Don't Fly Too Far

“Oh my god I am so sorry!” I exclaimed as I ran into a girl on the street. I was making my way to a late night rap battle and I ran into a girl, making both of us fall. Once I got a good look at her face I thought I was going to heaven. “I’m Namjoon…” I quickly introduced myself to the angel standing before me. Her long brown locks went over her shoulders and perfectly framed her face. She had dark skin and seemed like a foreigner. God her dark brown eyes sparkled like 10million stars. I could watch myself grow old just staring into them. “I’m Andrea. Nice to meet you and it’s okay. I’m okay.” She said smiling. Her smiled made butterflies flutter in my stomach. “How…How can I make it up to you.. knocking you down and all…” I said slowly. “How about coffee tomorrow morning?” She said with a smirk. I helped her up from the cement sidewalk and she brushed off. “How does 10 at the cafe on the corner sound?” I asked. She smiled again and nodded.

That was 2 years ago. After our first date at that little cafe we were inseparable for a year and a half. That’s when I found out about her job and the secrets she hid from me.

“You’re leaving to America?! Why didn’t you tell me!!” I yelled angrily as I found a letter for her in the mail. She had to leave Korea back to America for work and she wasn’t coming back. “I’m sorry Namjoon. I’m so sorry I couldn’t. I knew you’d get mad-“ “IM NOT MAD IM FURIOUS! You hid this from me!” I threw the letter down on the kitchen counter. “Please I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. You can always move with me.” “I can’t. You know I have my auditions soon with companies.” I said.

**While we dated**

I rapped in my room. I thought I was alone and I was working on a song to help me at the next underground rap battle I usually go to. I tried rapping a few lyrics but I just didn’t like them. Once I got the right combo I wrote them down on my paper. “Namjoonie?” I heard her faint voice at the doorway of the room we shared. I jumped in surprise and turned towards her. “Hey jagi…” I said awkwardly while trying to hide my paper. “You’re an amazing rapper. You should audition!” She smiled. “Y-You heard that?!” She nodded and smiled bigger. “I mean it Namjoon, you’re an amazing rapper. One of the best I’ve ever heard if not THE best.” She said. I blushed and thought about it. “Promise to come to my auditions?” I asked. “I promise.” She said walking over to me and kissing me on the lips. Her lovely soft lips. I could kiss them over and over and over again if I could.

“I leave in a week…” “I can’t believe you’d kept this from me. I thought you trusted me! What the hell Andrea!” I yelled. She flinched at my loud voice. We promised to never keep secrets from each other.

**While we dated**

“I didn’t know you had a brother!!” I yelled. I was mad at myself. I got mad at Andrea because I saw her with another man who turned out to be her younger brother Saul. “I kept it a secret I’m sorry!” She said. “It’s okay I’m not mad at you. Im mad at myself. I’m sorry I yelled at you. Let’s promise to not keep secrets because I can’t yell at you again.” I said. “I promise.” She said hugging me.

“You broke your promise. I can’t believe you.” I said sadly. “I’m sorry Namjoon.” She was crying now. “Sorry won’t cut it this time.” I said. She nodded and left to our room. She packed her things and came to the living room. “I’m going to be at Montana’s and Kassy’s if you need me. Goodbye Namjoon. I’m sorry I lied and hid this from you. I thought it was for the best but I lost you. I love you.” “I bet that was a lie too…” I mumbled under my breath. She must’ve heard me because she cried harder and ran out the door with her things. She took my heart with her.

**While we dated**

“I love you.” She said confidently. It was the first time she’s ever said the “L” word and I wanted to hear it over and over again. “I love you too.” I responded smiling. “Good because I’m hungry and you’re cooking.” She said laughing. I rolled my eyes playfully and walked to the kitchen. My heart beat raced and my face became hot as I thought of those 3 special words. I was in love with her and I wasn’t letting her go any time soon.

“What do you mean? She can’t be…gone…” I said in disbelief as Montana and Kassy came to my apartment I used to share with Andrea. It’s been about half a year since I last saw Andrea. Since I saw her leave. I missed her so much. I haven’t been in a relationship with anyone because I missed her like hell. Why didn’t I leave with her? God I’m such an idiot! “She sent us a text saying she loved us and she also wanted you to have these.” Kassy gave me a box of things. A few letters with my name on them and an old radio we used to listen to. “I’m sorry Namjoon. She said when she moved to America she went through depression from your guys’ breakup and once she found out….” “Found out what?” “Found out she had your baby she couldn't handle it. She thought you didn’t want to see her ever again. She went walking around the town she was in and a car didn’t stop. The light was red but it didn’t stop. She was taken to the hospital and thats where….it happened.” Montana said. She was with my child…. I began to cry in front of her two best friends. “Th-Thank you Montana and Kassy. I’ll make sure to keep in touch. I’m sorry for everything. I miss her so much.” I said sniffling. “Don’t be a stranger Namjoon.” Montana said smiling softly. I nodded and they left, closing the door behind them. I broke down and held the box close. I took one letter out and opened it carefully.

“Dear Namjoonie,

I love you. I’m sorry. I know it won’t make it better but it’s worth a shot right? Don’t be mad please. It’s been a week since I left and god am I sorry. I should’ve never taken the job. I should’ve never left you. I should’ve stayed with you. I’m so sorry please just please forgive me. I love you too much please just forgive me. If I never see you again please know I will always love you. I’ve been feeling really sick lately and I have no clue why. I haven’t had much luck making new friends here. God white people can be so racist and mean. I’m okay though. I just really miss you. I don’t know why I’m sick, I think I’m just not used to all of this. I miss you Namjoon, I wish you were here. Did I mention I love you? Cause it’s true. I love you and always will. I gotta go but I’ll write again. I love you. So much.

I’m sorry Namjoonie, Andrea<3”

I cried harder as I read it. I smelled the paper and it smelled like her perfume. The one that smelled like fresh strawberries. She loved strawberry scented stuff. I remember I accidentally broke a bottle of her perfume and it spilled all over me. I smelled like strawberries for like 2 weeks. She was mad but not for long since she said her favorite man smelled like her favorite thing. I admired her penmanship. Even her writing was perfect. I saw how she always wrote a heart next to her name. That was her signature thing. I put the letter away and opened the next one. A photo fell out and I looked at it. “Oh my god…..” It was an ultrasound. The earliest she could get one she got it. She wrote in the corner, “He’s yours.” A son… I had a son… My own son. I grabbed the letter from the envelope and began to read.

“Dear Namjoonie,

I now know why I was sick some time ago. I am currently with child. Your child. Your son. Remember before you got mad at me and we had that wild night? That’s when. I’m going to name him after you because you’re probably not going to come here. I’m really sorry. I never sent the past letter because I was scared. I was scared you’d burn it or tear it up. I’m scared Namjoon. I can’t be here alone with a baby. I miss you so much. I probably won’t send this letter either because I’m scared of what you’d say. I’m sorry for everything Namjoon. I love you so much. When I look into his eyes I will always think of you. He will be the most handsome mexican/korean baby ever! I’ll spoil him like how you spoiled me. I will give him unconditional love like you did with me. I promise to always play your songs and tell him, ‘This is your daddy.’ I will always tell him you love him even though you will probably never know him. I love you Namjoon. I love you so damn much it hurts.

I will love you forever, Andrea<3”

He’s gone…. My son and the woman I loved are gone. They’re gone and they’re not coming back. Guilt took over my whole body and I couldn’t even life my arms. I was so limp. I couldn’t think properly. “Andrea….” I whispered as tears fell down my cheeks. I don’t know what to feel anymore. I gathered up my remaining strength to get the radio and pressed play. There was static noise for a few seconds then everything went quiet. That’s when she spoke.

“Namjoonie-oppa!” I cried harder as I heard her voice. “ANDREA!!” I screamed out. I wish she was here next to me so damn badly. “Namjoonie I won’t be able to tell you this in person but I love you. I really do.” “I love you too baby.” I spoke to the radio. “Im sad you won’t be able to see your son either.” Her voice started cracking. She was crying. “Namjoon I love you I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you. I’m sorry it ended up like this. I miss you so much. I miss you and I love you my smart dorky man. Please stay smart and goofy and perfect. Never be afraid to rap in front of a crowd. Always smile and show off your dimple. God I love that dimple. I told Montana and Kassy to give you this as well as my two letters I never sent and other things.” I looked through the box and found her old promise ring. “The old promise ring you gave me on my birthday. I never took it off even after I left.” I put it down and grabbed a few pictures of me sleeping and some of us together. “I took the sleeping photos myself so when I was alone I looked at them. You’re so cute when you sleep! The other photos are my favorite ones of us. Like when we went to the Han River and when we went to Japan for a week and visited the cherry blossom street. I miss that Namjoon.” I set them aside and saw her bottle of perfume. “My favorite strawberry perfume so you remember what I smell like haha!” I miss her laugh. Why is she telling me this? She’s acting like… “Miss Hernandez surgery will begin soon.” I heard someone say in the background. “Namjoon… I’m not going to make it out of here. I am in the hospital. A car hit me and your son…he…he’s gone… I know I won’t make it out of that surgery. Before I leave I just want to tell you to move on. Go audition!! I will watch every concert from wherever I am. I will scream so loudly I might cause an earthquake. If the ground shakes don’t be afraid, it’s just me. But really please move on from me. It may be hard but I know you can do it. The next girl will be extremely lucky and you better treat her like a queen. When her brother comes to visit don’t get mad. Also when that job opportunity comes just encourage her. She will love you. Remember me. Remember our happy memories and none of the bad. Never live with regrets Namjoon. I love you so much. I gotta go. I love you.” The message ended. I was crying when I heard that last sentence. I got an idea for a song and began writing. I wrote my rap.

"The small pieces guttered down darkly
From my heart, a barren noise
I don’t know if this is reality or a dream
My Kafka on the seaside
Don’t go to those woods over there
My heart is still shattering on you
(I just wanted to vaporize like this)
My love that is forever
It’s all FREE for you baby”

I titled the song “Butterfly” because that’s what Andrea was. She was my butterfly. “Don’t fly too far.” I whispered to myself as I finished the song.

I kept that ultrasound photo with me at all times. The members didn’t question it. One day Jin came up to me and asked and I told him the whole story. We’ve never been better friends ever since. He knows our story. But what he didn’t know was that she was the first and last person I ever truly loved with 100% of me. The next girl that comes along won’t be her. But I will love her like it was. Andrea will always be my beautiful butterfly.

← Foreword

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