I’m drunk with your scent, I’m going back again

I’m looking back at the scent of you

Maybe you’re there

Maybe you’ll come back

So I can lean on you and rest

Woohyun sits on the edge of his bed, his room was almost in a total darkness if it isn’t for the moon light shining through her windows. It was quiet, too quiet for Woohyun’s liking. There is only a faint sound coming from the radio he has hours ago, playing a sad song he can’t recognize. It feels suffocating, to be in that room—the room he used to share with someone else. But now there is only him there, all alone by himself, no one else besides him, no one else comforting him and easing away the sadness.

It’s summer, but he feels cold. He hugs himself, trying to ease the coldness that is taking over him. The emptiness of this room makes him feel hollow, suffocating him. No matter how many days he has stayed in the room, he still can’t get used to it. He still can remember how warm this room used to be, how much brighter this room is used to be. Funny, because he has been living here for years, but the room feels so different and yet he still knows that it’s still the same room because of the scents that are still lingering.

Everywhere he walks, everything about this room reminds him of him. His clothes are still here—every time Woohyun opens the wardrobe Woohyun can smell the scents of the perfume he used to use. There is a guitar standing in the corner of the room and it’s not Woohyun’s, never Woohyun’s. Every time he looks at it, he can remember the songs that are used to be played using that guitar. There are photos on the desk across him, some are the photographs of beautiful place they used to visit together, some are their photos—only them, smiling in front of the camera lens like the world is revolving around them. Woohyun thought that he should have trashed them, but he can’t.

Everything about this room reminds him of Myungsoo. Even the other side of the bed—the side where Myungsoo used to sleep. Maybe it’s just Woohyun’s wild imagination, but he can smell the scent of the soap Myungsoo used every time he has a shower before bed. It drives him crazy as everything brings back his memories. Everything about Myungsoo is here but not the person himself. Woohyun misses him, Woohyun misses him so much that everything reminds him of Myungsoo.

In the end, he can only cry because Myungsoo will never come here again.

They tell me to forget everything that has passed

But why do I have to forget everything now?

I don’t really have to be in pain

Even if I’m crying, don’t comfort me

Woohyun watches the water show in Banpo Bridge, staring at the water as they twirls around each other, illuminating the watchers. He can only remember that Myungsoo really likes this—he used to force him to come with him just to watch the show. No matter how much Myungsoo has seen it, he never gets bored of it. Myungsoo took a look of photos here, not only the water show but also the people around here. Couples, friends, families. Myungsoo has always said that there are always new things to photograph here.

That’s why Woohyun comes here—Myungsoo likes this place so much. Maybe he will show up here.

Woohyun’s phone rings and he mindlessly picks it up, placing it by his ear but not intending to hear anything the other party says.

“Where are you, Hyung?” He hears Sungjong’s voice asking, sounding angry. Woohyun doesn’t answer.

“Are you wandering again?” Sungjong asks, “I told you that you have to come to record.”

There are several seconds of silence, Sungjong waiting for an answer. But Woohyun still doesn’t answer. He doesn’t want to utter anything, not even a single world.

“Hyung? Are you searching for Myungsoo again?”

Woohyun doesn’t answer. He hears Sungjong sighing on the phone, probably feeling frustrated at Woohyun. It hasn’t been a long time for Woohyun, the pain is still fresh and he can still feel it. He feels it too clearly. And yet people are urging him to move on. But they don’t even know what Woohyun’s feeling.

“You will never find him, Hyung. You can’t search for someone who has already gone away.” Sungjong tells him, the cold harsh truth, “He is gone and he will never come back.”

No, Woohyun refuses to believe that. If he waits patiently, Myungsoo will come back. Myungsoo will definitely come back to him, come back to his arm and then eases away the pain he has been feeling ever since he’s gone.

It still feels like you’d come

Saying to me, “it’s me!”

Yes, love is a short present

Maybe I wasn’t caring enough, I didn’t protect you enough

Woohyun sighed, flexing his muscles, feeling tired from trying to write lyrics and practicing singing all day. There were some milestones to be met in producing his own album but so far it was hard when he didn’t have any inspirations or when he couldn’t get the feeling of some songs. He didn’t know why he just couldn’t do it. It was supposed to be easy, he could just sing. But still, he didn’t feel satisfied if he sang soullessly. How could he connect with the listeners if he didn’t feel anything?

He was startled when the door to the room he was using was suddenly opened harshly, a bright Myungsoo running into the room while yelling, “It’s me!”

Woohyun turned his back and looked at Myungsoo, confused at his sudden appearance. It was already late night, Myungsoo should be in their house, sleeping.

“What are you doing here?”

“Surprising you?” Myungsoo said, voice faltering. Maybe he expected Woohyun to look confused when he showed up, but honestly, Woohyun was too tired to process his surrounding clearly.

“Thank you?”

“Here, I bring foods,” Myungsoo said, smiling again as he put the foods he brought on the table. He gave Woohyun a quick peck and sat at the empty seat beside of him.

“Thank you,” Woohyun said, feeling truly grateful because he had been starving. He opened the package and delighted to see marinated chicken inside, “You came here just to bring food?”

“No, I just want to accompany you.” Myungsoo said, “You have been working hard lately. You look messy.”

Myungsoo took the package and helped him opening it, taking one chicken for himself even when he bought it for Woohyun. Woohyun smiled at him and then mess with Myungsoo’s hair because he stole his chicken.

“Yeah. Everything’s so tiring.”

“You should go home if you’re tired,” Myungsoo said, putting his head on Woohyun’s shoulder while eating chicken. Woohyun thought that he spent more time at work than at home lately, but he couldn’t help it when he had a lot of things to finish. Truthfully he had been missing spending time with Myungsoo, especially when they used to spend most of their time together.

“I know. I miss you.”

“Hmm, then can you go to the beach with me next week?” Myungsoo asked suddenly, throwing Woohyun off.

“I can’t.” Woohyun answered quickly, “I still have to prepare the album.”

Woohyun could tell that Myungsoo was disappointed at his answer, from the way he stopped eating his chicken and from the way his smile is faltering.

“Oh.” Myungsoo said, trying to not sound disappointed, “It’s okay then. The album is still not finished?”

“Nope. Far from it.” Woohyun said, with a sigh.

“Really? Why?”

“I need to write new lyrics for some of the songs, and I can’t get into the mood when singing some songs.”

“Hmm, should I help?” Myungsoo suggested, smiling brightly again at his own idea.

“How?”

“They’re love songs, right?” Myungsoo asked and Woohyun nodded as an answer, “Then, when you couldn’t sing a song, when you couldn’t compose a song, just remember me.”

“Why?”

“Isn’t it better to sing love songs when remembering a lover?”

Like greeting a guest

When you didn’t know they were coming

I faced our breakup frantically

Maybe that was for the better

“Let’s break up.”

“Why? Why are you suddenly asking to break up?”

“Let’s just break up.”

“We have been together for four years.”

“So, what?”

“What this is about? Did I do something wrong?”

“No, it’s not because of you.”

I hear your voice, it’s getting closer

I love you, I love you, we can’t be apart

I feel your breath, I hold you close and tears fall

You remain in my heart, I’ll protect you forever

Myungsoo is standing in the room, his eyes are empty. Myungsoo always has fascinating eyes—sometimes it’s as if he is staring into Woohyun’s soul, sometimes it’s so warm, Woohyun wants him to keep looking at him.

But now, the stare Woohyun has been given from him makes him feel colder. He is staring at Woohyun across the room, sitting on the floor and leaning against the wall. It’s a stare full of hate, full of coldness. It’s a stare he has been giving him for hours, not the loving stare he used to give him a long time ago. His silence is suffocating, Woohyun wants him to say something, to yell at him or to do anything.

“Can’t you just say something?” He asks, “Anything?”

Myungsoo doesn’t say anything, just keep watching him. Woohyun lies on the bed, trying not to stare back at him. He closes her eyes as tight as he could, but he can’t forget that he’s still in the room. Woohyun just wants Myungsoo to kill him already.

“I am sorry.” Woohyun says, his voice broken, “I am really sorry. Please forgive me.”

When he looks again, Myungsoo’s already gone.

I can’t forget your eyes that spoke to me

I regret my heart for giving up

“Hyung. Why are you suddenly being like this?” Myungsoo asked another question, his eyelids trembling, lips quivering, trying not to blink so the tear won’t fall. Woohyun hated it when Myungsoo cried, he hated it even more when he made Myungsoo cried.

“Can’t we just break up?” Woohyun says, unable to look at Myungsoo, guilt is eating him alive. He didn’t want to do this. But he had to do this.

“Is it because of your career?” Myungsoo asked, trying to find reasons on why they had to break up when everything was going well, “Is it because you’re afraid?”

“It’s just—some people have already known.” Woohyun explained, unable to form coherent sentences, feeling afraid and wondering if he is going to regret this, “And they—“

“Okay, fine,” Myungsoo said, cutting him off, a tear finally falling from his eye. Woohyun watched the tear falling to Myungsoo’s chin and then to his lap, “Let’s just break up. Let’s end this at this.”

Woohyun didn’t think that Myungsoo would agree so readily. He thought that Myungsoo would fight more, would give him more reasons to not break up with him.

“Myungsoo—“

“Now, I know, that you don’t love me enough to fight for me.” Myungsoo continued, not giving Woohyun a chance to speak more, “Let’s just break up.”

I cry because I can’t forget

I cry although I want to forget

In the end, it’s greed, it’s all my fault

There’s no place for me to hide in my heart

Then, when you couldn’t sing a song, when you couldn’t compose a song, just remember me.

Woohyun stared at the music sheet in front of him, feeling sick of having to sing when he didn’t feel like singing. The only thing he wanted to do was to lay down and mope. He didn’t even feel like walking, sleeping, or eating. He was so tired of being haunted by regrets, by Myungsoo. He doesn’t know how to sing when his feeling is such a mess. He misses Myungsoo. He misses him so much it driving him crazy.

His eyes are reading the lyrics and his mouth is moving to sing and the longer he sings, the image of Myungsoo became clearer on his mind. He is remembering the time when they broke up, remembering their happy memories, remembering Myungsoo’s face and all the declarations of love they exchanged only between the two of them. He remembered the regrets he felt after the day they broke up, the curses he threw at himself for giving up so easily. He remembers the greater regrets when a few days later, Sungjong came to him and said, “Myungsoo’s gone. He’s really gone away.”

And then he starts to cry. He starts to sob, unable to continue singing. The regrets are coming back in full force, the music stopped and the recording booth are filled with his cries—the cries that he has been holding back for a long time. He cries and cries, wishing the pain will dull away.

I knew that you wouldn’t come back

Because you forgot all about me

I can’t let you go without any tears

I can’t handle it by myself