Aiutami

It started off as normal nights; then little by little, day by day, it seemed to be slowly worsening. From uncomfortable to sleepless nights, bad dreams to terrifying nightmares, and I still thought that everything would be fine, I can still handle it, especially when I have her to run to, I have her to engulf me in arms and lull me to sleep with her sweet voice that’s deep and husky but calms me nevertheless.

As if I’m being punished, the seemingly controllable nightmares becomes beyond my control. They were about simple terrors at first then slowly turned into my greatest frights, but what I was scared the most is that specific dream that kept replaying every single night, that the person whom I run for comfort during the restless darkness disappears… or to put it frankly, she dies.

Every single night is the same. Same day, same time, same place and same cause. It felt too real, too surreal, and it was something that I could die to if it keeps on going.

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I was there…

I saw it…

With her eyes that looked directly into me…

Those eyes that’s filled with pain that bore into me…

Eyes that was soon to be lifeless…

…and the reason was me. But what hurt the most is that she doesn’t want me to bear the guilt, continuously assuring me that it wasn’t my fault, that everything will be ok, and that she will be alright.

As soon as I close my eyes to scream and cry that’s when I’m back to reality. In that four cornered room secluded by four walls, with beads of sweat constantly dripping from my forehead, and that’s also when I ran to her, I ran to her arms which is a room further from mine.

Everything she does just calms me, from how her door is already open and she’s about to get out of her room before I could even go to hers, or how the worried look in her eyes is hidden and visible in a way. Hidden for me not to worry furthermore, and visible for me to see how she cares.

In just a mere step inside her room it was a different feeling, with her presence there, elation and calmness is soon to follow. As she holds my hand that sends that feeling that I can’t seem to explain but find it desirable, taking me to her bed to coo me like a child in which I wouldn’t complain, never.

Laying there by her arm that’s wrapped around mine, with the other caressing my hair for me to find the peacefulness to sleep, she never fails.

“I had that dream again Byul…” I muttered softly, tears threatening to fall which she wiped immediately, and with just her gentle touch, my cries are put to a stop. With the following words that works every time for it was coming from hers, together with the assurance that she was there by my side.

“Shhh, I’m here Yongsun, I’m here in flesh and I’m not dead. I’ll stay with you…” as she continued to caress my hair that slowly put me to sleep.

“Promise..?” before being totally consumed by drowsiness I wanted to hear it from her, she never breaks her promises, more of a reason why I love her.

Feeling her shorten the gap between us, her lips being pressed above my head and laying hers there, I knew she would never break a promise. “I promise Yongsun…” and I never had such beautiful dreams that I had that night, everything is just the way I wanted it to be.

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But just because she’s there doesn’t mean that my nightmares stop, those agonizing nightmares that I would do anything just for them to leave me alone. She’s there to comfort me and that’s more than enough, but it would be much better if the terrorizing dreams weren’t there in the first place.

As days continue to go by, every night, there’s now something different. A new dream interferes with the old one, and it worsens. It worsens that even during the day, it happens and it consumes me, it doesn’t go away. Like all luck in the world are scattered all over the place except mine, Moonbyul wasn’t here, I don’t know where she is, I don’t know where she went, she didn’t tell me that she’s leaving…

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…she was gone.

At this time where her presence is what I needed the most as I was about to go crazy, with my tears uncontrollably streams down my face nonstop and I can’t seem to have them to stop, I couldn’t control them anymore. My head is in pain and is constantly filled with images of her dying and lifeless body, with her eyes that plead for me, that now ceased to exist.

I tried to move away, to get myself off of their painful grip, I grabbed my phone and called for her but it seemed that her phone was off and out of coverage. I was on the verge of losing hope, with thoughts of mine saying that maybe she lost all of her patience for me, that she’s tired of taking care of me, of me being her responsibility every single damn night where I act like a child.

I called my friends, Hwasa and Wheein and for God’s grace they answered and rushed to me. The shock on their face is undeniably so visible that it’s impossible for anyone not to notice. With hurried footsteps from my front door as they immediately ran towards me, that’s when I grabbed for their help, to tell them about Moonbyul.

I saw how their face turned into fear, and soon, worry. I was confused, so confused. No one spoke a word, my sniffing and tears are the only noise that can be heard. I was about to repeat and tell them about her again, but Wheein broke the string of silence. She was crying too, and so is Hwasa, I was confused.

For the first time in my life I heard Wheein shout at me,

“Yongsun, stop it!”

I was confused…

“You can’t do this anymore…”

I was confused…

“Move on already Yongsun!”

Why should I? I was confused, Hwasa was now muffling her tears, why are they crying too?

“Stop it…”

I’m confused, stop what?

“She’s gone Yongsun, she’s never coming back! Accept that she’s gone cause you’re not the only one that’s suffering here!”

I was confused…

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…then I was hell bent, at this point Hwasa had to stop her.

“S-She’s gone… Yongsun, Moonbyul’s gone… don’t hurt yourself a-anymore… we’re worried for you…” and that’s when realization hit me.

All those times, all those nights where she was there, I realized… that it was just another pigment of my imagination.

The tears that was supposed to dry up became endless, my face completely damp with my own warm tears that’s only filled with sadness of reality. It all came running down, my thoughts, they all came running down. From the very beginning of that hell filled accident that took her away from me, to the moment of many sleepless nights just thinking how I’d be able to survive without her with me, to how everything became serious and for too much agony I had to separate dreams from reality.

I made reality the nightmare that I experience in my dreams, and dreams as the reality that I wanted to have, a dream where she’s alive and she’s there, not leaving me, and not long gone.

I felt Hwasa and Wheein engulf me in a hug as the three of us gets consumed in tears and painful cries, reality hits hard that I can’t stay dreaming forever.

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Standing there with flowers in my hands right in front of the grave of the person I loved most. Seemingly losing control over my body, I lost the strength to remain standing in front of her, having the fresh flowers to weep with me as my tears starts to fall once again, without her to wipe them away.

I bit my lip hard trying to stop the streaming tears as I closed my eyes sharply for me to be able to say what I’m about to say. Like how can I be this weak without her?

“B-Byul…” I tried forming words but it seemed my tears have more to say that there is of my thoughts. Not being able to suppress them anymore I wept and wailed like a child in front of her grave, not minding if the noise I’m making is to be heard by anyone else. My heart clenched tight my sobs turned faster and harder.

“I-I can’t…ok… I c-can’t do this…”

With all the sniffing and coughing as I get choked by my own tears, and not caring of having a bloodshot eye.

“H-Help me… B-Byul, how… d-do I do it alone…?”

Up to the point that I had to cover my eyes, I want the pouring tears to stop already, but it looked like it had the mind of its own to continue and plead with me. My heart becomes painfully tight with ever cry, and I just want it to stop.

Half an hour, that’s what it took for my tears to die down, the time where I had a good look of where she’s placed now.

“I’m sorry Byul… it seems like it’ll take a long time… for me to completely move on…

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…I just wish that you were here to help me, Byul, just like how you do everytime.”