Do you want to hear a story of mine?

Just stay around for a bit and be strong for me because I don't think I can be strong enough.

It is now six twenty-four. It has been twenty minutes since I woke up and started my morning routine; a fresh morning shower and making a sandwich for my breakfast accompanied by a cup of green tea. There is not much for me to do this morning unlike months ago - or was it a year already? - where she was still around my living place but it's not like it was that much different either. She used to be the one waking up earlier than me, and I will always find her around my kitchen, cooking various of recipes she found online. I used to be the first tester of her cooking. On special occasions, she will stay in bed because she said she wanted me to look at her face first thing in the morning and she always bring my breakfast to bed even when I told her not to do that.

But yeah, only on special occasions.

"Morning, my cute puppy." She whispered and I instinctively covers my entire face from her sight.

I groaned weakly when she tries to get my hands off my face. "Knock it off. I'm awake, you know."

"Don't cover your face. Your bare face always look the cutest when you just woke up."

"What did I told you about being greasy in the morning?" I peaked through my fingers just to see her smiling so lovingly at me.

The smile was now replaced by a cute pout, "But you know it's hard to hold myself around you."

"Seriously..." I went and gave her a kiss on the cheek and the smile was back again. That looks better than the pout.

"Stay put." She told me, turning around to get the tray on my bedside table. "It's your favourite." She said.

I'm a little bit weak when it comes to food, so I didn't find it in me to be mad at her. "I let it slip this time." I muttered, causing her to chuckle.

"Yes, ma'am. Oh, and,"

I frowned when she started walking to the corner of my room, grabbing something from her bag and went to my side again.

"Happy one year anniversary, Wheein."

Maybe I was missing her presence around me, but isn't every break up always ends up like this?

They said when you break up with someone so dear you will be left with lingering thoughts about them; all those times you've spent with them will haunt you like a nightmare, forcing you to remember every little things they did. I was on that stage right at this moment and yet even though I couldn't erase the image of her, I am still okay. I'm okay, even though the thought of various what ifs still trying to take over inside my head. It's been two months since I selfishly ended everything with her. Two months and I'm missing her like this; if only back then I would try to love her more, if only I opened my heart more; would we be different? If only I swallow my pride and come to her when she's still alone; would we be able to love like before?

I know it was probably too much to ask. The regret of leaving her hits me harder than anything else.

"Am I really okay...?" Maybe I am, maybe I am not; but one thing for sure, everything was as if it was the same.

Why did I end it with her? It was rather unreasonable. We're both doctors and she was assigned to another country, meaning leaving me for god knows how long. We were falling apart with the different schedules here and there even when she's finally back to Korea. We barely see each other but she still contact me very frequently. It was okay for the first month but then a month turned into many months that we can't even spend any anniversary together. I was getting myself comfortable with being alone - meeting new friends; but she was no different. Our relationship doesn't have the spark it used to have. We barely have time for each other, but when we do, we don't use the precious time together too well. On our regular saturday nights, I was always too busy chatting with my friends while she was busy with her new bestfriend - see that was the thing. Sure she changed a bit, but she still told me little things like who she's texting to and who she's been hanging out with recently while I never told her any of those. She will come up with all kinds of possible topic so we can talk; I knew it was her way of fixing whatever broken between us; and I tried to go along with her, but it doesn't feel right.

And that's where I did wrong in our relationship. After a while, she got used to my ignorant self and stopped trying. I did not like it one bit.

It eventually led us into an argument. Things got a lot messier than I thought it would and those words eventually slipped off my tongue. I was naive enough to wait for her to come running back to me, begging me to take her back and asking me for forgiveness like those old arguments we had before. But when I didn't see her at my door the very next day nor receive any chat from her nor find her at the hospital until the end of the day...

I knew things are seriously ending between us.

"Wheein-ah?" A voice called out to me. It turns out to be Yoon Do. "Why are you here? I thought your shift ended a while ago."

"Um, yeah, I was looking for someone. Have you seen Moon Byulyi around?"

"She didn't come today. She skipped work too yesterday. I hope she won't turn this into a habit, I feel bad for those interns under her care."

Just then, I heard a not-so-familiar voice yelling, "Yah, Solar, where are you going now? You just finished a surgery and your shift-"

"Ah, she must be dating someone right now. She keeps leaving early." Yoon Do said.

I was going to comment on it too when we heard another yell from inside the room. "I'm okay, it won't take long. I was just going to check up on her and rush back here!" The door opened and I saw someone, a woman with long brunette hair tied in a bun, walking out of the room - no, she was running. She is Kim Yongsun, a surgeon who owns the hospital. She is also the infamous Byulyi's new bestfriend; the one Byulyi never missed to mention in her stories. I my lips thinking that unnie must be going to Byulyi's place and the next thing I knew I was tailing her car.

My curiosity got me right on the spot when she pulled her car on the sidewalk. Right in front of Byulyi's house because appearently, she was falling sick since yesterday.

I couldn't afford to get out of my car so I only watched her taking care of Byulyi - secretly thanking her habit of sitting nearby the window when she's not feeling so well. I saw Yongsun-unnie tried to ask something to her, probably asking if she have eaten already or not, but Byulyi seemed to ignore her presence. I almost thought about barging inside and scold her for acting so rude; moreover, Yongsun-unnie is older than her. But Yongsun-unnie looked like she could care less about Byulyi's ignorant state and just takes care of her with the love I probably never provided her before.

I always knew Yongsun-unnie have a thing for Byulyi.

"They would make a perfect pair, wouldn't they?" I sighed, looking down at my half eaten sandwich and my untouched green tea on my small coffee table. It has been months since the last time I had mornings like this, I tore my eyes from my breakfast and look around my living place. "It's okay, I will eventually get used to this." I said, raising myself from my seat to get ready for work.

I almost don't want to go to work today. It was getting uncomfortable being around the hospital where people won't stop asking me if I'm okay. They said I don't look well, "What's with the sad face?" they asked - they assumed there must be something going on and they all offered their shoulders for me to cry on if I want; I hate how they treat me like I was so broken-hearted so I pretend to be okay. Without I realize, it was like a habit for me to tell everyone - this includes my bestfriend, Hyejin - that I am okay, even when I'm mostly not.

Hyejin knew me better than to pull my strings; she will only go as far as acting sassy over my unexplainable state.

My day went out well, at least I thought it was. I managed to came across people - patients, interns and co-workers - and keep up the act I'm putting up around them. Hyejin will stay on my side every chance she gets and I'm glad she was willing to keep me company despite me not being completely honest with everything. Today was no different, she told me to not miss my dinner and don't sit and overthinking stuff.

"I can't promise you that."

"At least try to. Don't forget the fact that you are a doctor. If you fall sick then who's going to take care of your patients?" She reasoned, standing in front of me with her white robe and arms crossing in front of her chest.

"I trained those interns not for nothing."

"Don't put all the weights to those poor interns."

"No worries. I won't do that." And with that, I left the hospital building.

Everything was always like this ever since Byulyi and I have different schedules. The routine repeats itself from my mornings to my nights. Waking up early for a total of twelve-hours work at the hospital, then coming back home around eight p.m and I still even pass by the same path to head home - passing by the restaurant we used to stop by when none of us feel like making dinner and it was still open regularly every night. I was again forced to remember pieces of our memories together.

"You did well today." She praised me while patting my head affectionately.

I leaned to her touch, hugging her arm as we walk down the street, heading to my place. I saw the restaurant across the street, the one I always eat at when I run out of ramens or when Byulyi isn't in the mood to cook me anything. It wasn't a luxurious restaurant, just a small low-profile one. They serves one of my favourite foods, the more reason why I often eat there.

"There's a restaurant I always visit just across the street. We should eat there sometime."

"What about now? Think of it as a congratulation gift from me."

"Your treat? Cool." She pulled me closer as we walked faster towards the restaurant.

She doesn't need to ask me about my order, she knows it too well even before we gone out. I smiled when she came back after ordering the food for the two of us and instantly taking a comfortable seat next to me. It was one of her habits plus I like it better when she's close to me.

"So I got two tickets to Paris." She suddenly told me, holding two of the said tickets in her hand while smiling at me.

I blinked twice, looking at her and then at the ticket and then back to her again. I remembered a few days ago she and Yoon Do were betting on something involving Yongsun-unnie. Byulyi was more than sure Yongsun-unnie is single but Yoon Do said otherwise - and that's where they bet on the truth. Mm, so that's why Hyejin asked such thing to Yongsun-unnie out of the blue today.

"You won the bet."

"Didn't I tell you I'll win it for you?"

"Yes, you did." I launch myself at her and she caught me just in time. I was thinking of kissing her but seeing where we are, I held myself. She chuckles when she saw the look on my face. I ignored the teasing smile she's making and asked, "But how are we going to have a trip there? We're busy enough as it is." I let out a desperate sigh.

But she only patted my head gently, saying "I've emptied our schedules. The chief told me that we deserves this short trip."

I bite my lower lip so hard it may be bleeding by now. There is this weight in my chest making it hard for me to breathe normally. I took three deep breaths before I inserted the key into my apartment. I walked inside without forgetting the usual greeting. "I'm home." I said to no one in particular. Maybe I should get a pet to keep me company...or to simply welcome me when I'm back from a long day at the hospital.

I made my way to my living room, grabbing the remote. I the TV and laid down on my couch without changing my clothes. It usually helps me whenever I feel lonely around here to watch whatever shows on the television but why does it feel different now? Why is it so dark?

It's probably me being overly emotional about my recent break up.

I was sure I've moved on from her. From everything.

I let my heart go with the ticking time.

But maybe I didn't realize I was in love with her the whole time that I keep finding myself going back, running back to her - to all of those times I've spent with her being by my side. I may thought I've moved one, but I can never deny that the love I have for her never dies with time, it probably never will.

I was okay...but when the day is about to end.

The pain that I forgot about for a moment suddenly enters into my head again. It was as if I'm going back to square one where everything starts to slip out of my tight grip - or was it me the one letting go of her tight one? - I couldn't tell exactly, but it hurts remembering the time when I decided we should break up. Because she told me she was hurting being with me and I thought it would have been good if I let her go. She'll find her happiness...

"Why are you like this? Stop it, I don't like it."

She sighed, putting away her phone on the table and finally facing me. "You don't like it? What do you want me to do? Telling you about my day while you ignore every single thing I said to you? Have you ever thought how much I don't like it, Wheein? Rather than asking me, why don't you ask yourself?"

"How would I know when you never even told me-"

"Jesus, did I not look that obvious to you? No, maybe if you would even spare to look at me while I'm talking, you would have known how much it hurts me."

I my lips, was she hurting so much being with me?

"If it hurts you then why are you still trying to be with me?"

Is she dumb? Why fighting for something so painful...?

People should be happy with the one they love...not suffer.

"Why are... Wheein, I love you... I really do, that's why I-"

"Then stop loving me."

"Huh...? Wait, what are you saying?"

"Let's break up."

And she found it. Her happiness with someone else... She found her happiness while I lost mine at the same time. I was happy for her, but it still hurts when I remember that night - the last time we talked about...us. She was still single but she's close with someone I know. We had a short conversation, talking about what actually went wrong but it seems like I never got the right answer. I didn't see it coming but I knew I was seriously about to lose her for someone else.

If I knew I would be this miserable without her...I would've told her otherwise.

"Wheein." She reached for my hands, caressing it gently.

I smiled at her, "Don't try to pull off anything greasy at me." I joked and it managed to made her chuckle.

"I'm worried, okay."

"Yes, I can see it all over your face."

"I just wanted you to know... I may be hurting when I'm with you but I love you, Wheein. Everything was always worth it whenever I see you by my side, when you tell me you love me and because I know that, I was willing to stay by your side." She paused for a good five seconds. "But when you told me to stop loving you...then asked for a break up... I was at a lost of words to describe what I'm feeling."

"I know..." No, stop acting like you knew everything, Jung Wheein.

"I never pictured myself without you... But when the real thing happened, it hit me so hard that I fell sick for days. When you didn't visit, I was sure enough you were serious with your words that time, but Yongsun keep telling me to wait for you...but even after I recovered, you never showed up. It wasn't your fault... I...can't find the courage to face you either."

The mention of a third-party person made me frown. It was true Yongsun-unnie is the one who would be willing to look out for her... It never crossed my mind that she will even convince Byulyi about me. All I could say was, "It was no one's fault to begin with. It never felt good seeing you hurting by the changes I made." We fell into a short pause before I said, "By the way, Yongsun-unnie likes you."

"I'm aware of that." She said, smiling. "But she understands when I told her I'm dating you."

"Well, we're no longer together so why not taking your chances?"

"I will, but there's something I want to confirm." She's still holding onto my hands, never missed a beat to caress it gently. I would wish the time would stop, but let's not be too delusional now. "Wheein, this could be the last time I ask you, but are you happy with your decision?"

"Yes." I didn't waste a single minute to think. I knew if I let myself think about it again, I would have said 'no' instead.

She looked surprised with how fast I answered her. "Are you sure?"

"Just make sure you're not hurting again, Byulyi."

The second her hand made contact with my head, I felt like crying. But I won't cry in front of her. Not when I just told her I'm happy with my decision seconds ago. I spat her hand off my head, "Don't make me change my mind, Byulyi." She laughs and poke the dimple on my cheek.

"No one can beat this cuteness though."

"Good thing I am now immune to your greasiness."

"But, I have one last request..."

I rolled my eyes at her, "Spill it."

She moved closer to me, her arms were wrapped around me in a warm embrace. It was natural when my hands found their way around her but even though it was warm and comfortable, it doesn't feel that much relieving like it used to. Maybe it was because I was aware this could be the last time I get to enjoy her embrace. The thought of it starting to hurt me little by little.

"Good bye, Wheein."

I knew I have officially left her heart the moment we pulled back out of each other's embrace. But it was unfair how I couldn't take hers out of my own heart, no matter how hard I try, her name is forever carved in my heart like a permanent tattoo. I left her heart for good that night and even if someone else comes and tries to fill that empty space I left in her heart... I know I'm still not ready to burn all her remains in my own heart.

Because I'm still in love with her.

As long as I still have this regret, nothing will make it better.

Didn't I tell you this is a story about regrets?

The sunlight hurts, this street I walked with you hurts.
The song that passes my ears hurts.
Without knowing, I keep shedding tears as I walk.

My heart hurts, my time with you hurts.
My days without you hurts.
As much as I loved you, it hurts.
Because I keep thinking about you.