Kyungsoo hates it. He hates how he has to pretend that he doesn’t see and that he doesn’t care. He hates the nosy reporters, hates SM Entertainment. But most of all he hates Kim Jongin for being such a ing ray of sunshine, for being so ing beautiful and breathtaking that it makes it almost impossible for Kyungsoo to look away and of course, not looking in the first place, as he was told to do (“Don’t make it obvious, Kyungsoo” “Act like there is nothing going on between you and Jongin”) is on an entirely different level of the impossible-things-to-do chart.


Kyungsoo frowns, eyes narrowing at where Jongin sits with Sehun, the two maknaes laughing over a video they’re watching on Sehun’s handphone, shoulders shaking with mirth. He watches with growing displeasure as Sehun slaps a hand over Jongin’s back and allows it to linger there as they both cackle loudly. Kyungsoo’s jealousy burns, hot and flaring and he tears his gaze away only to meet with Baekhyun’s, who has an eyebrow raised and an impish grin on his lips.


“Keep that glare up and people are going to think that you want our Jonginnie dead instead,” his fellow vocalist teases and Kyungsoo snorts. “Then maybe I would be able to stop this stupid act.” He mutters and Baekhyun’s gaze softens. He shimmies across the two metal chairs separating them and nudges Kyungsoo softly with his elbow. “The rumours will die down soon. And it’s better this way, you know what the consequences are if people find out the truth…” He says and Kyungsoo sighs, closing his eyes. Of course he knew. He also knew what it would mean for EXO and he couldn’t, he wouldn’t put s through that – not after all that they’ve gone through, no. “I know I’m sorry, Baek.” He murmurs quietly, head bowed.


Kyungsoo loves Jongin, this goes without saying. It was a tumultuous fall starting from day one when he first caught a glimpse of the dark haired, heavy gazed beauty dancing away in the practice rooms for trainees. Kyungsoo was captivated, he still is in fact, with the younger’s passion and prowess for dance, the fluid way his limbs flowed, the molten heat in his gaze as he spun and rolled. Understandably of course, he shied away at first, watching from the sidelines and resolutely looking away whenever Jongin happened to look his way or catch him staring, the slightest of pink dusting his cheeks. What else was Kyungsoo supposed to do? Kim Jongin was a force to be reckoned with.


Up until one fateful day when Joonmyun came up to Kyungsoo with a cowering Jongin in tow and introduced them to each other. Jongin had greeted him with such a shy and fearful hello that Kyungsoo, despite himself, felt his gaze turned from (forced) cool indifference to cooing affection (and perhaps just the slightest amount of guilt, Kyungsoo knows he had been staring – or glaring as Jongin later insists, and that his eyesight is far from 20-20) in less than 0.5 seconds. Needless to say, it all went downhill from there.


Kyungsoo loves Jongin and he knows Jongin loves him too, but EXO will always come first. They have dedicated their entire lives to music, poured their souls into the songs that they sing, practiced until their entire body went from sore to numb in order to nail dance routine after dance routine. Becoming an idol and performing on stage in front of millions was a dream that they all slaved for, day and night, for months and years to end. It was a dream that came to reality, and there was nothing, not even love, that would make Kyungsoo give that up. And Jongin – Jongin who works harder than anybody else, Jongin who dances into the early hours of the morning in the practice rooms despite his waist and ankle injuries, Jongin who Kyungsoo has come to love more than anyone else in the world, understands.


See, the thing about being a kpop idol is that their life is never really theirs anymore. They reserve half of themselves to their fans, a third to SM Entertainment, a fifth to the endorsement companies they sign with, a tenth to the public – some of who are just waiting for them to make the slightest of mistakes, just to bring them down crashing to the ground.


Kyungsoo takes pride in being very self-aware. He knows himself, knows what he’s worth. Kyungsoo knows that everything he does has a substantial impact to one thing or other and the fact that he knows being with Jongin could very well end not just both their entire careers but the rest of EXO’s as well makes Kyungsoo all the more determined to not up. (Honestly, if it were anybody else, if it were not Jongin, Kyungsoo wouldn’t even think about chancing it.)


With that thought in mind, Kyungsoo spends the rest of the day resolutely ignoring Jongin, even if every microcell of his being was screaming at him in defiance.

Later that night, Kyungsoo lingers outside the door of their shared room, almost hesitant. He wasn’t oblivious to the sad looks and pouts being thrown his way throughout the day and belatedly, Kyungsoo worries that he might have taken his act too far. Would Jongin think it was real? That he was losing interest?


He’s broken out of his reverie when the door creaks open and Chanyeol walks out, raising an eyebrow at the sight of him hovering. “I’m gonna watch a movie in the living room with Baek,” He informs, giving him a meaningful look and a soft pat on the shoulder. Kyungsoo nods in response, unconsciously biting on his lower lip.


Taking in a deep breath, Kyungsoo steps into the room, closing the door silently behind him. Jongin is sitting at the edge of his bed and he looks up as soon as Kyungsoo enters, gaze intense. They stare at each other for a brief moment of tensed silence before Jongin’s lower lip escapes and juts itself out in a pout. “Kyungsoo hyung,” he borderline whines and Kyungsoo’s lips split apart to release a soft (relieved) chuckle.


“Hi you big baby.” He murmurs, making his way across the room to stand in between the younger’s legs. It’s automatic, the way Jongin’s arms lift to slip themselves around his waist – much in the same manner that Kyungsoo reaches up with his hands to rub the back of Jongin’s neck fondly when the dancer buries his face in the front of Kyungsoo’s shirt.


“Hyung, I missed you.” Jongin mumbles into the soft cotton clothing Kyungsoo’s tummy. He feels something catch in his throat – a slow, burning ache in his chest. With a heavy heart, Kyungsoo leans down to grace a kiss to Jongin’s head. “I missed you too, Jongin-ah.” He whispers quietly in reply, pulling the younger to him just that little bit tighter.


If anyone had asked him, seven years ago, what he had hoped for in love, this would be the last thing he could ever have imagined. Do Kyungsoo, bug-eyed and far too small framed, traces of youth still prominent in his then, full cheeks – with Kim Jongin, tall and dashing, bronze tinted skin glinting in the dim lights of practice rooms on quiet nights.


Kyungsoo had thought they were worlds apart. Jongin was the role model of every SM trainee – more often than not being made an example of. Kyungsoo expected Jongin to be closed off, maybe snobbish even – he had every right to be, Kyungsoo thought – but with each passing day of his trainee years, Kyungsoo realized Jongin was everything but. And with each passing day as well did his admiration for the younger grow, and grow, and grow.


(Until one day admiration stopped being admiration and became something decidedly more – Kyungsoo remembers his heart beating against the cavity of his chest, the drumming so intensely loud he could barely hear anything else. It was an ordinary Pororo movie night, just two of them snuggled in Kyungsoo’s single bed when Jongin had pulled him close – hand gentle against Kyungsoo’s cheek, a quiet and hesitant but determined whisper of “Hyung, I like you” before lips were pressed softly to his. Oh, Kyungsoo had thought. Oh.)


Kyungsoo finds it really exhausting – all this pretending. He wants to tell the world that he loves Jongin, wants to slip his hands around Jongin’s waist without having to worry about overanalytical fans and sneaky reporters out for blood – he wants to intertwine his fingers with Jongin’s, brush his thumb softly over the back of Jongin’s hand where the little ridge is, between the younger’s index finger and thumb.


You can’t. No, you won’t. The voice of reason echoes in his mind and Kyungsoo swallows thickly. It’s right, of course. Kyungsoo would never. But despite it all, it’s not too bad, Kyungsoo thinks with a soft smile as he buries his nose into Jongin’s hair. He has Jongin here with him, both of them living their dreams and sharing moments – even if they can only do so in hidden spaces, away from ever prying eyes.


No, it’s really not so bad, Kyungsoo affirms, chuckling lightly when he hears a light snore from Jongin – who has somehow, miraculously fallen asleep while sitting, his weight resting against Kyungsoo’s stomach.




A/N: Inspired by recent events. This a mess, I'm sorry ㅠㅠ