jiwoo used to find her stubbornness endearing, but now it's just straight-up frustrating.

especially when she's no longer in love with her.

same goes for the habit of tapping her fingers against any hard surfaces within her reach (which is in this case, their coffee table) whenever she's impatient.

"will you ever stop doing that? you're distracting me." jiwoo almost yelled in exasperation.

she hears somin scoff from across time room, from her position on the floor next to the couch and of course, the darn coffee table.

"i will stop when you decide to tell me what's up with you." she answers disdainfully.

jiwoo sighs in annoyance. "what? what's up with me?"

her question is met with silence and she turns around only to face with a dejected somin standing in front of her.

all the anger in jiwoo was gone, replaced with an overwhelming amount of guilt.

"what's wrong? you're avoiding me. it's been awhile since you've been acting so unlike yourself. is it because of me? did i do something wrong?" she paused as her voice cracked.

"because if i did then i'm sorry, please know that i didn't mean to make you upset."

before she knows it, the words already slips out of and there is no way she could take it all back.

"i don't love you anymore."

she could feel somin freeze. she wants to slap herself for being so reckless. but the deed has already been done. a voice in her head said.

"w-what?" and like that, somin breaks down onto the floor.

but somehow even when somin is crying, jiwoo's heart doesn't hurt. maybe it's because all she could feel right now was guilt and guilt only. there was no room for sadness.

"i'm sorry, i really am. i don't know how to describe it. i did love you then, but it's just that now i don't. i don't know the exact reason behind this either. maybe we just outgrew each other. maybe i got tired of being in love."

somin stays silent and the only sound in the room was her soft sobbing, so she continues.

"not being in love with you anymore makes me want to cry. it suffocates me. it makes me feel awful knowing that i once promised you a forever only to break that same promise with my own hand.

you're really precious to me, but i'm not in love with you anymore. i don't know when or how it happened, but somehow after being together for so long, my feelings for you changed.

i'm sorry that i couldn't be the person who deserves you. i want to be someone who could promise you forever and really give it to you.

i hate myself for breaking your heart. i hate the fact that i feel nothing for you other than guilt. and for that, i am sorry. i will always be sorry for breaking your heart." she finishes.

the only reply is the sound of other sobbing louder.

jiwoo bends down next to her. somin looks so small, so fragile, as her body shakes from the impact of crying, the muffled sound of her cries echoing throughout their living room.

jiwoo wants to hold her in her arms and tell her that it's going to be okay and that's she's sorry, but she doesn't.

because if she knows that if she does, it will only fuel somin's feelings for her.

so she does what she thinks is the best for the both of them. she gets up and heads towards the door.

i'm sorry, somin, i'm really sorry.

jiwoo steps out, closing the door behind her.

∞∞

it's been five months now, and they haven't spoken from that day onwards. jiwoo moves out of their shared apartment and into her own. she also mails back all of somin's things that were left there.

life is going rather smoothly except for that fact that it feels like something is missing. and jiwoo doesn't want to admit it but she misses being with somin. she also doesn't want to admit
the fact that she has somin's scarf, which she couldn't find it in her to give back.

maybe it's because it reminds her of when they first met; when their relationship was still new and fresh, when even a small kiss was exciting and when the fact that their hands fit so perfectly together made them blush a crimson red.

do i miss her? or do i miss being in love?

∞∞

jiwoo sits up. the digital clock on her nightstand reads 3:40am and she sighs. she had gone to bed early at 10-ish pm, hoping to finally get a good night's sleep, only to spend the whole night turning and tossing around.

she had expected to fine by now, had convinced herself that she was just lonely and that it wasn't somin that she misses.

and it didn't work.

she does miss somin, she admits it now.

and before she realizes it, jiwoo is already out the door.

∞∞

jiwoo finds herself in front of the doorstep of what once was hers and somin's shared apartment. she isn't sure how she gets here, or how she even managed to drive all the way from her house to here, given her current state of mind. she takes a deep breath and reaches out to press ring the doorbell.

approximately three minutes later, the door opens. somin stands in front of her, her hair in a mess and her eyes puffy.

"j-jiwoo?" she squeaks in surprise.

"i'm sorry!" jiwoo exclaims.

"wha-" somin starts but gets cut off by the rambling jiwoo.

"i know i've said it a million times but i still feel the need to. i'm sorry for leaving you. i'm sorry that whatever good memories we had before are now tainted with sadness and despair. i'm sorry for hurting you and breaking your heart. i'm sorry for leaving you.

you deserve someone who could understand everything about you better than i ever did, someone who could give you all the love and happiness that you deserve, give you all the things that i couldn't.

but i'm a selfish idiot who still wants you to give me another chance even after breaking your heart. and i know that i've said so many hurtful things to you and that the magic and sparks aren't there anymore but i'm hoping you're willing to give it another try because after five months away from you, i realized that i'm not willing give up on you and everything we had just yet."

somin lets out a loud cry. and jiwoo feels horrible.

"god, i'm making you cry again. i'm so sorry, forget i ever said anything. i shouldn't be asking for you to take me back when what i did to you was so unforgivable. i'm sorry for repeatedly hurting you, somin, i'm sorry i'll leave now."

she turns to walk away but a hand grab her arm and pulls her back and now somin is crying into her chest while she's standing there, stunned at what's happening.

but then she reaches out and puts an arm around the shorter girl, and suddenly everything is right and okay again as jiwoo runs her fingers softly through somin's hair.

"i miss you." she mutters.

somin cries harder into her chest.

∞∞

the room is silent as jiwoo's gaze is everywhere but the girl sitting across from her.

"i'm sorry." she apologizes, looking down to avoid somin's eyes.

"stop staying sorry." somin retorts.

"i'm sorry for saying sorry." she apologizes again.

it was silent again so she looks up. somin stands in front of her, a grim expression plastered on her face.

"are you back for good?" she asks.

jiwoo almost chokes on her own spit.

"huh?"

somin sighs.

"i said are you back for good," she pauses a little before continuing.

"because if you are, i'm willing to forgive you."

jiwoo's jaw almost dropped from the shock.

"are you serious? you're forgiving me? even after all i did?" she prates on.

somin gives her a small smile.

"maybe it's because i'm an idiot who loves you so much, too much even, but i'm willing to forgive you."

jiwoo's eye brim with tears as she stands up to an eye-level with somin.

"i'll do better. i won't hurt you anymore i promise."

now she is certain that somin jeon is the right person all along and she was an idiot for letting go of her back then.

her hand finds its way into somin's and as they intertwine, jiwoo realizes; nothing will ever live up to this moment.

∞∞

"oh and by the way, i kept your scarf, the one you gave to me on the day we first met."

"why?"

"something in me told me i wasn't ready to give it back to you just yet."

"you're such an idiot."

"i love you, somin."

"i love you, too, idiot."