Lying down against my bed as I snuggled my head in between the throw pillows, I blankly stared at the wall, not wanting to think nor to move. Hearing the faint rain droplets from the window pane seemed like music to my ears, it was calm and soothing to hear but it somewhat suggested emptiness. Waking up has always been this cold and lonely, whether it is or it is not raining, nothing actually differs. The weather wasn't the one at fault. This was how I probably felt deep inside. The cold soon embraced me, making me shiver underneath my sleeves. I tugged myself under the thick sheets, waiting to be spooned inside his arms like how he used to wake me up. And like a fool, I smiled, remembering that things have already changed. He's not here. He left.

I've always been curious as to how people cope up with the need to change their usual habits. Wasn't it difficult to accept the fact that the things you were used to, the things that already became a part of you, and all of those things that you wished to not end, has suddenly disappeared? Nothing's permanent and everything else is temporary because change is constant, they said. But come to think of it, how's everything temporary when I still haven't forgiven myself for not being able to erase him in my mind?

A buzz from my phone brought me back to the reality. It was a message from Jackson, being all greasy early in the morning just to remind me about our reunion. My veins twitched from remembering that it was today. I asked myself if there's a need for me to come, but I also didn't want to let the group down just because of our personal issues. They're my friends after all, and he was a part of it.

It's not that I always think of him, nor I wanted to relate almost everything to him, but it seemed that way right even before I could realize it. The scent of my pillow covers still smelled just like his freshly bathed body, the empty space beside my bed that he claimed as his spot and no one else's was now left unclaimed, his favorite mug felt like I was indirectly kissing him whenever my lips touches its edge, my shoes and clothes that we frequently shared, only left traces of his possession, making me think that I'm hugging him everytime I wear it. It was funny that everything else were hereㅡ his traces, the things he used, those memoriesㅡ but he's not here. Just like that, he left me, but it was unfair that his memories didn't.

Without missing a single day
You told me that you love me
Before I went to bed
As soon as I opened my eyes
You told me
I remember so I’m just saying

The chattering noises of crockeries from the restaurant annoyingly filled up my head, my patience to its fullest. From the moment that I woke up to a rainy weather, and to this very moment of ordering my favorite steak, in which I was informed that it's not available, I came up with the conclusion that this day wasn't obviously my day.

There were a lot of people than the usual. Some of them dined to eat, but some of them dined to openly flirt. Kidding aside, I suddenly froze in my seat when I overhear​d a sweet conversation from the young couple in front of me.

'You're beautiful. I love you.'

Those were the exact words that he spoiled me with. It was his habit to shower me with compliments, my favorite drug next to his kisses and hugs, and I honestly felt incomplete without hearing it in a day. The way he had his lips from telling me how much he loves me and from how his eyes had reflected his utmost sincerity, I wish I could turn back time just to feel his warmth again. For each and every single moment that we spent together, he made me feel loved. He loved me, all of me, and every part of me. I wasn't perfect. I have my ugly side just like anyone else. But, he still took me in and had kissed all my insecurities away. He embraced all my flaws and cured my ugly scars. There wasn't a day when he didn't tell me that I am beautiful, not knowing he was the one who made me think that the world was as beautiful as roses even though it had thorns. I was his world, and he was my universe. He loved me, dearly. And I loved him back, wholeheartedly.

Hearing these words from other people buries a deep dagger inside me. I'm envious to witness couples, who were madly in love with each other. Like a lost child, I crave and crave for his affection. I am envious, frustrated, and angry that I cannot turn back the past. I cannot make him say those words back to me again. I cannot dictate his heart to come back, to love me again. I cannot do anything but to watch him from leaving me.

Perhaps, people really do come in our lives for a reason. It could be a matter of staying by your side forever or it could be a sad reality of them just passing by? Truthfully, I was afraid that he's nothing but just a passerby, and yet, I couldn't even hold his hand when he stepped forward and decided to leave me.

You were pretty
Your eyes that looked at me
Your voice that called out to me
Everything, everything
To me, everything about you

Why does everything must remind me of him? Why was it so difficult to let go? Was it my fault that I had deeply fallen in love with no assurance? Do I even have a valid reason to feel this way when we're not even committed?

Wanting to try was our very first step. We were only curious about the evident attraction between us; the fluttery sensation it brought us when our palms touched, the butterflies I got when he kissed my cheeks, and the desirable comfort that we found when we snuggled against each other's arms. These curiosities made us realize about the common affections that we had for each other, which eventually lead us to something deeper.

Our relationship emotionally boosted to another level. We created a special bond apart from the rest of the team. He grew comfortable with me, sharing all his nonsense gags, talking about everything that annoyed him for the day, and even whispering to me his disgusting ideas. Never did he hesitate to laugh his heart out next to me. He poured all his anxieties and secretly cried hard against my shoulders. We were transparent with each other's feelings. We learned how to understand, how to be patient, and how to accept each other's mistakes. He trusts me more than how he trusted himself, and I trusted him the most among the rest. We filled each other's holes and learned from each other's differences.

There's no certain label that could define our relationship. We're teammates, who grew from friends to bestfriends, and yet we can also pass as brothers. However, things went too far that I became greedy. I crossed the line and had tasted his mouth out of my control. He devoured my lips back as we kissed passionately that night, pouring all our reserved hunger and lust that were kept hidden through years. I confessed that I love him, I want him, and I need him, not as a teammate, neither as a friend nor a brother. He spoke deeply into my eyes and admitted that he feels the same. A happy ending it seemed to be, but it was only the start of our endless struggles.

We're more than friends but not actually committed. No one had the guts to put a conclusion with what we are because no matter how strong our emotional attachment with each other was, we cannot risk the important things that we strived to achieve at the moment. We're teammates. We're friends. And most of all, we're celebrities. We had to be extra careful about how we felt, and we grew contented to keep things in private. It was a tough path to be together when everything in the future seemed uncertain. Still, we continued to held each other's hands, and leaned against each other's shoulders. Being together, we faced the world as we slowly reached for our dreams.

Memories of me
Have probably become
A thing of the past for you too
Whatever I saw to you
It will all be something
In the past

The rain poured heavily, covering the windows with moist that I could barely see anything at the street. The radio just played a break up song. And, I found myself stuck at the same place caused by the congestion. It was as if the whole world suddenly teamed up against me, or it could be the best representation of how I felt? I couldn't even tell.

Meeting him was the best thing that ever happened in my life. Who could've thought that fate would bring us together when we're originally thousand miles away from each other? Who could've thought this man that I kiddingly greeted 'Yo, wassup man!' from the first time that we met, was actually the man, whom I'd seriously want to spend the rest of my life with?

Years ago, I remember the need to hang out with him every night at the park even though we couldn't communicate because of our language difference, and how I pretended that I've understood what he was trying to tell me because I want him to open up himself more, I want him to be confident in expressing himself, I want him to know that I am listening, and simply because I wanted to be with him. I've witnessed a lot of people who left in this industry, and honestly, I didn't want to easily grew attached to people, wasting all my invested affection, time, and care when we will all parted away sooner or later. But then, I still took the courage to get to know him, and I was lucky enough that my pure intentions didn't end in vain. He soon validated my feelings until he became a part of me.

Things then started to change, beautifully. I still couldn't imagine how these feelings magically brought my feet to lightly float in the air whenever I see his face so close to mine, how I trembled inside whenever I felt his arms tightly wrapped around my waist, and how his whispering deep voice could immediately drive me crazy without a warning. This man, who usually laughs in an annoying high pitched voice, surprisingly brought a brand new melody to my ears. And even though, this lovely man, the loveliest man, once brought a dog inside my room causing the animal to poop on my shoes, I couldn't even fake my anger when he adorably reasoned out that it wasn't intentional, that he was sorry, that it only happened because he grew impatient waiting for me to come home. I could also remember those long nights when he shared me stories about his entire clan, the character's level up from his favorite game, his hidden talents of popping noses, his detailed yet impossible plans for next month and even his sudden curiosity about the universe. Then it made me realize, how I was foolishly and stupidly in love with this man that I'd be willing to give him all my attention instead of taking time to read my books. What else could've been more weirdly fascinating than from the fact that I could easily let go of my egoistic self and wouldn't even care of automatically submitting myself to him when I am mad yet he still initiates to kiss me. He was the only exemption to my rules, and I wouldn't even care living without one.

But then, it just hits me that it's over. We're over.

I still think of you sometimes
Should I call you up?
There were a lot of times I thought that but
Baby I know it’s already over

No matter how much I want you
You are now just a movie of the past
That has already ended
I know

I fumbled from fixing my tie when I arrived at the venue. My anxiety was eating me alive that I could feel my heart racing and my insides twitching at the same time. The thought of meeting him again after a long of time brings me excitement yet fear of all these emotions and insecurities me up again.

I've wondered myself, for once, did he even think about me? Or was it only me, who was left at the past. Am I the only one still hurting? That even though I am suffering, I still smile like a fool whenever I recall our memories. Because no matter how it pains me that he was gone, only these good memories would sink unto my thoughts to make me feel better. Our separation drastically pulled me down, tearing me apart, destroying all our invested emotions that we managed to build for years, and all that's left to me was nothing but scars. Our love was beautiful, an epitome of magic, but why cannot it last like others? We had our separation so smoothly. I couldn't even name an issue behind it. He only said it's over. His voice sounded apologetic, a bit hesitant. I asked him once again if we're really over, and he only nodded, not being able to meet my gaze. I do not want to act stupid, I am a man with pride. I let him go, if that's what he want. He walked away, passed through me, as he drifted away. I was too egoistic at first, I held my emotions back. I wanted to show him how stupid he was to let me go. I got drunk, did stupid things, thinking he would come over and scold me. But, he didn't. We're really over. I've been wanting to call him so many times, to send him messages, to beg him to come back to me, but I was probably too late. Too late for me to realize that I'd rather want to lose my stupid pride than to lose someone like him in my life.

For the last time
Your eyes that looked at me
Your voice that said, take care
Everything, everything
Even that, to me

"Thank you for coming," he greeted me with a faint smile. He still looked good as ever, wearing a turtle neck sweater underneath a coat. Those sparkling eyes, lusciously pinkish lips, and perfectly carved nose were still the same. I'd be lying if I wouldn't admit that I didn't miss all of it.

"You should know that I came not because I wanted to, but because I need to. We were once a big family, and the group still think we are, at least. Coming here wasn't also for the reason that I wanted to see you-"

"I know, that's why I said I am grateful," he pursed his lips, guilt was plastered from his face.

"But I do," I admitted, for there was no room to keep my pride. "I wanted to see you. I want to know how you're doing because I had no guts to ask you on my own."

"I am doing good. I hope you are as well, Jinyoungie."

I smiled immediately when I heard him saying my name again, but I shook myself, realizing that things had changed between us. "I must. There's no point of not."

"You look good in your suit. You're still beautiful, it's a relief," he his lips and intently met gazes with me.

"Stop," I shut my eyes and held my breath. "Do not pull any of my hopes high when you're not going to take me back. Don't tell me the words you told me before. Don't call my name like how you used to because everything's not the same anymore. Don't make it any harder for me because I haven't moved on yet, not even a bit. I am still stuck from where you had left me, hyung," I confessed with a shaky voice. I bit my lips, gritted my teeth, as I tried hard not to cry.

"I am sorry, Jinyoung," he stepped closer and I stepped back. He looked worried and I tried my best to show that I am fine. "Please... I am still here. We can be friends again. I cannot let you go that easily," slowly, he reached for my palm.

I wanted to hold his hands for a bit longer, but I told myself that it would only hurt me more. I slowly removed my palm against his, "Please, let me go... Don't do this. I don't want to lie to myself that I would be fine with us being friends, because I don't think I can. I still love you, Mark hyung," I cracked my voice as I kept my head down.

"Thank you for loving me," he spoke after a deadly minute of silence. "I had loved you too," he added, which brought my tears to fall. That was probably the most beautiful thing yet the most painful word that I had ever heard in my life. It would be an understatement to say that he made me happy, because the impact that he did to my life was more than that. We genuinely loved each other for years, faced ups and downs together, argued with the pettiest reasons, dealt with each other's mood swings, laughed and cried about what life had offered us. He loved me, and yet, I am still in love with him.

I was still in denial even before I came here. I dressed up really nice, sprayed a perfume on, and even brushed my hair up. I thought, I'd still look beautiful.

But seeing this beautiful woman next to him, dressed in sparkling pink lace gown with her long curled hair stuck at the side of her neck, has brought me to the realization that I was beautiful in his eyes.