days like these are the worst. when everything he does seems precarious. and the fear of what has been built could be broken and shredded in within seconds if he isn’t careful enough or if he doesn’t push himself to his limits. it’s silly, no matter the direction he looks from; of how someone could spend years of their lifetime chasing a single dream and one faulty act could crush the lifetime’s drudgery. but one would risk many if it means to chase dreams. and wonwoo knows that, he knew that he didn’t get into seventeen just because he had what it takes since birth. he put efforts and sheer willpowers into his dream; being an artist in the music industry, even if it meant he had to abandon the comforts of his family and home or the solace of having ‘normal’ friends throughout his teenage. it takes more than that to perform on stage.

in a group of thirteen members who each exhibits significant inordinate talents from choreographies to composing. somehow, it always felt like he was lacking; always behind the others. always not enough. s will always assure him that seventeen wouldn’t be seventeen without jeon wonwoo, that he doesn’t have to worry about competitions within the group because they’re a team as one and that the only competition is he—himself. to be a better him. to fight within. yet, words are just words. if wonwoo does not strive hard enough to be the better within his own group, if he shows a gap of potential in a certain aspect that proved insignificance, even with the protests from the other twelve members, the company can just discard him with little effort.

and that would make the end of his career.

it really is as easy and dreadful as that. in within clicks of milliseconds, the endeavour he had poured into chasing his so-called ‘dream’ would shatter. wonwoo couldn’t have that, he wouldn’t want to stand on a stage without the members from seventeen but sometimes, he would think that perhaps that’s for the good. that maybe, he’s put into seventeen just to fill space or be a background character or perhaps, they would have been better off without him.

that day was just like the other bad days wonwoo had experienced before. the sky mirrors wonwoo’s emotion; shades of grey stretching across the horizon.

the cheers are loud as usual, fans really have their ways. seventeen huddles together in a circle backstage, sparking the mood to exploit the best performance they could. then they were lining up, getting ready to go on stage. wonwoo stands the last in line, uttering slow and gentle breath to calm himself down. even with the music blaring loudly, he could audibly hear the sound of the thunder cracking outside. if the rain pours, his tears would probably follow close behind. so, he shuts his eyes firmly and tries to imagine anything but his hateful self or the unbearable loneliness sitting in his chest, the last thing he wants to do is to breakdown into messy sobs and have the members worry about him when they have been working themselves to the ground for this promotion.

mingyu must’ve noticed the irregular deep breath intakes wonwoo’s taking to make him turn around. the concern agitating in his raspy voice evident, “everything good?”

the lights backstage was dim making it hard for wonwoo to draw the lines of mingyu’s fine face, but he could tell just by listening that the younger is worrying. to him, mingyu is important. throughout their trainee years they were stuck by the hips. many would think that they’re acting like what best friends do, after all, mingyu is only a year younger than wonwoo, it is certain that they have many relatable experiences and could fit like a complete puzzle. however, wonwoo knew that mingyu is more than just a best friend to him. from the moments where his heart would beat tenfold when mingyu is near and the hours and days spent fretting over the younger’s health conditions. mingyu knew as well. they don’t require a string of confessions to understand the loving reverence they share. it’s like a bond tied by fate itself.

if the greek mythology of how humans were originally created with four arms, legs and a head with two faces who later feared of their power, split into two separate parts by zeus, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves were true, wonwoo’s would be mingyu.

he didn’t want to give a verbal reply, fearing that his voice might give away, wonwoo just nodded. and he could tell from even just from the dark outlines of mingyu’s silhouette, that mingyu didn’t buy it. before the younger could protest, the stage darkens and seventeen is called on cue. they trudge in one by one and mingyu being mingyu, with time still in his hands, gave a small assuring squeeze on wonwoo’s hand which had wonwoo collecting all the invisible forces to fight the threatening tears from his stupid crisis away. the warmth of mingyu’s hand usually brings joy in wonwoo but now, in this moment, it sunk him. wonwoo pulls away, suddenly thankful that the lights were dim so mingyu’s dejected expression could not get through him.

as they get to their positions, the music plays and wonwoo lets his heavy thoughts drift away with the rhythm and loud cheers. bits by bits and bits by bits, he loses the sense of himself.

***

the clock ticks a regretful one in the morning as the thirteen members rode a silent ride back to their dorm. even getting off the transport becomes a chore when their bones are deep asleep, eyes waving drowsiness and voice lidded with exhaustion. the first thing they headed for was the bathroom, since there are three bathrooms in the dorm, the business is done pretty quickly and by two thirty in the morning most of the members are deep within their slumber. everyone except wonwoo.

he lies awake on his bed still and unmoving, afraid that his tosses would disrupt the peaceful asleep breathing of the five members in the room. for a while, he thinks of mingyu in the adjacent room; mingyu in his olive shirt and grey sweatpants, probably mumbling something incoherent in his sleep again and how much wonwoo misses him, misses the old easy days where mingyu’s toothy smile was more conspicuously directed to him and when he could spend at least 3 hours per day just enjoying the mingyu’s warmth pressed against him on the couch. now, they barely have time to look at each other truly. when did wonwoo start masking his tiredness with a smile? he doesn’t remember.

wonwoo moves out of his bed as quietly as he could, making his way to the door and praying that the silent creaks that sounded abnormally loud past midnight can lull the rest into a deeper dream. pulling the small blue blanket around him tighter as he shuts the door tacitly behind him, arms instinctively folding; desperately trapping the remaining of his body heat. he makes tiny steps to the adjacent brown door, controlling his loud breathing as he cracks open the door. with a glance of the room, wonwoo could easily pick out the lump on the bed that mingyu is in.

he turns around, tightening the grip around the cold door-knob and shutting it. there was a movement from seungcheol’s bed as wonwoo freezes on his standing spot by the door suddenly thinking if coming over would be worth of the nagging that he may receive. fortunately, nothing happened. wonwoo scurries swiftly to the side of mingyu and crouches beside his bed. mingyu’s lying on his side, now facing wonwoo and he definitely smells like baby products. being this close to mingyu makes a warm feeling pool around his stomach. the blue blanket slides over his shoulder falling onto the ground as he brings his hand up to mingyu tracing little circles on his side profile.

“hey,” a hoarse sleepy whisper calls.

wonwoo jolted visibly, while his eyes adjusted to the dark he could see mingyu’s playful grin, “your fingers are really cold,” mingyu whispers. he shuffles around bringing his hands up from under the covers and gets a hold of wonwoo’s icy delicate hands.

“sorry,” wonwoo apologizes, watching their finger entangling in slow, sleepy motion.

later, mingyu gets up quite abruptly his head dangerously close to the top bunk, he gathers a pillow and his brown checked cotton blanket and motions for wonwoo to stand. he then pulls a confused wonwoo close behind him out of the room. mingyu doesn’t bother to stealthily open the door or even tries to keep the noise at minimum. wonwoo panics and braces himself for seongcheol’s what are you guys doing but when mingyu’s grip around his wrist tightens, he couldn’t bring himself to care.

in the living room, they cuddled closely together on the couch, literally sticking close to one another with mingyu laying on a pillow and wonwoo in his embrace, the cotton blanket draped over their mingled bodies. mingyu lets out a breathy laugh, “we’re both over 6-foot-tall and we can actually fit on this couch together.”

they stay quiet while mingyu plays with wonwoo’s fingers. the older of the two laying his head on mingyu’s arm lost deep in another dimension. the air around them was painfully soothing and wonwoo tries hard to not beat himself up in his mind again. he bites down on his lips holding his emotions in line as he feels mingyu tangling their legs together, the warmth already reaching beneath wonwoo’s chest. somehow, staying like this with mingyu breaks the walls that he builds to shelter his emotions from reality. it has been so, so long. and honestly now, it’s really, really hard to keep himself from crying. but listening to the occasional hum that mingyu makes from time to time, he couldn’t allow himself to dampen the mood of someone he loves the most. it’s not all the time that mingyu could feel this content alone with wonwoo. they were always practicing, performing and attending fan signs.

after a while, mingyu speaks, “earlier today…”

wonwoo shuts his eyes tightly, he knew it. kind of saw it coming that mingyu would bring the incident from the backstage up. “when you pulled away from me, it kind of hurt.”

they were quiet again. now mingyu has stopped playing with his fingers and wonwoo could tell that he was waiting for a respond. he contemplates for a little, if he chose to not relieve the incident, he knew mingyu wouldn’t press on it. because that’s just how mingyu is, patient and caring, wonwoo could almost picture mingyu’s sad smile while saying it’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it. he wouldn’t express that he was upset that wonwoo wouldn’t tell then he would worry on his own and it breaks wonwoo all the time when that happens and yet, he just lets it be. he just couldn’t find the right way to convey his emotions properly and he hates it, he hates how the one person who truly cares and loves him is here fussing and worrying and yet he’s here, afraid and running away.

he could lose his fame, money, possessions but mingyu… wonwoo just can’t lose him.

mingyu is like the centre of a wonwoo’s mind map, wherein everything wonwoo does is connected to him. literally, the two significant things in wonwoo’s current situation (his career and seventeen) is connected to mingyu. it’s like a domino effect, one thing leads to another and in the end, it leaves wonwoo thinking about something he doesn’t know of or understand.

that’s why it’s so difficult to explain.

wonwoo snaps back to reality as he feels mingyu gentling combing his hair with his fingers. “you know…” he starts slowly, always, always giving wonwoo a chance to speak. and when he doesn’t, mingyu continues, “you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but i’m here…for you, you don’t have to fight alone.”

he shuts his eyes again and bites down on his lips harder as he fights the sobs threatening to fall from his mouth. of course, mingyu notices after a while; holding himself up with his hand. he’s looking directly at wonwoo now. the light from the window made things clear, wonwoo could literally sketch the fear from mingyu’s stare as he brings his palm to his mouth muffling the sobs. his chest heaves up and down as his breath stutters and by now, his eyelids are puffy and the shameful tears must’ve left irregular traces on his pale cheeks. it was uncontrollable. wonwoo didn’t want to and certainly couldn’t imagine how horrendous he looks like in this moment.

mingyu doesn’t speak a word, he hoists wonwoo up and holds him in his tight and comforting embrace. this action, only causing wonwoo to cry harder. he lets wonwoo sob into his shoulder for a long time rubbing his back so carefully like wonwoo’s going to break any moment (maybe he is). it isn’t beautiful, it doesn’t look like any scenes from the movie. in fact, it’s a mess. many things flash in wonwoo’s mind, he imagines about standing on stage not as a part of seventeen, imagines that one day his manager would just say wonwoo you have to go, thinks about not having mingyu around him, thinks about loneliness and failure. eventually the air gets so dense and breathing starts to become a hassle.

wonwoo frees himself from mingyu, messily tainting the evidences of the breakdown with the sleeves of his black pyjamas.

“i can’t do it anymore,” he whimpers.

“do what?” mingyu asks softly, both arms hanging loosely at the side of wonwoo’s hands.

“i can’t,” he pauses, taking sharp breath intakes, not bringing himself to look at mingyu, “i just keep losing myself trying to be something i’m not, i’m not even sure i-if i’m doing this for myself anymore.”

mingyu’s holding his hands again and wonwoo could see his own tears raining droplets on to their intertwined fingers. “i keep struggling a-and i don’t know for what, i don’t even know what i’m chasing for.”

he shakes his head, “i don’t want to keep being like this, i’m trying to fight my way, because everyone’s working hard to bring seventeen to the top and i-i just, i’m just…”

“wonwoo…”

“i think about it a lot, mingyu. i know everyone tells me not to worry, but it’s so stupid when you have to lose the things you love to achieve your dreams,” he chokes, “i want to keep everyone and you, i want to keep you, a-and everyone else, but i can’t control things. i can’t just say no if you or anyone wants to leave. i can’t say no when someone tells me to leave. i can’t do that.”

“wonwoo, i’m—“

“and i’m just so afraid, every night i have to k-keep telling myself that i have to do better that i can’t be the one that drags the team down. i c-can’t drag you down either and i hate missing you so much even when you’re right next to me. i’m just so tired.” he whispers the last part. and he meant it, wonwoo loves singing, dancing, he loves things that has to do with the music industry, but he could only take that much expectations until he breaks eventually.

“hey…” mingyu calls, his cheerful voice now clouded with treacherous emotions.

it is then wonwoo brings his head up, looking at mingyu who is also crying.

“w-why are you crying?” he asks with confusion.

“i-i don’t know,” mingyu whimpers as confused as wonwoo, “it just… hurts when you’re hurting like that.”

the taller readjusts his seat and holds onto wonwoo’s hands again, no longer cold but coated with a layer of sweat. “wonwoo… i know it’s hard, i may not understand you completely but i want to, i promise.”

mingyu a deep breath in and clears his throat, staining his olive shirt with his bitter tears, he continues, “but i-i don’t want you to talk about yourself like that. chasing dreams and all that stuff, we’re doing it together, you’re not alone.”

wonwoo starts sobbing again but mingyu, between his sniffles, doesn’t stop, “a-and if you lose yourself in the midst of everything,” he pauses and looks into wonwoo’s teary puffy eyes, “just look at me and follow me. find yourself in me, because i always, always carry a part of you with me.”

wonwoo pulls his hands away from mingyu’s grip again but this time he lunges forward, cradling onto mingyu like his dear life depends on it. this is what mingyu does to him, he breaks wonwoo’s quandary—the problems he creates in his mind, the demons he has to fight every day, into bullet points and suddenly what seemed to be unsolvable and complicated before becomes so simple and undemanding. mingyu doesn’t change the way wonwoo lives, he doesn’t force ideals onto wonwoo instead he takes the seat next to wonwoo showing his numberless support and makes the ride better and bearable while wonwoo finds his way to fix himself.

it’s hard to notice that sometimes the one person who could save you the most is literally next to you all along.

“it hurts me to know that you’ve been hurting alone,” mingyu says again, “don’t do it again, please.”

by then, mingyu is probably desperate, desperate to share the burden with wonwoo. minutes later, they pull apart. letting their forehead press gently together, wonwoo gives a hearty laugh, his eyelids are puffy and heavy, so are mingyu’s. soon, mingyu joins in grinning and all toothy smile all at wonwoo. he straightens his back and observes wonwoo’s tired posture, his head tilted to one side and his fingers lazily tangling around the edges of mingyu’s blanket. mingyu bends forward, pulling the sleeves of wonwoo’s pyjama down to cover the rest of his palm, exposing only his now cold again fingers. he lets out a content sigh, tries to pull himself closer to wonwoo as he gently places a hand caressing his wet face fondly.

mingyu takes the opportunity first, repositioning the angle of wonwoo’s face, he leans in to swoop that much awaited kiss. it was a little salty from the tears and slightly chapped from all the biting but nevertheless tasted like wonwoo—a soft sweet mellow endearing taste that no one could ever find just anywhere. while wonwoo tries to control the grinning from the effect of mingyu constantly prodding on his lips, he soon gives in to the kiss, moulding into a perfect single object.

out of breath, they broke the shared intimacy, mingyu’s hands never leaving wonwoo’s pale face, “you’re more than enough, wonwoo.”

wonwoo is about to make a hasty reply before a chorus of, “YOU’RE ENOUGH”, was heard then a quaint yellow light (lee chan’s sleeping lamp) beaming from behind wonwoo.

wonwoo could only stare blankly at the sight of all the eleven members standing in a small space, some with their blankets pulled over themselves, some holding onto their pillow, hair unkempt and their eyes red from crying.

“what?” wonwoo asks stunned, his voice was so heavy from all the crying that it got some of the members silently sobbing again.

“oh, what the ?” jeonghan screams as he turns around looking up on the ceiling, presumably controlling his new hot tears.

they all stood in silent muffled sobbing awkwardly before, “we care about you!” lee chan yells, wonwoo wasn’t sure if he was angry or sad. his face—all scrunched up and he doesn’t even bother covering up, he just stood there, mouth agape like he’s trying to say something and lets the copious tears fall, “we care about you, wonwoo hyung!”

it was kind of a funny sight to be honest, especially since he was standing still while holding a lamp. but wonwoo is dazed anyways, and he remains in the couch unmoving, unsure of what to say or what to do or what kind of feelings he should be feeling. all he could feel was his heart dropping that is constantly happening from time to time. mingyu gives him a small push, mouths a quiet go and wonwoo was reminded of what mingyu did before when he broke. he gets up from the couch and quite literally ran over to the others and gives them a bone crushing hug which was reciprocated into a group hug. a chorus of mumbles that nobody could understand except themselves.

long later, suffocated, wonwoo squirms away hoping to catch a breath. then a group hug turns into a tickle battle (with mingyu who started it). as the tickle dies down, they sprawl on the floor like thirteen perfect puzzle pieces that fits the way they should.

“sorry i must’ve woke you up,” wonwoo says moments later.

there was a sequence of jovial laugh, “nah, we set an alarm to wake up at five in the morning,” and a mumble of, “you didn’t, mingyu couldn’t get out of the room quietly,” from soonyoung.

“doesn’t practice start at eight today?”

as if on cue, everyone sat up in sync and lee chan turning his lamp off. wonwoo followed a bit later, frowning as he looks around each of the members cautiously only realizing that mingyu isn’t in the living room. something is up. footsteps are heard coming from the kitchen and wonwoo peeks over quickly, and there mingyu stands holding a cake and walking way too slowly.

“what?”

the members coordinated well, all clapping at the same time which is pretty loud and enough for wonwoo to jerk visibly. seungkwan starts singing first, his voice cracks at the very beginning and had everyone in a laughing fit. soon, the rest joins in, clapping and singing wonwoo’s birthday song with mingyu walking over at a slightly better speed (someone behind keeps yelling don’t ing drop the cake mingyu), candles lighted and all that sweet stuff.

at that time wonwoo couldn’t even control the size of his smile as he looks at mingyu’s face behind the cake (that kid looks more excited that wonwoo), his red nose and puffy eyes; the mingyu that wonwoo loves and adores so much, the seventeen members that care for him endlessly. wonwoo closes his eyes gently, the birthday song ended, he makes a wish out loud, “i wish in the future, i’ll be able to make all the members feel as safe as they make me feel.”

the candles are blown out and the room goes dark again until the lamp was . someone started sobbing again while the rest are cooing and all.

“you know you guys can actually do it in the practice room instead of five thirty in the morning,” wonwoo comments, “but thank you. really.”

“mingyu insisted on surprising you at five, it made no sense but we thought it was a good idea too.”

“yeah but it happened earlier than expected,” jun laughs, "i meant the part when we're supposed to get up."

“in my defence, wonwoo is precious to me, so it made sense,” mingyu argues.

everyone rolls their eyes, just then seokmin rushes forward taking the cake with him as the rest follows behind noisily to the kitchen leaving only mingyu and wonwoo in the living room. wonwoo watches the residing back of the eleven members quietly and then turns around to see mingyu yawning quite disgracefully. he can’t promise that he won’t break again, but he knows from today, that whenever he feels that way, he’s not alone. he’s never alone in this.

just then mingyu turns around, blinking the sleepy tears away and smiling lazily when he sees wonwoo scooting closer to him. the older leans on his shoulder (a little thankful when he realized that it’s not the side that had snots and tears). he heaves a loud sigh, this time content and blissful. mingyu, weirdly still smells like baby products even after all the sniffling and wonwoo’s heart twinkle when he thinks of mingyu, mingyu, mingyu.

he doesn’t need to look at mingyu, but he could tell that mingyu is grinning from how he’s playing with wonwoo’s fingers again, then mingyu asks, “everything good?” mimicking the question left unanswered yesterday.

a smile creeps its way up wonwoo’s weary face, “yeah,” he says and he meant it, “everything’s good.”

-collect more tissues here-

well, this did not really go the way i plan.
but then again, i cant remember the last time i follow a sequence of events i plan. (lol)
this is also the first thing i've written in more than one seating. its either because i'm from the procrastination or it hit too close to home and got difficult to finish hahahahha. 
anyway, took me a long time to decide who to hurt this time. but i chose wonwoo bc (i like seeing precious wonu suffering)......... im srry pls kick me.