Okay, so this DID NOT turn out to be a fluffy cotton candy. I sincerely apologize from all of you. 

Because, I repeat, song is not about rainbows. 

if you missed the warning I added in forward and description, I warn you guys again, there are mentions of deaths, and it may be depressing to some.

So yes you are warned.

Word count 2400~

Lu Han heaves deeply, his slender frame trembling slightly, throwing his bloodied red pair of latex gloves to the bin. He turns to wash his hands, automatically falling into the routine of cleaning from digit to digit, scrubbing the skin harshly. It’s in vain, tonight, it’s in vain, no matter how much of an effort he put through every single cell of his body, how much of a concentration he had during every millisecond, how dedicated he was with his precise movements, no matter how much he struggled to secure the feeble breaths, he couldn’t save them. He couldn’t. They gave up, succumbing to the darkness, lifeless and hallow, on the surgical table despite how much he pleaded.

Lu Han doesn’t know how to handle this mayhem of emotions, storming in his head.

Never in his life has he ever felt this drained. He just wants to break down, give up and cry but he knows that he can’t, not when more broken and depressed humans are there, waiting for him to come with good news, clinging to the last hope that their beloved one is saved by the healer’s hands.

Lu Han in a deep breath and wipes his face tiredly.

Pushing the doors open, he steps into the waiting area, morphing his expression to nothingness. He sees the red rimmed eyes, tear stained cheeks, trembling lips, clasped hands, skewed hairs, wrinkled clothes and he sees hope, flickering hope in their whole existence.

Lu Han gazes up, his eyes fixing on a wall ahead all of them.

“We tried our best, but I am so sorry that he couldn’t make it.”

There, he said it. He thinks. But it doesn’t make anything any better. His inside twists in agony when they start to howl in grief, for the one they lost. Lu Han only stares, unable to take a step away from tragedy unwrapping in front of his eyes. He clenches his fists tightly, trying to move his rigid form away from the lamenting souls.

Amidst of the turmoil, someone grabs a fistful of his dark blue scrubs, crumpling the soft fabric harshly, shouting at him. Lu Han’s brain does not register the words but they stab him, painful and burning. He doesn’t know why he still is there, being yelled at for the one thing he tried his best. Lu Han watches the person who raises his hand to slap him, his doe eyes void of sentiment.

“Sunbae!”

Then Lu Han is pulled back and he is secured. He sees his team mates, fellow medical officers breaking into the scene. His colleague Zhang Yixing guides him out of the place, towards the rest room. Lu Han breaks his trance, feeling Yixing’s arm wrapping around his shoulders, gently walking him away. Lu Han sighs and shrugs Yixing’s hand slowly, with a tiny smile on his lips.

“I am okay, Yixing.”

He says. Yixing gives Lu Han a skeptic look. He opens his mouth to say something but Lu Han pats his shoulder.

“It’s been a long day, Yixing, go home. I am going home.”

With that Lu Han leaves Yixing in the middle of the corridor. Yixing shakes his head, a sigh leaving his lips.

Lu Han is welcomed by the bone chilling winds, gushing through the streets. Strangely enough, Lu Han couldn’t feel any difference though he is not that prepared to a windy, snowy night. He trudges along the path, snow crunching under his shoes. Wearily he chins up to meet the sky, dull and dark, stars hidden among the ashen flocks of clouds. Lu Han lets out a shuddering breath, wetness gathering in his eyes. He bites his quavering lower lip.

He just wants to break down and fall. Would it be too much to ask?

His sweat and blood, all is dedicated for saving lives. He does, everyday without a break, he attempts on pulling them from awaiting death. But there are moments, like today, none of them make it, no matter how much he needed them to hold into their lives.

But he does not have the liberty to say no, or to let his tears to fall, or to run away. He is not supposed to that. He can’t be a disappointment. He can’t let down the others who look up to him.

He watches one person’s heart halts its feeble thumping. But then he has to walk into the next person, uncertainty buried within the depths of his heart. He holds the scalpel and his breath, steeling his fingers, banishing his fears to the depths of his soul.

But he does not know how to stop it. He does not know how to meddle with it.

He helplessly watches the life leaving the next person, slowly fading into an ominous shade of black.

Because he is merely a human being, no god, he doesn’t know how to defeat death.

Lu Han shakily breathes in, his air way frizzing with the coldness, shivers running along his spine. He cannot pretend that he is not hurt. He did not want them to die, he wanted to save them. It’s exhausting him, physically and emotionally to see his efforts go in vein. He knows that he can’t save them all but it is still depressing. He knows it is impossible to hope that he will miraculously pull them all back to this world because in reality, it is their fate to leave like that, no matter what he does. He thinks about his life choices. He wanted this, to become a doctor, a surgeon who can cure thousands. He worked for his dream as best as he could, he earned the name of being one of the best. But he did not know that the baggage he would have to carry would be such a burden.

He did not know that it would be this much of suffering. He did not know that he would be under this much a torment.

He doesn’t hate or despise what he is become of today. The bliss he feels whenever he saved a life is worth than billions of dollars. The peace he