Warning: depression and selfharm/attempting suicide and mentions of domestic abuse.

 

**

 

“It’s not worth it. If you jump now it will be very painful.”

 

Fingers gripping the iron rail tighten when the voice reach his ears. Knuckles turn white. Changhyun breathes out the breath he forgot inhaled.

 

Footsteps sound become nearer.

 

“Do- don’t come.” Changhyun gives out a meek stutter. His body inches forward.

 

He needs no one. Not at this time, when he has no motivation to even save himself anymore. When he finally has courage to end the pain, the sadness. To make it go away.

 

Permanently.

 

His grips on the railing become tighter as he lifted his body up. Ignoring the other presence on the rooftop.

 

“Don’t jump.” The voice come again. This time with more urgency.

 

“I have no idea what you have been through. But if you jump now, the chance of death still 50-50. And what if you don’t? Wouldn’t it be more painful?”

 

Pain.

 

Changhyun smile, weak. Nobody ever know pain more than himself.

 

 

**

 

Home sweet home they said.

 

Home was never been sweet for Yoo Changhyun.

 

Home is hell, if he ever to define what home is. It was merely a place where he comeback after a torturous day at work, only to be worried what kind of punishment he will get once he reached that house. This is your home from now on. He remembered the words from his once sweet adoptive parents.

 

His once home sweet home. Was.

 

The first year was all homely and happiness. They treated him right, showered him with loves as if he was their own child. Smiles and laughter never left his mouth.

 

Until, his adoptive mother pregnant with their own child.  And Changhyun automatically a burdensome stranger in the house, to them.

 

They ignored him. That was fine.

 

They called him names. He smiled.

 

Somehow, his smile triggered them. They started beating and abused him. The abuse has gotten worst by days, from a simple punch to horrible whipping, and his adoptive father has used knife for numerous times, when he was too drunk to care. His once milky white body was now full of jagged, ugly scars.

 

He endured.

 

Through times, the pain subsided. Leaving only stings and permanent emotional and physical scars. When belt touched his bruised skin, he took it with teeth biting into lower lip, blood drawn. No more agonizing tears or shameful pleadings. 

 

Because the pain is not something from outside, it is living inside of him. It was slowly killing him and there is no way out. How would you run away from yourself?

 

At night, when he was alone in the small room under the stair, he told himself he deserved it. He deserved the degradation names, the menacing glares, the excruciating abused – all of it.

 

He just a tainted person that stigmatized by people around him.

 

It was then he realized, that he, living in this world is a mistake.

 

A disgrace.

 

Die, they said.

 

Die, what he will did.

 

 

**

 

Jonghyun is smiling heartily.

 

His footsteps are light, like he’s walking on the air.

 

He can never be more grateful. Life is giving him another chance.

 

A chance to live his life. A new life.

 

Re-living.

 

He admitted that before this, he was living his life recklessly. Life is too good and he took it for granted.

 

His days surrounded by boisterous friends, wealthy family, women and men flocking to him like leeches. Nights filled with boozes, parties, and cars. He was at the top of the world.

 

Until the dreadful event happened.

 

He loved cars and speed. It gave him adrenaline pumping in his body whenever he pushed the pedal and speeding in the night like a thunder. He was the best speed car racer, illegally. No one can beat him. No one.

 

But he forgot that there is death.

 

Beating him on a chilly night. It happened to fast. All that he heard before the world turned black were screeching of tires, crunching metals, shattered glass and explosion. In just matters of seconds.

 

He was comatose for 2 months, luckily no fatal injury as he was thrown out of the car before it exploded.

 

Thanks God for giving him a chance.

 

He woke up 2 weeks ago, and tomorrow he can discharge from hospital. To start a new life. He determined to change and living his life rightfully. Helping people in need and leaving behind his reckless past.

 

All he needs now is a fresh air- for a fresh start.

 

Jonghyun pushed the cream colored door as he humming to a familiar tune. It was an awful journey by a long flight of stairs to the rooftop with his limping leg. But it will be worth it. The air, the view, the open skies, the scene-

 

But what awaits him makes Jonghyun stopped abruptly.

 

He saw him, a guy a bit shorter than him – leaning against the metal railing. About to jump over it. a surge of panic awaken in his body. And before anything, he breathed out a labored ‘don’t jump’.

 

The man shoulders tensed at his presence, but his stance was full with determination. Determined to jump. Jonghyun knew he needs to do something. Everyone deserves a chance, a good living. He may not know what drive the latter to made this decision, but he believe whatever it is , it can be amend. We the one that can change our live. From bad to good. Or good to bad.

 

“I have no idea what you have been through. But if you jump now, the chance of death still 50-50. And what if you don’t? Wouldn’t it be more painful?”

 

He hopes that would make the pale man change his mind. Jonghyun knows the pain, the feeling of just a second to death. It was devastatingly painful. If the man thought by dying he will not feel the pain, he was totally wrong.

 

Jonghyun has felt it before. How painful it was.

 

The man seem to be in his mind, thinking of whatever that Jonghyun not sure of. He took a calculated steps toward the guy. Slowly and steadily. No sound, he hopes.

 

He saw the guy tensed up from something and his knuckles tighten against the railing. Leveraging himself to jump. He was about to persuade him when the guy spoke. Voice chilly, void of emotion.

 

“The pain would not be able to kill me, I have already death- killed by the torturing sadness inside. This pain only a closure.” With that, the guy push his body upward.

 

In the split second, instinctively, Jonghyun ran forward, extending his hand only to grab the man’s waist. He tighten his hold on the bony waist as he struggling to calm the man, whom trying to set free. Less than 5 minutes later than the shorter man finally calm down. Jonghyun turned the latter over to face him.

 

His eyes was rimmed red with tears flowing down like a waterfall. Jonghyun’s tanned fingers contrast against the man pale complexion when he wiped the tears on his face.

 

“Why can’t you just l-let me..me die.” The latter was sobbing mess.

 

Slowly, Jonghyun took the guy hand and put it on his chest, slightly to the left. “Can you feel it? This is called purpose. You’re alive for a reason, so don’t ever give up. No matter how hard it is to live.”

 

Jonghyun smiles as the guy eyes widen a bit, looking at him with some spark that he hopes will change the guy’s mind in ending his own life.

 

“I am Jonghyun. Choi Jonghyun.”

 

“Changhyun.”

 

“Changhyun. It’s a beautiful name.” The guy, Changhyun smiled, and it gave tingly and warm feeling in Jonghyun’s.

 

Mirroring the shorter man action, Jonghyun then outstretched his palm toward Changhyun.

 

“So Changhyun, let me show you why you shouldn’t die because in this hospital, there are many people struggle to not to die.”

 

 

**

 

Changhyun put his fingers on the outstretch palm that waiting for him. It was cold when his pale fingers intertwines with Jonghyun’s.

 

“Let’s go.” Jonghyun smiles at him. It is so beautiful. Genuine. The one he never saw in his life. One that full with care and love.

 

The one belong only to Choi Jonghyun.

 

Life will not always sunny and rainbow, but with Jonghyun by his side, he found courage to drench in rain, fighting thunderstorm, even high water. Again.

 

There were stories to be told and story yet to be created.

 

For the first time in his life, he hold back the other hand in his.

 

And he is ready.

 

For  new beginning.

 

 

 

**********

 

 

 

 

A/N: angst that not so angsty with not so happy ending. Enjoy.

 

At this part (“Why cant you just l-let me..me die.” The latter was sobbing mess.) – I was about to make Jonghyun say ‘not in front of my salad ‘ lol

 

My brain dead.

 

Enjoyyyy ma luvliesss