“youngjae.”

youngjae shifted a bit, hearing the familiar, quiet voice.

“youngjae-ah, wake up.” 

he grinned, eyes still shut as the hand ghosted along his cheek, and shook his head. 

“come on. get up, please?”

they whispered once more, and youngjae only curled up more, gripping onto the duvet tighter, grin growing wider.

“youngjae-”

then came the shrill sound of an alarm, and youngjae jolted, eyes shooting open. the sound continued as reality came to sink its claws back into him.

nobody was there, sharing the bed with him, softly telling him to get out of bed. nobody had brushed their fingers along his face, and as youngjae felt the sheets beside him, he found them to be cold and crisp. like normal. not one person was with him, and despite the sound still going, youngjae continued to lay there, holding onto the bottom sheet tightly, just like he had done once.

*

“you’re going home today.” the psychologist who youngjae was assigned to informed him as the boy shuffled into the office, his eyes going from the paper he was scribbling at to him. 

“wha-” oh. that was right. that’s what the alarm was set for. “sorry.”

the man smiled, sitting up straight. “it’s fine. it’s hard to break habits, isn’t it?” 

he was referring to the past year where youngjae had gotten into the routine of waking up, taking a few pills and doing his best to stomach food before coming into this office. also referencing the fact that it took youngjae months to stop insisting that jaebum was in fact, still alive. 

(which he actually was, youngjae just learned not to say it aloud anymore. nobody seemed to ever believe him though, despite having a box full of letters tucked under his bed from jaebum.)

“they are.” youngjae let himself force a small smile out. “thank you for everything, dr. kang. you helped me a lot.” 

the doctor nodded, youngjae bowing and made his leave to go pack up his few belongings.

at least he was finally getting out of this sterilized, monotone place.

-

if there was one thing that youngjae forgot over the course of a year and a couple of months, was that jackson wang had a terrible bone crushing hug. the boy had practically jumped youngjae the second he stepped foot into the reception area, small suitcase in tow, a backpack slung over his shoulder. but despite the lack of ability to breathe properly, maybe a cracked rib or two, youngjae smiled, gripping onto the back of jackson’s shirt and took in a deep breath.

now that was a comforting smell and feeling. 

“missedyousomuchdoyouknowhowweirditwaswithoutyou?” jackson spoke rapidly, and youngjae could barely make out the separate words.

“yeah, i bet it was.” he finally responded once jackson let him go, but not without a couple of rough claps to the back. ow. “but i’m here now.”

“you are, and you’re feeling a lot better, huh?”

youngjae stopped himself from wincing at those words, despite it hurting. they, his friends (family?) had assumed he was sick, so they stuck him in an institution. “yeah...” he breathed out, jackson taking the suitcase. “much better.” as far as they all knew, youngjae was back to being mostly sane now. no more ‘hearing voices’ or ‘seeing things’ or ‘making up absurd stories.’

it was all a bunch of crap. 

“you’re looking it too.” jackson commented, leading out youngjae out through the front doors for the first time in over a year. 

“thanks.” youngjae mumbled. if there was anything that was better, was that he was getting a bit more sleep so there weren’t any dark bags under his eyes. “where’s jinyoung hyung, by the way?” he was told that jackson and jinyoung were going to be the ones to pick him up, but so far, it was only the hong kong native. 

“he’s trying to get out of paying to park.” jackson responded, and youngjae snickered.

once a cheap , always a cheap . 

(sorry, frugal as jinyoung used to say.)

“hey, youngjae, sorry for not visiting you.” jackson apologized, the younger taking in a deep breath of fresh air. 

“it’s fine. they said it would be better if i didn’t interact with anyone.” he tried not to be bitter about it, the fact that his interaction with the outside world was cut down to the bare minimum. really, his only ventures outside were when the rest of the inmates, as he called them, were allowed out into the fenced basketball court. it was pretty awful, and youngjae remembers staring through the chain link, catching glimpses of jaebum across the parking lot. the first time that happened he had screamed, clutching onto the fence, fingers going white from holding it so tightly, eventually beginning to break down as he was dragged back inside.

“i still feel ba-”

“youngjae-ah!” 

youngjae’s head whipped to the right so fast he nearly gave himself whiplash, and he nearly fell over, park jinyoung running into him and holding him with a grip rivaling jackson’s. 

“we’ve missed you.” he whispered, and behind them, jackson rolled his eyes and went to go put youngjae’s suitcase in the car. 

the boy wanted to say the same thing, with jinyoung pressing his cheek against youngjae’s, but nothing came out. truthfully, youngjae was pretty annoyed with him, since he was the one originally to propose youngjae to get some help. he was the reason that youngjae was sent to live a temporary life of solitude. “missed you too.” youngjae managed to choke out,lying like he had perfected doing so, jinyoung releasing him and smiling. 

*

youngjae was told the other three weren’t home, they were out dealing with getting a shipment, so he didn’t have to worry about any bruising hugs when he stepped into their shared home. 

he nodded, jinyoung taking him through the living room and back to their room. his and jaebum’s. back to a place familiar, that held colour. no grey walls, a single bed, one pillow, a duvet. 

“let me know if you need anything, jackson’s going to go pick up dinner for us.” the older one said, youngjae nodding as he gently pushed the bedroom door open.

when he had left, it had been in shambles, the few pillows were scattered about, pillow cases half on. a shirt had been on the torn up bed, one that was definitely not his, but youngjae slept with it. sometimes in it. the curtains were closed, blocking out the light of day or the unnatural light of night.

now, it looked pristine. the bed, no longer a queen but a double, was neatly made, one fluffy pillow decorating its top. there wasn’t any clothes scattered about, the curtains were drawn and the window was cracked open, allowing fresh air to disguise to the stale smell that had once been. 

nothing was the same, and youngjae dropped his backpack, going to check the closet. 

surely this was merely a decor change. something new, brighter.

wrong.

no clothes - save for some of youngjae’s old, worn stuff, was hanging. none of the shoes that belonged to jaebum were at the bottom. 

no no no no no.

“jinyoung...!” he called, voice going higher an octave as he began to panic at the lack of clothes and shoes. not to mention, there wasn’t anything else that used to be jaebum’s in here. his little bookshelf that was crammed full of all sorts, his laptop and headphones. the space where jaebum used to sit on a beanbag, chew a pen between his lips while thinking of lyrics (he claimed it help him de-stress) was empty. “jinyoung!”

rapid footsteps, and youngjae turned to look where jinyoung was standing at the doorway as he clutched onto the closet door, growing paler as the seconds ticked by. “w-where’s jaebum’s stuff?” he struggled to ask, jinyoung’s eyes going from the closet to how utterly panic stricken youngjae was.

“youngjae-ah...” jinyoung began softly, taking a step forward. “we got rid of it.”

“w...why?” youngjae’s voice cracked as began to shake, holding on the door tighter the closer jinyoung gone. “he’s going to be back, you know-”

“no, youngjae, he’s not.”

there was that lump in his throat, making it hard to breath. to speak. “y-y-yes he is...he said so. he’s coming home soon. in a month. that’s what he wrote.” and jaebum wouldn’t lie. so maybe he didn’t tell jinyoung? maybe he was keeping it a secret from everybody but youngjae. youngjae must be the only one receiving his letters from abroad then. 

“’jae...” jinyoung’s voice was tender, his hands cupping youngjae’s face, thumb the few tears that had begun to leak. “you know he’s not. he never will be. jaebum’s-” he cut himself off, eyes dropping, and he took a few deep breaths as if calming himself. like he needed to, or else he would be end up like youngjae, trying not to choke and having tears drip.

“he promised...”

“he’s dead, youngjae. you know that.”

hearing that made youngjae flinch, his vision blurring and head shake. “no...” he’s not. i have proof. he can’t be dead. it’s impossible. 

“he is.”

body vibrating, he weakly clutched jinyoung’s wrists, prying hands off his face. “you’re lying.” he whispered, not wanting to believe it.

“did you lie to get out?” jinyoung was asking, voice still quiet. “jaebum has been dead for a while now. i know it’s hard, especially for you, but it’s true.”

“you’re a liar!” youngjae repeated, much louder this time, shoving jinyoung away from him and storming over to his backpack. “you’re a ing liar, jinyoung! he isn’t dead!” 

“youngjae!”

“jaebum can’t possibly be dead!” youngjae snapped, tearing open his luggage and snatching the small shoebox he had. “how,” flipping the lid open youngjae grabbed a handful of papers that had been delicately folded, three times each, “can he be dead when he’s sending me these!?” he felt a bit bad, since this was supposed to be something jaebum wanted to keep a secret, but jinyoung seemed like he wasn’t going to let up.

through hot, angry tears, youngjae saw jinyoung hesitate as he saw the letters being presented to him. see, is what youngjae was thinking, jinyoung approaching and tentatively taking one of them so he could read.

unfolding it, jinyoung took a deep breath, reading the messy writing, and his eyes kept going in between the paper and youngjae. youngjae who was whispering, “see? see...he’s not dead. he’s...he’s overseas. in hiding. he’ll be back, he said so...” as if it was his mantra. 

jinyoung’s face was void with emotion as he reached the bottom, and he blankly reached out for another one, carefully scanning it as he did the first one. this went on for a minute until jinyoung had run out of letters to read, and he handed them back to youngjae, who placed them back where they belonged and set it on the bed.

“do you get it now?” youngjae asked, wiping a few rebellious tears away. “jaebum’s going to return, but he can’t right now. he needs to lay low.”

a couple of slow blinks, followed by a deep breath. “that was your writing.”