I Miss You

BGM : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9KpdoSxVZU

“I don’t know why rookie idols are going into such show because for most parts it is stated in their contract they cannot date for certain numbers of years which only made they realized they cannot have one thing in their glamorous life; a relationship.”

-Fan (Allkpop)-

To get along so well and to be separated unwillingly is something so cruel but something we as idols know very well.

I know the moment I let go of his hand, we will be like we used to be back then.

Strangers..

I hold onto him a little tighter, I try to smile a little brighter…

I hug him for the last time, as I wept myself on his sturdy chest, knowing that I can no longer be the one giving him this comfort.

I thought to myself, that this is it. I should no longer have any regrets. I have done what I wanted with him.

I have used him as much as I can, like he asked me to.

It is time to let go. So I wept even more.

“Mianhaeyo oppa, but I will let you go.” I muttered to him in between my ugly sob.

***

Being pretty is a sin, I once told her. But what I kept inside is that, being pretty when crying is even more of a sin. And to cry because of me… and to become the reason for her tears if even more of a cruel thing that she is doing to me.

Why, above all must it be at the very last moment that I need to see her like this. All broken and a crying mess because of me. 

I can’t help but stare at her longer than I used to..

I can’t help but think to myself that she is pretty..

And the fact that such thing happen because of me, makes her even lovelier to my eyes.

I’m a greedy man because I relish in the fact that I’m the reason for her tears. I want to impact her, I want to leave her with a scar, I do not want her to forget me easily.

I just want to be with her. Even in this way. Even in this sense.

Smiling like this to me, her eyes shaped into a crescent moon that vanishes even more when her smile grows wider.

I am honestly glad, that I’m a part of this.

That I can also be the reason for her smile.

I cannot believe this.. that we will come to an end as she called me her ‘oppa’ with her aegyo filled voice.

‘Ah, We Got Married is such a cruel show..’ He scoffed to himself.

It was then..

Months ago.

People said love was like a rose. Full with thorns but very pretty. She was like that, beautiful but we cannot be together. 

***

Like any other days, Sungjae laid on the bed after long vigorous daily activities.

Tomorrow she is going to be there with her members, he cannot help but feel his heart jump a little.

The day went by as fleeting as it could with little to no interactions between them. Honestly, he is used to this. It has been months. It is true that couple turn into strangers when it’s over.

He bumped into her at the backstage, they just bowed to each other. As her shoulder slightly grazes his, he can feel the chill throughout his spine. He wanted to say more like “how are you?” but there are a lot of people around them so he just walked away, much like what she did.

They cannot be together. He knew of this fact very well. It was stated in his contract and he believed it was in hers too.

But the Joy he sees today, the Joy outside of We Got Married has always been pretty distance towards him. The usually expressive person was nowhere as expressive to him whenever he sees or bumped into her.

Maybe it was his fault because he drew a clear line at the first place.

Yes, he admitted. He is a coward and it was egoistical of him to expect her to do the thing he wanted to do to her, himself.

However, it pained him that she has always looked fine, like he never existed on her map.

Days passed by,

Months passed by…

He has lost track of time, honestly.

It was fine without her before.

Why can’t it be this way now? He kept his distance with her even during We Got Married but why can’t he get rid of her from his system.

It was made clear that she was not allowed to date by her managers, very early on the show.

It was good for him too. He might not come from a company like SM but he is pretty famous in his own right. He is a trendy idol and dating someone is just a silly move to get ousted and fall down the ladder. He can just enjoy her companion in the virtual reality show, learn about romance and then apply it in his acting and his singing.

The issue were..

It was just that, Park Sooyoung is addictive. She is like an addictive ray of sunshine that shone the brightest when she smiles. He managed to stay away from her, he drew a clear line before anything got worse. He fears for the fans and the public to scrutinize him badly. He never wanted to be part of the specimen being poked around for some answer.

He sincerely believed that he was not that into her at first but then his heart seemed to beat in a different way as time goes by.

At first, he thought she was super young and he should be really careful with her.

At one point though, he started wanting to be manlier for her.

“You are a man that does not know romance.” Was what she always said to him.

If he did not know romance, will somebody teach her what romance is? He did not want that. Knowing how Park Sooyoung works, knowing that their WGM stint is near the ending, he tried hard. He tried so hard to make her remember him.

To make him into someone that was engraved in her life.

He had always known what she wanted. But he was always so embarrassed to do so.

He felt an overwhelming greed possessing him as days passed by with guys staring at her way even more. He felt protective.

‘This cannot be.’ His gaze changed… so does what he wanted out of this stint they are having.

Park Sooyoung is someone that matches him so well, he can only see the path that they are able to walk together. He tried so hard to deny it, but her companionship has always been his stress reliever.

‘This is it’ he thought.

Instead of running away, he embraced it. He pushed her against the wall, looked at her like he had always wanted to. When she froze, he was so happy.

‘See me as a man.’ Was what he had always wanted from her.

“I’m an oppa.” He said cunningly.

As much as Joy had decided to enjoy his companion and ignored all the hurt he has given to her with his stupid sense of pranking her, silly jokes, shyness and inconsiderate remarked, he wanted to show her this.

At the very least.

Even if it was too late to change everything.  He wanted to enjoy her companion too.

The only time he can be her lover was when they were in We Got Married.

Now, they are back to reality as Yook Sungjae of BTOB and Joy of Red Velvet.

***

He stood there in the middle of the night, being swallowed by the noise of the crowd. His hand was shoved into his pants’ pocket as he stared onto the limitless sky.

He breathes out as the smoke like breathing came out from his mouth.

“When will it snow?” He contemplates to himself.

He levels down his eye level again when his smile was wiped off from his face completely. As if it was even humanly possible, his expression change was 360 degrees from before.

It was replaced by a shock and a microsecond of unspeakable sadness only to settle down with a forced smile.

Joy was standing in front of him, in the arms of some other man.

You know what hurts the most? It was when old feeling resurfaced and eat you alive with unspoken regrets.

His world came crashing down as much as his hope did. He took too much time to ask her out.

Here he was still stuck on her, still hung up on her, his whole body was aching for her but here she was with some other man.

Noticing the discomfort, the man removed his hand from Joy’s.

“Hi oppa.” She smiles like she always does and somehow it hurts him even more.

***

“Cheers!” A chorus of crowd cheering celebrated among each other.

A fatherly smile was decorating on his face when he saw Joy slightly lower down her glass of soju when she was invited to drink by someone older than her.

“Yeokshi, Joy.” The sunbae gave her a thumb up.

“Aniyo someone teach me this.” Joy brushed it off and at that moment she looked at Sungjae who was sitting at a different table. She gave him a smile and he smiled back.

He drank even more, each time tried to erase her voice that he can distinguish among the crowd. Which he could never do before. Funny how time change.

And funny how time has changed him too..

As he saw the guy kept on trying to talk to Joy, he sensed something was wrong. The guy was into her, but it looked like she was not.

He might not have contacted her for quite a while but one thing for certain, Joy is not reluctant to reciprocate if she had liked the guy back.

He rose up from his seat went to her table, greet the sunbaes and said this to her.. “I hope we can talk after this.” He grinned cheekily.

People were looking at them but by now, he could not care less.

The guy who was trying to flirt with Joy was giving him fiery gaze but again, he could not care less.

He really did not like the guy, he probably is a nice person but he does not like that he is into Joy for certain.

His attention was interrupted when Joy said… “He was the one that teaches me how to drink.”

He looked at her startled.

He thought she was cold…

But…

A sudden overwhelming feeling came through him. A moment of realization struck him. Suddenly he felt teary eyed when she smiled. It was like a sun shone brightly to a dark world. It was a familiar looking smile.  The smile she had always given to him.

She has never been cold to him.

Instead, she has always been the way she is.

It was him that drawn a line. It was him that cares what people think.

“I am just lucky I can teach her.” He spoke with a bright smile. The brightest he ever produced that day.

Soon after, they were left alone. He ignored the curious gaze people who were leaving gave them. He does not care anymore.

“Annyeong.” He greeted her chirpily.

She looked at him with motherly smile. “Are you that curious about my drinking skills now?” She laughed.

“Of course.” He laughed and then his gaze change. This gaze was worn by him whenever he was serious.

She who noticed this, was taken aback.

“But I’m also curious, are you single now?”

Her eyes widened but she narrowed it down teasingly. “If I say im not?”

“Park Sooyoung… I’m serious.”

She was again taken aback by his words.

“I’m not here as BTOB Sungjae or even your ex-husband in some faux reality program. I’m here as Yook Sungjae. If you are single, give me a chance. To love you truthfully now as Park Sooyoung..”

“For some reason, any other guy was not fun as you so I have no choice to stay single. They tried to impress me too much.” She laughed. Joy now settle into a gentle smile and looked at him with as a sigh escape her lips. “what take you so long oppa? I’ve been waiting for you.”

It might take me small steps to approach you, but you slow down to meet me too.

Thank you for that too, Sooyoung ah.

“When I met Sungjae, I didn’t feel the need to audition any other celebrities. He was made for her.”

-WGM PD-

“I’m lucky that I met a nice partner”

-Sungjae-

Author's Note

I really hope you all enjoy reading this fic as much as i loved it when i was writing it. If there is anything to improve, do tell me. It has been quite a while since i last wrote anything and actually complete it.