A W A K E

"Maybe I, I can never fly
I can’t (fly) like the flower petals over there
Or as though I have wings
Maybe I, I can’t touch the sky
Still, I want to stretch my hand out
I want to run, just a bit more"

- Kim Seokjin, Awake (Wings Album)

The blade is cold on his skin, but not colder than the running water.

The blood burns as it runs down his arm in a deep red, unlike the flames of his passion that has long since gone with the wind.

The pain is there, yes, but not enough.

Never enough to dull the ache in his bones. In his heart. In his soul.

Can he do nothing right?

He asks himself that all the time.

The eldest in the group, and yet the least talented.

Supposedly the best looking, but doesn’t get enough screen time.

Had majored in acting, but has yet to get cast for a drama, unlike Taehyung.

Sometimes, when it all comes crashing down on his broad shoulders, Seokjin picks up the knife.

He goes to the bathroom, shuts the door and sits on the tub with the water running.

That way he can pretend that he isn’t really crying.

That way, the blood can flow around him in the pool of his misery.

That way… when he sees his reflection, it will hurt much less compared to the blade against his skin.

Sometimes, Seokjin hates himself.

It’s not like he isn’t trying.

He really really is.

But he’s always a second too late in the choreography; slightly off tune in the high notes.

He knows well that he can’t dance like Jimin, Jungkook or Hoseok.

He can’t produce or rap like Namjoon and Yoongi.

He can’t perform as charismatically as Taehyung.

What, then, can Seokjin do?

Cook? Clean?

Act like he is infinitely confident with his looks, when in reality, it’s just the last thing he can really hold onto?

He wonders, after all this time, why he’s even still here…

When it’s plain to see that he’s not needed.

Seokjin knows, with great certainty…

That Bangtan can function just fine without him.

His sight gets a little blurred with the tears that don’t stop.

He tries to wipe it away with his arm, but it just gets blood in his eyes.

The bathroom floor is flooding.

Seokjin doesn’t do anything about it.

Maybe if he closes his eyes, waits a little longer…

He’ll drown in his agony with the blade to his arm.

The sound of the knob turning doesn’t surprise him anymore.

He continues the gash extending from his elbow to his wrist.

Midway, he is stopped by a hand not his own.

Seokjin never knows what to do every time he is caught in the act.

He feels even more ashamed of himself. For being this weak. For resulting to this wreck.

Why does Yoongi even bother with him?

Yoongi kneels down gently, carefully;

like he could break Seokjin with a single touch.

He slowly takes the knife away from Seokjin’s hand, and closes the tap.

He takes a towel from the cupboard and urges Seokjin to come out.

He wraps it gently over Seokjin’s trembling figure, and guides him to the bedroom.

Yoongi helps Seokjin change out of his wet clothes.

They sit down on the bed, and Yoongi picks up the first aid kit to start tending to Seokjin’s wounds.

It looks like Yoongi was early this time.

The last wound on Seokjin’s thigh needed stitches.

Manager hyung got really angry that time.

He called Seokjin pathetic in front of all the staff.

Yoongi punched him in the face.

Yoongi works quietly and doesn’t question Seokjin.

Doesn’t judge him. Doesn’t blame him.

When he has bandaged the arm properly, he does what he always does. And always will do.

He kisses the skin where the blade has touched.

He plants loving pecks from Seokjin’s elbow, down to where the gash has extended.

This part always makes Seokjin cry.

“… You don’t have to do this.”

“I want to do this.”

Seokjin looks at him with such defeat in his eyes.

As if Seokjin’s a disappointment. As if he’s just filth on the cold pavement.

As if he wonders what Yoongi could possibly see in him that’s worth loving.

He tries to pull his arm away.

“Don’t you get tired? I’ll do this again, and you know it.”

Yoongi doesn’t let go.

“Yeah… I know. But… that doesn’t make me love you any less.”

In fact, it only makes Yoongi love him more.

Yoongi remembers himself, during the early part of their career.

His social phobia and panic attacks.

He wakes up crying in the middle of the night, insults and degradation echoing in his ears.

His parents never quite understood him.

He thought no one could truly accept him for all his flaws and misgivings.

But Seokjin did.

Back when Seokjin was still healthy and intact, before he got fewer and fewer lines in their songs.

Before he was put in the back most of the time. Before he began to lose the shine in his eyes.

Seokjin had given his best years to Yoongi.

Had held him close, caressed his hair, and kissed his forehead.

Encouraged him, praised him, and treated him like he was worth more than any amount of fame or money.

Worth more than anything in this world, really.

Seokjin treasured Yoongi.

Took care of him. Loved him.

Until all the bad thoughts went away, and all Yoongi could feel was the safety of Seokjin’s arms.

The warmth of his chest. The beating of his heart.

Every time he felt like breaking, he would remember Seokjin bringing him dinner at the studio.

He would remember Seokjin’s motherly rants about him not sleeping properly anymore.

He would remember Seokjin’s terrible attempts to make him smile with lame dad jokes.

He’d recall Seokjin driving Jungkook to school. Making Jimin laugh. Playing with Taehyung. Fixing whatever Namjoon broke. Buying shoes for Hoseok’s birthday.

Listening to Yoongi’s entire mix tape and kissing the life out of him, because he was so proud of *“Min Yoongi jjang jjang man boong boong”.

He’d think of Seokjin in the kitchen, cooking with his pink apron on.

Of him cleaning around their messy dorm.

Of him just really being there. For everyone who needed it.

Seokjin’s the reason Yoongi has been able to keep it together for the longest time.

How then, could he ever stop loving such a wonderful person?

“There is nothing you could ever do, that would stop me from loving you.”

Seokjin cries and cries and it’s not fair to you. You deserve better.

Yoongi folds him in his embrace, kisses the tear tracks away, and lies them down.

He places the blanket over them, tangled together where they belong.

Seokjin’s grip is tight on his shirt; breath warm on his skin.

Yoongi just holds him. Keeps him grounded.

Loves him.

When Seokjin’s calmed down, that’s the only time Yoongi asks.

“Is it about the ‘Not Today’ MV?”

“… would it be selfish of me to say yes?”

“No. I was also disappointed you only got a single solo frame during the entire video… and that you didn’t get to sing.”

“Yeah… PD-nim must think I haven’t improved at all.”

“We both know that’s not true.” Yoongi kisses his cheek.

“Of course you’ve improved. But… we can’t really help it if the kids are so damn talented. They have the inhumane ability to improve really fast. I understand that it’s hard to keep up.”

Seokjin pouts at this and starts poking Yoongi. “Don’t act like you’re not one of them, Min Yoongi. You were really cool in the music video too. Your swag was all over the place.”

Yoongi chuckles at this, and hugs Seokjin tighter. “Hey, I would totally split my lines with you if PD-nim would let me.* After all, you rap just like Jay-Z.”

This earns him a pinch to the side.

Yoongi yelps in pain, looking like a kicked puppy. Seokjin just giggles and kisses him.

“Very funny, Yoongi-yah.”

“I’m serious hahaha. How about this? When I get my next mix tape going, I’ll have you do the vocals for at least 2 songs.”

Seokjin’s eyes widen with unbridled excitement. “Really?... You… don’t want to ask Jungkook or Jimin to do it?”

“Hmm… maybe I’ll ask one of them to do a song, but they only get one. You get two.”

Seokjin all but throws himself at Yoongi, and smooches him all over.

Yoongi laughs and laughs, and he hasn’t felt this happy in a long time.

When Seokjin finally stops, he looks at Yoongi with a fond smile.

The sparkle is slowly returning to his eyes. There’s hope growing at the corners of his lips.

Yoongi will never get tired of how beautiful he is.

“I believe in you, no matter what.

You work hard, you persevere, and you're talented.

We just need a little more time, that's all.

You'll reach your full potential. I just know it.

And when that happens, you'll see just how great you truly are.

Even if you hurt yourself a hundred more times, I’ll be there to mend you.

Let’s endure until the end, Seokjin.

I can’t wait to see you fly.”

“I can’t wait to fly right next to you, Yoongi-yah.

I’ll work even harder from now on.

Thank you for being there.

I love you.”

“I love you too.”

-End-

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Author's note:

Thanks for reading :D Enjoy these Yoonjin pics~

* Min Yoongi jjang jjang man boong boong- "jjang" means the best, "boong/man boong" means something like "mad/ crazy stressed" (One of Suga's nicknames)

* Jin raps just like Jay-Z - Jin said he raps just like Jay-Z during a free style rap in Go BTS! (a variety show)