Hello guys!!! First of all I am very, very sorry for posting this waaaayyy too late huhu I just had my final exams and the exams were too hard I did not even have enough time to sleep!!! But since it’s our vacation now I managed to finish this story.

And another reason why I want to apologize is because this story . This story like... big time because I tried a different style, I guess it’s not a good thing because I am not good at this style apparently.

And for those who want a sequel, yes, I am going to write a sequel to this story. I just... moved on from this person that I fell in love with. I thought that at least... even though I did not get the happy ending that I wished, at least JIKOOK in this story should get that, right? I’ll just make my happy ending happen in this story

AND CONGRATULATIONS TO OUR BOYS!!! I KNOW IT’S TOO LATE BUT YEAH BTS ROCKED BILLBOARDS!!! THE WHOLE WORLD IS SHAKING!!!

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What If

The comforting beauty of the large, open area filled with green, healthy grass filled my vision as I walked back to the dormitory. Considering the fact that it was already past five in the afternoon, it was still bright outside, letting all the natural colors of nature shine.

A sigh escaped my lips. It was already Friday—the last day of one of the most stressful weeks in my entire schooling life, and the next day was certainly a well-deserved break from everything that happened these past few days. This week started with a physics exam, followed the next day by a math and a history exam. The only day that was devoid of school requirement was Friday, but even then, my co-applicants in the dance crew were demanding choreography for our final performance to get into the team. Time is just too short. School work was already eating it all. I can’t even spare dance even just a little.

I continued walking, mouthing the lyrics of the new KPop song that caught my attention recently. I let a small, contented smile slowly creep up my features as I turned my head to face where I was going, but the instant I saw him, I felt the all-too-familiar tension in my entire being.

The song changed. The new KPop song’s catchy tune managed to etch a small, contented smile onto my face, but it was soon replaced with stiff and tensed muscles that felt awfully close to the feeling of trying to hold back tears from falling from my eyes.

He was in front of me.

My knees briefly faltered, but before they totally gave up, I managed to recompose myself and regain my poise. He had not seen me yet. Should I just turn back and walk along a different path back to the comfort of my dormitory?

Feigning confidence, I kept walking forward, but as the distance between us got smaller, the more erratic my heartbeat became.

The said man looked up from the phone he was holding, and the instant those brown orbs met mine, my previously even and regular breathing hitched.

Hi. His lips moved as he waved his free hand to greet me. I had to at least be civil with him, so I sent him a rehearsed smile of acknowledgement. We parted on good terms. I can’t give him the wrong idea. Except that said “wrong idea” is not really wrong as per se, because really, I am not fine.

We did not talk, though. We only walked past each other after the brief interaction. It is probably because we both have our earphones on. At least, I did not have to awkwardly try to maintain a good conversation like the last time.

The last few meters before the bend on the road seemed to never end as the urge to look back got stronger. But what if he suddenly decides to check on me, too? What if, in his smugness, he decides to look back just to see if I am still looking at him? I cannot afford to lose what is left of my pride. With that thought in mind, I forced my feet to continue walking and my head to keep a straight gaze. Once finally around the corner, I held onto the lamp post for support and sighed.

But the question remains. Why the was he even there? Since the start of the semester, I had been walking along that same road after my physics classes, since it was always peaceful and not crowded. Well, I guess I have to look for another way back from now on.

 “Okay, we got this! Let’s go back and rest!” With regained strength, I straightened my back, readjusted the straps of my bag, and smiled. Lastly, I changed the song playing through my phone into the happiest one that I have and turned the volume up before I went on my way.

 

 

“Yah, Chim,” I shifted my attention from my food to my friend Taehyung, who was seated beside Seokjin. He recolored his hair to a light brown a few days ago, stating that he was already getting bored of his blonde hair. “Are you with us?”

“Yeah…” I nodded slowly, desperately trying to remember what we were talking about. Or rather what they were talking about. But I was not even listening to them talk. “What did you say again?”

A groan escaped Taehyung’s lips, putting his utensils down quite forcibly. Many of the heads of those who are also eating in the canteen turned towards us probably in curiosity. It is embarrassing, really.

“Is something wrong?” Seokjin asked me after swallowing the mouthful of food that he had in his mouth a few moments ago. “You seem… distraught.”

Am I that easy to read? “No, no, I’m fine, I’m sorry.” I shook my head at him. Seokjin’s face briefly contorted into a questioning one, but he eventually gave up and just continued eating his food.

Then, all of a sudden, Taehyung spoke up.

“It’s Jungkook, isn’t it?”

The surroundings fell silent. Am I just imagining things? Someone from another table dropped a metal spoon on the tiled floor, but it did not make a sound. Or did it? Despite the ringing silence in my head, I still held my head up and my expression high, refusing to show that the name still affects me this way. It has been so long now. It is not even that much of a relationship. Being hung up over it is almost disgusting.

But who am I kidding? Taehyung and I were not best friends of years for nothing. And if the sudden look of concern in his face was anything to go by, I really did not do a great job of hiding my feelings. I always wore my heart on my sleeves—it was pointless for me to try and hide my emotions. Everyone could see almost right through me. Everyone, except probably for one person.

There’s no point in lying to him, right? I did not dare to look at him in the eye as I continued slicing the piece of meat on my plate. “Just the usual. I ran into him this afternoon.”

“Really?! Really?!” The excitement in Taehyung’s voice was too obvious to ignore. “What happened?! Did something actually happen?!”

It was funny how invested Taehyung seemed at my not-so-love story. He had been among those who supported me a year ago—he witnessed how much of a fool I made of myself just for that man. He been a witness of how stupidly in love I was to Jungkook.

“Well, we said ‘hi’ to each other.”

“Yeah, yeah, of course that’s a given. And then?”

“And then, what?” I raised my brow at him. “That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less.”

“What?!” The youngest of the three exclaimed, causing more eyes to look at them. “No small talk, no ‘how are you’s, no nothing?!”

“What?!” He exclaimed. More eyes looked at us. “No small talk, no ‘how are you’s, no nothing?!”

“Keep it down, Tae.” Seokjin said calmly, hitting the younger’s shoulder to get his attention. “You’re overreacting again. Besides, it’s not like it’s new information. And you, Jimin,” He cotinued, looking over at me. “It’s been almost a year now, for god’s sake! Shouldn’t you be over it by now?”

He did not have to point it out that way. But I knew I needed that. A slap fresh from reality that will make me feel ashamed for not being able to move on.

“I know, hyung. I know.” I answered. “God knows that I tried, hyung, and that I am still trying. But… I just… can’t…”

“There’s a difference between not being able to do something, and not wanting to do something, Jimin.” Seokjin stated firmly. “Are you sure you even want to move on from him?”

“Yeah, yeah, he’s right.” Taehyung butted in, but with a lighter tone. “Are you actually ready to move on from him? Maybe you’re still hoping that someday he’ll come to you and—”

No.

“No, I’m not.” I could not stop my own voice from getting heavier. “I’m long past that stupid ‘still-hoping’ stage. It’s just that... I don’t know. I honestly don’t know why it’s still ing me up until now.”

My breathing was picking up its pace. My jaw started to feel a bit tighter as I tried to control my emotions, because I cannot lose control. Not now, when I am so, so close to being over it. If he would just stop appearing at the wrong places and at the wrong times...

“Mmmm... okay...” Taehyung’s voice did not hide his surprise. “I know I’ve said this dozens of times before, but maybe you just need closure? Like... an actual closure?”

 

 Park Jimin:

Hi! :) How are you?

Jeon Jungkook:

Hello! :)

I’m fine.

Park Jimin:

That’s good…

I just want to say sorry…

Jeon Jungkook:

???

Sorry for what?

Park Jimin:

Are you really going to make me say it?

Jeon Jungkook:

No… seriously, what’s this about?

Park Jimin:

The letter

That was a really… stupid move ahahahaha
It probably made you feel uncomfortable.

I’m so sorry for being inconsiderate.

Jeon Jungkook:

Ahhhhh… that...

It’s fine. :)

Park Jimin:

Really? Oh… that’s good.

So… we’re good, right? I miss you... and our group.

Jeon Jungkook:

Yeah… I miss you guys, too.

I’m sorry, hyung, I have to go.

Park Jimin:

Okay.

Bye! Take care!

Hope we can hang out some time. :)

 

“But we already have a closure, Tae.” I answered. I am getting tired of this talk. “We already talked about it. He said we’re good.”

“No, not that closure, idiot!” The brown-haired male said. “By closure I mean… did you guys already tell each other how you really feel? Did you already talk about what went wrong, why it just did not work out?”

We have not. But I do not need to know what went wrong with our lives. All that I have to do right now is to move past it and emerge as a stronger version of myself. It is Jungkook’s loss that he did not like me back.

“Well... He did not like me back. There’s really nothing more to talk about.” I my spoon clean before putting it down on the plate. I then stood up from my seat, ready to leave and rest for the night.

“But you know he’s right, Jimin.” Seokjin stood up from his seat to follow. “It’s almost a year now. If you’re stuck in this limbo, then maybe something’s wrong with what you’re doing.”

As much as I hate to admit it, Seokjin’s right. If what I am doing is going to work, then it should have done so a few months ago. But here I am.

“I’ll... think about it, hyung.” He was behind me, but I did not turn around just for him to read through me again. “Let’s go to our rooms. I’m tired.”

 

 

The next time I saw him is two weeks later, when I was coming to my last class for the day, my physics class. It is one hour earlier than the last. Apparently, Jungkook was also taking a different physics class in the same building, but his schedule was one hour earlier than mine. In fact, our classes are being held in the same room. But since I have another class being held in another building located at the other side of the campus right before the physics one, I usually come ten minutes late. By the time I reach the physics building, he was already gone.

Not that I want to see him. I am perfectly fine with being late. It is just that my previous class was dismissed early. It would not happen again, I will make sure of that.

But then again, I actually saw him when I was coming back to my dorm after my class. If his class was an hour earlier than mine, why did it seem like he was going back? Did he forget something?

Did he go back to meet someone?

“So class, answer this exercise! Then after that, class is dismissed!” The professor announce to the whole class, putting the microphone down on the table afterwards before preparing to leave. The question written in red font was flashed onto the white screen. I have to admit, it is a much harder question than the previous ones. Well then, I just have to look through my notes.

.

“Oh no...” I groaned after seeing the blank page of my notebook.  Apparently, I zoned out too long. Damn me and my thoughts.

With the help of my notes from the previous sessions and intuition, I managed to finish the problem on time. After putting my paper inside the collection envelope, I went out of the classroom and proceeded to the basement of the building where we hold our dance trainings. When I got there, Hoseok and Wheein were already stretching in their training clothes. I quickly put my bag down on one of the chairs and got changed to the clothes I brought with me. When I was done, I went back to join them in stretching.

“Hi guys.” I greeted them. “Where are the others?”

“Some can’t come.” Wheein said as she struggled maintain her position.

“It , though.” Hoseok chimed in. “I’m really excited to teach the new choreography. I don’t want to start teaching it now only to repeat everything once we’re complete.”

“It’s okay, hyung.”

I have only known Hoseok for two months, but I can already say that I know him. He is very passionate with his dancing—he already told us how much dancing helped him regain his life and happiness. How he is feeling whenever there is something wrong with the dance team is completely understandable.

The dark, thin scars on his wrist are a constant reminder of what he has gone through before he found life in dancing. They were healing, but they are still there.

As for the short, smiley female, I have known her for six years now, just like Taehyung. The two of them are taking up the same course, while I took a different one. Despite the differences, we are still as close as we can get. In fact, she was one of my go-to people when I was pining over Jungkook.

Also, she was my and Jungkook’s most faithful shipper. It was both a good thing and a bad thing—mostly bad. She shipped us so hard she raised my expectation and hope to dangerous levels.

“H-Hey, are you planning on murdering me or something?” The only woman in the place so far said. She was raising a brow at me. Was I glaring at her? Did I voice my thoughts out loud?

I could not stop my mouth from spitting out words. “It’s your fault.”

“What is my fault?”

“You gave me false hopes.” At an instant, the confused look on Wheein’s face disappeared as she seemed to immediately understand what I was saying. After all, this is not the first time that she is hearing this.

“Well, you can’t blame me. I just concluded based on your stories, Jimin.” She answered. “And I can’t think of any other explanation for his actions, except that the feeling is mutual. Remember when he praised your handwriting?”

 

“Clothing is a reflection of the culture’s social and political systems.” My professor said as he continued to pace around the room. I wrote down the keywords of what he said and tried to complete the thoughts with my own words.

“Woah...”

“What?” He was too close. He should not even be seated beside me. Seulgi should be between the two of us.

“You’re handwriting... it’s so pretty.” Jungkook scooted closer to me, his head lowering to get closer to my notebook. His breath tingled my hand, and it is driving me insane.

“W-What are you saying?” My heart thumped harder as I found it harder to speak. His proximity was way more than I could have ever imagined, and with him mouthing praise words that I so secretly craved...

“Your handwriting,” Jungkook answered, sitting properly. The distance may have increased to a more comfortable level, but his piercing eyes are still directed at me. “It’s so neat and pretty.”

“I... uhm... thanks?” He has to stop. He has to stop doing this to me, because I do not want to die young of heart attack. “B-But Hyejin’s h-handwriting is so much better...”

“What?” Hyejin asked, looking at me and Jungkook. She was my other seatmate.

“Really? Let me see.” Jungkook said, and since Hyejin was on my other side, the cutest in the world leaned over my seat to see her notebook. His soft, calming scent hit me, making me slightly light-headed.

And my stupid heart had to react. It started thumping against my chest so hard that Jungkook just might hear it if he would just move closer. Just a little bit closer.

 I cannot even tell if the situation I was in was heaven or hell.

After peering at Hyejin’s handwriting, and unconsciously—but still brutally—raising my heart’s bpm, Jungkook leaned back on his chair, his eyes still fixed on me.

“Yeah, hers is good,” Jungkook agreed. But was he still looking at me like he still has something to say.

“But I like yours better.”

 

“T-That’s not enough to conclude falsely.” I said to her. “You still should not have given me the wrong idea.”

 “But it’s your stories that gave me the ‘wrong’ idea.” She said. “If you can even call it ‘wrong’. But I don’t think it is, at least no, based on what you told me.”

“Well, you shouldn’t have shared that wrong idea with me.”

Wheein raised her brow at me and smiled. It was one of those smiles that spoke of future disasters and calamities.

“What about when he forgot where he was going because he enjoyed talking to you so much?”

 

“Where are you headed to, noona?” Seulgi looked at her phone to check the time before she turned to look at me to answer.

“I think I should head home now.” She answered. “I’m going to wait for a bus at that waiting shed. How about you, Jimin?”

“Oh, I’m gonna go back to the dorms.”

Looking at Jungkook, it was like he was waiting for something. He takes the same bus as Seulgi to go home, so maybe he was waiting for Seulgi to lead the way so he can follow.

“Okay then, I should go.” Seulgi said. She then proceeded to walk to the waiting shed that was not too far away. But after taking a few steps, she turned again, this time her face showing confusion. “Aren’t you going home yet, Jungkook?”

“O-Oh... Not yet, Seulgi-noona.” He answered. “I’m gonna meet some people near Jimin-hyung’s dorm.”

“Oh, I see.” She nodded. “Okay then, I’ll see you guys!”

“Bye, noona!”

“Bye!”

When Seulgi left, I started walking back to the dormitory with Jungkook right beside me. Moments alone with him were always filled with awkward silence. Maybe it was just me, but it is like we are not comfortable with being alone with each other. Like we were making each other uncomfortable.

But this time, instead of me trying to think of anything to talk about, it was Jungkook who initiated a conversation. And unlike me, who sounds like a dying whale running out of breath when trying to break the ice, he seemed confident.

 I was originally planning on walking slowly and putting my earphones on to listen to my favorite songs, but with him beside me like this, the idea seemed bad. Listening to him talk is so, so much better than any other song in my playlist.

Oh, how I wished for time to slow down and let me cherish the moment. How I wished that my dormitory was kilometers away.

How I wished that I could be with him for just a little longer.

But of course, it cannot be that way. We eventually reach my dormitory. Just before I left him to enter the building, Jungkook called me.

“Hyung,” He said as he scanned the place, like he was looking for something. “Where’s the waiting shed? So I could go home?”

“Huh?” I asked, confused. Did he not say that he was going to meet some people near my dormitory?

“Waiting shed.”

“Oh, yeah.” I tried to think of a nearby waiting shed, but there really wasn’t. The nearest one would already be the one where Seulgi went. “The nearest one’s where Seulgi-noona went to wait.”

“R-Really?” Jungkook asked, his doe eye shining in surprise. “That far?”

“Yeah. Haven’t you gotten into this part of the campus?”

“Not yet, to be honest.” He scratched his head. He was probably a bit embarrassed. How he looks like he was a lost puppy is just so cute. “So... I’ll be going now, hyung.”

But wait... did he not say that he was going to meet some people? Maybe he was just asking so he already knows where to go after the meeting. Yeah, that must be it. Or is it?

 “Okay. Take care.” I said after a few moments of thinking about the situation. He flashed me a disarming smile that had my heart jumping in contentment.

“Thanks, hyung.”

With that, he held onto the strap of his backpack and briskly walked away. Out of curiosity, and also because I was hoping that my thoughts were right, I silently followed him. He took the same path that we traversed together a while back. And turns out, was headed straight to the waiting shed that Seulgi pointed at not even an hour ago

My hopeful guess was right, and my even more hopeful heart rejoiced.

He did not have “some people” to meet.

 

 

“Oh look at our Jiminie,” Wheein chuckled, pointing an accusing finger at me. “Smiling just by thinking about his Jungkookie.”

Both she and Hoseok laughed, and all of the sudden, as if the air around us was with them, everything seemed warmer.

“Oh, oh, you’re blushing!”

“No I’m not!” I answered, tossing the nearest water bottle at her. She managed to move out of the way before it hit her square in the face. “Can’t we just start with the training already?”

“Yeah, I think we should.” Hoseok agreed. “I’m still curious though, about your Jungkookie guy.”

“It’s just Jungkook, hyung. Jeon Jungkook. Not Jungkookie. Not my Jungkookie.”

“Yah, don’t get mad.” Wheein butted in, already getting into position. “I thought you’re moving on? And by the way, what happened to that short and white guy you told TaeTae and me about? What’s his name again?”

“Oh, you mean Yoongi-hyung.” I answered, closing my eyes and stretching my neck that started feeling tensed. An instant sense of relief washed over me as the music started filling the room. I just might be able to relax by dancing. “He’s cute and friendly. That’s all.”

“I haven’t seen him yet, you know.” Wheein said.

“Oh, he’s cuter than Jungkook, trust me.” I answered, getting down to do some splits. In contrast to remembering Jungkook, recalling Yoongi was way more pleasant. “But I think you’ll still like Jungkook more because that fetus still looks manlier.”

“Nope, he does not look manly. Especially when you’re together.”

“Just shut up and stretch properly, will you?”

Hoseok was the one that led the training session. Other members and applicants started coming not too long after we started the music, and soon enough, the whole place was filled with sounds of laughter and pants, and my mind was once again only filled with happiness and dance.

This is one of the things that I craved—something to keep my mind away from all the stresses brought about by school work and personal life. Dancing with fun, noisy and kind people gave me the escape that kept me sane through everything.

The dance training lasted for two hours before we deemed the time late. When we were done, everyone said their good nights to each other and filed out of the basement. Hoseok and I lived in the same dormitory, so the two of us walked back together.

The chilly winds of the night planted goose bumps onto my skin that was already wet with sweat. Hoseok walked silently beside me. Every now and then, I sneaked a peek at him, and caught him looking at me curiously, like he was gauging me. Like he was preparing to say something.

Like he was preparing me for something.

I know him. He is the type of person that never lets go of something that had already caught his interest.

“Just say it already, hyung.” The face he made when I broke the silence was funny, had I not known what was running in his mind. “I can nearly hear your thoughts.”

“Oh... so you noticed.” He answered, chuckling. “I just wanted to ask about Jungkook.”

Oh.

“Yeah.” I nodded. It was a topic that I did not like talking about. The more people brought it up, the harder it becomes for me to move on. But I cannot just ignore their questions and tell them to quit it, right?

Right.

“He’s... someone. My classmate in one of my subjects two semesters ago.” I started. “I somehow managed to fall for him. People around me, including Wheein—god, that girl—told me that there’s a great chance that Jungkook likes me, too. Foolish me—I believed them. So I confessed to him. And it turns out that he did not like me back.”

Just thinking about it made me feel lots of negative emotions. Mostly anger. Anger towards myself for even believing that Jungkook will actually like me back. I mean, what would he see in me that he cannot see in other people that are much better?

“Oh... that’s... sad.” Hoseok mumbled. I can tell that he was not sure of what to say, afraid of setting off something in me. Then, all of a sudden, he asked, “Is he even into guys?”

“I don’t... I don’t know.” I answered honestly. “Everyone who has seen him told me that he wasn’t straight. But for me, he’s a very manly man.”

“You sound so smitten.” Hoseok remarked, and he was right. “Maybe you should talk to him about it? Did he tell you why his answer was like that?”

“No.”

“Then you should ask him.” He said thoughtfully. There was no underlying tone of mocking in Hoseok’s voice.

Many people have already told me to do the same thing. Wheein had done it before. Taehyung and Jin had done so as well. But all of them had failed to make me approach Jungkook and talk to him again.

“How about you invite him to our open training session?” Hoseok suggested. “You know... once a year, our dance club offers workshops to non-members. Maybe he’s interested? Maybe you can talk afterwards?”

What was Hoseok thinking? Dance is among the very few things that make me forget about the stresses of my life, and now he is suggesting that I should invite Jungkook to one of our sessions? That is just stupid.

“You know, I was once in your shoes as well.” Hoseok continued, probably interpreting my lack of response as an episode of internal conflict. “And I know that you know how painful it is—thinking about what happened, making theories, imagining what-ifs. The pain was too much that I resorted to drinking my troubles away.”

“Are you telling me to drink, hyung?” I asked jokingly. It was the first time he was telling me things like this. I already knew that he had gone through a lot in the past, but I just did not think that this kind of problem was one of those. Hoseok is a human form of sunshine—always smiling despite the school work, always making jokes, and always oozing confidence whenever he dances. Who would have thought that he was once at the dark side of the moon?

“No, not that, idiot!” Hoseok exclaimed, hitting my shoulder. “Let me finish. Okay... so once I got drunk. And I ended up drunk calling that person that caused me so much pain.”

A laugh ripped out of my throat at Hoseok’s words. It was ridiculous. That is exactly one of the reasons why I never wanted to drink alcoholic drinks—I do not want to lose control of the only thing that I can actually control, which is myself.

“That’s embarrassing, hyung!” I chuckled, still laughing at him.

“I know!” He answered. “But at least I got to talk to him, right? Maybe you should do the same? Like... pretend that you are drunk and drunk call him!”

“That won’t work, hyung. Jungkook knows that I don’t drink.”

Monday next week, there was not a training session. The previously-filled with laughter and music basement was silent, with only one man standing in front of everyone else who is seated on the cold, tiled floor. My co-applicants sat around me as we discussed the details of our final performance.

We only stopped to listen when Hoseok spoke.

“As we all know, next Monday is going to be the start of our three-day open training sessions.” He said, eyes scanning the dance team’s members. “Since we aren’t that popular yet, we should work hard in promoting this event. Chungha?”

“Yes?” A female with piercing eyes asked.

“You and Yoojung are gonna be in charge of the publicity materials, okay?”

“Yes.”

“But we have to do more than just that.” Wheein suddenly butted in, only raising her hand after already speaking. Shouldn’t she raise her hand first before speaking, and not the other way around?

“What do you mean?” Hoseok asked.

“Well... I dunno. Maybe each member should bring at least three people?” Wheein answered. The hushed sound of whispers, murmurs, and even chuckles suddenly filled the room at Wheein’s suggestion. Hoseok watched the other members talk about it among themselves.

“Yeah, we can do that.” Jackson, another member who has too busy lately with his studies to attend training sessions, agreed. “And the applicants can bring at least one.”

 The other members gave each other and Hoseok nods of agreement.

Hoseok clapped, silencing the growing noise inside the basement and putting the attention back to himself.  “That’s settled then.”

“But do we have to attend the open training?” Momo, my co-applicant who was seated just beside me, asked. “I mean... our final performance is coming. Maybe we can just use the time to practice?”

“No, you don’t have to.” Hoseok quickly answered. “But be sure to invite people to come, okay?”

“Okay.”

They then proceeded to discussing what styles to teach and which people should choreograph. But who should I invite? If I post the posters on my Facebook wall, would someone eventually notice and ask to join? I do not have that many friends on Facebook, though. And besides, even if I did have many friends on Facebook, no one would bother looking at my wall.

Not too long after that, the meeting was adjourned. Momo and the others quickly left the place, claiming that they still had lots of school work waiting for them. Chungha and Yoonjung left the place together, discussing about their plans for the event poster.

“Hey, Jimin!” An energetic Wheein suddenly bumped me with her shoulder, smiling. “How’s the final perf doing?”

“Ugh... we’re getting stressed.” I answered as I walked out of the basement with her in  tow. “Some people aren’t done with their choreographies yet. And no one’s good at audio editing!”

“Don’t feel too pressured, we will accept you guys anyway.” She smiled, patting my tensed shoulders. “It doesn’t have to be the best performance. Anyway, who are planning to invite?”

I could not stop a groan from sounding out of my mouth. “That suggestion of yours just added to my to-do list!”

“I have to admit though, that suggestion was nice.” Hoseok suddenly joined in, getting in sync with my and Wheein’s steps. “Maybe you can invite that Jungkook guy?”

“You gotta be kidding me, hyung.” Wheein and him laughed at the same time. They seemed to enjoy seeing me suffer so much.

“What? It’s not like I’m asking you to kiss him or something.” He answered, still smiling. Why does his face look like a punching bag? “Also, think about it. You can take the chance to talk about it to him, right?”

“I look at dance as an escape from reality, and I am not planning on ruining my only solace, thank you so much.”

“But it can also be liberating, you know.”  Wheein countered. “And you get to impress him with your moves!”

“I don’t need to impress him.” I firmly stated. This is getting out of hand. If the way my neck felt stiff was anything to go by, I am about to lose my cool if this continued. I had to end it quickly. “Can we just go home now? I still have school work to do, and talking about him won’t help me finish those.” I said, even though I did not have anything to do that was due the next day.

“Nah, you can go back to the dorms first.” Hoseok answered. “I still have a group study session outside. I don’t think I’ll get an ounce of sleep tonight.”

“Oh, I see.” I nodded. “How about you, Wheein?”

“Same as hyung.” She answered.

“I guess I’ll be walking back alone.” I sighed. “Oh well, see you guys then.”

The three of us bid each other good bye before parting ways, with the two of them going to the nearby waiting shed to wait for a cab. I, on the other hand, started walking back to the dormitory, already thinking of people to invite for the open training.

When I got back to my room after eating dinner, I immediately hopped into the bathroom to clean myself up for bed and to clear my mind, then quickly checked my social media accounts.

Apparently, Chungha and Yoojung were really good at making posters, because it was not even an hour after the meeting, and they have already posted their work. Even though it was pointless, since no one checks my wall anyway, I still shared the poster with the words “see you there” and a smiley. I just hope someone would miraculously stumble upon my account and take interest in the open training.

 

 

The next day, the first thing that I did even before I ate breakfast was to check my social media accounts. To my surprise, my repost about the open training last night already had a couple of reactions and comments, mostly of surprise to find that I actually danced. I had to admit though, it is not their fault for not knowing. No one can actually tell that I dance, because if I did, I would not be this fat, right?

There were eight comments—two asking for the details of the open training, five asking if it is true that I danced. There was, however one comment that caught my eye.

Jeon Jungkook

Are you going to be there, too?

Here he is again, doing that thing. Making me think of hopeful thoughts that maybe, just maybe, he wants to go to see me. But I would not fall victim of the same trick ever again.

For the sake of increasing the number of participants of the open training, I quickly typed a short reply before leaving the room to eat breakfast. My classes do not start until ten in the morning, so I still have a lot of time to relax and maybe enjoy the food if it was good enough, unlike everyone else in the canteen who seemed like they did not eat for days, given how fast they ate their food.

“Do you have company?” A familiar voice asked, prompting me to look up. “Mind if I seat down?”

“Oh, it’s you, Yoongi-hyung.” I smiled. “Of course I don’t mind.”

“Thanks.” He then took a seat in front of me and started eating. It was rare that this pale guy approached me—usually, he only does so to ask for a favor or ask something about a subject like math or physics. Like that one time that he burrowed my pen for his exam.

“Hey, I saw that poster about the open training thing.” He said. “Are you going to be there?”

“Well, I’m an applicant, so yeah. I still have to prove my sincerity in wanting to join the team.”

“I’ll see if I can come.” Yoongi suddenly said.

“Really?!” I asked, smiling. He also flashed me that cute gummy smile in return. “That’s great! I mean... we’re required to bring at least one person, so yeah. Thanks. By the way, I didn’t know that you dance.”

“I just like music in general.” He answered. Right after he said that, the school bell that rang every hour sounded.

“Oh, it’s already 7 AM.” I remarked. Yoongi took his phone out, probably to check the time, and shrugged. “What time is your class anyway?”

“7 AM.”

“What?!”

“It’s fine. I’m always late for it anyway. I always oversleep.” He continued, still leisurely eating his breakfast. I did not have a class for the next three hours, so there was no reason for me to rush. But him...

“But hyung... You have to hurry now.” I said to him. “What’s your first class?”

“Math.”

“See? That’s a hard subject!” I waved my spoon in front of him for emphasis. “I know a couple of people that failed math even though they went to it on time, not missing even a single day.”

Jungkook was one of those people. At least there was something that he was not good at.

“Okay, okay fine, just this once.” Yoongi said, finishing up his breakfast with a smile. He then stood up and got ready to leave. “Just because you asked me to.”

“Bye, hyung.”

“Bye.”

Not long after Yoongi left for his class, I also finished my breakfast and went back to my room. Just like any other day, I went back to surfing the net and looking through my social media accounts after eating breakfast. I was in the middle of watching a cha cha performance by one of my favorite dancers when my Facebook tab pinged, indicating a new message.

I quickly paused the video and switched tabs, only to see a not-so-wanted chat box open.

Jeon Jungkook:

The open training’s for everyone, right?

It was really, really tempting to say that no, not everyone can join. We were only required to bring one person with us, and Yoongi had already expressed interest in joining the open training. But then again, it would be very low of me to do that merely out of emotions.

Park Jimin:

Yeah. Why, wanna join?

Jeon Jungkook:

Still thinking about it. I’ll check my schedule.

Being a person with substandard grades, the chances of him being free enough for the open training are low. He is into dancing, though, as far as I know. Regardless, if I had a say in the matter, I would not want him there.

How am I supposed to make him not go without making it too obvious? Another ping made me snap back to reality.

Jeon Jungkook:

Are you going, too?

It was supposed to be nothing but a question, but that question could only mean two things. It is either he would go if he knew that I will go, too, or he just wanted to make sure that he would not see me there. I bet it is the latter.

I do not want him there, either.

Park Jimin:

Yeah… I’m an applicant so I need to be there.

Right after the “seen” text appeared under my last message, the logged off. It was to be expected, really. I just ruined his plan of going to the open training by saying that I will be there. It was supposed to hurt, actually, but I just cannot seem to care anymore. It is a win-win situation for the two of us, anyway, so I guess I did the right thing.

I let a sigh flow out of my lips before I closed the Facebook tab and opted to continue watching the dance video I paused to talk to Jungkook. The next two hours passed by quickly with me just breezing through more dance videos and random articles. When it was already nine in the morning, I started preparing to leave for my classes.

The rest of the day went just like the usual—go to one building, sit for an hour and a half, go to the next building, repeat. It was routine, but not boring. Every single day I get to see something, or someone, new. Many of the people I meet along the way from one class to another are just like me. They are also students struggling with academics and other personal stuff. But sometimes, I wonder if they also experience the same frustrations that I do. Do they also find themselves too lonely sometimes? Do they feel like failing their subjects? Do they also see themselves ugly, just like the way I see myself?

Do they also struggle with their feelings for another person?

“Jimin!”

A deep voice of a woman called to me, making me stop on my tracks. It was already well past five in the afternoon.

“Jimin, Jimin!” She continued as I turned around to look at her. I smiled as soon as I recognized her.

“Seulgi-noona!” I answered, going back to meet her halfway. Her small eyes crinkled as her smile grew before she engulfed me in a hug.

“It’s been some time, isn’t it?” She said. She then released me from the hug and sighed. As usual, she looked amazing, like every day is a shooting for her.

“Yeah, I know.” I replied. “How are you?”

“Nothing unusual, still crying over exams and other requirements.” We both laughed at her reply before he continued. “Hey, I’ve seen the poster you shared.”

“What? You wanna go?”

“Are you going to be there?” She asked in return. “I knew you danced, but I never had the chance to see it. Maybe I should go?”

“Yeah, yeah, you should!” I answered enthusiastically. It has been almost a year now since I last talked to her. She mentioned sometime in the past that she danced, but just like her, I never had the chance to see her do it. “It’s about time that I see you dance!”

“Oh dear, you’d be surprised.” She chuckled. “Maybe we should invite the gang as well? You know, Jungkook and Hyejin? They dance, too, right?”

Oh, even here? The universe is really conspiring against me. Why does every situation have to lead to conversations about Jungkook?

Seulgi must have noticed the effect that the cursed name had on me, because after I failed to give her a prompt answer, her face contorted to that of concern.

“Hey, are you alright?”

“Y-Yeah.” I nodded, smiling. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

She let out a sigh before walking slowly, making me follow her. “I didn’t think it would still affect you until now, sorry.”

“Really, noona, it’s nothing.” I answered, still trying to convince her that I am alright. That I am fine.

“Oh Jimin.” She said, patting my head softly. “You know you’re the worst liar, right?”

“But I’m not lying. I’m really fine.”

“Come on, you can talk to me about it.”

“It’s really nothing, noona.”

“But your reaction says otherwise.”

“I’m fine.”

“But—”

“I said I’m fine!” I butted in, not letting her finish her words. I was quickly getting tired of this conversation. The shocked look on Seulgi’s face made me feel a bit guilty, but it was her fault anyway. I already told her I am fine. Why does she act like she knows me better than I know myself?

“See?” She smiled. “You’re not fine, Jimin. Because if you are, you wouldn’t have shouted at me.”

She was right. Seulgi was with me the whole time that I was pining over Jungkook. In fact, I can even say that she was one of the reasons why I fell for Jungkook in the first place.

 

“Jimin, Jimin,” Seulgi tapped on my shoulder, whispering. “I have something to tell you.”

“What, noona?” I asked. How quickly the two of us became this close is still beyond me, but I am happy. She was a good company.

“Look at that guy to my right.” She said, giggling. Girls, really.

I just did what she asked me to do and took a look at the guy to her right. The first thing that I noticed was the absurdly large nose that was perched between his eyes.

“What?”

“He’s so cute!” She squealed, giggling again. “He looks like an idol!”

“Really, that guy?” I asked, suppressing the laugh that was threatening to escape my lips. “But noona, his nose is probably bigger than his brain.”

“That’s rude!” She pouted. “Well, get ready to deal with that one hell of a nose, because I’m going to befriend him no matter what.”

She then proceeded to talking to the guy with a giant nose. She eventually befriended him, and since Seulgi and I were package deal, I was forced to befriend this guy named Jeon Jungkook. Hyejin came a little bit later, when the professor asked us to form groups of four for the final project.

Since all four of us had to work hard together for the subject’s final requirement, we ended up spending lots of time together, enough for me to get to know Jungkook and eventually fall for him. He was a very fun person. I was sort of right when I said that his nose may or may not be bigger than his brain, but maybe it was just because he was not concentrating much on his studies.

Seulgi was right. Jungkook can actually be an idol, but that is not just because he was really good-looking. He was also very talented.

Seulgi was the one that had interest in him first.

But I was the one who ended up falling in love with him.

 

“Have you talked to him about it?” Seulgi asked. I only shook my head as a response to him, not trusting my voice enough. Again with this talk. It was quickly getting old, actually, but for some reason, hearing the same advice from other people makes it more convincing.

“Maybe you should. Jungkook would not judge you for it, I know him. You know him.”

“But I don’t know how, noona.” I answered, lost. “I don’t know how to approach him. Every time I see him, I get too tongue-tied that the only thing that I can say is ‘hi’.”

“It doesn’t have to be in person, you know.” Seulgi said, smiling. “If you can’t face him now, maybe you can talk to him over the phone or over Facebook.”

There were countless times when I sat in front of my laptop with Jungkook’s chat box opened for minutes, thinking of things to say and mustering enough courage. I have lots of things to say to him. But the only thing that I never had was courage.

“You’ve gathered up enough courage to confess to him in person, Jimin. And I admire you so much for it.” Seulgi said, her voice full of nothing but sincerity. “You’ve done it before. You can do it again.”

 

 

I had difficulties with even touching the keyboard of my laptop. All of a sudden, the same object that I used every day without hesitation seemed very daunting to me, because I know that once I start this, there is no going back. I am already so used to pushing back every single bit of emotion that I have for Jungkook, and right now, I am forcing myself to let it all out. To let go.

I remember that time when I confessed to him. It was the last day of the semester back then, and it was also my last class for the day.

Last day of classes. This is also my last chance to confess to him. My last chance to get with him, according to my friends who kept on insisting that he likes me back.

I’m nervous.

He was usually among the last people to come to class, since his class before is being held in the building across the campus. But this time, when I got into the classroom, the first thing I saw was his classic white shirt and jeans combination. The look never gets old, at least when it is him.

It makes me want him more.

“Oh, hi, hyung!” Jungkook greeted me when I stepped into the room, looking up from his phone. Was he always that sensitive of sounds? How did he even know that I am already here?

“Hi.” I answered, approaching out seats. He was seated in his usual place, a chair right in between us for Seulgi to seat on. This is my last chance. It is now or never. “Are you busy right now?”

Jungkook tilted his head to the side in adorable confusion. “Not really. Why?”

“Can we talk outside? Just the two of us?” Even though Jungkook already started standing up, the bad feeling in the pit of my stomach would not go away. I ignored it, though, and started leading the taller away to a more secluded place.

It was not even a minute of walk. I tried to calm myself down by taking regular deep breathes, but the butterflies just cannot seem to stop fluttering.

“Whooo… okay.” I said, shaking my hands that already grew cold. “How do I even start this?”

“What is it, hyung?”

“Okay... uhm… are you open-minded?” I blurted out. Silence hung around us like the air itself, awkward feeling already starting to escalate.

Jungkook must have felt the awkward air, too, since he answered with a forced laugh. “W-What is this? Are trying to recruit me into a networking scam or something? Will it turn my one hundred won into one hundred thousand won in just a week?”

“That’s not it!” I exclaimed. It was good that Jungkook cracked a joke, because it calmed my heart down a little bit. “I’m being serious here.”

“Just say it, hyung, the class is about to start.” Jungkook said, smiling.

“I… I…” I tried, but I cannot seem to get the words out. I took another deep breath before speaking again. “I like you.”

Jungkook fell silent. His beautiful doe eyes blinked once, and then twice. I took his silence as a means to tell me to keep talking.

“I like you… for a while now. I don’t even know why, but I just… I just fell for you. And I think it’s only fair if I tell you this, just for the sake of you knowing it, and me getting it out of my system.”

Jungkook kept blinking, the rest of his body unmoving. The longer he stayed silent, the wilder my heartbeat became. The next few seconds felt like years.

I was about to open my mouth again to tell him to answer me when he smiled and said, “Ah… it’s fine to me. As long as it’s not a networking scam.”

Oh.

I guess my friends were wrong then.

“O-Oh. I see.” I managed to say as I threw away the hopeful thoughts that Wheein and Taehyung instilled in my mind. My eyes felt funny—are they tearing up? Maybe not. “L-Let’s go back now.”

I turned my back to him and started walking back to the classroom. That one-minute walk was full of heavy sighs and silent curses for me. Rejection should not even hurt this much, had my friends not given me false hopes. They had help me, no, pushed me up to the highest peak of the mountain, to the top, to the place with the most beautiful view, not knowing how much it would hurt me once I fall.

I took a seat on my usual seat with a heavy heart. Hyejin was already there when we got back, occupying the seat to my left, but to my surprise, Jungkook took the seat to my right, the one where Seulgi was supposed to seat. He handed me a square white paper and said.

“Can you fold a paper crane for me?”

“Oh… s-sure.” I said, forcing a smile. I ignored the way he intently watched as I folded the paper into a paper crane, like he was a child learning something from his parent. After I finished with it, I handed it over to him. He then smiled and proceeded to pulling the crane’s tail and neck. What was he even doing with it?

His smile disappeared before he tried to tug on both ends again. “Why is it not flapping its wings?”

“I don’t know how to fold the ones that flap.” I simply answered, already taking my notebook out from my bag. From my peripheral vision, I saw him unfolding the paper crane carefully, and refolding it. However, he did not fold along the creases that my previous folding left.

“Okay, class this is our last day, so listen carefully as I round up everything.” The professor said as he began the discussion. I put attention to him fully, and tuned Jungkook out of my mind for some time. I did not know what he was doing with the paper until a he placed the finished product down onto my desk.

A paper rose, carefully folded.

I bravely took a look at him. There was a soft smile etched on his lips, but I suppose he was always like that. Or maybe he was not really smiling—it was just my hopeful mind making up the images.

I lifted the work of art carefully and looked at it. If I still had the same hope and confidence that gave me the courage to confess my feelings to him, I could have thought of the gesture as something that is romantic. But no. He just rejected me a few moments ago, right?

So why would he mean it like that?

Maybe he just wanted to show me that he can fold a paper rose. Yeah, that should be it. So I smiled at him and returned the delicate object. “Wow… it looks great. Makes me want to learn how to fold a rose, too.”

After I successfully and safely set the thing down on his desk, I snapped my head up to focus on the professor again. For the rest of the class, I did not let my eyes wander to my right.

I did not even bid my friends a proper goodbye after the class. I felt so terrible that I made up a random excuse about having an appointment right after the class, just so I can get away from the place as soon as possible.

Just so I can immediately start moving on.

 

Remembering that time made me vulnerable again. I felt so weak that maybe even the smallest thing could make me break down and cry. All the bottled up emotions that I have managed to hide for nearly a year now came back in full force.

Maybe trying to clear things up with him really is the answer. Maybe I did not have to carry this burden for this long, had I been brave enough to seek closure directly from him.

My neck is stiff when I started typing the things that I wanted to say.

 

Hello! How are you?I hope you’re doing just fine out there… It’s been a long time since our group hung out, right? Ah… I miss you guys.

But really, though, I think I have to go straight to the point. I can’t move on from you. I know it’s stupid, I know it’s pointless, but really, I can’t help but blame you. I can’t help but feel anger and spite towards you, even though this is all entirely my fault.

And that is unfair to you. It’s unfair if I hold a grudge against you without you even knowing why, without you even being able to defend yourself. So I’m writing this... to ask you. Not because I’m still hoping that you’d miraculously say that you like me back.

What happened? What did that rose even mean? Did you give it to me just because you wanted to show me that you can fold a paper rose, or did it mean something else? Did you really reject me?

Do you really not like me back?

Ahhh... I know I sound so stupid right now. I can even imagine you cringing as you read this. But can you do one last favor for me? Even just as a friend? Can you give me the peace that I have been so desperately looking for?

Did I even have a chance in the first place? If I had phrased my confession differently... if I had not started with that stupid “Are you open-minded” question, would it have made a difference?

Are you even gay? Or bi, at least?

I know my questions are so awkward for you, but I hope you can answer them. It’s been a year since the last time my heart felt truly happy. Please... help it be happy again.

I took a deep breath after typing the last word in my message to him, and let my hand hover over the enter button. Should I really do this? Isn’t it all too sudden? It has been a long time since I talked to him... he would probably find it really weird if I sent this to him at this moment.

But Seulgi’s words echoed in my mind. She was right—everyone else was right. There will be a time that I would have to talk to him about things, and there will never be a “right time” to do it.

That is why before I chickened out of my original plan, I forced myself to send the message. A drop of tear rolled down from my eye and dropped onto the table before I had the chance to wipe it away. Was I really that slow that I cannot even catch my own tears?

“Pathetic me...” I mumbled with a chuckle, this time wiping the tear from the other eye. A choked sob managed to tear its way out of my throat as more tears fell from my eyes. I do not know if I was really crying or I was laughing too hard because it was hard to tell when you are laughing while tears fell from your eyes. What I know though is that it hurt. Even breathing hurt.

Just this once. Just this one last time, I will let my guard down. No one is here to see it anyway but my pathetic self. If anyone would see me and know why I was like this, they would probably think that I am losing my jams.

But I cannot help it. It hurt too much. I do not know how long it took before I fell asleep like that, but I remember wiping away more tears right before I slipped into slumber.

The next day, I woke up with puffy eyes and a throbbing head. The fact that I woke up a lot later than usual did not help in making me feel any better. I only had fifteen minutes left before my first class of the day—I had to actually jump out of bed and rush to the showers to have a quick cleanup.

That is how I ended up letting my head hang low between my shoulders as I walked from class to class. I can literally feel everyone eyes on me, probably judging me for looking like so early in the morning. Bad thing is, even my concentration in class is affected.

The rest of my day was filled with more embarrassing walks to classes. I could not even have lunch, since I apparently walked too slow that I was not able to go back to the dormitory canteen before the lunch time ended. My wallet was empty as well, since it has been two weeks since I last visited an ATM.

Long story short, my day was ruined. The only saving grace was the anticipation towards the dance training after my last class. I know that it is dangerous to dance on an empty stomach, but I could not care less. I needed my stress relief, and I was going to get it, hungry or not.

As usual, Wheein and Hoseok were already there when I arrived. Their initial reactions once they set their eyes on me were not what I was hoping for, but I could not blame them.

“Jiminie... no offense but you look like you’ve been run over by a bus.” Wheein chuckled, teasing. On any other day, I would have joined her in ridiculing myself, but I am not in the mood to do so.

“Yah, what happened?” Hoseok asked. I do not feel like talking to people about what happened, so I simply ignored Hoseok’s question and started stretching.

“It’s Jungkook, isn’t it.”

Wheein let out a snort. “Aren’t you being overdramatic, Jimin?” She asked. “ You should not be affected by now. It’s been a year, for god’s sake!”

“But I can’t not get affected!” I answered, trying to defend my case. Everyone knows how much I tried not to get affected. But I just cannot do it. It is not like I like feeling like dying every single time Jungkook crosses my mind.

“But it shouldn’t be this bad, Jimin!” She countered. “You didn’t ever have a relationship with him, and yet you’re acting like you guys just broke up! Other people go through breakups, but some of them move on faster than you! To think that breakups after years of relationship hurt more—”

“Don’t you dare tell me how to feel, Jung Wheein, because you’ve got no goddamn idea on what I am going through!” I answered. Just when I thought I could finally feel better—Wheein just had to ruin everything! She is supposed to know better than most people. Where did all those bull words come from? Is this how she felt about my problem right from the start?

“T-That’s not what I meant—”

“No, Wheein!” I cut her off. I was not having any of her words. Not today. “You can’t just go around saying words that you don’t mean, invalidating other people’s struggle just because others ‘have been through worse’!”

“Hey, Jimin, calm down.” Hoseok interrupted, stepping between Wheein and I and pulling me away with a hug. By the time I was done voicing my thoughts out, I was already panting, my neck feeling stiff from all the pent up rage and emotion.

It is only when I looked at Wheein’s crestfallen face did I realize the harsh words that I thoughtlessly spitted out. How can I scream at a long-time friend over something like that?

“I-I’m so sorry Wheein.” I mumbled, feeling ashamed for what I did. “I’m just... I’ve had a tough day and—”

“It’s fine, Jimin...” She answered, smiling softly. “You’re right anyway. I’m sorry, too.”

“Maybe you should just go home for today.” Hoseok suggested. “You don’t look like you can train.”

“I can, hyung.” I insisted. “I need this. Please.”

 

 

With the help of the numerous school requirements that usually took most of my time, I was able to move past another depressing set of days brought about by my recollection of what went down between me and Jungkook—or at least what I thought happened.

A day before the open training of the dance crew, Taehyung and I decided to hang out with Wheein. We were walking to the biology building where Wheein’s last class for the day was when it happened.

I felt it hours before it happened. Just when I was good again, Jungkook decided to show up.

I knew something bad was bound to happen today, but I did not think that it would be this. Since the start of the day I already had a nagging feeling that something big and nasty was going to happen. The first thing that entered my mind was maybe my guts were trying to tell me that there will be a surprise test of some kind, or homework due today that I forgot to do. Fortunately for me, none of those things happened. Just when I thought I was going to survive the day safely, this happens.

My luck—or rather the lack of it—never fails to amaze me.

“Y-Yah, Minnie,” Taehyung whispered onto my ear. “Isn’t that Jungkook?”

“Yeah, it’s him.” I answered, trying my best to keep my cool. The distance between us and the said man was quickly decreasing as we continued to walk. Jungkook had his gaze on the phone on his hand, so he probably has not seen us yet.

“What should we do?” Taehyung asked. I did not know how to answer him. It would have been easy to say that we should just continue walking and greet him in a civil way, had I not sent a letter to Jungkook days ago. When I checked my Facebook last night, he had not sent a reply, so maybe he has not seen my letter yet. That, or he did not think of it worthy of a reply.

I would seem like a coward if I cannot greet him normally. We were friends at some point in the past, and it would only be proper if I would at least acknowledge him.

And truth be told, as stupid as it sounds... I kind of missed him.

“Nothing.” I finally answered. I took a deep breath before continuing to walk. Even though I  cannot see him, I can tell that Taehyung is worried for me, and that gives me just a little more courage as I closed the distance with Jungkook.

When we were about ten feet apart, he looked up from his phone, his doe eyes immediately finding mine. They were still as beautiful as before, even with the hint of surprise gracing them.

His eyes flicked from me to Taehyung, and back. There was about a second of awkward staring before Jungkook smiled, and it was breathtaking.

“Hi.” I greeted him, and he waved at me. He then looked back down on his phone, but I let my eyes wonder at his whole figure before I diverted my gaze to the road ahead of us.  Our shoulders were already past each other when Jungkook spoke again.

“Hyung.” He said. It has been a year since I last heard that voice, and my heart clenched. I already acknowledged my longing for him a long time ago, but god, how  I actually missed him.

I missed him, so much that I almost threw away all of my efforts to move on. I wanted to hold him, to just hug him. Fortunately, my mind was quick to react and stop me from making a fool of myself again.

“Yeah?”

“The open training thing starts tomorrow, right?” He asked. So he really is interested in coming to that event.

“Yeah.”

“Are you going, too?”

Why was he asking? Maybe he did not want to go to the event if I was there?

“Yeah.” I answered.

“Which sessions?” He continued asking. I am right. He is asking, so he can avoid the sessions that I am going to attend. I really, really want to attend all of the sessions, but he probably would not go if he learned that I would be there every day. Since the open training will be done to promote the crew, I should not let my personal issues affect the success of the event.

“I’m a bit busy, actually.” I answered. Not that he would want to hear that anyway. “I think I’ll just attend the last one. Don’t worry, though, the other sessions are really good, too.”

“I see.” Jungkook nodded. “Thanks, then. Bye.”

“Bye.” I answered. He then turned to continue walking, already looking at his phone again. Taehyung and I continued walking to the biology building, but it was not even two steps later when I again heard Jungkook’s voice.

“Jimin-hyung!” He called. I turned around to look at him. He was standing straight, his whole body facing me and Taehyung. The phone he was holding a while back was already gone. His mouth opened and closed to speak like that of a fish—it was adorable, actually—but no sound came out. It is like he wanted to say something but decided against it at the very last moment, but it is probably my heart assuming things again.

He took a breath before speaking, this time with the same beautiful voice.

“We should meet up with Seulgi-noona and Hyejin-noona one of these days.” He said. “You know... hang out and catch up.”

“Oh. Y-Yeah, we should.” I answered. Jungkook nodded before he turned around to continue on his way, pulling his phone out again from his pocket.

I, on the other hand, let out a sigh of relief after the encounter. I continued walking to the opposite direction, my back now seemingly straighter and my steps now with a bit more conviction. Taehyung, who had been silent for the whole duration of the conversation, walked beside me, following my pace with no difficulty, thanks to his long legs.

“I’m proud of you, Jimin.” He said. “You did really great.”

“Thanks.” I said, smiling at him. I again faced the way ahead of us, but after a few seconds, Taehyung called my attention again by tapping my shoulder.

And he did that same mouth thing Jungkook did a few moments ago. Knowing him, my best friend was thinking of saying something when he does that.  It is either he is still thinking of the right words to use, or he is conflicted between saying it and not.

“Come on, Tae, just say it.” I said, persuading him to just say it. He closed his mouth and looked up. When he does that, it means he is thinking deep.

“Jimin,” He started. “If for some unknown reason—it doesn’t have to be actually real—but if it happens... what would you do if Jungkook tells you that he likes you too?”

That is stupid. I cannot even think of it happening, to be honest. Out of all the stupid things that came out of Taehyung’s mouth, that is probably the most stupid-est thing.

“Kim Taehyung, I know your mind can do better.” I replied, avoiding the question altogether. “That’s impossible in all aspects.”

“Oh come on, Minnie!” Taehyung protested. “Just... what if?”

“I won’t believe him.” I answered. “One year, Taehyung. One year to sort things out. Don’t you think it’s too late now for him to say that?”

My best friend nodded in understanding. “I see...”

“He’d have to prove it, if he really likes me.” I continued. “He’d have to fight for me and make up for all the moments that I cried all alone, all by myself because of him. But come on, we both know that won’t happen. That can’t happen.”

“Okay.” Taehyung answered. “I’m glad you won’t just blindly believe him. But Minnie, try to soften up a bit, okay? Open your heart again, okay? Promise me.”

I let out a chuckle of amusement at Taehyung’s words. “You’re being too dramatic, Tae. But yeah, just give it time... I promise.”

 

 

When I said to Jungkook that I am a bit too busy to attend the open training, I was lying. But that was exactly what happened—due to the upcoming final performance that we applicants needed to do to get into the team, I became too busy to attend the open training.

Wheein and Hoseok are also probably too busy juggling school and dance. I cannot disturb them and take up some of their precious just to ask them how the event was going. Or to ask them if Jungkook actually attended.

The only time that I was able to go to the open training was during the last one, just like what I said to Jungkook. Because I already warned him that I would probably come for the last session, I am pretty confident that he would not be there.

When I got to the venue, the training has not started yet, but there were already a few people around, getting ready to dance. The members were already getting everything ready for the session, checking wires left and right and making sure the gallons of water are still cold.

Yoongi was already on the side, swiping on this screen of his phone. He is still cute despite the hint of a scowl on his features. All of a sudden, he looked up from his phone, and looked around until his gaze met mine.

A smile immediately appeared on both our faces as we acknowledged each other. He then proceeded to scrolling on his phone again. Maybe he is reading something.

I wiped the sweat that trickled down my face during my walk to the venue before padding to Wheein.

“Oh, Jiminie, you’re here?” Wheein asked, smiling. “Don’t you guys have rehearsals today?”

“Oh, we had,” I answered. “It’s just that we finished early. I really wanted to attend at least one of the open trainings, so here I am.”

“Aww... what an active applicant.” I turned my head to see Hoseok approaching us. His usual bright smile was plastered on his face. “It’s good to have you here.”

“I see you guys haven’t started yet.” I commented, looking around at the people in the venue.

“Oh, we’re about to, actually.” Wheein answered. “You should join the other participants. Stand in front, okay? That’s an order.”

I gave her a nod before getting into position. They started playing the music that we are going to dance to, getting everyone pumped up and cheering. Yoongi took his place to my left and stretched for a bit, twisting his torso. We gave each other a smile before Hoseok got into position in front of everyone, greeting the participants firstly before jumping into introducing the style that he was going to teach.

“Okay, everyone, get into squatting position.” Hoseok said, making everyone do as instructed. “Do a punching motion directed to the ground with your right arm and then—oh, a new comer!” He smiled, looking past everyone to the door. “Come, join the rest of the participants!”

“Hi,” A painfully familiar, shy voice answered. “Thank you.”

My heart started beating a bit faster. This cannot be. This cannot be happening. I made sure to be as explicit as possible in telling him when I was attending the training. Did he forget? Or is he playing with my feelings?

I casted a glance at Wheein, who, as I had thought, was looking at me wide-eyed. Her gaze switched from me to the person who just came into the place, and then back at me. She mouthed some words that I would not be able to read on any other day, but the alertness of my mind made her words clear.

It’s Jungkook.

I nodded at her and took a deep breath, resisting the urge to turn around and look at him. I know there is no way I can avoid him throughout the whole session, especially since I am an applicant. I am bound to attract some attention.

But I am going to do my best to try and make him not notice my presence.

I tried to maintain my composure. Despite the loud voice that Hoseok used to resume instructing, my heart still reacted to Jungkook’s steps as he shuffled around the room, probably looking for a spot. I can practically feel the way his feet lightly and cautiously threaded the floor. Wheein’s expression as she watched on the sidelines gradually morphed from concern to that of horror as the steps sounded closer and closer.

“Hyung,” Without looking, I knew the brat was already beside me. “Nice to see you.”

I searched for any hint of sarcasm from his voice, but there was none. As if his appearance was not confusing enough. Why does he sound so... genuine?

“H-Hi.” I answered. I cannot do this anymore. It was getting too much—I need to do something, anything. I sent Wheein a pleading look, asking her to do something to get me out of this very tight situation.

She immediately stood up and approached Hoseok, pulling him away to the far corner where we could not hear them, but not before quickly excusing themselves to the participants. I let out a sigh of relief as I watched them talk. As soon as Wheein finished her first round of words, Hoseok’s face turned into a face of surprise before he casted a look at me.

“Jiminie.” Hoseok started as he and Wheein went back to their previous positions. “Can you come here for a second, I have something for you to do.”

In order to not show how much I wanted to get out of there, I let out a sigh and acted like I did not want to approach him. I can feel everyone’s gaze on me, including Jungkook’s. It made me feel a bit insecure, and it only fueled my desire to get out of my spot.

“Jimin...” Hoseok whispered. “Do you want to go back to the dormitory?”

I gave him a small shake of the head. I really, really wanted to attend at least one of the open training sessions. All I want is to get away from Jungkook’s side, but not to leave the place altogether.

“Okay. I don’t know how to do this, really.” Hoseok said, scratching his head. “How about you leave for a while, as if I asked you to do some errand? I’ll make them rearrange themselves, so that once you come back, you can have a different spot.”

“Thanks, hyung.” I answered, stepping back. I started for the exit and went out of the venue, meeting the chilly night air.

No matter how hard I think about it, I could not find the reason why he would come and show up on the day that I specifically said. Is he doing this to torture me? Just to see how I would react? Or maybe to make fun of my dancing?

That is just unfair of the world. As if being literally painfully in one-sided love with him for a year is not bad enough, fate decided to throw such a dirty bomb at me

“Ah! Why me?!” I screamed into the night sky, letting out the frustration. I let the cold air fill my lungs to clear my thoughts. What if I had not studied in this university? Would I avoid such painful state?

What if I did not take that class where I met him? Would we meet in a different place, at a different time?

What if I did not take a chance and confessed that day? Would we make good friends?

What if... just what if...

What if he loved me, too? Would we make a happy couple just like in the dramas?

But all of those... those are in the past. And I cannot go back in time to undo my enrollment in the university, nor can I go back in time and stop myself from confessing.

And much less can I tell his heart and force it to love me the same way that I loved him.

“Wby am I thinking about these things now?” I chuckled to myself.

Maybe Hoseok has already rearranged everyone. With that thought in mind, I headed back to the venue, shaking away the thoughts that I let fill my mind. True enough, when I arrived inside, Jungkook was already standing at the back row.

“Oh, Jiminie. You’re back, what did they say?”

What was he talking about? I did not even speak to anyone outside. Turning on my actor mode, I smiled at him and answered.

“Let’s just talk about it after the session.”

“Okay.” He answered. “Take your place in front, I arranged you guys by height, so I can easily observe everyone.”

“Why do you have to point out how small I am?!” I retorted, slightly offended at what Hoseok did. Everyone laughed a bit at the situation, even Yoongi, who ended up being right next to me.

“If that long-faced human was my friend, I would’ve killed him already.” Yoongi mumbled loud enough for me to hear. I hit his shoulder with the back of my hand.

“What? He’s rude. It’s not like he’s that much taller than us.”

“I know.” I answered. “But still, I’m thankful.”

“Thankful for what?” Yoongi asked, curious. I cannot just tell him that Hoseok rearranged us just so I could get away from Jungkook.

“Nothing.” I responded instead.

After our small talk, the training resumed. Jungkook’s distance from me helped a lot—it was even like he was not there. Whenever we had to turn around for the dance, all I had to do was to look down at floor.

Also, Yoongi’s constant complaints about his joints and back and knees and various body parts that are “too unused to use” as he said kept my mood on the bright side. After this training session, I will make sure to befriend him and talk to him more. He seems like a cool person—cold and harsh on the outside, but fun and warm on the inside.

Compared to the dances that Hoseok choreographs for the team, the choreography for the open training was a lot easier, but it was still nice to dance. The movements are not that difficult to execute at all, but the simplicity and the flow of the dance made it seem really good.

“Alright, that’s all guys!!!” Hoseok yelled after the last of the five runs was finished. All of the participants clapped happily and let out exhausted, but satisfied sighs. “Please join our dance crew next semester! I hope you all had fun and learned a lot! Take care, and good night!”

“Hyung,” I said, calling Yoongi’s attention. “Shall we go back to the dorms together?”

“Don’t you have something to say to your teammates after this?” He answered. I was confused for a moment before I realized what he was talking about.

“Oh... yeah right. I forgot about that.” I answered, scratching at my head, a bit embarrassed. “I’m sorry I can’t go with you.”

“We’re in the same dorm, anyway.” He said. “So... see you then?”

“Yeah.”

Yoongi then gave me one of his rare smiles that show his gums. I waved him bye as he stalked out of the venue with a small smile on his lips. Once he was gone, I scanned the whole room quickly for any signs of Jungkook. Seeing that there was none, I let out a sigh of relief.

“Jimin.” Wheein said, approaching along with Hoseok. “Are you alright?”

“Yes, Wheein, I’m fine, thanks to you guys.”

“So... that was the guy that hurt our Jiminie?” Hoseok remarked. I nodded as a response. “Ahhh... he reeks of trouble.”

“Hyung...” I protested. “He’s not like that. It’s not like not liking me back is a sin or anything.”

Hoseok nodded. “I know. At least nothing happened, right? Ahhh... what a night. Jiminie, you can go now. Wheein and I still have to meet with the other members to discuss and evaluate the open training.

“Okay, hyung.” With that, Wheein and Hoseok left me alone and went to one corner of the room to get ready to leave. After changing into a new shirt and resting up a bit, I left the venue alone and started walking back to the dormitory.

The vicinity was already deserted, probably because it was already late into the night. The streets were empty, as there are not any cars passing by. Only the street lamps and the moon up above illuminated the way as I continued walking alone.

That was until I heard his voice again.

“Hyung,”

No, maybe I was just imagining things. Some time has already passed since Hoseok dismissed everyone. Jungkook should be gone by now.

“Jimin-hyung.”

It is him.

I stopped on my tracks and sighed silently before I spun around to look. And there he was, standing just behind me.

“J-Jungkook.” I stuttered out. “You’re still here?”

“Hyung,” He said again, this time, with an emotion that I have never seen in him. “Can we talk for a while?”

Oh god, no. This is about the letter, isn’t it? He already read it, didn’t he? And since he is a very considerate person, he preferred answering my questions in person.

Oh, right. How considerate of him.

“We’re already talking.” I answered, immediately noticing the slightly hurt look that took over his features. “Oh, no, no. I didn’t mean to sound mean or anything. What I mean is... we’re already talking, like... right now.”

“Oh... I see.” Jungkook answered. He then looked around us probably looking for something, or someone. Or maybe he was checking if anyone could hear our conversation. It would be embarrassing for both of us to be seen having this kind of talk. Again, he is being very considerate.

I should probably thank him for it later.

“Oh, right.” He said after looking around after taking another look around the place. “The thing is... I’m sorry, hyung.”

Oh, I am right. It is about that. And I am about to get a first-hand, up-close rejection.

“No, you don’t have to be.” I answered him. “It’s not really a bad thing that you can’t like me back, right?”

“Hyung,” He said. Why is he staring at me like that? “I’m sorry for putting you through all those things for a year. I’m really sorry for not giving you a good enough answer when you confessed to me back then. I’m sorry for not contacting you for a year. I’m sorry for realizing this too late hyung but hyung I like you too.”

What?

 

“Jimin. If for some unknown reason—it doesn’t have to be actually real—but if it happens... what would you do if Jungkook tells you that he likes you too?”

 

This is not making any sense. Did I actually hear him say those words? Maybe I was too tired that I fainted along the way to my dormitory?

“E-Excuse me?” I stuttered again. “W-What did you say?”

“Hyung,” Jungkook sighed. It sounds too real to be a delusion. I can even feel the cold night air blowing around me.

“I like you too.”

No, this cannot be real. And if it is real, this is unfair. This is so ing unfair of him. I am sure that he is playing with me right now. How dare he? After everything that I had to go through just because I loved a person who could not love me back, I do not think I deserve this.

“Hyung,” Jungkook spoke again, his voice more confident this time. “I like you.”

“Stop this, Jeon Jungkook.” I breathed out, already struggling to hold in the emotions that have started to stir out of my control. “I don’t deserve this, Jeon. I don’t.”

“B-But, hyung.” Jungkook said again, this time approaching me and holding me by the shoulders. His touch felt warm and soft, but no. I know this is not real. I know better than to believe in his empty words.

“Jungkook, stop, please.”

“Hyung, I’m so sorry... I just had to think about it and sort myself out so—”

“A ing year, Jeon! A ing year to sort yourself out?!” I screamed, throwing his arms away from me. The first tear of the night fell on the sidewalk.

“But hyung, p-please, y-you waited for me, right? I read your letter. Y-You said you still love me!” Jungkook said. Was that desperation in his voice? Wow... what a great actor.

“N-No, Jungkook. I can’t do this. I’m this close to getting over you, and now you’re here to mess everything up?!” I blurted out. My vision is quickly blurring due to the tears that has started streaming down my face. “That’s so unfair of you.”

“But hyung, please listen to me.” Jungkook said, his voice strained. “I’m so sorry I took so long. I knew something was off with me the whole time I was not with you after that day you confessed to me, but after reading your letter, I realized—”

“That’s it, isn’t it?” I cut in, smiling even when my jaws felt so stiff. Soon enough a laugh ripped out of my throat as more tears rolled down my cheeks. “Y-You read the letter, and felt bad for me? Well guess what... I don’t need your pity, Jeon!”

“Hyung, that’s not it—”

“No!” My throat is so stiff I felt like dying. “That’s it! Ha... I can’t believe you’re like this Jeon Jungkook.”

“Hyung, p-please, give me another chance, please?” Jungkook said. Was that a tear drop rolling down his face? It was just sweat, I bet. It is too dark to tell where it was coming from. Not that it would have changed anything, of course.

“Jungkook...” I mumbled, already losing the energy to talk back. “You can’t do this to me. I can’t do this to myself. Do you... do you expect me to believe you? For one whole year, Jungkook, I have lived alone, trying to get myself back together after I offered myself to you. I had nothing left. I felt like a broken puzzle, but without the pieces.”

“H-Hyung...”

“Come on, Jungkook, you’ve lived normally without me.” I continued, feeling all the strength that I have gathered for the past year. “I never thought I would say this, but thank you. Thank you for making me this strong, Jungkook. And even though you should be the one asking for forgiveness, I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”

As I turned around to continue walking, I silently wished for him to fight for me one more time, to come to me and beg again. I silently and truly wished for him to tell me again the words that I have been wanting to hear from him since that time, when I realized that I love him.

But all I heard was the sound of a choked sob. All I heard was a loud sniff that I knew was from his obnoxiously large nose acting up again. Part of me wanted to believe in him, turn back, hold him, and give him another chance.

But for that one year that he spent trying to sort himself out, I have learned to block out that part of me that wanted him so bad, even now.

What if I had asked him one more time back then, when we were still together in that moment, with the paper rose lying in front of me? Would he answer differently?

What if he had called my name one more time as I walked away with my heart tugging at me to turn back? Would I answer differently?

I guess there are things that could only really as what-ifs. And as the blowing of the night air and the rustling of leaves drowned the sobs—our sobs—as well as the beating of my heart, I silently wondered... what if...

Just what if...

What if he really loved me back?