You’re the Ideal I’ve Never Expected

Kim Yongsun thought she understood herself.

She knew what she liked, what she disliked, what got her going, what made her frown. She could tell you her ambitions, her hopes; her future, written in a diary when she was merely eighteen. She could spell out the many ideals she had and achieved over the years.

She could tell you the ideal person she pictured herself falling in love with.

Yongsun’s ideal person, like every other ideal she had, was attainable. Slightly vague but realistic enough to be found and kept in her life.

“I’d like someone who smiles nice and is, you know, happy in general.” Yongsun lit up her own smile at that, whenever people asked her.

That really was the main gist of her ideal man. Although, over the years and through a few relationships, she did get slightly more specific. Short, black hair (Yongsun didn’t know why exactly, but it happened), stable, caring, looks good in suits.

“Are you serious?” Wheein cackled, when she heard Yongsun’s latest addition to her ideal type. “Suits? Why suits?”

Yongsun flashed a smile that was between embarrassed and dreamy. “I’ve been watching this American drama…”

“Wait. Honestly?!”

“Yeah, anyway most people look good in them, so it’s not impossible!”

Wheein wagged a finger, following up with disapproving jabs to Yongsun’s cheeks. “If you’re gonna set such stupid-” Yongsun glared. “-okay, simple criteria, at least make it ‘looks dropping gorgeous’ in suits.”

Yongsun sighed, “Ugh. I don’t need that.”

“Says every other girl before meeting someone who makes their drop.”

Wheein raised her eyebrows victoriously and Yongsun shook her head at her friend.

 

***

 

Yongsun thought she understood herself and understood what she was looking for in her ideal man.

Proven wrong.

And Wheein might just be right.

Otherwise, it wouldn’t make sense how her senses would go into a full smitten mode and how her heart would start beating crazily when Moon Byulyi was in the proximity.

Moon Byulyi, with her breathtaking silver hair that reached beyond half her back. Brooding and bordering on cold. Detached personality. To top it off, she was serving community service hours because she broke some law.

Everything absent from Yongsun’s ideal checklist and, a girl.

“Could you pass me that?”

“Yip!” Yongsun squeaked, cheeks heating up. Yongsun would like to think there was a shift in expression on Byulyi. “I mean yep!”

Yongsun handed the paint brush to Byulyi and watched her reciprocate with a nod as thanks.

Moon Byulyi had an awful indifferent streak and Yongsun found herself wondering if the girl was a tad bit nicer to her.

Probably not, but Yongsun could dream.

So Yongsun filled the gaps with her own reasoning; anyone would be surly (wrong, the morally upright voice sounded out in her head, repentful is the word) when they were sent to the orphanage to do community service.

Especially someone as attractive as Byulyi.

On Byulyi’s third day, Yongsun was starting to be tired of her own weak heart that paced itself according to her distance from Byulyi.

She gave in. No use fighting this attraction even though Byulyi was far from who she had expected herself to fall for. At least she had one consolation in the form of how Byulyi fitted snugly into her ideal of love at first sight. Only problem though, was that it was her ideal at the young age of thirteen.

Coincidentally, Yongsun was twenty-nine and having a major dropping crush.

 

***

Yongsun concluded, kind of unhappily, that she wasn’t the only one developing this crush. Byulyi was undeniably attractive and, just maybe, her lack of words and perchance to keep to herself had wrought into a mysteriousness that drew people to her.

It made her feel better because she wasn’t being weird.

Then, it made her feel worse. Much, much worse.

Because, holy , competition! And Yongsun would admit easily that competition had never been her strongest suite.

“Unnie.” A whisper slipped into her ears, startling Yongsun, who had been unconsciously gazing at Byulyi longingly.

“Oh my god,” Yongsun gasped, upon turning and a cheeky Wheein came into view. “Wheein! You scared me!”

“You wouldn’t be if you weren’t focusing all your attention on her.” Wheein smirked. “Is that her?”

“Yes. So shush.”

Wheein’s grin stretched on for miles and Byulyi chose this extremely opportune moment to glance in their direction. Yongsun’s cheeks burnt even though the other girl barely spared them an emotionless gaze.

“Woah, I hate to say it but you’ve got it bad.”

“Hey!” Yongusn swiped at Wheein’s arm. “You’re exaggerating.”

“Should I go over and talk to her? Chat her up?”

Wheein smirked playfully and Yongsun wondered why on earth did she pull Wheein into volunteering at her workplace. But the kids adored Wheein so she didn’t have any other choice.

“Whatever, it’s up to you.” Yongsun stopped, stilled and narrowed her eyes. “Actually, no. What are you gonna do? You’re being so-”

“Jealous?” Wheein guffawed.

“I’m not!”

“Look,” Wheein wheezed out, between uncontrollable laughter, pointing to the ground. “What’s that?”

Yongsun scrutinised the floor beneath her feet. Nothing.

“What?”

“Look carefully!”

“What?!”

“Your dropped.”

Wheein heaved from laughing and Yongsun wished she could be hard-hearted enough to commit murder.

 

***

 

In the second going on to third week of Byulyi’s presence at the orphanage, Yongsun got the chance to hear the story from Byulyi herself.

It ended up as more of a single word summary but Yongsun wasn't that fussy about details.

“Vandalism,” she said simply, while her hands worked tirelessly to scrap off old paint to prepare for the new coat.

Yongsun was tasked to bring a ladder to Byulyi and she watched the girl, with slight worry, as she climbed up and began working.

“Uh, how many hours do you have to serve for that?”

Byulyi dropped her gaze from the pipe to Yongsun. She returned it, wide-eyed and tried her best not to look too enamored.

“Hundred and eighty.”

Yongsun mumbled a soft ‘oh’ as her brain whizzed to find topics to talk about but came up with blanks.

She never had problems with starting a conversation. Nothing explained why would topic cease when she wanted to know everything about the girl.

With both Yongsun's body and brain seizing up, Byulyi broke the silence instead.

“Shouldn’t you already know that?”

“Huh?”

“Wasn’t there some kind of briefing about me?” Byulyi tilted her head to the side, just a little and Yongsun was on the edge of swooning.

“Sort of?” Yongsun gestured uncertainly. “Not really? Just what you’re here for and to help you with whatever?”

“Right.”

“And also to tell us that you aren’t dangerous.”

Yongsun saw a flicker of smile ghosting by Byulyi’s face before it switched back to a dull indifference. Her heart pounded, practically whooping in joy.

“You should get back to the kids.”

“But you’re on a ladder and-”

“This isn’t dangerous.”

Yongsun pouted but relented. “Okay, I’m Yongsun by the way.”

“I know.”

Yongsun gaped in surprise.

“See ya, Yongsun.”

 

***

 

The mere knowledge that Byulyi remembered her name from that passing introduction on her first day kept Yongsun buoyed for days.

So this is how dropping fe- ugh, stupid Wheein.

Yongsun blamed Wheein for her analogy because now whenever she thought about being in love, she thought about dropping too.

“I love her hair!” Yongsun gushed as they ushered the kids to wash their hands.

“Remember your ideal?”

Yongsun led a kid by her hand, smiling guilty. “Silver is the new black.”

“Now you’re bodering on ridiculous.”

Yongsun was about to come up with a typically weak rebuttal when she lost her coherent grasp on any form of speech. Instead of risking a pathetic bumbling mess, Yongsun threw all her panic on her face, desperately trying to hint that Byulyi was walking towards them.

Wheein simply laughed.

“What the hell? What are you trying to do? Your face’s cramping up, oh my god.”

Before Yongsun could respond with a face palm, Byulyi had walked up to Wheein, without the energetic girl realising a thing.

“Hi.”

“Oh god!” Wheein visibly jumped, shocked by the sudden voice behind her. “Oh wow! It’s you!”

Yongsun wondered if the slight twitch on Byulyi’s brows was something similar to a curious expression.

“Yeah. Hi Yongsun and-”

“Wheein. Hi, I’m Wheein!”

“-Wheein.”

Yongsun gave a feeble wave.

“I’m done, I’ve got time so… Need any help?” Byulyi shrugged, although the movement of her shoulders was so miniscule Yongsun wouldn’t have noticed if not for how much she focused on Byulyi.

“Yes! Those two boys, you see them?” Yongsun replied, taking up the offer before Wheein suggested something stupid or embarrassing. “Drag them over please, I need them clean for dinner.”

“On it.” Byulyi nodded and stalked off to the tussling boys.

“Well that was unexpected.”

“What?” Yongsun gestured to one of the girls to come over so that she could fix her braids.

“She’s not as cold as what rumors tell me.”

“What-”

“I can see why everyone finds her charming.”

“Wheein,” Yongsun mouthed as she braided one of the younger girl’s hair at top speed, eyes flashing dangerously.

“Not my type.”

“Okay.”

“But types change.” Wheein stuck out her tongue and skipped off, but not before teasing her again, “You know that real well, Yongsun!”

Ugh.

 

***

The next time Yongsun spotted the subject of her affection was when she got the chance to bring some paint over amidst the many volunteers. Maybe Byulyi was warming up to everyone; Yongsun swore her popularity was skyrocketing by the minute.

Byulyi had her planted firmly on the ground and was staring intently at the blank wall, as though in a trance. Also, she looked extremely attractive with that intense look of concentration.

Yongsun blushed, like it was inevitable.

“Byulyi,”Yongsun called out, tone tender and blush glowed brighter when she heard herself sounding like a lovesick schoolgirl.

“Hey.”

“Here.” Yongsun set the tins of paint on the ground. “They bought more colours for you.”

“Oh.” Byulyi nodded blankly before redirecting her attention at the wall again.

It should be something usual, but that short reply this time just felt different. Maybe it sounded more sombre, more dejected. There was just something about it that made Yongsun plop down beside Byulyi and shower her with concern.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes,” Byulyi responded with so much haste that it sounded well rehearsed, like she was programmed to answer ‘yes’ instinctively.

“You can tell me what’s bothering you,” Yongsun tried, but Byulyi looked at her with unmasked apprehension. “I’ll listen and I won’t judge. Safe space, okay?”

Yongsun could see the apprehension transforming into hesitance and uncertainty.

“There’s nothing wrong with confiding in a friend. I mean, I consider us friends at least?”

Byulyi let out a long sigh. “Yeah, friends.”

“I’d understand if you don’t wanna be friends, you don’t have to sigh like that,” Yongsun pouted, her tone teasing.

“No no no, I just-” Byulyi groaned in frustration and jabbed at the wall. “This is driving me nuts.”

“I was kidding, Byulyi. But the wall?”

“Yes the wall.”

“Okay?”

It almost felt like she was playing a game of spot the difference as she looked at the very blank wall, intent on finding out what about it was so distressing to Byulyi.

Nothing. She had no idea. The wall looked as blank and normal as it will ever be.

“Um?”

Byulyi sighed again, “I don’t know what to draw or paint, I just don’t know.”

“Oh,” Yongsun grinned. “You don’t have to do anything spectacular. I’m sure the kids would be happy with cartoon or just bright and happy stuff.”

Byulyi was grimacing now and she fidgeted with the paintbrush in hand before finally, looking straight into Yongsun’s eyes with a mix of terror and helplessness.

“I can’t draw or paint, Yongsun.”

Yongsun blinked in confusion and they sat in the dry silence for long seconds before Byulyi sighed again and Yongsun recovered.

“You mean the problem isn’t a ‘what to draw’ but more of a ‘how to draw’?”

“Yeah, you can put it that way.”

“Oh my god. But we were told you’re the best candidate to do this?”

“I guess you guys were told wrong?”

“Aren’t you in this because of vandalism?”

“Yes but I’m not the amazing graffiti artist all of you are talking about.” Byulyi frowned. “Okay not you but the rest. Vandalism yeah, but I can’t say it’s anything close to artistic.”

And Yongsun started laughing, throwing back her head and unable to stop even though Byulyi’s frown deepened. It cracked her up, this situation and how cute Byulyi was.

“Hey!”

“I’m sorry but- you should’ve told us!”

“I thought I was supposed to just do a normal paint job, not an artistic one! And by the time I realised it was too late to reject.”

“Gosh. Byulyi, you’re so cute.” The compliment flowed so naturally that Yongsun couldn’t stop or think, and in a panic, she tried to reverse her terrible slip of tongue rapidly. “I mean silly, or dumb. Not in a bad way, just not cute- not that you aren’t-”

Byulyi cracked a tiny smile. “It’s fine, Yongsun. It’s okay.”

Yongsun breathed as she fought her rising body temperature. “Okay. You know, just try your best, draw whatever. If that doesn’t work, we could get Wheein to help out, she’s got this artist genes in her. So draw what you like!”

“What I like? I can’t, it’s… it will be terrible. It won’t be good not even good enough.”

The brooding surfaced again, almost tangible in the way it wormed in and carved itself as it took over Byulyi’s features. Yongsun didn't want to let it be, so she placed her hand on the girl’s arm. Byulyi tensed and her gaze swept down, messy silver fringe obstructing her eyes.

And for a moment, Yongsun had lots of questions.

Why was she here? What did she vandalise? Why did she do that? How many rounds of bleaching did it take her to achieve that perfect silver hair and why? Why was she so detached?

Surely there was a reason to explain Moon Byulyi.

But eventually, Yongsun asked a single question, “What’s wrong with what you like?”

“It’s-” Byulyi shifted, eyes landing on Yongsun’s fingers around her arm. “-nothing good, I guess.”

Her words fueled bubbles of angry concern but the vibration of her phone prevented her from doing anything more. Glancing at the screen, it showed ‘Juhyun’, and Yongsun swallowed an unwitting ‘oh no’.

“Byul, listen, I know there are probably reasons why you can't seem to trust in yourself or be yourself,” Yongsun rambled, feeling the increasing urgency of her vibrating phone. “I'm supposed to be better at this since I'm certified to bring happiness and counsel people. But I'm not and I'm kinda fine with that.”

Byulyi looked lost and Yongsun couldn't blame her. Whatever she was going on about, Yongsun wasn't really sure either.

“Anyway, all of us like you enough and that's all good. There's nothing wrong with you.”

Her phone stopped vibrating and Yongsun could almost feel Juhyun’s questioning eyes on her.

Byulyi though, threw her a look of unadulterated skepticism. “You barely know me, Yongsun.”

“That's besides the point. Actually the point is Juhyun’s gonna skin me alive if I don't pick up her call. She's the scariest person here.” Yongsun waved the phone which had resumed another round of vibration, before hastily adding on, “In a good way of course, don't get me wrong.”

“Okay.” And Byulyi actually smiled, properly. Wider than anything Yongsun thought she'd ever get out of the girl. And it was dazzling.

“Do you want Wheein to take over the painting though?” Yongsun sounded breathless but honestly she couldn't be bothered anymore.

“I guess I could give this a shot.”

Yongsun thought she saw something sparkle in Byulyi's eyes, exploding with blinding brillance. And all she could think in that moment was that Byulyi was, really, so beautiful.

 

***

 

Yongsun felt something akin to a stab to her heart when she popped by the ‘wall under construction’ only to see Wheein and Byulyi sitting on the ground, shoulders touching and laughing way too happily.

She wondered if that was how betrayal tasted like.

Bitter.

Yet just one second later she realised how ridiculous it was.

Byulyi and Wheein were friends and this possessiveness was uncalled for. Her emotions quelled with a low sigh, and she somehow found herself hiding in the corner and listening in their conversation.

“She was in the choir, like the most amazing singer, but she thought it’d be cool to go with the name Solar instead of Yongsun.”

Yongsun cringed. Why on earth would Wheein reveal that?!

“Why?”

“Because do-re-mi-fa-so-la,” Wheein sing-songed. “And also Yongsun and sun and solar and equating everything, just super weird.”

Byulyi burst out in a full fledged laugh and Yongsun couldn’t help but scowl while walking away, totally defeated. She had been contented, kind of proud even, that she had managed to get that smile out of Byulyi the other time. But what was that compared to this laugh that bore into her?

“That’s cute.”

Yongsun vaguely heard that when she was a good distance away, yet she was too distraught to put any meaning to it.

If she had to choose, at least it was Wheein and not some other stranger.

 

***

“Byulyi?”

It was long past ten o’clock and Yongsun wasn’t expecting this silhouette, in her jeans and snapback, looking ready to leave with her backpack on one shoulder yet lingering by the orphanage's gates.

“Hey,” Byulyi smiled a little and Yongsun was reminded of that laugh earlier that night.

Although she did try, she was never the best at masking her emotions. “I thought you left. It’s late, you know?”

“Um,” Byulyi hesitated, confusion clouding over but it was too late for Yongsun to regret her words. “I just packed up like, ten minutes ago?”

Yongsun nodded, her mind started the playback of how she hadn’t seen Wheein throughout the whole time. She never knew that jealousy could affect her this much. Wheein was right, again. 

“I don’t know why you’re still here but I’m gonna go. See you, Byulyi.”

“Yongsun, is anything wrong?”

The genuine concern lacing those words forcefully stopped Yongsun in her tracks. And she knew, when she turned to see Byulyi’s worrying frown, that she was being stupid and immature.

Twenty-nine years and counting, yet she couldn’t handle losing her newfound ideal to her friend.

“I’m sorry,” tone softening, Yongsun walked a few steps up to the other girl and returned her a smile. “It’s been tough today.”

And it was Byulyi’s turn to nod, looking rather pensive too. “I just wanted to tell you that, uh, that mural thing? It’s going fine. I got Wheein to help me a little too.”

“That’s great.”

“Thank you for, you know, that day.”

Yongsun wasn’t that sure if she deserved that after this little tantrum like episode. “That’s nothing, we’re friends. Like you said.”

“Actually, do you usually get off work at this time on Thursday?”

“Yeah, usually. Why?”

Byulyi shrugged, dodging her question. “See you tomorrow Yongsun!”

 

***

 

It took another week before Yongsun got to see the completed wall. Maybe she had been avoiding it subconsciously, even if she tried convincing herself otherwise.

Another Thursday night and Byulyi was waiting again, right where she stood the previous week. She looked exactly the same as before and Yongsun knew she the feelings she harboured for that rebellious looking girl was far from gone.

“Yongsun!”

Before Yongsun could think any further or quietly sneak away, Byulyi caught up to her. If she were to be honest, she liked Byulyi a little too much to have an intense want to be apart from her.

“Why are you out here again?”

“Do you have some time to spare?”

Question for a question, Yongsun narrowed her eyes, tiny bit suspicious. Something about Byulyi’s demeanour was off, not in a bad kind of way, but Yongsun was unable to truly point out what was up.

Then, Byulyi smiled.

“I’ve got something to show you, go with me?”

Yongsun found herself nodding and following behind Byulyi’s footsteps before she woke up from that spell.

In retrospect, maybe she was too late in everything concerning Moon Byulyi.

And she traced familiar routes, eyes trained on a back that she had gotten used to and grown fond of. Yongsun thought that maybe, even if Wheein was her close buddy, she might compete for Byulyi after all.

Then, she arrived in front of that wall that was tasked to Byulyi.

In the sparse lighting, the wall looked complete, almost refined and significantly different from the last she saw it. Byulyi’s grin had dipped a little to something mellow and shy, taking glances at Yongsun before looking away to the wall.

Something was definitely up.

“You've completed it?”

Byulyi nodded, subtle happiness swept over her voice. “Yeah, I’m no good at this, Wheein taught me.”

And there it was, the ache when Byulyi mentioned Wheein.

“That's great, I suppose?”

“Look.” Suddenly, Byulyi was dragging Yongsun close to a particular section and the next second, she brandished her phone with its flashlight switched. “This. Um, I drew this for you.”

Yongsun squinted, the sun looked similar as the last she saw it, so did the field and flowers but in her sight was something new. A cutely drawn girl, with distinct silver hair, tilting her head up towards the sun, smiling wide. And those musical notes around the sun was something not present previously.

Almost surreal, but Yongsun could swear that the girl in it resembled Byulyi a lot.

“Wh- what does this mean?” Yongsun breathed out, thoughts running wild and her heart beating wilder.

“That I want to know you more,” Byulyi mumbled but it was clearer than ever in Yongsun’s ears. A pause, hesitation, before she continued in an even smaller voice, “That maybe, I think, you’re cute like this sun.”

Yongsun beamed and without thinking, pulled Byulyi into a hug, and with a mad rush of adrenaline, whispered into Byulyi’s ear, “I’ve wanted to know you more since I saw you the first time.”

And at the corner of her eyes, she spied a little something in the wall painting.

It was very inconspicuous and well blended into the background, but undeniably painted right below the sun.

.

Yongsun cursed in her head before squealing as Byulyi returned her hug carefully, silver hair tickling her nose. She grinned into Byulyi’s shoulder, happiness seeping through.

Ideals are really whatever.

 

---

A/N: Hi, it's been a while and i'm really rusty. No beta for this. Hope this was alright. New comeback and i'm not gonna commit to another round of "if mmm wins no.1, i'll ____". 

Support mamamoo y'all. I've finally fulfilled my promise for decalcomanie era. HAHAHA. 

 

(please support 9muses too.)