I'm thinking hard all day because of you

But I still don't know what to do with you

Melancholy and darkness loomed over the grey skies as Jihoon peeked outside the glass windows. He caught a glimpse of raindrops cascading down the skylight. Even the sky was crying, Jihoon heaved a sigh. The room was slightly dim with only golden antique chandeliers illuminating the small venue. The sound of the rain hitting the roof, the women’s muffled sobs, people’s shaky breaths, and a man's booming voice on the speakers were the only things filling up his ears. He glanced around, his friends beside him, his family at the leftmost corner, and some people he didn't know. The priest called for his name, he slightly shivered.

He slowly stood up, shutting his eyes as the metal chair scraped across the floor, and opening them once again as he sauntered forward. He earned a pat on the back as he passed by his friends.

"It's going to be okay." Seokmin smiled. Jihoon had always cherished Seokmin's smile. It was so full and bright, sunny even. It was infectious, so genuine but today, it was nothing like that. He replied him with a nod and continued walking up to the front.

With careful steps, Jihoon walked towards the podium. He looked at the audience and down to the crumpled paper on his palm. He reached below for his handkerchief on the right pocket of his crisp black American suit and held it tightly in his clammy hands.

Jihoon let out a loud sigh, audible enough that it reached the microphone.

"Soonyoung and I first met at the beach in Busan. He was there with his family for a vacation, I think. He was a fat, dark skinned kid who kept on asking me to build sand castles with him." Jihoon slightly chuckled at the memory.

“Hi.” Jihoon looked up. He saw this kid smiling at him, probably the same age as him, he was bigger in size, definitely someone whom Jihoon wants to bully. Jihoon decided to ignore the fat kid and continued on throwing a handful of sand at random people.

“Do you want to build sand castles?” The kid chirped, his voice was high pitched and Jihoon scooped up the pile of sand nearest to his reach and threw them at the kid’s feet. He looked up but almost stumbled back when the kid gave him the largest grin he has ever seen.

“You’re so cute.” The kid complimented and Jihoon felt insulted.

“Go away!” Jihoon shouted at the stranger and went back to throwing sand. He saw the kid’s feet turn around and then leave. He heaved a sigh of relief.

Jihoon was busy enjoying the screams of terror from his victims when he felt a light tap on his shoulder. He was ready to growl at the person but he saw the fat kid again.

“What are you smiling at?” Jihoon spat. He was getting annoyed by all of his smiling. But in reality, Jihoon felt himself get infected with it as he found his own mouth quirking upwards. 

“My dad bought one for you!” The kid offered. Jihoon squinted his eyes, reluctant to take the popsicle in the fatty’s hand. 

His mom had always reminded him to never take food from a stranger. Jihoon looked at the kid as the he kept on his own popsicle, while the one on the kid’s left hand was already dripping from the heat. “Well, I’m sorry mom.” Jihoon thought to himself as he took the popsicle.

“What’s your name?” The fat kid asked Jihoon as they started building the castle.

“Jihoon.”

“I’m Soonyoungie.” He chuckled and Jihoon found himself laughing along.

"I honestly didn't think I'd enjoy being with the gullible kid that he was. He was always fascinated whenever a crab passed us by, always got distracted when the waves crashed on the shore. I had so much fun that we both didn't realize the sun was already setting. His sister came to us and told him that they were leaving soon and for the first time I saw Soonyoung's smile falter. I stood up and helped him up too then he held my right hand in between his fat ones. "We'll get to meet each other soon, hoonie. Trust me." He flashed me his signature smile and I found myself nodding along. We were ten years old at that time and I already trusted that idiot." Jihoon smiled as he reminisced of the said memory.

Your eyes take my breath away and confuse me

It makes my rational senses scatter away

"Three years after that, we coincidentally met again, at the beach. If you all wondered how we still knew each other, his eyes are still the smallest pair I have ever seen. Kidding." Jihoon chuckled. Soonyoung's eyes had always been mesmerizing and magnetizing. He always found himself getting lost in them. It was a weird habit but he wasn’t gonna let that one go.

"He kept on bugging me, following me everywhere in the beach, because I pretended that I didn't know him. He kept on introducing himself. That his name was Kwon Soonyoung that I was Jihoon, his “Hoonie”, and I, of course, ignored all of his antics." The audience laughed and Jihoon smiled but it didn't reach his eyes.

"There must have been really something on me that he kept on asking me to be friends with him. Maybe I'm just that good looking." The audience let out a few smiles but this time, Jihoon didn't chuckle.

"Even if I showed him that I didn't want to play with him, he continued talking to me. Whenever I pushed him away, he always replied with a smile. He never gave up." He paused.

"But now h-he's... gone." Jihoon whispered inaudibly, his eyes passively staring at the framed picture below the stage.

Senior year, high school, a blonde transferee suddenly came barging in to his classroom. His body was lean, his eyes were squinty, but his smile felt oddly familiar. "Ah, I've found you." He smiled as he dashed through the chairs towards the pink haired guy. And in a flash they looked at each other. Things changed of course, his hair now blonde, he grew considering the fact that it has been six years since they last saw each other. And there he was standing in front of him and his smile, that heart wrenching smile, was all Jihoon could think about.

"Soonyoung and I hit it off pretty badly in high school. I hated him with conviction. I hated how smiley he was. I hated how he could make everybody laugh. I hated his entire being… But that's the Soonyoung we’ve all grown to love, right?" He looked up and the audience agreed. He lifted his handkerchief to wipe the tears that were trying to slip out of his ducts and continued on.

"Apparently, Soonyoung loved annoying the life out of me. He always followed me everywhere and by everywhere, I mean everywhere. Be it in the classroom, the park, and the gym. He even joined the choir club I was in, even in the dance troupe. He’d sit at my table during lunch time. Even when I was studying at the library, he was there.” Jihoon huffed.

“One day, I was on my way home with him trudging close by. Maybe it was because of the gloomy weather or because of the low marks I got on calculus that I confronted him - more like yelled, but you get my point. I aggressively asked him to off and go get a life and you all can guess what he did next." Jihoon passively stared at the mic as he smiled sadly. He blinked his eyes and looked up to see Soonyoung's mom smiling at him and he reciprocated it.

"He showed me that cringe worthy, toothy grin he always had and said these words to me, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Every single day, he walked me home, even when I was absent, he still walked my path which was the absolute opposite of his. I don't know if he's an idiot or if he just really wants to be my friend, but either way, I found myself getting comfortable around him.” Jihoon smiled and this time it was sincere.

“Hi, Lee Jihoon. Let's walk home?”

“Lee Jihoon! Wait up!”

“Lee Jihoon? Let's pass by the pizza place.”

“Lee Jihoon? Let's go home!”

“Lee Jihoon? Let's start our journey to your house!”

“Lee Jihoon? Let's race towards your home.”

“Lee Jihoon? Let's go!”

“YAH! KWON SOONYOUNG? Where were you yesterday?!”

“Ah, I'm sorry, I woke up late so I didn't go to school.”

“O-oh, okay.”

“Lee Jihoon?”

“Thank you for worrying. Let's go home?”

I’ve dreamt of a romantic movie

But your love always makes my palms sweaty.

“I remember it was our first year in college that I started acting strange towards him. I started to notice little things about him. Little things like how his eyes go missing whenever he smiles, how his lips pout whenever he doesn't get what he wants, how he lifts up his cap and messes with his hair and puts it back on whenever he felt nervous, how he had this own world whenever he was making a choreography. I, personally, didn't think he'd get that serious but he does and that's what made me adore him more.”

“Soonyoung?”

“Soonyoung?”

“Soonyoung!” Jihoon yelled, successfully catching the other’s attention.

Soonyoung whipped his head up, meeting his best friend’s gaze.

“Are you still mad at me?” Jihoon whispered worriedly, flipping his notes rapidly, trying to ease the tension. They were studying, at least Jihoon was, in the library. Their final exams just around the corner.

“What? Jihoon, I already forgot about that.” Soonyoung chuckled as he ruffled Jihoon's lavender hair. Jihoon would lie if he hadn't slept properly for days because of that single mistake they had done. Exactly a week from today, Lee Jihoon kissed Kwon Soonyoung. Yes, they kissed, they locked lips inside their friend’s closet with the loud music blaring outside, breaths of alcohol, teeth clashing because of little to no practice, their tongues fighting for dominance. Jihoon would lie if he said he regretted it but that's what he reasoned with his friend. (I regretted it, we were drunk, hormones were off the roof, it's never going to happen again, and I didn't like it! Not even a single bit.)

“What's gotten you into serious mode? You're not even like this in our Psychology class and that's your worst subject.”

“Excuse me? I excel in that class, the teacher just doesn't notice my potential.” Soonyoung exaggeratedly replied which made Jihoon scoff but that playful side dissipated as fast as it appeared.

“Jihoon? I have something to ask.”

“Yeah? Sure, what is it?” Jihoon worriedly asked.

“Do you, perhaps, like guys?” Jihoon felt like he had gulped one liter of saliva as soon as he heard Soonyoung spout the question.

“Wh-what?”

“I mean, I think that I like guys, I think. I’m not sure yet. How would you feel if I said I was biual?” Jihoon let out a sigh of relief, partly because of Soonyoung not knowing he was in love with him and partly because his best friend was into guys, which made his nonexistent chances look good.

“Soonyoung, whoever, whatever it is that you love, I'm sure that it’ll be the most beautiful thing out there. Love has no gender.”

“Jihoon, you're making me cry.” Soonyoung leaned forward and engulfed Jihoon in a tight hug.

“Ew, dude, you're so gay.” Jihoon complained.

“But I am gay!”

“Soonyoung started dating the guy who worked at the pizza place in front of our uni. He was a good guy, well at least to Soonyoung. He made Soonyoung laugh and that was okay. But when Soonyoung started cutting classes, started partying and going home late, I knew this wasn't the type of relationship he should be in.” Jihoon looked around the venue to search for the said guy and just as he suspected, he wasn't there.

“Soonyoung? We need to talk.” Jihoon barged in to his friend’s room. It was 11:00 in the evening, the corridors long deserted, the only thing Jihoon could hear were his palpitations.

“Oh, hey!” Soonyoung straddled off his boyfriend’s lap. They were making out, of course.

“What do you need to talk about?” The guy asked.

“None of your business.” Jihoon spat.

“Yeah?” The guy smirked and stood up to walk towards Jihoon who was by the door. He was bigger than him, taller even, with a muscular build.

“Hey, let me just talk with Jihoon. It will only take 5 minutes.” Soonyoung smiled trying to ease the tension around the two guys who mattered to him the most.

“Soonyoung, let's talk outside.” Jihoon sighed and walked towards the exit.

“Oh, I get it.” The guy laughed, Jihoon stopped walking.

“You have a huge crush on Soonyoung.” The guy clapped his hands as if it was the best thing he's ever said.