I remember when I first met him about 5 years ago.

I've always known about him. Everyone did. His name was everywhere. Rapper. Celebrity. A ladies man.

I met him at an event a clothing designer hosted. I was a friend. I was VIP, although I did wish I was able to walk the runway in his clothes. I was formally introduced to him while we were sipping the gorgeous champagne served.

"Hyoni, this is Simon D. Simon D, my friend, Hyoni, a beautiful woman and soul," our friend said.

I gave out my hand saying hello, expecting a shake from him. He took my hand and after a shake, held tightly to my hand and kissed the back of it. "It's always a pleasure to meet a person as lovely as you," he said in his deep voice I never thought I would get tired of hearing.

"Likewise."

We were never in the same circle of friends. But my work demanded I meet other people, even those I normally wouldn't want to get involved with. I later on accepted that fact and moved on to create a new circle of people I never get scared of being me, showing my reserved and normal nature, the woman that just sits in a corner and listens to music.

It was all over the news. He left the label that nurtured his name, career and popularity. ing bastard to turn away from them. But his partner left as well, with heavy hearts towards them, towards everyone, towards themselves. They broke up. I remember asking a friend if he knew Simon D, and if he could say that I hope all the best for their future endeavors. I don't know if it ever got to him.

He broke up with his long time girlfriend, a woman I also liked for her beauty, her voice, her outspokenness. They were together long. I read on SNS that people hoped they would have married. But I guess happy endings are rare, even if you think your life was a fairytale. 

Funny, but in the back of my head, I wished I could meet him again, be able to be the girl that would replace Lady Jane's spot. 

And funny things kept on happening.

"Hyoni, this is an underground event. You don't fit here," the stylist said.
"Who cares? The event seems to be fun. I want to be there and witness it myself. I want to see the rappers," I said.
"You never liked rappers," he said. He irritates me sometimes really.
"Well... Maybe I do now," I smiled. "I'll come right back home if I get bored."

And I did.

I really didn't like hiphop music so much. It's becoming a culture that is growing to be a trend. I guess, I just haven't jumped on it yet. But the event was at one of the biggest clubs in Korea. I liked the place! Maybe I would go back when I feel bored at home or anywhere.

I was at the second floor and the DJ playing was hiding in a hoodie. Meanwhile, this rapper was hyping the crowd. How do they even like this dork? His clothes don't match, his hair is in quite an array. The culture may be a trend but their fashion sense is so weak.

"Hyoni noona! Hi!" A man greeted me from behind. It was the club's music director. I met him at a fashion event before. He's cute. Too bad he's younger than me.
"Hi AK! How are you?" I said giving him a hug. He has a girlfriend already but is really sweet towards his friends.
"I'm fine. Stressed. This event is a first for Octagon. I'm happy to see you here," he said walking over to the edge, watching the crowd downstairs.
"I hope you get more shows like this in the future, AK," I smiled, unsure if shows like this would become big.
"Watch out, noona. Me and the boys will make Octagon the best club in the world," he smiled back at me and I returned a comforting smile. "By the way, did you know Jay Park is here?" he asked.
"Oh. Really?" I said in surprise. I saw him on TV recently performing with NS YoonG. He's hot.
"Yeah. They're in one of the VIP rooms. Want me to take you there?" he offered.

I haven't even answered, but he started dragging me from the floor, to the stairs, to a hallway upstairs, and finally at an open door. We walked in with him casually bowing to the people inside. I had to follow. 

I saw Jay Park, all right. But guess who else was there?

"I think I saw you at one of the fashion week shows," said Jay Park. I nodded. I knew him, but not everyone inside.

"This is Sunghwa hyung. We call him Gray. Watch out. He's going to be big one day," he said about a short guy who's smile was fascinating. "This is Loco," he pointed to a chubby boy.
"Ah. I know him. Show Me The Money," I said, remembering how a friend let me watch the show. He just smiled at me though. Cute.

Jay Park continued to introduce his friends until he came to a man I almost felt my drool escaping my mouth.

"Simon D," I smiled.
"Yo, beautiful," he said, an obvious high on alcohol showing on his face.
"Sorry about that. He's been drinking too much lately," said Jay.
"No. It's okay. I know he's been through a lot," I said with a smile.
"Why? Are you friends or something?" Jay asked.
Wrong choice of words. Damn. "No. I mean... I just know. You know... SNS. News. His name was everywhere before," I said in defense.
"So you know that I'm starting my own label?" asked Jay. I had to shake my head because no, I didn't know. "Well, I'm starting one with these dorks, Gray and Loco. Seems good huh? Me, CEO. Gray, a producer. And our baby, Loco," he jokingly said. "So you think Simon D here would be a good addition to the team?"

My thoughts? No. I don't know.

Funny, but after that night, I had a call from Simon D, getting my number from Jay Park. He said he was sorry that I saw him in a state he was not proud of. I said I didn't care. We're all human. We make mistakes. We all get rough days.

Another funny thing?

I was seeing myself falling in love with him.

I stalked him. His Instagram. His songs. His past photos with Lady Jane. His stupid smile. I wanted to know wherever he was going. I think I was obsessed. But I was lucky because my obsession was something he liked.

"You keep on liking my photos, no matter how old they are," he once told me while we were out eating lunch with his crew members, one of them happened to be a college mate.

"Let's just say that I'm making you more popular," I said. "When my followers see me following you, they'll like you, too." What a lame excuse, I must say.

"Hmm..." he hummed to get my attention, my eyes now locked on his, the others at the counter looking for anything to eat. "Is that the real reason? You want other people to like me?" He leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table. "Or is it you that's starting to like me?"

I can never forget his smirk. The ladies man, I reminded my self. He's known to be very good with women, even a friend told me about it. But that smirk, that playful, senseless smirk.

I never answered it. We never talked about it. I don't know why. I never asked. I didn't care anyway.

More funny things happened and it somehow looks more funny now that I look back at all of it.

He asks me for dates. I would say yes. Who wouldn't if it's Simon D? Imagine him waiting downstairs from your apartment in a black shirt, his skinny jeans hugging his legs, a jacket over his shoulders, a smile so wide it meant the world to me. He was my Mr. Perfect.

Dates.

Lunch.

Road trips.

Shopping.

Dinner.

Movies.

Car rides.

Home stays.

Hugs.

Kisses.

Eventually, bed.

I never had it good with guys that are shorter with me. Some feel inferior. But he never felt that way. He was so confident of himself. He didn't care if I wore 5 inch heels while I was with him. He made me feel like a princess, a queen, his everything. He knew exactly how to hold my hand, how to look at me in the eyes and make my heart melt. He knew how to hug me when I felt so tired from work.

I gave all of that back to him. We were more than just friends. He became my guy, this other piece of me that brings out the best of me. He didn't just push me into becoming a better model, he told me to be even more and discover more. I became a host. I started planning out a business because he said that's the smart thing to do with my momey. He wanted me to be me as well, more than just the me that's his. 

I love him.

But then, things at AOMG for more busier. I was becoming more busy, too. Like what he said, this is the price we pay for becoming celebrities.

He was the celebrity.

He was everywhere. Shows. Concerts. Guesting. Appearances. Shoots. He was back to the Simon D I knew from the TV screen. And I was happy for him. He was starting to overcome his alcoholism. No more bars, clubs, excessive drinking, girls. It was just me and his work.

But I was wrong.

He was also the rapper.

His partner went through trial and I was proud of him for choosing to be by his side all the way. I was happy for him that even though the circumstance didn't merit any smiles, it was seen in his eyes that he is sincerely happy to be with him. You can see it in both of them. They have been partners for a lifetime, through the good and the bad. And when it was finally time for him for jail time, I have never seen him cry more than that day. I made sure I was there for him. And he was happy. I swore to myself that if I ever make him cry, it's the type they usually call "tears of joy". I'll make sure to make him happy. We will be happy.

But as I said, he was a rapper.

And a rapper raps. A rapper creates music. A rapper creates connections. A rapper had so less time for anything else in his life other than hiphop. And I still don't understand it.

The excuses soon came.

There was less time for dates. We couldn't even meet up anymore without people following around. His fangirls were becoming crazier, too. I could handle that, I thought. I had to. I was the understanding girlfriend for a CEO. I was proud of him.

But more lies came.

Late nights.

Overtime.

Out of town trips.

Meetings.

Collaborations.

All nighters.

Shows.

Concerts.

 

How about me?

And the suspisions came.

"Are you cheating on me Kiseok?!"

"What?! Of course not!"

ing lying bastard. Even if there was no other woman in your life than me, I know he's capable of getting all the girls he likes. One-night stands. Quickies. Damn it. He knows very well how to get those.

"Babe... I'm doing all of this for you okay? You're my queen. And I have to do my best to make sure my queen gets everything she deserves. You're my one and only. I swear."

Just like that song he released with a beautiful woman in bed.

Stupid excuses. Stupid reasons. Stupid suspisions. Stupid Simon D. Stupid me.

I succumb to him every time he talks sweet, every time he touches my face and wipes away the tears, every time he brushes his thumb across my lips, every time he knows how to kiss and eventually play with my tongue, every time he touches me, every time he makes me want so much more than just a hand on my waist. Those wild, unforgettable nights that usually creates more y mornings.

We were back to the happy couple thing. I wouldn't have wanted it in any other way. It was all going to go smoothly after this.

Not when he once again proved to me why he's called a ladies man. And I want to slap myself for not even making this a warning when I first met him.

They added a girl into their label. Oh, she's beautiful. I feel like even a woman could fall in love with her. Seungjae knew her and told me she had a boyfriend, the guy being Alex's friend, too. I trusted. I trusted way too much.

But news came out saying they already broke up.

Funny, because I never saw her cry.

Not that she could actually cry if she's around the AOMG boys. They are all goofy, including Simon D.

But I trusted.

I trusted they were all just supporting her to be able to move on from a heartbreak. I trusted that they all just wanted her to feel welcome in a home where all of them were guys. I trusted that Simon D was never her type of guy.

I shouldn't have.

I disregarded all the signs. The selcas together. His stare at her during their lives. His concern when she doesn't show up at the office. His support when she said she wanted to work alone. I disregarded that because I saw them fight. I didn't know why but they did and he often complained to me why girls were so sensitive. 

I disregarded all of that because I loved him.

But I couldn't take it anymore.

After his fight with her, I tried to lock him in. I took her place and I argued day and night with him. I don't let him go anywhere without me knowing. I became jealous of everything. I was so full of his lies.

"YOU LIKE HER, DON'T YOU?!" I shouted.

"SHUT UP, HYONI. I DON'T HAVE TIME TO BICKER WITH YOU," he shouted back. The nerve of this guy!

"YOU DON'T HAVE TIME FOR ME?! BUT YOU HAVE TIME TO STAY IN FRONT OF HER APARTMENT IN YOUR CAR?! DO YOU THINK I'M STUPID, JUNG KISEOK?!"

He looked back at me with total surprise in his eyes.

"How did you..." he wanted to start...

"I've had it, Jung Kiseok. It's so obvious. IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN OBVIOUS! You ing play boy. I HATE YOU!" I shouted in tears, hitting him everywhere while he tried to defend himself. "How could you do this me?! I THOUGHT YOU SAID I WAS YOUR ONE AND ONLY?!"

"I'm sorry, Hyoni..."

"GET OUT OF MY LIFE. I DON'T NEED YOU. I NEVER NEEDED YOU," I said pushing him to the door. I give up.

He stood there, at the door, not moving, his back against me. "Leave." I repeated.

He turned around and looked at me with a tear already trickling down his cheek. I made him cry.

"Hyoni-ah, are you really letting me go?"

Maybe.

I don't know.

"No, Kiseok. I'm letting myself go," I said.

Another tear down his cheek.

"I've always known our relationship would come down to this. But I didn't choose to trust myself. I let myself get locked in the fantasy that you'll choose me over everything you have in your life. I loved you. But I never heard it from you. I never felt it. You know what I was? I was the woman that helped you moved on. But to you, I was no one but a past time, a body you can play with at night and enjoy. I'm letting myself go from all your lies and excuses. I'm letting myself go from the dream that you would be mine in the end. Because no, it's not going to happen. At least, not with me."

He just stood there as we both cried. 

"You changed, Kiseok," I said wiping my face with the back of my hands.

"You changed. You're more concentrated with work. You don't play around anymore. You don't drink so much anymore. You stopped smoking. You value your family more now. You look out for the young ones now. You don't get mad easily anymore. And I'm sorry... Because I wasn't the one that made you into a better person. I'm sorry. But I love you."

It was dark after that night. Dark and cold. I don't know if that was a good thing or not. But I knew I had to move on.

"After eveything that happened, I still thank you. I don't know if you were really just a way for me to forget. But please know that I sincerely enjoyed every moment with you. I appreciated everything you did for me. I'm just sorry for not being able to show you the love you expected from me. You're right. I am a jerk. I have always been. I've always knew that. I just don't know how to change. I'm sorry, Hyoni, from the bottom of my heart, I apologize for hurting your heart. You don't deserve that. I wish all the best for you though, all the success, all the love. I wish to be able to meet you in the future with a better character and more mature heart. Thank you, Hyoni, thank you so much. Love, Kiseok."

I've read his letter for more than 30 times now. He has never been open with his feelings like this. I guess she taught her how to open his heart. Good for you, Kiseok.

The plane boarding towards Thailand is here. I hear my queue.

It's been months since that last time we saw each other, the last time we ever looked straight at each other. I told him I'm finally letting myself go, but I'm the one that didn't move on so quick. I didn't push myself to do so. But finally, I decided it's time to put everything in the past.

The last thing I heard about him is that he stopped using SNS. His fans must be worried about him, that old man. I also heard that he's been handling all of the label's business in Korea. Jay was starting a new label based in America. Good for them. I hope Simon D does his job right. I believe he is though because their artists are going to be releasing new songs this year. He's done well. I also heard he's been meeting with his bestfriend more often now, especially since he's already out of jail. Time will come, they will finally be able to perform together again.

I heard he's happy, too.

"Hyoni, let's go," my sister said pulling her suitcase behind her.

I smiled at her and looked at the envelope one last time.

"I've let myself go, Hyoni-ah. You and everyone else will be proud of me. And even if we're not together anymore, I still wish to make you happy. Until the next time we meet, Jung Kiseok."

Until next time, you ing sweet bastard.