Chapter 19

 

Hongbin’s anger didn’t last long, fading all too soon for his liking. Anger he could deal with, and he preferred it infinitely to the doubts assailing him as his anger dissipated.

He laid in the darkness of his room, staring at the ceiling above him, trying desperately not to think, but without much success. Unwanted thoughts chased each other through his mind incessantly, catching and holding his attention against his will.

Just how close must Taekwoon and that Sungjae be to hug each other like that? Sungjae must trust Taekwoon a lot… He probably really liked him, too. Had Taekwoon saved him, too? Or did he at least protect him in some situation? He definitely wasn’t afraid of Taekwoon. For how long had he known Taekwoon?

And Taekwoon… Who was Sungjae to him? He had held him so preciously… Taekwoon cared for Sungjae, that much was obvious. But how much did he like him? Most likely more than he liked Hongbin, since he couldn’t even be close to him without flinching out of his reach. Even letting Taekwoon help him adjust his hold on his chopsticks earlier had been hard on him. Taekwoon would definitely like someone who he could hug and tease amicably and laugh with more than someone who couldn’t even accept his touch freely, right?

He gasped quietly, the thought making him feel like he was physically hurting deep inside his chest, and he rolled onto his side to curl up into a tight ball.

He would never be able to make Taekwoon like him as much as he must like Sungjae. He just physically couldn’t. He couldn’t help but keep a distance to Taekwoon. He couldn’t bring himself to dare to be closer to him than the absolute necessary. He would never be able to be so carefree to be able to hug Taekwoon, no matter how much he tried.

He felt something hot and wet trail over his face, soaking into the pillow underneath as his chest continued to ache. He was crying, but he wouldn’t have been able to stop it even if he tried. Getting angry at his tears only made them come harder.

A knock sounded on his door, and he heard Taekwoon ask him if he wanted dinner, but he wasn’t hungry. He didn’t feel like moving from his bed, either, and his negative response to Taekwoon ended up sounding harsher than he had intended it to be, using too much force just to make it past his throat at all. It couldn’t be helped, though, and thankfully Taekwoon didn’t probe, walking away from his room again and leaving him alone.

Of course he did. What else could he do if Hongbin kept shutting him out, both physically and emotionally?

Hongbin swallowed heavily against the tight lump in his throat, feeling so, so tired.

Eventually, that tiredness overwhelmed him and he fell into a fitful sleep.

His mind didn’t shut up as he slept. It tormented him with visions of Taekwoon laughing with Sungjae, hugging him, cuddling him, while he was left out. Doors closed in front of him to block his vision of the two, and to keep him from getting closer. Further and further away was the sound of Taekwoon’s laughter, his smile never directed at him anymore, until he was so far away from Taekwoon the human forgot about him. He recognized the last door shutting in his face with eerie clarity: it was the apartment’s front door; from outside.

He woke up with a start, sitting up in his bed abruptly. He was crying again, shaking, and everything in him screamed to get out of his room, pace it off, get some tea…

Hope for Taekwoon to wake up and join him…

Resolutely, he laid down again, refusing to give in to his urge to get up.

Maybe Taekwoon would throw him out one day; it was even highly likely that he would, eventually. But he shouldn’t provoke it any more than the unavoidable, like waking him up every other night just because he couldn’t sleep.

He didn’t sleep for the rest of the night. He didn’t even try. It was easier to distract himself from the haunting images when they came while he was awake, and so he managed to spend the rest of the night in a dazed kind of half-sleep that was more awake than asleep.

He was acutely aware of when Taekwoon got up in the morning, listening to every single one of his steps as he moved in the bathroom and then to the kitchen. He could smell the scent of food creeping down the hallway, but he didn’t let it affect him.

Eventually, Taekwoon’s footsteps approached again, and this time they didn’t turn into the bathroom but came to a halt in front of his door. As soon as they stopped, a light knock sounded on his door.

Hongbin wasn’t sure how to answer.

The knock sounded again.

“Hongbin? Are you awake?”

At least that was something Hongbin knew how to answer.

“Yes.”

Taekwoon sighed.

“Ah, good. Breakfast is ready.”

Hongbin grit his teeth.

“I’m not hungry.”

Another sigh came from Taekwoon, this one sounding decidedly weary.

“Hongbin… You haven’t eaten since lunch yesterday… Are you ok?”

Hongbin shrugged, forgetting that Taekwoon couldn’t see him.

Taekwoon waited in vain for an answer, frowning at the wooden panels of the door separating him from Hongbin.

“Hongbin? Please tell me if something’s wrong.”

Hongbin frowned, too, staring at his blanket in his lap.

“I’m ok.”

He was aware that Taekwoon most likely didn’t believe him, but he knew he wouldn’t find the words to explain why he wasn’t exactly ok to Taekwoon, anyway. And it wasn’t like he was sick, so it wasn’t even a lie.

Taekwoon fidgeted in front of Hongbin’s door a moment longer, before deciding to leave.

“If you do feel hungry eventually, food is in the kitchen, like always.” He reassured Hongbin before leaving.

Still, Hongbin didn’t come out of his room all morning, and not even when Taekwoon made lunch.

Taekwoon tried again to coax Hongbin out of his room, but to no avail. Hongbin barely answered him, either, and Taekwoon’s worry grew.

It was one thing for him to sulk for a while out of jealousy, but it wasn’t like Hongbin to refuse food. And he was actively refusing food, since he didn’t even open the door to peek at the tray of food Taekwoon eventually put together and left in front of his door, in the event Hongbin simply didn’t want to run into him and rather eat alone.

He was quickly nearing his wits end when the afternoon began to fade to evening and Hongbin had yet to peek out of the room. In his worry, he ended up calling the one person he could think of on top of his head who might be able to help him.

The ringing seemed to go on forever until Eunkwang finally picked up.

“Taekwoon? Sorry, I couldn’t pinpoint where the phone was… What’s up?”

Taekwoon took a deep breath.

“Hi… It’s ok. I, uhm… Eunkwang, I need your help. It’s about Hongbin. I’m not sure, but… I think he might be sick.”

Silence answered him for a moment, only filled with the sound of background noise getting quieter on the other end.

“What makes you think that?” Eunkwang eventually asked over the sound of a door shutting, and Taekwoon took a deep breath, rubbing at his nape as he paced in the living room.

“Well… he’s been refusing food, since yesterday evening. He didn’t want dinner, and hasn’t eaten since lunch yesterday. He hasn’t even come out of his room all day yet!”

Eunkwang hummed non-committedly, thinking for a moment.

“Sungjae told me he had a fit of jealousy yesterday…” He seemingly changed the topic, and Taekwoon rolled his eyes.

“Yes, possibly. I mean, that was most likely why he locked himself in in the first place yesterday, but it’s been almost 24 hours and he hasn’t come out even once!”

Eunkwang sighed.

“He’s a cat hybrid, Taekwoon. They are possibly the most stubborn creatures to roam this planet.”

“Maybe, but are they going to purposely starve themselves to death? I mean, he hasn’t even had anything to drink since yesterday! He can’t be willingly going without even water for this long if there isn’t something wrong, right?”

Eunkwang made an ambivalent noise.

“I can see that happening, to be honest… I don’t know just how stubborn Hongbin in particular is, but it’s not unheard of. Have you seen him at all since yesterday?”

“No, that’s what I’ve been saying this whole time!”

“Okay, okay… Talked to him?”

Taekwoon huffed, impatient.

“Kind of. I mean, he’s only been telling me through the door that he’s not hungry and doesn’t want anything, and that he’s ok… But I find that hard to believe.”

Eunkwang hummed again.

“Sounds like sulking to me… If you don’t have a point to prove and really want him to come out, I suggest you throw every last bit of dignity you have out the window and keep groveling at his door until he decides to open it, if only out of pity for you. It’s not guaranteed that that will work, though. Again, he’s a cat hybrid; which might as well be the dictionary definition of stubborn.”

Taekwoon shook his head, raking his hands through his hair.

“But what if he’s sick? I don’t think he would outright tell me. As far as I know, he might just as well try to hide it from me until he’s on the brink of death!”

“I highly doubt it. But if that should prove to be the case, call again and I’ll give you Sungjae’s doctor’s number. I just have to find it first, Sungjae has a tendency to try to erase all evidence of his existence to make it as hard as possible for me to get him there. Cat hybrids, I tell you. Anyway, I really doubt that Hongbin is sick. Still, good luck, Taekwoon.”

Taekwoon groaned, but hung up when the line went dead.

He set the phone aside quietly, lingering for a moment before deciding to try his luck again at coaxing Hongbin out of his room. As far as Hongbin was concerned, he didn’t give a damn about his dignity anyway, as long as Hongbin was ok.

He knocked lightly on his door, resisting the urge to rest his forehead against the wooden panel for support.

“Hongbin? Are you going to come out at least for dinner?” He was well aware of the despair laced into his words.

It took a moment before Hongbin answered him, though not to his question.

“I’m not sick!” His voice was firm, firmer than Taekwoon could recall ever having heard it be. It also told him Hongbin had been listening in on his call.

“Well, if you’re not sick, you must be hungry by now. It’s been a whole day since you last ate…”

Hongbin’s next answer was softer again, wobbling slightly.

“I’m not hungry.”

Taekwoon sighed.

“The only valid reason why you wouldn’t be hungry after going this long without eating would be if you were sick, though.”

“I’m not sick!” Hongbin reaffirmed once again, and Taekwoon felt frustration well up inside once again, starting to believe Eunkwang was at least right about the stubbornness of this kind of hybrid.

“Fine. You’re not sick and you’re not hungry. But let me tell you, if you keep not being hungry and not wanting to eat and drink, you will get sick!”

Hongbin didn’t give him an answer, and Taekwoon tilted his head back, staring at the ceiling as if hoping for some divine intervention that would help him convince Hongbin to come out.

“Why are you doing this, Hongbin?” His voice bordered on a whimper.

“If you are doing this because you are upset with me, then please tell me. Let me know, punish me for what I did to upset you, but don’t do this to yourself. Don’t punish yourself and get yourself sick because of me…”

He didn’t get an answer, but he didn’t know what else to say, either, and left once again. He wasn’t sure if it was worth it getting started on dinner, even if it would be just leftovers, or if he should just save himself the trouble.

*#*#*#*

Hongbin stood in the middle of his room, hands balled into fists at his sides as he kept himself rooted in place. His heart was beating too fast, and his breathing was too flat, but it wasn’t too bad yet. He didn’t care, anyway.

He’d jumped up from his bed, where he’d been laying this whole time, when the tone of Taekwoon’s voice changed. As long as Taekwoon kept just asking him if he was sick or hungry, he could keep up his act and short answers, but when Taekwoon sounded pained, it became too much. Unfortunately, that was when his voice decided to abandon him, too.

Before he could gather his thoughts enough to think of a reply, Taekwoon retreated down the hallway again, leaving him behind.

And he deserved it.

Just why was he doing this? Why was he so insistent on staying cooped up in his room, actively avoiding Taekwoon? He wanted to reassure him so Taekwoon would stop worrying, but he didn’t know how. And he was sure behaviour like this was one of the many reasons why Taekwoon must like Sungjae better than him.

But could he help it? He didn’t think he could.

Yes, he was jealous, but there was nothing he could do to turn the tables in his favour. He didn’t even know what exactly it would entail if Taekwoon came to like him as much as Sungjae, if that was ever possible.

But just the thought of Taekwoon hugging him like he did Sungjae made him want to jump out of his skin. He could stand being in the same room as Taekwoon, and the occasional touch. He didn’t really mind Taekwoon touching his head when he helped him wash and brush his hair; if he was being honest, that was actually quite nice. He could only just stand it when Taekwoon rearranged his fingers to show him how to hold chopsticks or a fork; if it didn’t take too long. Or when he took care of some injury he had. And it did help him ground himself in some situations when Taekwoon touched his shoulders or hands, when his voice wouldn’t reach him anymore. He didn’t even count the occasional brush of fingers when Taekwoon handed him something.

But that was it. Small, light touches that didn’t last long and fulfilled a purpose; those were bearable. But anything beyond that… He just couldn’t see it. And if that was what it took for Taekwoon to like him as much as Sungjae, he was better off if he didn’t.

Surely, that couldn’t be all there was to Sungjae that made Taekwoon like him better, though… right? Just what else did he do for Taekwoon to like him?

Well, except that he was probably better company in general. He seemed to talk more, and freely, so that was probably a bonus. And he was probably more helpful… he could at least leave his sight out of the apartment on his own! Taekwoon likely didn’t have to worry as much about him, either. And he was sure Sungjae knew how to eat with chopsticks, too…

Defeated, Hongbin took two steps back, sitting down on his bed again before turning and laying down on his side, burying his face in his destroyed pillow with a whimper.

Sungjae most likely didn’t make it a habit to destroy pillows, either… Or other things around the house, like glass lids of rice pots.

Hongbin let out a weary sigh as he sat up again, brushing the white tufts of pillow-stuffing out of his face and shoving them back into the torn pillowcase. Of course, when he pushed them in on one side, they would fall out of the other…

Frustrated and ashamed at the same time, he tried his best to knot the loose ends of fabric together in an attempt to close the multiple holes he’d made in the fabric. In the end, it held, no more white cotton-like flakes coming out, but it didn’t resemble a pillow anymore, but a formless lump.

Taekwoon would find out about this eventually, he was sure of it. If he did and he got punished for it, it would be well-deserved and he wouldn’t flinch away when it came. Still, he would like that to happen as far in the distant future as possible, and so he stuffed the pillow under his blanket, hiding it.

He jumped when a knock sounded on the door again.

“Hongbin? Should you eventually decide that you’re hungry, dinner is ready. I’ll make sure to wait for you before starting.”

Hongbin’s eyes widened and he froze.

Taekwoon wouldn’t eat before he did?

But, why? He’d told Taekwoon he wasn’t hungry, surely he must know that he didn’t plan to come out to eat!

He sighed, deflating.

He couldn’t just refuse to come out to eat if that meant Taekwoon wouldn’t get to eat, either, though. Taekwoon should never have to know what it was like to be starving. He was used to it, he could go longer than this without food and water, but Taekwoon should never have to. He had to make sure Taekwoon wouldn’t do this to himself, even if he didn’t want to leave the room. Regardless of all the things he couldn’t do for Taekwoon to like him, making him wait to eat was one thing he wouldn’t do to him.

He felt dizzy when he got up, a pressure on his temples indicating an oncoming headache from going this long without drinking anything, and stumbled slightly on his way to the door. Despite not having been living with Taekwoon for long yet, he’d gotten too used to regular meals too quickly.

He listened intently for any noise in the hallway before unlocking his door carefully and slipping into the hallway. He didn’t know why he was so careful -maybe out of habit- since he had to go and find Taekwoon anyway.

He was sitting in the living room, tapping away on his phone when Hongbin found him.

Hongbin grimaced at the discontent and worried expression Taekwoon was wearing, guilt gnawing at him for likely being the reason for that. He hesitated for a moment before clearing his throat gently to catch Taekwoon’s attention. It was so quiet in the room that Taekwoon heard him immediately, and his worried expression softened when he saw him.

“Hongbin… You came.”

Hongbin swallowed, averting his gaze to his feet.

“Do you want dinner after all?”

Hongbin nodded quietly, and Taekwoon stood up, taking a step towards the kitchen.

“Let’s go, then. It should be warm, still.”

Hongbin followed him at a distance, joining him the kitchen, though. He was silently grateful Taekwoon handed him a tall glass of juice first, before moving to fill plates with food. He was so thirsty! He emptied the cup rapidly, and Taekwoon set the plate he was filling down, watching him lower the empty glass.

“More?” he asked, and Hongbin nodded, setting the glass down on the counter close to Taekwoon, who refilled it silently before moving back to the plates.

Hongbin’s plate stayed on the counter as Taekwoon moved his own to the table. He could choose where he wanted to eat, and he chose to sit down on the floor with his plate and the fork he chose over the chopsticks.

“Use your other hand, it will be easier.” Taekwoon commented gently from the table as he watched Hongbin struggle to adjust the fork in his right hand, and the boy looked up from his plate, startled. Taekwoon was holding his chopsticks with the left hand, too, though.

Averting his gaze again, he passed the fork to his other hand and hesitantly picked up some food. He could tell Taekwoon was watching him even though he wasn’t looking at him directly and it quickly became obvious that Taekwoon wouldn’t start eating before he did. And so, he took the first bite, which was quickly followed by Taekwoon taking his own first bite. The first couple of bites had to be prompted by Taekwoon in that way, but quickly, Hongbin’s hunger won over and he ate on his own, emptying his plate rather quickly.

Taekwoon looked up when he noticed Hongbin eating his last bit.

“Do you want more?”

Hongbin hesitated with his answer, which was answer enough for Taekwoon, and he got up.

“Give me your plate.” He held out his hand, and Hongbin complied quietly.

“Just a little, please…” He added, though, and Taekwoon nodded.

“Tell me when it’s enough.”

Hongbin’s eyes fixed on his plate, restless, while Taekwoon filled it.

“That’s…” Taekwoon paused, looking questioningly at Hongbin. “That’s enough…” He finished his sentence and Taekwoon put the ladle back in the pot and handed Hongbin his plate back.

He didn’t comment on how quickly Hongbin finished his food again, but he gave him a soft smile once he finished his second plate.

“Feeling better now?”

Hongbin was surprised he actually did. Much better, in fact, even though his head still throbbed. He nodded, feeling relieved when more of the lines of worry smoothed out of Taekwoon’s expression and he continued his meal. He sat waiting, unsure what to do, until Taekwoon finished eating, too.

It was then he noticed the curious glances Taekwoon was giving him every now and again, and he felt self-conscious. Did he have something on his face? He rubbed it discreetly. It wasn’t discrete enough, though, since Taekwoon noticed it.

“It’s on your head… there’s something white…”

He reached up quickly, his fingers finding immediately what Taekwoon meant, and pulled some pillow-stuffing out of his hair.

“Uhm, there’s more…” Taekwoon indicated, and Hongbin found more pillow stuffing with every time he reached up. Taekwoon could barely hide a smile, shaking his head.

“Can I help you?”

Hongbin stopped, fighting the embarrassment, but nodded, standing stock-still as Taekwoon approached and plucked the white cotton flakes out of his hair.

“Have you been brushing your hair?” He asked quietly when he finished, and Hongbin nodded.

“Yes… But… Not today.”

Taekwoon hummed, crossing the kitchen to the waste-bin and throwing the cotton flakes away.

“It could use a wash sometime soon, again.” He remarked, and Hongbin’s stomach dropped. He knew that, but he felt like such a burden when he asked Taekwoon for help with that all the time. It was like he was a helpless child when he couldn’t even wash his hair on his own!

“Anyway, where does all of that white stuff even come from? Did one of your pillows break?”

Hongbin inhaled sharply, tensing, but nodded to that. It wasn’t a lie; the pillow did burst… Just no on its own. Taekwoon frowned slightly.

“That’s a shame. Can I see it? Maybe it’s salvageable.”

He was quite sure there was no way to fix the pillow, but he went to his room and got it anyway. So what, if Taekwoon found out about it sooner rather than later, at least then he wouldn’t live in fear of him finding out for an uncertain amount of time.

Taekwoon had returned to the living room by the time Hongbin came back, and he walked over hesitantly to show him the formless bundle.

Taekwoon’s expression remained remarkably impassive as he inspected it.

“It didn’t burst on his own, did it?” He asked, rather gently.

Hongbin shook his head.

“Why did you tear it?” He sounded more curious than angry, but Hongbin was on high alert anyway.

“I didn’t… Didn’t know I was doing it, when I was… I was angry.”

Taekwoon hummed, undoing the knots Hongbin had done and inspecting the tears his claws had left. Hongbin’s throat began to close up, but there was something he had to let Taekwoon know.

“I’m not… I’m not feral, though. I promise.” He whispered, his voice shaking.

Taekwoon looked up from the pillow, nodding softly.

“I know that, Hongbin, don’t worry. But I would like to know what made you so angry that you did tear the pillow.”

Hongbin averted his gaze, shifting uncomfortably.

“I have a suspicion, but I want you to tell me if it’s true, ok?”

Hongbin nodded, his mind running with possibilities of what Taekwoon could think, which all came to a halt when he spoke again.

“Was it because of Sungjae? I know you were watching us. Did you get jealous?”

Hongbin’s eyes widened, and his breathing hitched. Out of all the things Taekwoon could be thinking, why did he have to be so spot on? His vision swam, and he could tell that Taekwoon was sitting up on the couch.

“Breathe, Hongbin. You’re starting to hyperventilate again. Calm down, it’s ok. It’s ok to get jealous, and I’m not mad at you for it. Or for tearing the pillow. You’re not in trouble.”

Hongbin caught himself quickly, calming down. He didn’t want to faint.

“Why did Sungjae make you feel jealous, though? Can you tell me?”

Hongbin guessed he could, if he knew where to start. There was so much, so many reasons, but in the end… It all came down to one thing, in the end.

“I… I can’t… be like him.” He admitted after a while.

Taekwoon nodded, humming.

“Hmm, I know. No one can be like him, except Sungjae himself. Just like no one can be like Hakyeon, except Hakyeon, and no one is like I am, except me, and no one will ever be like you, but you.”

Hongbin stared at him, unsure of what Taekwoon was trying to say. Taekwoon sighed.

“What I mean, is that I don’t expect you to be like Sungjae. I never have, and I never will. And you should never try. You are Hongbin, and that’s enough. You don’t need to be like someone else.”

Hongbin averted his gaze to his hands, playing with his fingers, unsure.

“But… I can’t… do so many things… I always need help, and I keep breaking things.”

Taekwoon shook his head.

“And that’s ok, Hongbin. Do you think Sungjae is flawless? If you ask him to help clean a kitchen, you might as well buy a new one already. At best, he’s able to put a spoon in the dishwasher, and even then, he probably puts it in the wrong way around. He’s so easily distracted, he keeps flooding the bathroom. Eunkwang has had to have the bath and hallway flooring of their house redone twice already this year alone because of it. He’s so hyperactive, Eunkwang and his friends take turns keeping him company or he’d burn out our nerves with his constant chattering and jumping and running and pulling. And still, everyone loves him, despite his flaws.

“We all have flaws, they are a part of everyone, and they are what makes a person complete. You are not worth less than someone else because you have flaws. They have their own. And you have qualities others might not have and that people will love you for, and they’ll love you despite whatever flaws you might have.”

Hongbin stared at the floor in front of him for a long time, thinking about Taekwoon’s words.

“Even if… if I can’t hug?”

Taekwoon’s heart broke in that moment.

“Yes, Hongbin. Even if you can’t hug. And if you can’t stand someone touching you. Or you wake up a lot because of nightmares, and still need help doing things others might not need help with. You are loved, despite all of that, because there is so much more to you than just that.”

Hongbin closed his eyes, biting his lips. It sounded too good to be true.

*#*#*#*

Taekwoon had a feeling Hongbin didn’t quite believe his words, but they did make him very pensive. He no longer locked himself in in his room, even leaving the door open occasionally, sitting in the living room sometimes, and did come out for the meals and to do his chores, but he talked less than what had become usual, often appearing absentminded.

Taekwoon left him be, giving him time and space when he wanted it, but never shutting him out, doing his best to make him feel welcomed and cared for. The closest they came was when Taekwoon helped him wash his hair again, though Hongbin rejected Taekwoon’s offer to help dry and brush his hair. He did a good job tending to it on his own, too, and Taekwoon didn’t think much of it, even if he would have liked it if Hongbin got to relax to the point he fell asleep purring again. Maybe another time.

Right now, as he was getting ready to leave for work for once, he regretted giving Hongbin so much space the day before he completely forgot to tell him he’d be leaving that day, and probably only coming back late. He wasn’t going to wake Hongbin up now, though, either, since he knew all too well he’d only fallen asleep less than two hours ago after nightmares kept him awake all night.

Sighing, he got a pen and paper out of his office and wrote a note to him, telling him he’d gone to the company and would be home late. He made sure to take everything else off the fridge door, leaving only that note so Hongbin couldn’t miss it when he went to get breakfast.

That done, he left, hurrying to the cake shop before continuing on to the company. It was a damn shame that that meeting with that one producer he was planning to work with had to be scheduled on his birthday. He had his suspicions that certain people might have had their fingers in it to lure him out on this day.

His suspicions grew when he found his best friend waiting at the entrance to the company, swamping him in a hug in a way that should be impossible for someone as slender as Hakyeon.

“Happy Birthday, Woonie!”

Taekwoon staggered back.

“Thank you… It’s going to be my last if you keep squeezing the air out of me like that…” Hakyeon hit his arm, not letting go, and Taekwoon walked them out of the doorway to stop blocking it for other people.

“I haven’t seen you in so long I almost forgot what you looked like!” Hakyeon whined, and Taekwoon patted his back.

“You still recognized me soon enough when I went through that door, so it can’t have been that bad yet.”

Hakyeon hit him again.

“I said almost, not that I actually forgot it, grouchy. What’s that?” He pointed at the bag with the cake box Taekwoon was holding out of reach.

“Cake. Sinfully sweet and very unhealthy. Totally off your menu.”

Hakyeon groaned.

“You’re going to make me burst out of my clothes one day.”

“No one said you had to eat it. I’m sure I’ll find someone who’ll gladly eat your share. Hi, Eunkwang.”

Eunkwang grinned, hugging him as soon as Hakyeon let him go.

“Happy Birthday. And sorry we made you come in today, on your special day.”

Taekwoon gave him a disbelieving look.

“Yeah, you look very sorry, indeed. Admit it, you all just wanted a chance at a free piece of cake from that store near my house.”

Eunkwang laughed.

“I swear that wasn’t part of the plan, but it might have been an afterthought. They do make unfairly delicious cakes. Speaking of, you better hide it or it won’t last until lunch.”

Taekwoon mock saluted, turning to lead them to his office and storing the cake in the mini fridge he had there. Hakyeon bid them goodbye halfway there, but Eunkwang followed him.

“Did you read the file Sungjae gave you?”

Taekwoon nodded.

“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. He sounds interesting, as does his music. He’s talented.”

Eunkwang nodded.

“We’re debating hiring him for good, but for now he’s in probation, of course without knowing it. Since you’re going to be the one working closest with him, you’re going to be who’ll get to know him the best. I’m counting on you.”

Taekwoon rolled his eyes.

“Couldn’t you have found someone whose social skills are even just a little worse than mine for that task, Eunkwang? I can already see myself pushing him up against a wall asking him if he’s got a problem with hybrids two minutes after meeting him. That’s my definition of subtlety, you know.”

Eunkwang waved off his concerns.

“You’ll do fine. Just focus on your work and pay attention to off-hand comments, sideways glances, things like that. That’s going to show you a more honest picture than any direct answer could paint.”

Taekwoon sighed, getting up after finishing putting the cake away.

“Alright. I’ll try. Don’t expect too much from me, though.”

Eunkwang shook his head, patting Taekwoon’s shoulder.

“I know exactly what I can expect from you, Taekwoonie. By the way, how are things with Hongbin going? Did you get him to leave the room?”

Taekwoon nodded.

“How?”

Taekwoon sighed.

“Guilt tripping. I know, I , but I was desperate.”

Eunkwang rose an eyebrow.

“What did you tell him?”

“That I wasn’t going to start eating dinner without him. It took him all of three minutes to come out after that.”

Eunkwang whistled.

“Damn, Taekwoon. He thinks highly of you.”

“To be honest, I didn’t expect it to work.”

“He’d starve himself, but not let you get hungry. The kid loves you.”

Taekwoon rolled his eyes, sighing.

“If only he believed he’s worth of being loved, too.”

“You’ll get there. Don’t give up.”

“I’d never.”

A knock sounded on the door.

“Mr. Ravi has arrived and is waiting downstairs.” A secretary announced.

“Send him up to the conference rooms, we’ll meet him there.” Eunkwang instructed, chuckling as he saw Taekwoon straighten his clothes and hair.

“You’re beautiful already, Taekwoon, my vain friend. Let’s go.”

Taekwoon scowled.

“That’s Hakyeon, you must have gotten us confused. I was just making sure I look half decent after spending the past weeks in sweatpants and loose hoodies.”

“Now you’re just making me jealous on purpose, aren’t you?”

They left for the elevators, riding up to the conference rooms. They’d only just chosen one when the elevator dinged again and a person stepped out.

‘Eccentric’ was the first thing Taekwoon thought, watching the rapper walk towards them. He wore a bright orange beanie and neon green scarf that clashed so hard Taekwoon swore his eyes would have watered, if it wasn’t for his sunglasses that were so big Taekwoon felt they left enough room to cover his own eyes as well. He wasn’t sure if that weird way to walk was a rapper thing, but it did look as if he was constantly one step away from tripping and falling.

He seemed nice enough and easy to work with after getting to know him a little, though, none of the eccentricity shown in his clothes and movements transpiring to his personality when they talked, and he sure had a good ear for music. Taekwoon already knew what to expect from his compositions style-wise, but seeing him at work was a different thing altogether. He seemed to understand what Taekwoon meant when he commented on compositions with almost eerie accuracy, knowing exactly how to translate it into notes and sounds. It didn’t seem like it would be a chore, having to work with Ravi.

Lunch passed and the afternoon flew by, and before long evening rolled around and Taekwoon wrapped up the work for the day with the rapper, bidding him goodbye and rushing to the nearby pub his friends were already waiting at for him. Eunkwang had texted him he’d already picked up the cake from his office, all he had to do was get himself there.

He was welcomed by a choir singing him a happy birthday, and was about ready to turn around and leave as soon as he came in, but of course they knew him well enough to have posted Sungjae and Hakyeon at the door in advance, who caught him and dragged him further inside, preventing his escape. And so, he had to endure the long version of the song, the other patrons in the club cheerily joining in, too, embarrassing him further. He bowed at all of them once they finally came to an end, thanking them, before plopping into a chair between Hakyeon and Minhyuk.

A drink was shoved into his hands, and Hakyeon claimed it was the local special birthday cocktail. It tasted legit like cake, and Taekwoon didn’t mind it too much, though he much preferred the actual cake, which was soon brought out, parted and devoured, accompanied by the delighted moans of Sungjae who praised his soul for having chosen a cheesecake.

More rounds of drinks passed, and by the time Jaehwan eventually arrived, Taekwoon had long forgotten he was supposed to be mad at him and forgave him readily. Still, Jaehwan apologized again, promised it wouldn’t happen again, and that he would pay him the money back as soon as the next paycheck came in.

When Eunkwang offered to pay Jaehwan early this month, though, Hakyeon leapt over the table, covering his mouth while mushing his cake with his belly, eliciting laughs all over.

“You can’t do that, Eunkwang. If you do, he’ll be broke before the first of the next month already. Never give Jaehwan money in advance. It’s going to be my fridge he’s going to raid now that Taekwoon’s is off limits when he runs out of money.”

More laughs resounded, and Taekwoon smiled probably a little stupidly. He really appreciated these people around him. They weren’t many, but they were good quality.

Eventually the conversation turned to Hongbin once they calmed down somewhat and engaged in more civilized kinds of conversations.

“He’s doing well, I guess. He’s opening up, very slowly. I guess he’s still moping a bit out of jealousy over Sungjae, but I’m sure he’ll come around eventually. I just have to prove to him that I like him more than Sungjae.”

Sungjae protested at the jab, but calmed down quickly.

“I’m starting to really regret making him jealous. I didn’t think it would affect him that much.”

Taekwoon patted his shoulder.

“It’s ok. I think no one can predict how Hongbin will react to anything.”

“How did he react, then?” Minhyuk eventually asked, and Taekwoon filled him in. Minhyuk listened closely, humming from time to time.

“Sounds to me like he doesn’t think much of himself… When he saw you with Sungjae, he must have thought you were seeking to replace him because he’s not good enough.”

Taekwoon nodded.

“That’s what I concluded, too. He doesn’t seem to believe me much when I tell him he’s important to me and that I care about him. And actions take time.”

Minhyuk agreed with him.

“That’s all you can do, though. Prove it to him, how much he means to you. Make him feel treasured and special. I guess it would help if you could get him to go out with you, so he can see first-hand that he’s more to you than everyone else out there.”

Taekwoon was about to answer something, when Jaehwan got up, swaying precariously, raising his glass for a toast to Taekwoon. Minhyuk joined in, and Taekwoon had to answer. A few more followed, and they left their conversation unfinished in favour of new ones around the table.

It got late before they broke apart, everyone going to their respective homes. Taekwoon was almost completely back to sober by then, in part thanks to the large fries with unhealthy amounts of ketchup from a street vendor he’d shared with Hakyeon, the other complaining about the amount of ketchup with every single bite he took, even though he’d been the one to squeeze it on top of the fried potato snack.

He still fumbled with the keys longer than normal, but eventually managed to open the front door to his apartment and turn on the lights as he stepped inside. He could hear a squabble from the other end of the apartment, before Hongbin’s door flew open and the hybrid darted into the hallway, stopping as soon as he came into Taekwoon’s line of sight, freezing for a moment.

And then it was like all strength had left the hybrid as he dropped to the floor, and it took Taekwoon a moment longer to realize he was sobbing unconsolably.

He’d never kicked his shoes off so fast, to rush to his side.

“Hongbin! Hongbin, what’s wrong?”

Hongbin didn’t answer, sobbing into his hands and not even acknowledging Taekwoon kneeling next to him.

“Hongbin, hey… Hey, shhh, it’s alright... I’m here… What’s wrong? Please tell me. Shh, calm down, it’s ok…”

He rested a hand on Hongbin’s shoulder, resulting in a hiccup from the hybrid, but it took a while longer before he calmed down to sniffles and shaky breaths rather than sobs.

“What happened, Hongbin? Are you ok?” Taekwoon asked gently, watching Hongbin rock slightly back and forth where he sat, accepting the tissues and towel Taekwoon was handing him to clean himself up.

“I… I thought… that you’d… you’d left…” He started, breathing shakily. “For good.” He added, and Taekwoon’s eyes widened.

“What?! Why would you think that? I’d never leave just like that, Hongbin. And I certainly wouldn’t leave you behind!”

Hongbin hid his face in the damp towel, shaking his head.

“I thought you did… You weren’t there…”

Taekwoon exhaled slowly.

“Hongbin… I’d never leave you behind. I’m sorry it upset you that I left so early and came back this late… I should have told you yesterday. I did leave you a note on the fridge, though, didn’t you see that?”

Hongbin froze, a tension spreading through his whole body.

“Hongbin…?” Taekwoon asked hesitantly, able to see how Hongbin’s hands trembled lightly with how close he was sitting to him, his jaw clenching and unclenching.

“What’s wrong? Did I say something wrong?”

Hongbin shook his head curtly, his eyes fixed steadily on the floor. Taekwoon could tell by now that at least he wasn’t working himself into a panic attack, though something was most definitely still wrong.

“Hongbin, please don’t shut me out. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s bothering you.”

Hongbin took a shaky breath, curling in on himself and hiding his face in the towel again. He shook his head slowly, then stopped.

“I can’t… can’t read.” He whispered, sounding incredibly defeated.

Taekwoon felt like he’d been slapped.

Of course.

He should have thought of that. He should have figured that out a long time ago, actually.

It all made sense now. Why Hongbin refused to use any appliances, both the household and entertainment ones. How he couldn’t find things by their label.

He’d been kicked out of the facilities he’d been born in before he’d reached school-age, and it was unlikely that he’d gotten access to an education since then.

Taekwoon felt like an idiot for not thinking about that sooner.

“Oh… right…” He replied dumbly, probably after way too long. “I should have asked you about that before… I’m sorry. I never meant to make you worry like you most likely did today.”

Hongbin relaxed only slightly, still clutching to the towel, his gaze turned down in shame. Taekwoon could almost read how he was feeling as if it was written out in neon letters above his head; yet another thing he couldn’t do. He sighed quietly.

“Hongbin… It’s ok not to know how to read. Remember that it’s not your fault if you don’t know how to do things that no one ever taught you.”

Hongbin shook his head lightly.

“Everyone knows how to read…”

“Everyone who was privileged enough to be able to go to school and have people teach them. Not everyone had that privilege, though, and it’s not their fault if they didn’t. You can always still learn if you want.”

Hongbin hesitated a moment, then let his shoulders drop again.

“I don’t think I can…”

Taekwoon sighed.

“You can, I’m sure of it. I’ll teach you, if you want to learn. But not tonight. It’s late. Have you even eaten yet today?” He asked in the end, hearing Hongbin’s stomach growl.

Hongbin shook his head slowly, and Taekwoon hummed. He’d honestly expected that by now.

“You should, though. You need to take care of yourself. Go sit down in the living room, I’ll make you something.”

He stood up, waiting for Hongbin to do the same. When he moved to go to the kitchen, Hongbin followed him, though.

“You should go sit down. Rest up. I’ll be there in no time.” Taekwoon encouraged him to go make himself comfortable, but Hongbin preferred to stand in the door connecting the kitchen to the living room, watching him closely.

Taekwoon didn’t insist on sending him away any further, instead focusing on heating up food and making some tea for both of them.

“Here, you can bring the tea over. Careful, it’s hot.” He instructed Hongbin eventually, and the boy complied, though he was back in the doorway in no time.

“I won’t disappear on you again, Hongbin… Let’s go sit down, I got your food here.”

Hongbin only moved when Taekwoon was almost in front of him, hurrying to his usual spot on the floor next to the coffee table. Taekwoon sat the plate down in front of him and sat down on the couch. Hongbin looked a little bewildered at the single plate on the table.

“Aren’t you going to eat?” He asked timidly, and Taekwoon shook his head.

“I ate before I came home. I didn’t know you hadn’t eaten yet. Don’t worry about it, just eat up comfortably.”

Hongbin focused on his plate then, reaching for the chopsticks.

“The other hand, Hongbin…” Taekwoon reminded him, and Hongbin changed the sticks to the left hand as his cheeks warmed up with a rosy tint. It was taking a while to convince him that it wasn’t wrong to use the left hand.

Today, he might as well have used the right hand with how slowly he was eating. It was as if he was stretching the meal out as long as possible, and drinking up his tea even longer, constantly glancing at Taekwoon as if to make sure he was still there. Eventually, he finished up his plate of food, and Taekwoon took the empty dish to the kitchen after asking Hongbin if he wanted more, which he shook his head no to. He was about to get up to follow after him when Taekwoon returned, though, quickly pretending that wasn’t, in fact, what he was doing as he saw Taekwoon returning and quickly hiding behind his mug again.

“Hongbin… Can I ask you something?” He asked once he sat down again, and Hongbin stopped pretending he was drinking his tea, pondering for a moment before nodding.

“Why did you think I would leave you behind and not come back?”

Hongbin’s grip on his mug tightened, and he lowered it slowly into his lap, staring into the liquid as he lowered his gaze with it and staying quiet for the longest time. Eventually, he shrugged, as if it wasn’t a big deal.

“I just thought you might have… Maybe because… because you found someone better... Someone… somewhere, who’s easier to be with... Who isn’t as… as incapable. Who’s… normal…” He choked on the last word, his hands shaking around the mug he was holding.

Taekwoon shook his head, sad.

“There might be countless people like that out there, Hongbin, but they all have one big flaw that I can’t overlook, and that will always bring me back here at the end of the day…”

Hongbin looked up slightly, and Taekwoon almost caught his gaze before he averted it again.

“None of them are you. And you are the only one I want to live with.” He continued, his voice as serious and earnest as he could muster it to be.

Hongbin’s hands still shook as he lifted his mug again, this time sipping on his tea for real, as he gently shook his head.

Taekwoon knew he didn’t believe him, and sighed softly.

“I hope that one day, you can believe me, Hongbin. That one day, you’ll stop worrying that I might leave, that I might replace you, or that I might hurt you in any other way on purpose…”

Hongbin didn’t answer, continuing to sip on his tea, and they sat in silence. The hybrid stifled countless yawns, trying to hide them behind his mug, until Taekwoon decided it was too late for this.

“You should go to sleep. I know your tea must have long run out or at least grown cold by now.”

Hongbin lowered his mug.

“I’m not tired…” He mumbled weakly, but Taekwoon shook his head.

“You’ve spent the past half hour yawning so much it’s a wonder you’re still sitting upright. Go ahead, put your mug in the dishwasher and get ready for bed.”

Hongbin pouted as he got up, but went and put his mug away.

“I’m really not tired…” He tried again, and Taekwoon answered him with a yawn.

“But I am, and I’m going to sleep now. If you don’t want to go to sleep, fine. But I will.”

Hongbin straightened where he stood, taking a deep breath as if he wanted to say something, and shifted nervously on his feet for a moment, but then his shoulders sagged and he hung his head, resigned.

Taekwoon sighed.

“Hongbin… I won’t leave again. I’ll be right here tomorrow morning. I promise.”

Hongbin didn’t answer outwardly, but he did go ahead and soon the door to his room closed behind him. With a sigh, Taekwoon went and got ready for bed himself.

He still had a long journey ahead of him with Hongbin.

*#*#*#*

Hongbin was awake early the next morning, and the first thing he did as he woke up was dart out of his room and check the rest of the apartment to reassure himself Taekwoon was still there.

He was, still fast asleep in his room.

Hongbin returned to his own room much calmer. He wasn’t alone again. Taekwoon hadn’t left.

He couldn’t sit still in his room, though, constantly stopping to listen if he could hear Taekwoon move yet. It was making him anxious that he wasn’t sure if Taekwoon was getting up already or not, and eventually he moved to the living room.

If Taekwoon wanted to leave the apartment, he had to get past the open living room door, and he would notice it. It reassured him somewhat, even if he was quickly bored by just waiting. So he decided to pass the time doing something useful, watering the plants, cleaning the coffee table, fluffing up the pillows on the couch…

And then he heard Taekwoon’s door open, and his footsteps approaching.

Taekwoon yawned widely, stretching as he walked past the door, not even noticing Hongbin in the living room on his way to the kitchen.

Hongbin’s heartrate slowed down again when he saw he was still wearing his sleeping clothes. Surely, he wouldn’t leave the house in those!

He got up, too, walking towards the connecting door to the kitchen, and appeared in the doorframe just as Taekwoon entered the kitchen. He blinked, then gave Hongbin a soft smile.

“Good morning.”

Hongbin replied quietly, but Taekwoon heard him anyway.

“You’re up early… Are you hungry?”

Hongbin wasn’t particularly hungry, but he wouldn’t mind something to eat, either.

“I’ll make us breakfast, then. Want to help?”

Hongbin’s eyes widened slightly, but he nodded. At least he could make himself useful.

Taekwoon instructed him on different things to get from cabinets and drawers while he prepared the meal, and Hongbin felt more and more at ease with every thing he knew the exact location of and every task he was able to complete without help. Eventually, they finished, and Taekwoon sent Hongbin ahead with the drinks before following him with the food to the living room.

After sitting down, Taekwoon picked his phone up.

“I just have to make a quick call, you can start eating already.” He indicated the food to Hongbin, who hesitated nonetheless. Taekwoon didn’t push him, instead dialing the number he needed to call.

Hongbin couldn’t help but listen in, even as he tried not to.

“Hello?” The voice on the other end of the line sounded sleepy, still.

“Eunkwang, good morning. Sorry to call you this early, but I wanted to let you know I’m not coming in today.”

A grumble came from the other end.

“Didn’t you have a meeting with Ravi this afternoon?”

“That’s why I’m calling you and not the staff manager. Can you rearrange that?”

Eunkwang sighed.

“You really can’t come in at least in the afternoon?”

“No.”

Eunkwang hummed.

“Alright. Are you ok? Did something happen with Hongbin?”

Taekwoon smiled softly.

“We’re fine, don’t worry. I still won’t come in, though.”

Eunkwang sighed.

“I got that. I’ll handle Ravi. But I expect you to repay me the favour with a birthday cake from that shop near your place. I swear I dreamt about your cake yesterday all of last night.”

Taekwoon laughed.

“Got it. Schedule the meeting for tomorrow afternoon?”

“Will do. Have a nice day, doing whatever’s keeping your lazy away from work.”

Taekwoon snorted.

“You too, rotting away in your office.”

“I hate you.” Eunkwang disconnected the call, and Taekwoon chuckled, putting the phone down.

Hongbin was still pretending he hadn’t been listening in, but curiosity got the better of him.

“He doesn’t really hate you, right?”

Taekwoon shook his head.

“No, he doesn’t. He’s one of my best friends. He was just joking.”

Hongbin nodded, finally starting to fill his plate after Taekwoon did the same and encouraged him again.

“Are you staying here because of me?” Hongbin eventually asked, and Taekwoon hummed.

“You were too upset last night for me to feel ok leaving you alone today.” He answered him honestly.

Hongbin averted his gaze, his ears turning down as he visibly shrunk in on himself.

“It’s not your fault, Hongbin. I’m merely making up for my mistake, and I’m doing it because I want to.” Taekwoon reassured him gently between bites.

Hongbin bit his lip.

“You won’t get in trouble for it?”

Taekwoon shook his head.

“I won’t. Eunkwang will handle it. He’s the boss of the company I work for. If I’m not in trouble with him, I’m not in trouble at all.”

Hongbin looked at least somewhat relieved, but there was also an underlying curiosity in his expression that he couldn’t quite hide.

“Besides, I can always work from home so I won’t fall behind.” Taekwoon shrugged, taking another bite of his food.

“What-…” Hongbin started, but broke off, shaking his head.

“What were you going to ask?” Taekwoon prompted gently, but Hongbin shook his head again.

“Never mind…”

Taekwoon observed him for a moment as he shoved around his food on his plate, noticing he was using his left hand already to hold the fork this time.

“I think I never told you what it is I work as, did I?” He eventually asked, and Hongbin dropped his food from his fork accidentally, his hand shaking a little as he went to pick it up again. He merely shook his head in answer.

Taekwoon nodded to himself.

“I can show you, after breakfast, if you want.”

He could tell Hongbin wanted to tell him not to bother, but his curiosity won over and he kept quiet. Taekwoon smiled to himself. He’d guessed correctly what Hongbin’s curiosity was directed at. Slowly but surely, sometimes, he did manage to read him correctly.

They finished breakfast in relative silence, working together to clean up afterwards.

“Come, I’ll show you what I’m always working on.” Taekwoon prompted him, and Hongbin followed him to the office, though he stopped in the doorway, not daring to go in further.

Taekwoon booted the computer up, plugged the headphones out and some speakers in, turning the volume down. Hongbin had sensitive hearing, if he left the volume up it might hurt him.

“I work in a music company. I’m a composer, mostly, but I produce, too. This is a song I’ve been working on lately. You’re the first one to hear it, besides me.” He clicked on the file, and a soft melody filled the room, sweet and melancholic, still without lyrics.

Hongbin gaped at him, and Taekwoon smiled as he moved to the piano in the corner and started playing along to the melody from the speakers. It ended rather quickly, since it wasn’t finished yet, but Hongbin was impressed enough all the same.

“You… you made that?”

Taekwoon nodded.

“Yes. This is what I do. I create music.”

Hongbin seemed to think about it for a while.

“So that’s… that’s why you always wear those?” He pointed at the headphones.

Taekwoon nodded.

“The creation process doesn’t sound as nice as the finished product, and it can get annoying really fast, to always hear the same few notes with only little changes, time and time again. I thought I’d spare you that.”

Hongbin didn’t comment on that.

“That was… beautiful, though.” He motioned at the piano.

“Thank you. It’s not finished yet, but I’m quite happy with how it’s turning out. Do you want to hear something else?”

Hongbin nodded, and Taekwoon wondered if he’d ever seen him look so eager. He pulled up another piece, a finished one from the group he’d helped produce the last album for.

“This was what I was working on when I had to spend so much time at the company a while back and barely had time to be home.” He explained, and Hongbin listened closely.

“That’s not you singing…” He commented, and Taekwoon chuckled.

“No, it’s not. It’s a bunch of kids that work for the company, too. I made the song for them. I rarely sing, and never for the finished songs.”

Hongbin accepted that, waiting until the song finished.

“It’s nice.” He remarked, and Taekwoon thanked him again.

“Do you… do this every day?” He asked, though, somewhat incredulous, and Taekwoon nodded.

“Mostly. There is a lot to it, though, and it’s never the same, so it doesn’t get boring. Yesterday, for example, I met another producer with whom I’m supposed to make a few songs for a collaboration project. His style is very different from mine. It’s going to be interesting to see what we come up with in the end. That collaboration is also why I’ll have to go to the company more in the next few weeks, and won’t spend as much time here. It won’t be as bad as that time a few weeks ago, though.”

Hongbin nodded slowly, though he felt disappointed. He found himself wishing Taekwoon didn’t have to leave for whole days again. The longer he stayed away, the more anxious he got that he wouldn’t return. Yesterday had been hell on him.

But if Taekwoon had to work with someone else, he preferred he did it somewhere else. It was better than if that other person came here, after all.

Taekwoon turned to his computer, shutting it off again.

“I don’t necessarily need to do anything important today, though. So I’ve been thinking, I could use that time to start teaching you how to read, if you want.”

Hongbin’s eyes widened and he stumbled a step back before averting his gaze to the floor to hide his embarrassed blush.

“I’m not going to force you if you don’t want to learn it, Hongbin. It was just a suggestion.”

Hongbin shifted uncomfortably. He hated the idea of Taekwoon seeing how incompetent he was, how little he really knew. But he hated the idea of staying that way forever even more. If he had a chance to learn, even if just a little, he should take it with both hands, right?

“I… yes.” He answered eventually, and Taekwoon cocked his head, questioningly.

“Yes? You want me to teach you?”

Hongbin nodded, and Taekwoon gave him a smile.

“Alright, then.” He went and picked up a stack of paper from the printer in a corner and a few pens, unsure which worked and which didn’t.

They sat down in the living room, at the coffee table, and Taekwoon started showing Hongbin letters he drew on the paper. A few, only, encouraging him to draw them himself, too.

Hongbin struggled, especially with the writing part, and he hated every single time he got the sound of the letters mixed up. He felt so embarrassed, fearing he’d disappoint Taekwoon, too, but Taekwoon showed endless patience, encouraging him to try again and again.

Hongbin was close to giving up when he still couldn’t tell the few letters Taekwoon had shown him until lunch apart properly, but Taekwoon would have none of it.

“No one learns how to read in a few hours, Hongbin. Everyone who knows it took months to learn it, some even years. And we’ve had the advantage that we learned at a time in our lives when learning was much easier, still. You’re doing amazing already, much better than most do even as kids. Let’s take a break and make lunch for now. We can continue later, if you’re up for it.”

Hongbin was up for it, feeling encouraged by Taekwoon’s praise, and tried hard the rest of the afternoon, too, until an upcoming headache put an end to his ability to focus.

At night, when the darkness and quietness of his room had managed to soothe his headache enough so it faded into no more than a light throbbing, he laid awake, wondering.

He wondered if his struggle was even worth it. If there was something that warranted him trying so hard to learn how to read and write now. Of course, it was useful, but was it useful enough for him to try so hard now? What exactly was he doing it for?

He sighed quietly into the darkness.

He knew all too well what he was doing it for. Or rather, whom.

Maybe he cared too much, but he couldn’t stand it to appear any more useless in Taekwoon’s eyes, and even if Taekwoon kept reassuring him he wasn’t, he felt like it. And he hated that feeling. He wanted to be worthy of Taekwoon, maybe even make him proud.

He couldn’t remember the last time he had dared to want something, being taught for most of his life that he didn’t have a right to want anything, but now he did. He wanted to be better, to be more, at least in Taekwoon’s eyes. The only ones that mattered to him.

------

A/N:Hey there. So, I knew I said I was going to try to update twice more this month, but as you can see I failed. Life got hectic with work and, well, life in general, and I struggled to find time to write even this one chapter. To make up for it, kind of, it's a rather long chapter. At least a little longer than usual. It's also an important chapter, so I didn't want to cut it the middle or make it shorter. It might not be quite apparent why it is important yet, though. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it.

As always, upvotes, subscriptions and comments make my day (also, who recommended this story to all their friends the other day?! Haven't had such a subscription peak in... ever. Whoever you are: I love you <3), and if you feel like supporting the struggling writer of this story with a small tip for a coffee (tea, I don't drink coffee), you can do so here. <3