Happy Face: Soju with a Dash of Regrets

Somewhere in Korea

What a quiet night! A big contrast these past few days. I just finished my 100^th concert last night and as a reward from my agency, they let me have a month break, the longest one since I’ve debuted. Today’s the start of that break but I somehow don’t know what to do with it.

I looked at the phone beside me and saw that there was nothing there. No messages, no missed calls, nothing. Again, this was unusual.  I was so accustomed to my agency and manager's messages and calls, reminding me of my schedule. I took deep breath and poured myself a shot of soju. Look at her! The superstar Go Hyemi, alone and drinking, what a laughable situation.

As I took a sip, I remembered the praises and congratulations I received last night from my fans, family, friends and teachers. My father and sister prepared a special banner and a bouquet for me. Jingook, Baekhee, Jason, Pilsook and I went out for the after-party celebrations. It was fun. I  joked, laughed, drank and mingled but I knew that my friends were avoiding talking about something in front of me. Maybe even with all the smiles I showed them, they could see the sadness in my eyes.

People might say that I'm ungrateful. They might ask me, 'What do I have to be sad about? You're life is so good right now!' But they don't know. They have no idea that the one person I am missing the most is on the other side of the world, out of my reach.

Samdong, the great Korean artist who wowed the world with his music. But the last time I saw him, he was just a boy who came from the province to pursue music and well, me. My Samdong.

When we decided to part ways…

I sighed. No, when I decided to let him go, I didn’t know that it was this hard. He didn’t want to go but I made him leave for America. I had to pretend that I was happy sending him off to follow his dream even though my heart was breaking to a million pieces.

“If you want me to fall for you, you’ll have to become even cooler,” I said through my tears. “Then at that time, I can forget all the worry and I’ll think about it.”

I could see that the hurt in his face when I said that. “You’re lying to me right now. You want to hold me back. You don’t want to let go of me,” he said, crying. “I know you better that you know yourself. That’s the truth.”

“No,” I denied. “You’re wrong. If it was a year ago, I would have yelled asking why it was you that was chosen and not me. But I’m l-letting you go now. I’m feeling h-happy. I’m so HAPPY I could die.” I choked, trying hard to control my emotions.

“Stop lying. Is this the face of a happy person?”

I went on with my lie and nodded. “Yes, this is… my happy face.”

And until now, I still keep on pretending that I'm fine without him. I did it all for him. I want him to succeed, to achieve his dreams. But why? Why do I still feel the pain, like our parting just happened yesterday? Maybe this is his revenge for letting him go, for me to always remember, to never move on.

I kept on drinking as I recall my concert. Last night, I sang Only Hope and hated myself for it. It was torture! That song reminded me so much of him. But as an artist, I have to mask my feelings with a smile. A secret I couldn’t tell anyone, that every time I sing it I have to pretend that everything is okay especially to the people who supported me. I am Go Hyemi and everyone is looking at me, expecting me to be strong and to act like a superstar. But deep inside, I’m scared that they might see what I am desperately trying to hide.

I look at the empty soju bottle. I didn’t realize that I finished the whole bottle. ‘Eventually, I’d forget, right? Fake it until I make it,’ I gave out a humorless laugh and shook my head. Who am I kidding? There’s no man like him.

 “I miss you. I want to see you. Samdong, how long will you keep me waiting? Seven years! I’m tired of donning my ‘happy face’ for seven years. Come back to me now please,” I whispered.

Somewhere in America

“Hyemi-ah, I’m walking a lonely road now. I think you are too, right? I watched your concert over the internet and while you were singing our song, I noticed what you tried to hide from others. I think I’m the only person who saw through your performance. You know why? Because even now, I know you better than yourself, than anyone else. I know you better but you still chose to let me go…

“Remember what you told me when you said goodbye? That you want me to be cool so that you won’t be worried anymore. Hyemi-ah, I’m doing my best here. I even got a Grammy to prove it. So tell me, are you still worried about me. You’re not anymore, right?

“Why do I have to fall in love with such a stubborn person? I told you from the beginning that the music is you. This fame and all these awards are worthless without you. So now, I’m begging you, please tell me that you’re not worried anymore so I can return to your side, so I can finally go home to you.”

Hope you enjoyed the story!

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GOD BLESS!!!

❥