NOTE: Written Circa 2013.

The Trials of Separation

Yesung was grumpy.

 It was to be expected though.

Was there any possible emotion that he could be feeling in that moment, sitting alone in his room staring at the pictures from the Super Show in South America, a show that he would have given an arm and a leg to attend? He was so excited about it before that the every thought of it either makes him embarrassed or regretful and frankly he rather not feel either, just wanting to forget it all.

A stupid technicality had broken his dream, but he supposed that was just his fate and he had to live it.

He had to get accustomed to the feeling of lost that had settled in his stomach at the idea of it all. It was unflinchingly unfair and downright mean, having worked so hard to get there and being deprived, but he supposed it was no one's fault, so why feel anger or distaste.

One couldn't fight the inevitable and the more bitterness and loss that he fostered the harder time it would be to endure it all. He had only ten days or so, though at this point it didn't even matter, since he was alone as it was. He had ten days to fix his mind, to accept that he would be feeling that way for two long years. Heechul said it got easier, but right now he didn't feel that way. All he could feel was sadness and regret and this urge to ask the universe why it had taken something so precious from him.

He knew it was pointless to whine and that he was being irrational, but feelings were rarely ever rational to begin with, wondering why he was torturing himself with the pictures, only remembering why he did it anyway, smiling despite himself when he saw the happy smiles of his dongsaengs. Even if he couldn't share the dream with them, he was glad that the Super Junior name was being carried so proudly by his dongsaengs. Leeteuk and Heechul and himself, could be happy with that fact. As bitter as it all was, at least their hard work was not wasted. All the tears they shed, the sweat and blood that they put into making Super Junior something to great. Even if they weren't there, they could be happy that their legacy could live on, that their hard work had protected something special to them all. Sooner or later he would return and by then it would be a happier time, or so he hoped.

Rationally he was knew he was ready. This moment was coming since he was old enough to understand what mandatory enlistment meant. It was something that he had expected since he had turned nineteen. He sometimes wondered if he had left it too late, but then he would remember Kyuhyun.

Everything had its time and place and everything had its reason.

Maybe that was why he had decided not to follow through with that threat when he was trainee. It was so hard then and every day he felt as if he was wasting his time and suffering himself for no reason. It was so hard them for him, so much doubt and pain, each day feeling like a weight to his heart. On that bus when he decided to enlist something stopped him, something that changed his life.

Since then he had so many life changing moments, so many instances that he had to decided that maybe the fates had a hand in the world after all. One particular thing a clear indicator of that of course, a small smiles flickering across his face at the thought, only to be overshadowed by the conclusion that he a come to, the plans that were formed in his mind, his heart lurching in pain already, really not wanting to think about any of that for as long as he could, at least not unlike he had to deal with it face to face which would actually be in a few short days.

He wasn't ready for that either but he was a man after all and he had a responsibility.

 It would break his heart but he had to do it. There was no other way. He could only hope that he didn't hate him or maybe that was the best thing to happen. That would make it easier for him. He really didn't want to think about that though. Right then he wanted to enjoy the warmth in his heart and the stupid feeling in his gut whenever his mind flashed to memories of the brat, the happiness that soared in his heart and the feeling of contentment that he would never forget took root.

Yesung had come to accept fate in its intricacies.

He couldn't claim to be a firm believer, but sometimes, some things were just too hard to deny. Fate was now just one of those things. His life has had so many changes, and strange turns that he could only figure that some deny being was in the heavens pulling the strings, guiding him to their fancy.

Sometimes it was beautiful, sometimes it was exceptional and other times it was just downright painful.

When he had read that enlistment letter he knew it was one of those times when fate would be bitter in his mouth. When he looked across the way at the sad look in Kyuhyun's eyes he knew that fate was cruel. When SM had contacted the Army Office and had been told that he had been barred from leaving the country on the cusp of SS5 South America he could only conclude that fate was cruel.

It was his to deal with though and finally it was his time to deal with it. To be fair to Fate, it had blessed him with alot of happiness and memories that he would cherish for the rest of his life, so he could accept that sometimes things wouldn't go his way and now was just one of those times. If he had left earlier he probably wouldn't be where he was today and if he left later, who knew how much painful such an action would be.

Each day longer and he got too attached to everything around it and it would only get harder.

 It was better in a way he supposed, but some residual sadness would never leave him. Heechul said it got easier but he didn't say it got ‘easy’. Even then he still missed the feel of being on stage and being with their fans. It would be hard time for him.

Originally he thought he could do it, but now having been forced to stay back for the concert in South America, he finally realized just how hard it was to sit at home and watch pictures of an event that he would kill to attend. He supposed Leeteuk would feel the same way and Heechul too, but he felt particularly wronged with regards to South America, especially since technically he had not enlisted as yet.

He was sort of grateful for Public Service, aware that it would mean that he could see his family more and maybe spend some time with the members like Heechul was able to, but now he finds it sort of bitter. At least Leeteuk was completely away. To be so close and still forced to be so far away was nearly unbearable. It was too hard to just sit there and just look and pictures and hear his lines sung by someone else. Of course it came from necessity and they did a great job but it didn't make it any easier. He had to spend the time therefore trying to settle his mind and find a way to ease his burdened heart.

The decisions he had made in the last few weeks have been hard and now weighed on his mind greatly.

It was going to be a big change and he didn't know if he was really able to face it. One thing he was certain of however was that he wanted to do his best. Even if it now felt like some sort of punishment from the fates, he had great respect for the Korean Army and despite being assigned to Public Service he was intent on doing it the right way. He would make his family and his fans proud, determined to work hard and do his best. It would be different and strange and sort of sad to be frank, but it was something that he had to do and do well. Whatever it was he wanted to show a good image and an even better attitude.

So far it had been hard but Heechul said that it would be easier after basic training, since then his mind would adjust to the change. The only bad part was the fact that basic training was nearly hell on earth for people like that, simply stripped away of all pretences and left with your mind.  He figured it would be a life changing experience, but in some strange way he was excited. They said the army made a man out of you and in some ways he wanted to be there and experience that, to see what he was really made off.

He kept that desire to himself though, aware that he would be much too saddened during that time to properly embrace it. He would be far away from Kyuhyun then, no contract, no interaction, no warmth. Even after he did what was necessary, it was still had to know that he wouldn't see Kyuhyun at all during that time. He knew that after he was assigned that he would have limited time with Kyuhyun and after his plans were fulfilled, he was likely to have next to no time with Kyuhyun, but at least he would be around to know and see and hear if anything hurt him at all.

At basic training he didn't have the luxury.

 It would be four long weeks being completely away from Kyuhyun and that was something that he was not looking forward to. He thought that was probably the hardest part about the whole thing, just being away from Kyuhyun in that time. Even if he couldn't be with Kyuhyun, he could still 'hear' about him.  At basic training, he was afford no such luxury. How was he supposed to get through such a time? It would be too hard but at least he hoped that Kyuhyun would be alright. From the pictures he had seem and the fact that the younger man had not bothered to message him regularly, he figured that Kyuhyun was adjusted to his absence already and was fine. He was glad for that fact at least, hoping that he also learned how to not to miss Kyuhyun.

With that thought poking his head and his mood changing ever so often, he finally got the strength to shut his laptop and stop looking at the pictures that provoked that sort of feeling. He was happy for it but he supposed he had tortured himself more than enough already and was better advised to abandon the self torture and set his mind at ease, his heart wishing to be with them, his mind informing him that it wasn't possibly, only capable of a sigh, leaning his head back trying to sort out his thoughts, feeling even more melancholy, shifting over to his bed, the flowery sheets making him smile a little before he feel back against his mattress, head flat against his pillow, just trying to find some sort of peace, closing his eyes as he tried his hardest to clear his mind of all his thoughts, no easy feat at all, sighing once more as he thought of the things he had to face, as he thought of Kyuhyun, of his fans, his future, the sort of changes that he would have to make. It was all so scary and frustrating and so damn difficult that he wanted to bang his head against the wall, sighing repeatedly.

He was only pulled from his thoughts when he heard his phone ring, and the realized that he had no idea where he left it. He hoped it was on the bed though, since he was not in the mood to get off his bed, so it would just have had to remain unanswered. He knew that laziness was bad but he was slightly depressed. He should be given concessions for his difficult situation he thought, though he was glad that it was actually on the bed feeling the vibrations on the mattress, feeling around until he found it, smiling lazily when he did, it was only after seven in the morning anyway. He had the right to be so lazy, dragging it to his ear and saying hello.

"Missing me yet?" Kyuhyun asked easily, voice low and cheerful or at least that was what he was going for, though he thought it seemed as if he was trying too hard and in a way he most certainly was.

He actually had to think about what he was supposed to say when he called and had hoped he would be mature enough to speak to the man that he missed in a serious profound manner, instead of reverting back to his cheekiness.

Clearly that had failed but it really was just from his own nervousness rather than some over engorged ego that he was trying to fuel. He hated how awkward he was all of a sudden, making a fool of himself with his distracted thoughts and then his inability to say something that he meant, wanting to kick himself when he realized that he had just started with the impression that he was just trying to make the older man bend to his will. He didn't mean it like that of course, just not sure what to say or than " I miss you so much I think it hurts". He was not willing to sink to such desperation, just wanting to speak to Yesung and hopefully make himself feel better.

"Not that unfortunate yet thankfully" Yesung rejoined, bantering with Kyuhyun on instinct, somehow feeling his heart thumping in his chest with just the sound of his voice, feeling both happy and saddened at the same time.

He was desperate to hear Kyuhyun's voice, but at the same time he was not sure if that was very good idea. The plans he had where specific, but he supposed at that point in time he was selfish enough to just want to take all of Kyuhyun, well....his voice anyway, aware that Kyuhyun still had three days in South America and he wouldn't be able to see him that well for very long after. He thought it was okay to be selfish, just for a little while at least. That selfishness however did not include fuelling Kyuhyun's ego anymore, sure the child would be too big headed to function before long. Really? What sort of question was that? Child was much too cocky for his own good.

"You don't miss me?" Kyuhyun questioned but it came out more like a whine, the childish disbelief making itself very apparent through his words, Kyuhyun supposing that Yesung was just messing with him but then he really wanted to hear the older man say he missed him.

 It was a stupid want of course, wondering if saying things like that was painful to Yesung, who he knew was very disappointed about the concert and everything about it. He supposed it was hard not to be. Admitting that he missed him would have been hard for him to endure but even so, Kyuhyun really wanted to hear the words, to know that he was in the older man's heart just as Yesung was in his thoughts. He really needed to be less selfish and think of Yesung more, but he still rather wanted to know that the older man missed him.

"Should I?" Yesung teased, just feeling the need to torture Kyuhyun a little bit. He supposed he was just being petty but Kyuhyun sometimes looked for it. He was sure Kyuhyun knew he missed him and having to admit it would just be a blow to his pride in that minute. Kyuhyun was a brat he decided, not finding as much joy as he thought he would in the teasing.

"I missed you though" Kyuhyun spoke after an awkward pause that Yesung couldn't understand, having just released a tired sigh after his last comment, wondering what on earth he and Kyuhyun were doing then.

 He felt everything and nothingness all at the same time, a weakness surrounding him, stunned into genuine silence when he heard the words that Kyuhyun had uttered. Kyuhyun's voice low and sincere, not carrying an ounce of his usual snarkiness or teasing content, not mocking or playful, just tired and pained, painted in pure sincerity, breathes out with a sigh that has Yesung's heart weak, not having the strength to respond to that. Kyuhyun was always genuine, but he was rarely serious when he spoke to him.

The younger man, despite what Yesung liked to claim, was rarely ever cheesy or greasy or even 'nice' so to say.

His words then weren't cheesy or greasy or anything of the sort, just heartfelt and certain, a sigh escaping his lips as Yesung tried to find his senses and some sort of way to respond to the younger. The silence hung between, not nearly as stifling as it should have been, just there, allowing them to find their way, Kyuhyun making a huffing sound, but Yesung knew he was not speaking to him really, just the rustling of his clothes, Yesung flat on his bed, heart in his mouth and his mind betraying him, wanting to say anything, hoping it would be something sensible.

"Kyuhyun ah" Yesung eventually sputtered out, wanting to kick himself rather violently, since that was a rather unintelligent and certainly not what Kyuhyun deserved to hear.

For Kyuhyun to say something like that to him the younger man had to have been upset or just downright tired. Kyuhyun had alot of pride and it was hard for him to be that frank without hiding behind his teasing. It was no pretence or shield, just a painful confession, something that stuck Yesung into his soul, wondering forever what brought it about, happy it existed, sad that it had a reason to exist, conflicted as to what it could all mean, what it had done to Kyuhyun and himself, desperate to find something to say, but all his words escaping him, listening to Kyuhyun's silent breathing on the phone. Not the creepy sort, just the silence of when one was too lost to continue. He didn't blame Kyuhyun. He had no idea what he was suppose to say then, either, but vaguely away that they just couldn't sit there without speaking, not sure what to say, but supposed he knew all too well.

"I love you" soft and easy, slightly above a whisper, shy but certain, insistent but timid, a blushing cheek and a thumping heart, something that should have been said countless times before but infinitely rare.

Yesung taking a breath after the words left his lips, shyness attacking him but regret not even being conceived. Kyuhyun needed to hear it and he needed to say it. As cheesy as it was and his basic need to avoid things like that, finding the words difficult to say, it was a reflection of his sincere feelings and Kyuhyun deserved to know that he was loved, that he was cherished and missed.

He had no idea what they were supposed to be talking about or if it was the right thing to say, but he felt satisfied. He was shy of course, a hand lifting to pat his red cheek, a portion of guilt clawing at his insides, the knowledge of the coming days making him feel sick to his stomach, but in that moment he just wanted to be a man that loved Kyuhyun.

He knew for certain that was true and then and everyday thereafter it would be so.

At least Kyuhyun had to know that much. Whether it would help their situation then he was not sure, but at least somewhere inside he felt better, a warmth spreading through him, finally overpowering that feeling of loss and longing, replacing it with the happiness of an unyielding sentiment.

"I know" Kyuhyun chuckled lightly, breathing into the phone.

Kyuhyun’s heart steady in his chest, the soft butterflies in his stomach doing some crazy dance that mimicked their master's own crazy dancing, feeling the tingles along his skin from just the words alone, not teasing really, just acknowledging the happiness that Yesung had given him in that moment.

Of course it was no news to him that Yesung loved him, but hearing it was rare and always led to a happy feeling within him, smiling for a minute, just appreciating the words spoken, even if it heart was still heavy, sighing once more, wishing so very much to be beside the person he loved, to kiss him senseless and tracing the words in response along his skin, to really and truly just stand next to him. He couldn't do that though. Sigh.

"It's not supposed to be this hard Hyung" Kyuhyun admitted.

The smile falling his face when he realized that Yesung's voice was all he would be hearing, and even worse, his time was already limited as it was, the idea of that separation he had avoided at all cost was a pressing reality, days left to be next to the person that he loved and instead he was sitting in an airport lounge waiting for a flight that would take him further away from him.

It was one of the hardest week of his life and he wasn't even talking about the break neck schedule and the endless jetlag or muscle cramps that came from the constant dancing or the stress of having to replace Yesung and lead a vocal line. None of that even phased him, but the fact that he was away from the man he loved at a time like that was just too much to bear. Sometimes he really hated being an idol and despised the fates, and it just so happened that was one of those very precise moments when he felt exactly like that. He hated the heavens and the stars for lining their path that way, the pain of separation being too much for him to bear, stuck worrying if Yesung was alright, if he was lonely, if he was getting by, if he was saying goodbye to friends.

 Those were the things that he should have been there to help him with.

Instead he was on the other side of the world, sprawled on a couch, holding on his phone as if his life depended on it, hating the world and for once in his life, truly afraid of his future. Yesung had promised him that it would be okay, that he would be okay, but he couldn't go a week without feeling as if someone was trying to stomp on him, how was he supposed to survive an entire month, just left to worry if Yesung was alright?

It was too hard.

It really wasn't supposed to be this hard! He was supposed to be with him, to be happy, to share his life with him, and none of that was happening and it was just so goddamn hard, he didn't know what to do.

"It was never going to be easy Kyuhyun ah. You knew it wasn't" Yesung spoke after a breath and a thought, wanting so bad to reassure Kyuhyun that it was alright and they would be happy in spite of it all, but he couldn't.

 He refused to lie to Kyuhyun.

Even if he sold his arms and legs there was nothing that he could do to make it easier for Kyuhyun or himself and at that point, fooling himself was a waste of time. It was hard and it was just going to get harder. He truly wished that Kyuhyun would suffer less though, promising that he would do whatever it took to get that outcome, even if it destroyed him in the process.

"Yah! You idiot! That was where you were supposed to reassure me and things like that" Kyuhyun complained rather cutely, Yesung supposing it was the younger's way of dealing with his words.

Kyuhyun reverting to his teasing nature when things that he didn't like occurred, though he couldn't hide the bitterness in hic chuckle, his face falling when the fake amusement died, Yesung sighing on the other end of the phone, wanting so bad to do something to make Kyuhyun feel better, to make himself feel better.

What could he say though? What assurances could he give? He was drowning in sadness and loneliness and he missed Kyuhyun so much that it scared him. How could he really allow himself to love someone so much?

What hope did he have of surviving that month if a week as too hard for him to bear and that was with messages from time to time? He was scared and nervous but in that moment he was Kyuhyun's hyung and the person that was meant to protect him and no matter what, that was what he was going to do.

"It's hard Kyuhyun ah, but we will get through it. It has never been easy and yet here we are. It will pass just like everything else" Yesung tried to encourage, not really believing his words but forcing himself to utter them with as much conviction as he could muster.

All that was important now was for Kyuhyun to believe him, for the younger man to think it was better and not feel tired and frustrated, forcing firmness into his voice, uttering it in such a way that he nearly believed it himself.

"You have certainly never made it easy for me" Kyuhyun teased, this time more genuinely than before, sighing as he leaned back on the chair, the phone still cradled in his hand as if it was an extension of himself, so freaking far but at least Yesung's voice was in his ear.

He knew Yesung didn't entirely believe his words but Kyuhyun figured he could believe it enough for the two of them. In some ways the older man was right. They had never had an easy time and could expect an even harder life in the time to come, yet that had never deterred Kyuhyun. As Yesung said, it had all passed in turn. Each time he had to leave him or miss him or change his habits he thought it was hard then, but always had that stubborn will to never let go of his happiness.

Nothing would keep him from Yesung.

No matter how hard it seemed, it was only for a short while. He would be with him as soon as humanly possible and some way or the other they would find a way to work it out. Since the day he had realized that he loved the insane beautiful, frustrating fool, nothing had ever been easy for him but he wouldn't trade it for the world. Even if Yesung didn't believe it wholeheartedly, he was going to. He was always the one that led them away from things like that, and despite the inherent weakness in Yesung's delivery, Kyuhyun truly wanted to believe in his words and that was exactly what he was going to do.

"I haven't, have I?" Yesung commented with a bitter chuckle, thinking Kyuhyun was on point, aware that the younger man was hoping to tease but seeing the factual content of the words before his eyes.

Kyuhyun, whether he meant it or not was right.

He had never really made life easy for the younger man, always making him suffer with his fails and endless insecurities. Kyuhyun certainly deserved better than he could ever offer and as bitter as it was, it was the fuel to that fire, that believe that he had made the right decision no matter how hard it was to come to that conclusion. He only hoped Kyuhyun could forgive him for breaking his promise and understand that he was doing it for him, doing it so that he would have a better, easier future, without suffering and loss, without secrets and scorn.

"Don't you dare do that Yesung hyung or you will be sorry" Kyuhyun fumed lowly, his voice frightening through the phone, making Yesung gulp and a small shiver run down his spine and it wasn't the good type.

Yesung was a hard man to intimidate but somehow or the other Kyuhyun seemed to have that power, Yesung feeling small and slightly afraid as Kyuhyun heaved into the phone, glad for the first time in the exchange that Kyuhyun was not beside him, positive that the younger man would be far from pleasant, his temper not as bad as Yesung's but that wasn't saying much, Kyuhyun being fairly ill tempered himself, Yesung feeling chastised instantly, his certainty shaken the core, aware as to what Kyuhyun meant, the younger seemingly calming himself before he continued, Yesung never intending to interrupt him anyway, sure that he had lost his voice for a second.

"As goddamn frustrating as you always seem intent  on being, I would do it again in a heartbeat and don't you even dare think otherwise" Kyuhyun spoke low and certain, his blood boiling in his veining, wanting to reach other and smack Yesung into the next year, the older man having no right to take his good natured tease and turn it into something it most certainly was not.

Right then they were apart for too long and stressed and tired and just so freaking afraid of everything that everything was messing with their minds. He missed Yesung so much he felt sick sometimes. Standing on stage and smiling for their fans, wishing that he could see Yesung's smile instead, singing his lines and wishing to hear his voice, hugging the others and wanting it so bad to be Yesung, sightseeing and wondering every second what Yesung would have thought of this, would be have liked the taste of this, would he have wanted a picture here or be awed by this or insist that this soccer team was better.

So many times he had to swallow that feeling and try and get on with it, that he was certain that he was on edge and with Yesung's disappointment and loneliness he was sure they were just reacting out of hurt feelings and frustration. He didn't hold it against Yesung really, but he was not going to tolerate any suggestion that he regretted their relationship or that Yesung was anything less than perfect for him.

 As annoying as the bastard was, he wanted to be with him always and their period of separation was just another step in their life together, whilst it was hard, so freaking hard they would get through it one way or the other. He refused to let Yesung think it was more than it was, for him to get stupid ideas and do dumb things. It was a little harsh but it was needed.

"You're a fool Kyuhyun. You should have run away....avoid all of this as best as you could...........I am happy you didn't though. Does that make me selfish?" Yesung asked offhandedly, speaking in a drawl, practically speaking to himself.

The thoughts in their mind filtering through, the stress of their predicament making it hard for them to have the strength to hide their thought and fears, wanting to relief the internal strain, and maybe just explain the heartache that they both seemed to have, Yesung twisting onto his side as he waited for the younger to answer, the phone cradled against his ear and the mattress, feeling heavy with anticipation and guilt in his heart.

He supposed he should just admit it freely. He was selfish indeed.

If he had just told Kyuhyun no on that day and let the younger man go, they would not feel so lost now. He was selfish then and even more hateful, he was selfish now as well. He would always be grateful that Kyuhyun was foolish enough to love him and too stubborn to know when to quit. Even if he knew that the outcome would just be he just continued along the path, selfishly wanting to hold on to Kyuhyun.

 If they never bothered to try, Kyuhyun would have forgotten about him completely, probably already found a happy relationship and be happy now, not forced into a stressful period of separation, hidden away and living in the darkness. He was a bad person for wanting Kyuhyun to love him, but no matter what he did he couldn't squelch that selfish desire to be next to the younger man. He tried his hardest but it never worked. He wondered though, if Kyuhyun thought he was selfish too.

"It does, but I am glad you are selfish when it comes to me" Kyuhyun finally responded, after what felt like a lifetime to Yesung.

Kyuhyun spoke with no hesitancy and not a lot of shyness either, his response making the butterflies in Yesung's stomach flutter around happily, feeling shy himself, his face blushing a bit, not sure what to say just enjoying the admission in his heart, Kyuhyun leaning back against his chair, eyes closed, no red cheeks or thumping hearts, just a willingness to speak the truth.

He knew Yesung thought it was selfish to accept his love against his better judgement, and it was something that worried him as well.

He was however thrilled when he realized that Yesung was willing to forgo his mind and his convictions to accept him and to love him. He had never been so grateful that someone decided to be selfish in his entire life. He would be thankful forever and he wanted Yesung to know that. Even if he was selfish, it was the thing that made Kyuhyun happy, that he made Kyuhyun happy, even when he was unhappy.

"I lied before. I miss you alot. I miss everything about you. I even miss you being a brat and annoying me" Yesung spoke after a few seconds of sorting through his thoughts, finally feeling that weight lift from his chest, the sadness there of course, but now he felt energized by Kyuhyun's words.

The child was still a fool, and he was still selfish, but then he could appreciate the love that Kyuhyun had for him and the sentiment it evoked. Even if now they were faced with some sadness, they had also been blessed with endless happiness, so massive and overarching that it shadowed all their current sadness, smiling truly for the first time, not caring about his pride as he made the confession, wanting to just get lost in Kyuhyun's voice.

" Of course you did. Was there any chance you wouldn't have?" Kyuhyun teased, feeling smug, but really just happy that Yesung was allowing them to leave that darker conversation alone, aware that it was just the tip of the iceberg and he couldn't realistically have it on the other side of the world, positive that Yesung was hiding something from him and he would need to have a serious conversation with him sometimes soon to sort it out.

He figured that will the enlistment days away, they would need to speak to each other anyway, but now he had something specific he had to address. He still have a few more days in South America and probably wouldn't return to Korea until May, which gave him and them a short window of time, but he would ensure that he spent whatever time he could thereafter with Yesung in his arms and lips on smooth skin. At that time he would remind him that he missed him and have Yesung splutter and complain about him and make another memory for them.

There were so many things that he needed to do then, but right now he needed the strength to continue, to be able to close his eyes and not long for the older man, he just needed a shot of happiness to give him the strength to endure, and teasing Yesung always gave him that feeling, smiling when the older man scoffed.

"And you say I ruin our moments" Yesung chuckled good naturedly, mildly chastising but infinitely glad that Kyuhyun was leading them away from the darkness for the time being, not really wanting to stay there.

When he had that conversation he wanted to be a man about it and face Kyuhyun properly. He owed the younger man at least that. He wanted to hold Kyuhyun in his arms and kiss him until he had it burned in his memory, the smell the sweetness of apples against his skin and memorize the texture of his hair. He had to do all of those things before they talked, and truly, an expensive phone call from half away around the world was no way do it.

 In that way he was grateful that Kyuhyun tried for a lighter line of conversation, and was more than happy to play along, aware that if Kyuhyun was there he would have had him wrapped around his body and have a hand buried in his hair. Right now all he had was the memory of the younger man and his voice floating through the phone. It was alot less than what he wanted but he was happy for that small mercy, wanting to just listen to him, Kyuhyun chuckling in the background, a beautiful sound.

"Can't let you be the only romantically incompetent one" Kyuhyun teased once more, feeling better now that they were falling in line as they tend to, his heart easing some more each time the older man laughed, aware that their issues were still there but at least they could give each other some strength to endure the days of separation until they could be near each other once more and speak and kiss and everything else.

"Like you are one to talk. You forgot our day" Yesung pointed out smugly, not really taking offence but happy to banter with Kyuhyun. He supposed he missed that more than he missed anything else.

He missed everything about Kyuhyun of course, but he suspected it was the bantering that he missed most, more than the kisses and the hugs and the warmth and everything else, though he missed those as well mind you, but there was always a certain happiness to just speak to Kyuhyun like that, to listen to his laugh and hear his scoff, to see a smirk take shape.

Now he didn't have the luxury of seeing him, though he supposed he could just video call Kyuhyun and fix that but that may actually be harder. If he could see him he would want to touch him and he couldn't right now, so it was better not to make the temptation too strong.

"You forgot our anniversary and tried to decapitate me...need I say more?" Kyuhyun rejoined rather convincingly, laughing into the phone, not seeing their romantic failings as anything especially negative, despite how difficult that night was for him, having come to the opinion that everything happens for a reason and he reaped the reward from that night, the changes in them sparking a better understanding and increased intimacy. The point in the matter at hand however was the fact that Yesung was definitely a romantic fail. Not that he was much better of course, but he was better than Yesung at least.

"You do realize that this call is costing you a fortune right? Yet you waste time talking about trivial things like that?" Yesung tried to deflect, feeling his face heat up in embarrassment, glad instantly that Kyuhyun wasn't there to see him feel stupid.

That couple of days was hard for him and that night would be ingrained in his memory until his death. It was a source of embarrassment but he was glad that it happened, still uncertain at times but at least aided enough since then to learn to trust Kyuhyun and his love for him, even if he couldn't trust himself. He appreciated that fact, but didn't want to admit that based on that evidence provided that he was really the romantic fail, instead choosing to deflect, hoping that Kyuhyun would value his back account more than the teasing.

"Arrrgg.. That's right. Why did you let me waste time?" Kyuhyun grumbled, now aware that the roaming rates were scarily large and he didn't think to just message Yesung or use skype, just calling him to hear his voice after what felt like too long. He didn't mind the money really, but at the same time he really didn't need to waste it just to talk about their romantic fails.

 Yesung, that idiot! He was going to blame him entirely for his distraction.

"I didn't tell you to be a brat" Yesung commented, laughing when Kyuhyun groaned, the younger man not especially miserly like Eunhyuk, but at the same time his natural good sense and sharp mind made him very conscientious with his income, his rather large income, Yesung refusing to acknowledge that little bit of envy he had at that fact, and as such he didn't like to waste it if he could avoid it.

Yesung thought it was a good way to live, though that was something that he and Kyuhyun didn't really discuss very much either. It was one part of their lives that they kept to themselves, not necessarily out of design, just never really having the need to. It was not something that bothered him, just random thought that flashed across his mind, continuing the laugh as the younger man grumbled.

They continued in that light for as long as they could, Yesung teasing and being teased, Kyuhyun telling him about everyone that annoyed him, especially Siwon apparently and Eunhyuk and Ryeowook and just everyone that spoke to him really, cute grumbles and endless 'Hyung, don't you know?", Yesung silently listening to the younger man sometimes rant but mainly his grumbling, chuckling at the cuteness of the younger man, positive he would have just squished him if he was there was him. He thought he would feel sad when Kyuhyun described the concerts and their fans from his perspective, but he didn't. He felt disappointed of course, but Kyuhyun's excitement felt like his own and in a second it felt as if he was living through Kyuhyun, prompting him to remind the younger man that he would strangle him if he messed up his lines, Kyuhyun scoffing, insisting that he should be grateful that he took over his lines and didn't leave it to someone else, or rather someone other than him and Ryeowook.

When Yesung mentioned that he was proud of Ryeowook, Kyuhyun only responded childishly, making it clear that he was the one that he should be proud of, basically the lead vocalist in his absence and an overwhelming presence overall. Yesung laughed quite hard then, his mother sticking her head into the room to see why he was laughing that loudly so early in the morning, Kyuhyun chastising him for laughing at him on the other end, but laughing too, finding it hard to not be drawn by Yesung's amusement.

In some way, the entire thing helping Yesung to settle his heart and push the painful thoughts further away. He was grateful that Kyuhyun was alright and still seemed to have a good time, truly wanting the younger man to be happy, no ego involved. He was sad when they had to part though, Kyuhyun's flight boarding soon.

"Take care of yourself and don't feel lonely alright Hyung? I will call you or message you whenever I can" Kyuhyun promised quickly, not being a hard task since that was what he was doing previously, messaging the older man whenever he thought of him and it was feasible to do so, hoping to keep his loneliness at bay, wanting Yesung to know that he was missed and loved.

"Don't worry about me. Focus on the concert and have a good time. Take care of yourself" Yesung instructed the younger man, not wanting him to waste time calling him when he could be resting or sightseeing.

He was selfish for sure but he always only wanted the best for Kyuhyun and being forced to contact him all the time would be burdensome for the younger man. He wanted him to have fun with the others and enjoy the trip, even if he was not there with him.

"I will Hyung. Try not to miss me too much" Kyuhyun teased in his last breath, the manager calling him over to board the plane, the service personnel motioning for him to disconnect, but he supposed it was some airport policy and he didn't care to argue, just wanting a second to say goodbye.

"I will" Yesung promised with a chuckle, not even bother to complain or argue with the younger man, just amused at his endless cheekiness and he supposed the sentiment could be treated as wish, since it was clear that he would miss  the younger man.

In that way the request was necessary, hoping that he was able to bear with the younger's absence better than he had been previously. He was hopeful, especially since it heartfelt significantly better after just listening to Kyuhyun's words and grumbles, feeling the emotion from the younger, still certain in his decision and regretful on that point, but at least he could be satisfied with the knowledge that he was once loved and missed and he supposed that would be enough for him.

"See you--Ah right...I'll talk too you soon and I love you" Kyuhyun said his final goodbyes, just then realizing that he had not said the words earlier, not necessary of course but at this point he didn't mind the cheesiness that saying it brought.

 He was sure he would kill in the month ahead to be able to call Yesung and just say he loved him. Even if it was awkward, at that point in their relationship and that scary month ahead, it was something that he wanted to say and needed to hear, Yesung sighing into the phone but with the manager pulling a face he was pushing his luck, the other members already lining up at the entrance desk, the manager sympathising to his situation but not in position to give him more time, the flight to Chile not really in his control.

 Everyone knew he was speaking to Yesung, though they made no comment about it when he left their company to find a chair further away so that he could speak to Yesung comfortable, not having to watch what he said. The members knew of course and two of their managers but the support staff didn't and Kyuhyun really didn't want to have to be whispering like a criminal to the person that he loved, but still wanted a fairly private conversation.

The others giving him some privacy, only having to shake his head once when Donghae looked as if he wanted to come over and take the phone, the older man pouting at him but Kyuhyun ignored him, wanting to be the one that Yesung spoke to then, the others just shaking their heads and calling Donghae back over, listening as he insisted that he would call Yesung later and not let Kyuhyun talk to him. Kyuhyun not even bothering to acknowledge him then, now just rushing over to the line, just as Yesung gave his last greeting.

"Stay safe and take care" Yesung breathed one last time, Kyuhyun humming a response as the manager instructed him to disconnect, hanging up then, Yesung sighing once more, smiling despite himself, falling back against his mattress, eyes shut.

Was he going to do the right thing? Could he live without him? Did he want to?  He didn’t. Of course he didn't but sometimes a man had to make tough decisions. He couldn't let Kyuhyun suffer.

For now he simply closed his eyes and let Kyuhyun's last words play in his mind, the one thing that could push all other thoughts away.

A/N: This is also from 2013, during the SS5 South American tour. I think this is the fic that was written immediately before The Promise to Endure. Its been so long I can barely remember. Thought I would post it now since its Yesung's birthday 😊😊   

Also, his tweet today about his hands reminded me so much of Kyuhyun teasing him about his small hands. So cute!

Happy Birthday Yesung!! 😘💖💖💝